The Pull

Last night I felt in every cell of my body the way I felt when I left for Michigan, when I left AA... that feeling of I have NO IDEA what is ahead of me and terrified doesn't begin to describe how I feel, but the pull is so strong to go there, I would collapse in exhaustion trying to fight it. That undeniable feeling that you ARE stepping into the unknown. Releasing the need to know, understand, predict, or control... I am left with a screaming child-like ego jumping up and down saying, "But this is not what I want!!! I want X, Y, Z and A, B, & C too!" When in truth it has no idea what it wants, but more is always acceptable. That statement makes me shake my head, but it is oh so true. The ego's wants are bottomless, nothing is ever enough. But now what? Want to stop wanting?!?! There's vicious cycle going nowhere. Trust the constant, the quiet, the slow.

Nothing That Turned Into Something

I can't sleep, for no other reason than I'm just not tired yet. Amos Lee's Violin just came on Pandora <3. Melt my heart why don't ya? I've had difficulty writing the last few days. There's a lot going on inside of me. Growth, healing, change. It's beautiful. But I find myself speechless about it, wanting to savor it. Less focused on me and my life. When the thought to write comes I'd like to make it more general and uplifting instead of this is what happened to me... and yada yada ya. Like instead of going into detail about the circumstances in my life which are bringing me to surrender, how these specific thoughts are coming and going, and how I'm dealing with them; I wanted to make it more general. Take "me" out of the equation a little more, but still provide the words of inspiration and guidance. Guess this is part of the shift, actually, I'm sure of it. I'm becoming acutely aware at the amount of change that has taken place within me and around me. It has stopped me in my tracks in sheer awe too many times to count the last couple weeks. Now that I'm here, I'm not sure what to say. Thinking if I just start, this just might be one of the longest blogs I've ever written, and have very little direction or a clear point, but it will be open, flowing & honest. It will be a peak into this heart of mine made possible by what can be a false sense of intimacy that is this blog. I sat in my kitchen today and thought, I'm much quieter than I've ever admitted too, or allowed myself to be. Stillness has become one of my favorite places to be, and so much of that which I experience during that stillness has become so sacred, I've lost the desire to share it in the usual fashion.


What do I want to see more of in the world? A question I've been asking myself everyday for the last several days. Whatever it is, BE THAT. We are vessels, bringing into the world whatever we choose. Whatever we feel, think, and create in that moment. Every time I choose forgiveness, peace, patience, etc... I'm bring that into the world through me. I think this is what Ghandi meant when he said "Be the change you wish to see in the world"  Want peace? Be peaceful. Want Love? Give love. So simple. What do you think the world needs more of? Justice? Understanding? Compassion... then BE that & GIVE that. I also think mother Theresa was right on Ghandi's heels with, "I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there." She's being the change. Attending an anti-war rally and getting angry and "fighting" war... is still fighting. Want peace? Be peace. Have a peace rally! What are you choosing to focus on RIGHT NOW? Another question, written on an index card next to my computer as a reminder that what I'm focusing on RIGHT NOW is being re-created. It's a chance for me to become aware, ask myself, is this something I want more of in my life? In the world? And if not... choose again. Choose to be the vessel I already am, and bring the change I wish to see into the world. Choice. So simple. It's impossible to think about two separate things at once, and it takes practice to hold that positive thought for more than a fleeting second, especially if you've spent your entire life bathing in worry & fear in your own mind, like I have.... but it's okay. You can start, RIGHT NOW. And practice. This practice will teach you far more than what you will have initially thought or sought after. You will learn things about yourself you never new existed, and may even meet yourself for the first time, ever. What am I focusing on right now? Joy. A deep cleansing breath.... and nothing. There will come a point when there is no thought, just a feeling. A vibration that seems to move through you. You can't necessarily name it, but it's good, and you know the world needs it... so you just let it be. There will come a time, when being ANYWHERE but right here, in this moment will be utterly exhausting and intolerable. A weird phrase I've been reciting as a reminder for myself is "Don't do, get moved through." Meaning... stop doing... let things move through you. And yes, sometimes when things are moving through you, you get carried along with and take action, guided action. The kind of action that is steady and a tad illusive, as if you're NOT entirely sure why you are doing what your doing, but you KNOW its okay.

Every thought is planting a seed, which will grow later. Every experience you create in your mind, will create in your life.  The "outside" is simply a reflection of what's "inside." What do you see? Use your life as a road map back in, to yourself. What are you creating? Because yes, you are creating... every single bit of it. Each moment will replicate itself. Watch, listen, & feel... create moments, you wish to be replicated. Everything I do to you or for you, I'm doing to and for myself and everyone else. Our belief we are separate from one another, is nothing but a big cosmic joke.. and the joke's on us.

Listen.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Stillness

Silence. It has been said that it is only in silence that truth is really heard. Maybe that's true. I'm beginning to believe it's true. It's become apparent that I'm at a place of stillness. Silence. Aloneness. A place where there is no such thing as seeking advice from outside sources. Where the voice of God interjects between the thought to speak and the actual words that come out of my mouth. I reminder of what I'm about to say, a double check... of ... do you really want to say this? Is this of Love? Is this creating that which you wish to see more of in the world? There comes a time when only stillness suffices for stillness, silence suffices for silence and your true self suffices for who you are, who you want to be, and who the world sees you as. And for some, it takes more courage to surrender than it does to fight. *I* am one of those people. To say I feel introverted would be an understatement. I crave stillness. A peace that surpasses understanding. Where my cushion is exactly where I want to be, totally and completely. When needs take precedence over wants and my desire to share all of this with anyone is not at all. It's a beautiful space, and not nearly as painful as I always thought it would be. "Enlightenment is coming, and it will wait however long it takes." Patience. Trust. Being here now. Things I never thought I'd learn.

With Grace & gratitude...

Practice

I swept the floor this morning. Mundane right? Not really. I decided to use sweeping the floor for a deeper purpose. To practice, to train my mind to focus on the moment, the details. To let go of all that that really didn't matter in that moment, to let go of everything else that didn't have to do with sweeping that floor. Ok, I was just sweeping the floor. Who cares if I was "there" or not? I do. I'm practicing living in the moment, letting go of thoughts. Because what about those times when we REALLY DO want to be there, in the moment, to enjoy it fully. When being there, really does matter but we can't do it... because we don't know how. We've not practiced it enough. It's like thinking about taking piano lessons for years, talking about it, reading about it, wishing for it but never touching the keys and expecting yourself to be ready to play on stage in front of an audience. That's just not how it works.

Today I practiced focus, letting go, and being in the moment by simply sweeping the floor. I practiced patience with myself and my thoughts as I waited for my body and mind to relax into meditation. Among other things, but today... that's what presented itself, and in accepting that, I practiced being okay with what is. 

What do you want more of in your life? What do you need more of in your life? I've come to believe that although we may not always know what we want, we know what we need. Whatever it is... practice it.  Practice it when it really doesn't matter, so when does... it's familiar, and there's always comfort in familiarity.

Love & Light,
Dottie

All Will Be Well

"All will be well, even after all the promises you've broken to yourself, all will be well, you can ask me how but only time will tell." - Gabe Dixon Band

I opened my eyes this morning, irritated. Thoughts I was tired of thinking entered before I full came out of my dream state, there was noise in the kitchen, and I had spent the last two days crying & purging of what? I"m not sure. There is an  index card on my computer desk with the words "What are you choosing to focus on RIGHT NOW?" That's an important question to ask yourself at any given moment, like checking in with your mind... bringing awareness back. We are SO often wrapped up in what's wrong we are inadvertently re-creating those same experiences  So when I ask myself that question and realize I'm focusing on pain, loss, anger, fear... I look to the left on another index card that says, "TRUST." I smile, I breathe, I reconnect to the Divine. It may seem tiny, but them more I do that, the more I create that. Eventually, it will all add up.

So I sat my irritated ass on my meditation cushion this morning, fidgety, seeing my mind as my enemy a question arose... "What are you choosing to practice right now? And you know what? That awareness was enough. Awareness is always enough. I was practicing willingness, acceptance, surrender, trust, letting go...being okay with what was, living in the moment. I was practicing trust in myself and trust in the Divine that there on that cushion this morning was exactly where I was suppose to be. I was surrendering  and accepting of where I was in that moment... frustrated and all. How beautiful & exciting. I asked myself what's the worst that could happen if I completely let go right now? For just a moment, so I did...briefly. I bet you think I'm gonna say everything stopped, and I felt peaceful and fell into a deep meditative state? NOPE, but I did smile and felt gratitude, then I gave myself permission to get off my cushion. :)

Because it is a practice and practice automatically implies patience. Practice implies multiple attempts and requires a little bit of grace. So be easy on yourself. Love ALL of you... that mind that seems to never stop, that mouth that seems to never shut up, those wounds you can't always hide. Love ALL your weakness and don't be afraid of your strengths.

"So become one with YOUR practice, your Eightfold path, embrace it as though it was the lover you had waited for your entire life. Ride with it, swim with it, sink with it, soar with it. Sail and sail hard. I'll go with you. Enlightenment is waiting on the other side of the ocean. And it will wait for however long it takes."  - Geri Larkin


Love & Light,
Dottie

A HA

There is a difference between embracing opportunities and watching things happen in your life, and going out and working tirelessly to bring about things you want in your life. There is a difference between your drive being from an I want state of mind & a deeper sense of purpose and pull. Push & pull. Maybe that's the difference. Pushing through something or allowing something to pull you through, food for thought. I asked for growth. Now I ask for peace, Love, & wholeness. This is what it feels like to be in align with God's will for me. Where what I want doesn't out weight what I know in my heart is best for me, for us.  Where I know this is not what I want, but I gracefully accept it knowing it serves a much greater purpose than what I can comprehend right now, and may never. And that I trust the universe is working with my highest good, deepest desires, and best intentions. "The answer will come during a holiday break" ... The repetitive thought: J & I are best as friends right now. The same thing I new in the beginning of October. I had decided to go on a 90 day relationships fast, and literally within the minute, J texted me "This feels like torture for me." People are mirrors. She's been telling me for MONTHS, she's not ready to be in a relationship. Guess what? Neither am I. I wanted to be ready. I wanted to be ready more than anything in the world, but I wasn't. And I'm not now.

How do I tell her? Trust myself. Trust God.

FACT

FACT: My last 4 blogs have been about trust, letting go of control, and my utter desperation to be able to do those things.

    I'm watching aspects of my personality surface in such a way I'm stunned when I notice them.... "Where the fuck did that just come from?" seems to be my usual & initial response. I'm quiet. Receptive. I spent two hours with my hypnotherapist today. I need some more self control, self-trust. To trust myself to do the right thing, to listen for and carry out guided action. To fully know in the deepest core of my being, that everything is working out just as it should... and taking responsibility for my life & take it as it comes.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Losing My Self In Relationships

        I have difficulty not loosing myself in a relationship and being consumed by it. Things done daily become expected, and I loose my gratitude for them. So when the AREN'T done I'm like wtf. I feel J feels pressured to do things she's found herself doing daily, like good morning text messages and good night phone calls. Pressured to tip toe around my sensitivity. I don't need someone to cater to me. I need someone to be understanding and loving, but not cater. Catering to my sensitivities & insecurities, is not going to be what helps me grow. I jut told her maybe we should use this trip as a break from each other, to not talk till after the weekend is over. Maybe on her way back to MI? I did questions myself, and ask if this was me implementing my control issues? Security.    I come to expect things from her that she does often. These daily things provide me a sense of security within the relationship, and when they don't happen I freak out. I get confused. Because what I expected to happen didn't. Fear of the unknown. My brain starts talking shit and I find myself in a tizzy. SO MUCH FEAR. I pulled some cards today... "New Love" - "Be open to changes in your current relationship. A rekindled passion or an ending making way for something better." (Not in those exact words) but my FIRST THOUGHT was... But I don't want a new relationship!!! I want this one! How do I know whether I want the next relationship or not? I have no idea! It could be the most amazing relationship of my life! lol  I was denying the gifts of the universe. "What are you not receiving?" A question I was asked about a week ago. I'm not receiving what the universe is bringing to me. I pick and choose based on my understanding, perceptions, and predictions. I'm asking for something, then saying no thanks without. I HAVE NO TRUST. I'm denying magic & miracles, unless it's something I want. My wants (my ego) are getting in my way. Imagine that.


So what now? I think I'm gonna pick back up with Pia Medly's Co-dependency book. Not talk to J for a few days, and TRUST.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Miracles

The universe never fails to impress me. "She never quells my insecurities." - A very clear, matter of fact thought as I walked to my car in the Kroger parking lot. A moment when many, many things over the last few days made perfect sense, and I was grateful.

        My insecurities have been brought to the surface by mine and her relationship. Perfectly so, she refuses to quell those insecurities. And what a gift. This hit me today in an instant, when many things came together in that moment. She texted to tell me goodnight, not the usual phone call. Is she gonna call too? Does she want to call? Why isn't she gonna call? - my initial thought. Then I breathed and reminded myself, I was not in control and that was okay. I was okay, really. TRUST. Let's try that for a change shall we? Then, I tossed back and forth whether or not to tell her I loved her.... I did want to, but didn't want to kind of thing. But why? "If my action comes from fear, don't act" - (An awareness that hit me a few days ago) So what to do? I breathed again, and asked myself where I was telling her I loved her from? Love or fear? So, I told her I loved her because that's what was in my heart, that's what I felt in that moment. I heart filled with love & joy, and I wanted to share that with her. Not because I wanted her to say it back to reassure me that she loved me. I told myself, she may not say it back, and you know what... that was okay too. Again, I am not in control, I can only act from my heart and trust everything is is working out just as it should... I still remained at peace, calm, & centered. Grateful. I had already realized what a beautiful awareness & lesson I was being taught at that exact moment. Then...  Ding ... "Love you to dot" - instant insecurity - why did she say it like that? In my mind, I heard her say it in her sarcastic voice... the voice that I perceive as having an undertone of I'm gonna tell you I love you back, because I know how fucking sensitive you are and I don't feel like arguing because I'm going to bed.  INSANE-NESS. lol It's so funny really. A third time, I breathed. I was upset because of my OWN THINKING. I was doing this to myself, I AM responsible for everything that happens in my life. I jumped back to living in the reality of my mind, which isn't reality at all... but so easily I mistake it to be. Within a minute or two, literally, I was calm and at peace. These are life's miracles... when we wake up to realize that we are creating our own suffering, we aren't in control, and everything REALLY IS, okay. 

        It is not up to her to quell my insecurities, to do whatever it is I "need" to not feel insecure... that would be fixing an inward problem with an outward solution. It is my job, to face these insecurities, and allow them to heal. I've seen it time and time again... the hello/goodbye kisses, the lack of title, the lack of security.... its all ambiguous. "It is what it is, let it be".... all of this plays on my insecurities. And let me tell you, It has brought up some serious emotional reactions, tears, and breaks.  My suffering is often provoked by my thinking. But it's all because that's what I need. If I didn't need something in my life, it wouldn't be here!!! We ALWAYS have everything we need, it may not be what we want, but it's what we need. When we STOP NEEDING IT, it will go away. The question becomes, why do I need this? Well, I NEED this shit, these insecurities, to be brought to the surface, into the light, and healed. (And who knows what else I need!) What I DON"T need is someone quelling those insecurities for me, because that does not help me grow! Not only that, but it sets me up to expect the next person to do that for me as well. It's SO much like giving the man a fish, or teaching him to fish. If she were to just do what I asked because I "need" her too, she's only handicapping me.... and you know what's even more beautiful? She probably has NO IDEA what good she's really doing, and you know what that tells me? The universe REALLY does, know what It's doing. I firmly believe this is one of many answers to a desperate plea earlier in the day, "God, please show me how to trust, I really want to trust you."

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Love & Light
Dottie

PS - Funny thing is, I didn't even know what exactly "quell" meant... I had to dictionary it before I put it in my blog. You know what that tells me? That sentence didn't come from me....

quell

   [kwel]  Show IPA

verb (used with object)

1.

to suppress; put an end to; extinguish: The troops quelled therebellion quickly.

2.

to vanquish; subdue.

3.

to quiet or allay (emotions, anxieties, etc.): The child'smother quelled his fears of the thunder.

Desperation

"I no longer need to control or predict the outcome of this situation. I am free."

The affirmation I've been reciting for WEEKS, maybe months at this point. I'm frustrated. Crying. Grasping at various reasons... when I found myself reaching outward, I knew I was getting further and further away from the truth. A desperate plea to God, I don't want to be in control anymore, please show me how to let go. To stop fighting life, stop trying to control it. I've felt it, for breif moments... but how to get back there? How to learn everything I need to learn so it is no longer an issue. How to transcend this aspect of who I am? Love it. Love it entirely? Stop fighting it. Stop getting angry that it's here again, approach with curiosity and compassion. Advice I've given a hundred times. I'm so tired. So tired of repeating this cycle. But apparently, not tired enough.

Living In The Moment

       Living in the moment is scary because it cannot be controlled. There is no time for thought, no room to think through your actions. "Think before you speak" Should we? I mean really? What would happen if we were to totally let everything go in the moment? Maybe divine love would flow through. Maybe we would connect ona level we didn't know existed. Living in the moment means you didn't think of a hundred different ways something MIGHT or COULD happen, and a hundred and one ways to react to each. There was no "preparation" and that scares people. It just happens, unravels, right before your eyes. Usually in a breathtaking manner. Being in the moment, is intense. Especially when shared with another human being.

Love & Light
Dottie



 

I Couldn't Say It...

I yearn to right, but feel as if I've lost my muse. Where to start? What to say? I've yoga'd this morning. I'm officially a third of the person I used to be. I'm in love with my soul mate, and she came as a woman. Never in my life have I experienced a relationship like this, on so many different levels. I've never been able to voice my anger, terrified a fight would be the end all be all. Not wanting someone to know what they did upset me, because I'm stronger than that, they insinuates they have some control over me and my emotions, because it's probably just irrational and all my own bullshit. Who am I to throw that onto someone else? Being honest with yourself, in THAT moment. I kept identifying with thought. That calm, solid voice somehow welled up inside of me and I was guided to if I was going to identify with ANYTHING in that moment, identify with feeling, with body sensations. Where was it, and what did it feel like? I did just that. Looking into her eyes somehow has the ability to open my heart chakra like a flower. I can feel it. I smile, almost instantly, and she laughs because I "love looking at her" & she thinks I'm "wierd" :) lol. The spending so much time together is new to me. I find I sometimes begin to feel overwhelmed, like I need room to breathe, exacerbated by fears of her thinking things which just aren't true regarding why I feel I need "space" . I'm just not used to it. I fear getting bored, or co-dependent. I fear us getting tired of each other. It's time to figure out where I'm at in regards to relationships. To firmly know who I am. But can we? I believe we are constantly changing, growing, evolving. The moment I think I KNOW who I am, I will no longer be that person, I will have changed. Maybe it's more about being comfortable in who I am in THAT moment. I'm sensitive. I'm learning that. Super sensitive. I get my feelings hurt easily and like affection and I love you reminders :-/. I hate even typing that out. I get in my own head and create mountains out of mole hills and need someone I can freely share that information with so I don't do that. She gives me that. I'm utterly amazed sometimes at how we interact and react to each other. I notice how I've become conscious of the use of we, us, our. I usually use me and you, my and yours etc. I dunno, it's hard to put into words really. I'm grateful for it, and I'm often surprised at how much love I feel in my heart for her.

Where Did It All Go?

I feel contemplative. Tea in hand, ice on my back, pandora rolling. I've been "cleaning house" physically & energetically. I broke 240 yesterday.... 239.8 I think? lol or .4? Regardless... I did it. Thoughts are rolling around about random things, working full time at Alexander? To get my money together quicker so I can regain my independence. I've been convinced for 6 years I can't do it on my own. He's been telling me for years I can't do it. Well, I'm just gonna have to. Seems we have a co-dependent type relationship. I've been ready to be out on my own for some time now. Planning my break. :) . Once the decision is made, doors start busting open left and right. Make the decision. I stood in the gym today in tears, because I let fear stop me from picking up that bar. Burkey and I talked about using ego as means to and end today. Letting go and burning of my ego has left me with less of a drive to push, lower standards, and less intensity. I quit sooner, I accept failure before I have too. The past month I've watched my thoughts and feelings about weight lifting change. I stood in the gym today in tears because I could not talk myself into lifting that bar. Fear. And when I would start to get it off the ground, I'd drop it. It took all I had to not let the tears fall. I was frustrated. Where had my standards gone? Where was my drive?! Where was my anger? my fight? :( ....

.... (several hours later, I'm back) This is the second night in a row I've thought to text Scott. Playing with fire is all I got to say. I just called Johnna. I had no idea I could love someone this much.

Giving In or Giving All

"to know when to bend and when to leap - when to bow out and when to hurl our passion like buckets of paint across a stage. to give every last drop of our selves" - b

       So which is it? How do you know when to "bow out" or to "give every last drop of our selves?" Maybe both get you to the same place. Not sure. I do know for the last two weeks, I've not wanted to train with Burkey. I didn't "feel like it". Various reasons, or excuses.... I mean there is a very fine line between the two, and often I'm not sure if there is a line at all. I've been trying the "pushing through it" thing for two weeks. Where I show up, and do the work. First week, good. Last week, I quit half way through. This week, I woke up at 4am and couldn't stop arguing with myself about why I should keep my appointment today. I finally texted him at 6:27am and said "I can't sleep bc I'm arguing with myself about how I need to work out today. I cannot maintain any sort of desire to do so, so I'm canceling. I don't want to work that hard today." The quote above reverberated through my mind. I'm not good at resting, at taking time out to recover. I take small spurts and tell myself that was plenty. The thought of NOT working out at all for more than a day sends me almost into a panic. I'm so used to walking around with a constant low level of soreness, somewhere in my body.

   What do I feel? Shame. Anger. Impatience. I didn't want to NOT go today! What's this a lesson in? Being true to myself? Humility (burning up of that ego)? Goal setting and decision making? Distinguishing between wants and needs? Being okay with not getting what I want? Letting go of congrol? I mean, I LITERALLY just made a training schedule for the tough mudder, posted a whole blog about it and everything! THEN skipped both yin AND weight training? Wow. A lesson in not caring what other's may think maybe? OR  could  this is be about acceptance. Being with things as they are. I could run myself crazy in circles asking and attempting to answer all of these questions. I wonder if maybe I create anger inside me, so I can push myself to my limits. Or if this is how my mind creates chaos in my life. As if I'm aware enough for it to not totally run my life or drag others into the drama, but still there enough to reek havoc on me. Right now I'm angry at myself. But that isn't productive (or is it?)  and the best thing I can do is allow it to be there. Be angry at myself. If I'm okay with being angry with nyself, then a sense of happiness begins to rise to the surface because I'm technically getting what I want. I know, it's really strange how that happens isn't it?

   Under all of this. There is a quiet spaciousness that is just there. Observing all of this. A knowing that figuring it out isn't what this is about right now. Just allowing it to be there, and be gone when it's over. Feels like today is a good day to slow down, breath a little deeper, sit a little longer in meditation, and take the day in chunks. What is it I feel I need to do right now? Do that, then ask again. Those thoughts bring me peace.... and sure don't run me in crazy circles.

Love & Light,
Dottie

 

Endurance Day #1: What Did I learn?

3.1 miles in 38m41s

      That was my run time yesterday. Good, bad, or indifferent... THAT'S where I'm at right now. A little faster than the first time, a little slower than the last time. The voice in my head always seems to be the loudest when my body is struggling to catch it's next breath, basic survival instincts. NOTHING else matters to that voice but stopping to breathe, I have to make it matter.

      I set multiple goals as I run, for various reasons. A practice in strengthening what I see as the weakest aspects of my personality.  Indecision nearly paralyzes me, I think that's true for many of us. I'm forced to make a decision. Running without a goal is just making more work for myself, every second and distance ran without a goal in mind is wasted energy. What's it going towards? Indecision? Procrastination? That's what I'm running towards in that moment, unless I have a goal. A goal also helps me combat that voice inside my head that swears I will die right there on the treadmill if I don't stop this very moment... I've yet to die on a treadmill. And really, I can't think of a single story right now of anyone that has, because the mind quits WAAAAAY before the body does. Its' a fact. I failed to meet my second goal I set for myself yesterday. I quit before I hit the mark I had set. I quit last Thursday with Burkey.... yet both times, I set another goal, almost as punishment, but more so a consequence. A consequence that would make me better next time, not stir up feelings of self-loathing. Both times. Holding myself accountable. I've heard people often say, especially in 12 step recovery groups we should hold each other accountable. HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. I had that thought as I was running my third goal, and made it. Sprung from a want to text my trainer to tell him I was doing my "endurance day." What the fuck for? After all, this was my training. He wouldn't be standing beside me on the course. And again, what does that action support? What does that energy create more of? Dependence? Looking for outward approval/accountability. I chose to feed integrity.

       Going back to my goal setting as consequences. My first goal was a solid mile without stopping at 6.0. Done. Second goal 0.5mile at 5.5 (I was goal setting AS I was running, that was as far as I had planned lol)....  but I stopped running before I hit my second goal, okay fine. Tired? Couldn't breathe? Wanted to give my heart rate a break? (Please note the sarcasm) Well that's fine, if I'm gonna take a break, it's going to serve a purpose. I couldn't run again until my heart rate was down to 135.  TORTURE. Because that would effect my run time, but force my body & mind to utilize every moment of slowing down. Compromised rest. I couldn't be angry, that would up my heart rate, I had to be patient, because how much control do you REALLY have over lowering your heart rate? Doing this forced me to not focus on the problem but to just breathe, and know the "problem" would resolve itself when I let go. When I reached inward, and found that still and quiet pace... everything else took care of itself. As far as the Oxygen depletion exercise (the workout with Burkey), I will repeat it until I complete it. Someways our bodies need the training more, other days it's our minds. How many sessions do I really want to waste doing the same thing over & over? Owning your emotions. Allowing them to work for you. I have control issues, I'm beginning to think the only reason they are issues is because I allowed the things I COULD control to control me, such as emotions, reactions, thoughts.... those things are within my realm of control. So, because I felt I couldn't control those things I attempted to control other people, situations, etc... things I could not. Thus the irony of the situation; a quagmire of the human condition.

     I've never found anything as fascinating as life itself and the relationship with ourselves. It's like an never ending hole, maybe that's why so many are afraid to jump in. Be honest with yourself, honesty is humbling. I found humility in the question I asked myself last week, "Why do I have no desire to workout in a large group?" The answer I heard first and the loudest was "Because I might find out I'm not as bad ass as I think I am." - WHAT A CAN OF WORMS that answer opened... a blog unto itself. Exploration. Did I really believe that? What was the quieter answer that lay a little deeper? How deep do I want to go? As of that day, that was deep enough for me. As of today, the desire to push myself "THAT" hard is less than it has been..... A moment of clarity: In Yoga they say every pose is brand new. EVERY DAY, EVERY MOMENT is different, because we change moment to moment... nothing is the same, ever. Down to the very cells in our bodies. I create my own suffering through my expectations, comparisons, judgements, expierences, etc.... how about this? How about I just fucking show up and do the work. Back to the basics. That's where you go when who you were is stripped away and it's time to re-build.

Love & Light
Dottie

Tough Mudder & Burning Up My Ego

#7 on the top 10 ways to train for the tough mudder: "Eating glass while wrestling giraffes to the ground..."

       A month ago I decided I was going to tackle this 10-12 miles of 27 obstacles next fall, approximately a year from now. It's goal, "to test all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie." My goal, to give myself a focal point, a reason to keep digging, an outline, a tool to know myself better.

      Last week I put a training schedule together for the next couple months, with periodic re-evaluations and amping up inevitably. But right now here's where I'm at:

- 1 endurance day a week at a minimum of 3.1 miles. (Preferably running, but if I can't talk myself into it that's fine I can precor or elliptical, but at a minimum of 5 miles because I'm fairly certain there are no precors or ellipticals on the course)
- 2 flexibility days. (One regular stretching yoga and one yin)
- 1 weight training with Burkey.
- 4-6 cardio's a week

   This gives me some organization. A balance. Me being the Libra, yogi, and Buddhist following person I am, balance is of utmost importance. There's an unseen force intricately and beautifully woven into balance. The masculine aspects of weight lifting balanced with the femininity of yoga. The long drawn out aspects of maintaining something for a long period of time balanced with the short outbursts of 30 min cardio. On a grandeur scale, this is the balance of my life. The physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. NOTHING brings you into the moment like physical pain, or like feeling like you may or may not catch your next breath.... and nothing puts in you in reflection like hard earned endorphins pulsating through your body. My ego thrives on this shit, I know that but that's okay for right now. It's exactly what I need to push me. To give me just enough stubborness to not give up, just enough confidence to not allow what others think of my training to make me afraid to do it.... just enough of everything I need to make the changes I need to make, allowing me to better serve a bigger purpose. ALL of it is essential. It had no beginning and will hve no end. We cause our own suffering, our ego causes our suffering . I read the other day that "Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of the ego." There's definately truth in that. Maybe that's what's happening right now...the burning up of my unhealthy ego. Because I feel that burn, figuratively & literally. There is a fire inside of me that I'm just not afraid of anymore. I find comfort in knowing that it all serves a purpose and will burn itself out when that purpose is served. I've realized lately, my ego is huge. I really thought I had a handle on it. That I was aware enough at this point in my life to know 98% of the time when it was enacted. I was wrong. Good thing awareness & willingness is all it takes to allow something to be changed.

Love & Light
Dottie

Living My Yoga

"It's not about how good you can do the pose, it's about what you discover about yourself in the pose."

     Yoga has been one of my greatest teachers, because it simply brings you inward, back to your true nature; below the mindless chatter, the emotional turmoil, & beyond your perceived physical limitations.  In one of my least favorite poses which has most often induced an IMMEDIATE emotional response of "I fucking HATE THIS POSE!" Followed by thoughts of, "This is good for me, it will help me grow, just breath into it." About 15 seconds before the teacher said to come out of it... I was DONE. I had decided it was too uncomforable, I didn't care how good it was for me, I was fucking DONE. I STILL hate this pose and *I* can come out of it anytime I want! ... and then, the flood gates of awareness opened up...

     In situations that I do not want, or are not ideal according to me, I will do them momentarily, then retreat in a childlike fashion when I realize it's not what I want and nothing I'm doing is bringing about what I want. I'll go into situations, especially with relationships, with a willingness and knowing that if it weren't what I needed, I wouldn't be experiencing it. Feelings of : It's a learning process, and I'm ready for whatever it brings. Intially...

     "What are you so afraid of?" - Not getting what I want, it not being what I want it to be. I've said for a long time there are only two things in life I've ever wanted and not gotten, an easy bake oven, and a treehouse. Funny how both of those are child toys right? How about this... I never got my canary yellow mustang, I never got first chair at honor band, I never got my own tuba, and I never got to be the pitcher. My eighth grade class didn't get to go to Washington D.C. and I never got to be Tyler Gillam's girlfriend. I didn't get to go to Vanderbilt university to study medicine, nor did I end up graduated, married, and having my first child by 25. But SOMETHING would be different, probably something HUGE, had I gotten some of those things. I wouldn't be who I am right now. It's that feeling of things being taken away that drives me nuts. Makes me almost neurotic trying to figure out what happened, and what I can do to get it back. Because GOD FORBID something happen beyond my control.

      "You can't always get what you want." - When Billie told me that around 6 months ago, I was appalled. But I knew there was truth in that. And now, it's finally hit where it needed to hit. I've felt the cycle in my relationships I kept repeating was always falling in love with someone who couldn't or didn't want to be with me for some reason or another. And although yes, there is some truth to that... THAT in and of itself was not the lesson. The deeper issue, the piece I've been missing, is that it's not always going to be what I want, it's not about what I want. It's about what both of us need. The cycle I've been repeating was retreating in a childlike fashion; allowing what needed to happen for as long as I could, because really, I valued my wants over my needs, which in turn made me value my wants over the wants & needs of others. Thus igniting my selfish tendencies... holy fuck that statement took my breathe away, here's the tears. What a disheartening & humbling realization. So when I absolutely cannot lie to myself anymore, that I have moments of feeling my wants are more important than the needs of myself or others, I retreat. I stop everything. That's why I always feel like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I blame myself, why I feel so fucked in the head, so confused, and why I try SO hard for others to see me as not selfish. Because that's a pretty selfish action.

     The lesson here, which I learned on my yoga mat today is this moment, may not be what I want, but it's exactly what I need and when it intricately involves another person, it's exactly what THEY need as well.   Retreating, childlike or not, will only bring me ANOTHER opportunity to experience a similar moment. Thus the cycle. I've retreated, without fail, every time, and really thought the issue was the entrance, "Why did I get into this AGAIN?!"... nope it was the exit I was getting wrong.  My exit. It's about letting it play itself out; about fully experiencing it, whatever it has to offer, until it offers no more. Then there is no need for any kind of exit, because there was never an entrance, there was never a beginning, so no ending is needed. It's like the wind, or falling asleep. The exact moment it begins or ends cannot be determined, it seems to come from nowhere and go back to nowhere.

     We don't want what we have, not for very long anyways. It gets boring, we want something different. But we don't want to want something different! We want to want what we have right? Isn't that what they say, want what you have? When the flow stops our deepest selves yearn for something different to get the flow going again. If the flow stops, we die, parts of us die. It is imperative to keep moving. And this can be as painful or as beautiful as decide it to be.

     As long as this blog already is, I'm hesitant to add anymore. Yet, I can't help but to think about the phrases I've heard in the last week or so, that have resonated with me. Those phrases that seem to all find there place this morning on my yoga mat. All from people very close to my heart. "It's always about what you are or aren't getting out of our connection." "Let it be what it is" (from 3 different sources), "You can't always get what you want." I knew there was truth in each of those, the moment they were said, I just didn't know what to do with them at the time. And the ironic thing is, last night I decided to not do anything.

    The most beautiful thing about awareness, is that it cannot be un-learned and makes it so much more difficult to repeat a behavior which as caused you suffering.

Love & Light
Dottie

The Void

      For once in my life, a void set in and I didn't make on attempt to fill it.  I thought of all the ways I COULD have filled it eating, pof-ing (for those who don't know what that is, it's an online dating site that is one of my most favorite distractions), drinking, contacting people I had no business contacting.... all of which would have only created more chaos.

       A deep knowingness came over me that this void had a purpose, as with all voids.  Voids create a vacuum effect, it makes space for something new. It is an inkling that something is coming, maybe we should pay more attention, be ready, be open, be grateful. It is NOT our job to fill those voids < that was the clearest of all. It was not my job to fill that void.  Whew, what a fucking relief. It's the universes job to fill that void, and filled it will be. It always is. Without fail, every void we've ever felt has been filled. Sometimes we fill it with stuff that doesn't belong there, thus the feeling of something missing... because we don't know exactly what goes there.... we just don't like it being there so we'll put anything in that hole... drugs, food, sex, gambling, pills, shopping, etc. We are terrified of that empty space inside of us, as if it is going to completely swallow us up, and we are going to die. So, when that void hits, we search for anything to fill it.

     This void has been there since somewhere around 4 days ago. I simply stated, I feel a void. I just keep sitting with it, breathing with it, feeling excitement that something is coming. Maybe it's grace, maybe its growth, maybe its someone or something. Maybe I won't even realize it when it gets here, maybe I'm not suppose to know when it gets filled.... Slowly, and not-so-painfully anymore, I'm realizing that it's okay to not know. My frustrations come from my attempts at trying to figure all the shit out. My confusion comes from my own mind. My suffering comes from my constant grappling at WHATEVER only to find it's just out of my reach or won't fit anyway. Searching for something insinuates movement, when really... what I'm needing is a sacred stillness. How often do we run exhausting every option, thought, searching for answers, seeking for whatever only to find ourselves exhausted and falling into sacred stillness anyway. When we have nothing left and we collapse whether emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?

Voids won't kill us, our attempts at filling them just might though. It's not our job to fill those voids, our job is to acknowledge it and let it be there, let it serve it's purpose... and no, we don't have to know what that is...

Love & Light
Dottie

Break

 "‎"Talk to your partner: be honest, even if it hurts. Tell your partner that it will hurt, but nothing to be worried about. You have been happy together; if it hurts, that too has to be faced. Be absolutely true - no finding of scapegoats, no witch hunting, no rationalization. Just be true. Look into yourself, show your heart, and help the partner to also be true. If love is finished, then be friends, there is no need to force it." - Osho ♥

      There are moments, when only love exists in my heart. Then there are moments of release, of letting go, of a sadness. Reminding myself to stay in THIS moment. Not the moments that where. I wrote an journal entry the other day about what would I say if someone asked me in five years what this relationship was like, what would I say? I'd say it was beautiful. She was beautiful. It was one of the most expansive & phenomenol expieriences of my life. "It was the meeting of two kindred souls ready to know themselves more and understand what true love really was. We shared love and passion, anger, healing & hurt." Because that's what it was, and still is. Her being a woman, and the obstacles that would come along with that didn't even matter to me. Because whatever was flowing between us was so fucking divine, all the wordly bullshit didn't matter. We could face anything together. There was a strength about us as we stood side by side. I wasn't afraid, I was never afraid.  B just asked, "Are you done hoping for a relationship with her?" I don't know. Never in my life had I expierenced such a deep connection to another human being. Apparently, neither one of us knew what to do with it. A mutual stillness. A basking in an energy so intense, it felt as if you couldn't speak. My heart tells me the best thing for us is a break, a serious break. A no contact break for a little while. Who knows how long. I've become so distracted. The computer is getting loud, B is texting me. It's okay. It's always okay. I'm okay right now.

Love & Light
Dottie

Beliefs About Pain

"What is my belief about pain? What do I correlate pain with?

       With ice on my ankle & apple in hand I asked myself this question, "What do I correlate pain with?" I do not shy away from pain. Those who know me would probably say I welcome it, I embrace it almost too much. So, what is my belief about pain that makes me so okay with experiencing it? Simple. Pain = strength, getting stronger, growth. Pain makes me stronger, on all levels. No painful experience has allowed me to come out unchanged. Even if crippling, it is temporary at best. My ankle hurts - I just ran 3.1 miles to the best of my ability today. What does this pain tell me? Not that I cannot do 3.1 miles, but that NEXT time my ankle will be better able to withstand that 3.1 miles. It's getting stronger.

       "Whether it's true or not, what we believe to be true is what really matters."

Love & Light
Dottie

Beliefs (To Be Continued)

I feel like every molecule in my body has yearned to write for three days.

Where do I start? My thoughts/questions/explorations about the characteristic of selfishness and how that plays itself out in my life? Beliefs about who I am, and who I choose to be? The dreams I had last night with murky water and and old house literally crumbling before my eyes? Or how about the joy I felt yesterday with all the birthday wishes & love flowing my way? But what about the feelings of frustration at my belief I'm having trouble meditating? There's defiantly some anger rising to the surface (and has been for a couple days) ALTHOUGH, it could simply be, that I'm hormonal; I'm due to start next week. I often accidentally overlook simplicity. The selfish thing seems to be pushing itself to the surface. Let me get my coffee....

I've just spent the last 30 minutes emailing, facebooking, and distracting myself from here. Partially NOT wanting to explore this because I know I posses a belief that I am incredibly selfish and typing that alone brings tears to my eyes. Whether or not it is true is ENTIRELY irrelevant. The important thing is whether or not I believe it to be true, and I do...

After typing that line, I spent another 10 minutes in distraction. A handful of instances have slowly brought selfishness into my awareness. The icing on the cake was a couple days ago when I was asked, "Do you swear on my life you won't tell anyone?" My response was, "Yes, I swear on my life I won't tell anyone." - I didn't realize I had said *I* as opposed to YOURS... I stopped and thought holy fuck, deep down I really do think it's always about me isn't it? I woke up at 4am that night and laid awake for an hour, with a slew of reasons I believed myself to be selfish, I knew this needed to be explored. BUT APPARENTLY... today is not the day. I just got back from another 15 minute distraction adventure... smh

Love & Light
Dottie

Email of Love and Only Love

An email to a friend in July of 2010

Hello lovely :)
My apologies for it taking so long to write you back. I've read what you've written a couple times and seem to be at a loss for words. I know what it's like to be on both ends of the spetrum of post breakup get togethers ya know. Like I've been the one that wanted the break up and I've been the one that didn't. When you trutly love someone I think we ALWAYS love that person. Who knows maybe this is one of those things were you've been together for so long and one person feels the need to go out on their own only to realize they weren't missing much and come back and it's happily ever after. I know for me to be able to be someone's friend and ONLY their friend I had to have a period of time where I didn't communicate with that person. Like I had to get my thoughts and feelings together. There's a book that keeps popping in my head called "Being in Love" by Osho. It's been so long since I've read it I'm not even sure exactly why it might help but it keeps popping up.

My opnion I think what you two share or did share was very divine and pure. That kind of Love just is. It doesn't go anywhere we can't take it, deny it, and it's not ours to give. It's just there. Few people get to expierence that, and even if this doesn't work out for the rest of ya'lls lives take the lesson's and the Love and go forward. What a gift to have been able to share it. How to move forward? Not sure... I've done many different things to "let go and move on" I've wwritten out the good of our relationship, the bad, what I learned, what gifts he brought, and gave thanks just before asking God to help me heal. Seems there was nothing *I* could do to "let go" ... I read something just the other day I would like to read to you. It's from Byron Katie'...

"I once spoke with a man who had been doing "the Work" for a while. His wife fell in love with another man, and instead of going into sadness and panic, he questioned his thinking. "She should stay with me --- is it true? I can't know that. How do I react when I believe the thought. Extremely upset. Who would I be without the thought? I would love her and just want the best for her." This man really wanted to know the truth. When he question his thinking, he found something extremely precious. "eventually," he said, "I was able to see it as something that should be happeneing because it was. And I was able to say to my wife, "tell me everything about it, as if I were your best girlfriend." She didn't have to censor any of it to protect me. It was amazing to hear about her experience. I felt so much joy for her. It was the most liberating experience I ever had." His wife moved in with the other man, and he was fine with that, because he didn't want her to stay if she didn't want to. A few months later, his wife hit a crisis point with her new lover and needed someone to talk to. She went ot her best friend, her husband. They calmly discussed her options. He really lovbed her and just wanted her to be clear about what she wanted. She decided to get a place of her own where she could work things out and eventually she went back to her husband. Through all this, whenever the man found himself mentally at war with what was happening, and experiencing pain or fear, he inquired into the thought he was believing at that moment, and returned to a calm and cheerful state of mind. He came to know for himself that the only possible problem he could have was only his own uninvestigated thinking. His wife gave him everything he needed for his own freedom."

I think sometimes we get so caught up in how we think we are "suppose" to react or feel in a certain situation we don't even realize we are ACTUALLY feeling something else entirely. I that is often where our confusion lies.... How do we think we SHOULD feel, and how do we REALLY feel? Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. If you want to call him, call him, if you don't feel like talking to him, don't. If you want to hug him, hug him. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to love him just because you can, because when we love someoen we are really the one that benefits the most, there's nothing like feeling love for someone totally and fully. He can't take what you feel for him away. So keep feeling it, and pray for the highest good of all concerned. :)

Feel free to email me right back. I hope you have an amazing day.

Love & Light
Dottie

P.S. So much for being at a "loss for words" :P

Rich Awareness

"It was then that I learned to let go, it is now I truly believe" a painting called awakening that is now hanging above my bed.

"Peoples forced reflection by the suffering of loss"

It is one thing to have a goal. It's okay to have goals and dreams, but it's the understanding and acceptance from the moment that goal is created that it may or may not happen.

"Today seemed chocked full of lessons, signs, answers and bits of guidance if we were aware enough to catch it..." My text to J... her response... "Ditto."

The song I cannot currently get enough of, Ryan Starr's "We might fall"

"We know what we are, but not what we may be..." The ring I bought today which I absolutely LOVE.

The realization on my way home that for the first time, J and I may or may not work. I don't know, it's okay not to know. Be honest with myself about what I want, I want to be with her, but you know what... it may or may not happen and that's okay.

"And if you didn't know you hurt your momma's feelings she's been crying." - a message from my cousin. I do know, am I responsible for her feelings? She's not willing to talk about them, and leaving was what truly felt best for me to do, there is no regret or shame. I would have rather spent the day here, with J at the art fair. This was were I was suppose to be, I'm sure of it, otherwise... I wouldn't have been here.

Control came up a few times... then my thoughts where, if I believe I have control issues and affirm that wihtout taking action or also viewing a resolution or healing in progress, I will only amplify them.


Symbolism. Parallel's. Love. Healing. Passion. Honesty. Awareness. Sharing.

"If the Buddha got stuck" is rocking my world right now.

Today was rich. It's time to sleep and allow it all to sink in to the very core of my being, beyond and without the filter of my conscious mind....

Love & Light
Dottie

The Decision

    I'm so happy & relieved right now I can't stop smiling.  I finally made the decision to go home tomorrow. I'm going through with my plans to go to Huntsville to see my Dad and Katie, and then leaving from there and heading back to MI to an empty house. The mere thought of that allows a sense of peace to swell and take over my entire being. FINALLY, is the only thought that comes to mind.  Me time; time to regroup & reflect. To be with this transition stage of my life. Since roughly the 5th of August my life has been in GO mode. Between adjusting my life to make room for a new relationship, cramming in last minute conicals, preparing for graduation, and studying for Kaplan & Med Surg all while doing my best to maintain some sort of balance... I've yet to feel the excitement and relief of graduating because I've not stopped going. The family coming in added stress, then coming down sooner than I wanted too didn't help. What i wanted to do was take a couple days to re-group, do some yoga, work out, and get my NCLEX shit sent off, but instead I felt obligated to keep my word that I would come down on Sunday. I'm so ready to go home. I don't mind change, I welcome it although I have my fear moments, and have to consciously come back to myself & my body to center and reground myself.
     
    I spent the first few days crying, angry, and not accepting things as they were. I wanted to be home,  I wanted my mother to not  be in pain, and my brother to get more out of life; mixed with a thousand other things like not  sleeping with 3 tv's going, having starbucks less than an hour away, or not having a clue where my phone charger was blah, blah, blah.  Being around all the smoke and noise was reeking havoc on my energy level & serenity. I see so much pain, suffering, and addict/co-dependent tendencies here it terrifies me.  Where does the fear come from? What scares me about it? That I may get sucked back in. That these habits will only lead to more suffering for people I love so dearly and there is nothing I can do about it. I understand that. So why expose myself to something so painful? I described it as watching a baby die from  cancer. That's how I felt. Like I was helpless, powerless, & my presence was merely another energy source for anger and fear to bread. I didn't want to fuel this fire, and I wanted out. I kept saying, "I feel like I'm running from something" which usually prompts me to sit with it, feel it, stand strong and dig deep. What are these feelings trying to tell me? Then I was told that sometimes when we become aware we are not strong enough at that moment, in that situation it's okay to honor ourselves enough to walk away, not run, but walk. Walk with confidence & Love. This statment solidfied my thoughts I've been having over the last several months abotu discernment and how sometimes we ARE suppose to stand strong, sit with it, feel it, and intiate change... other times it's about surrender, acceptance, and letting go.

     I'm so grateful for the growth I have experienced because when these emotions hit like an MMA fighter punching me in the chest I sought refuge in my spirituality & nature. To say I did  not have thoughts of indulging in old/self sabotaging behaviors would be a lie, I had them, but they were fleeting. Knowing, when I was done I'd be right back here,but with more shit to sift through. Instead, I reached out for help from ppl I knew would only pour Love into this situation. Not fear, not blame, not anger. Just love and reassurance that it's okay, this isn't where I belong anymore, and this isn't who I am, and really it's okay. It's okay to feel sadness when suffering is present, it doesn't have to become you or consume you.  It's okay to be felt. There have been so many little tid bits of spirituality pop up at the most appropriate times, helping me to sink deeper into the acceptance of my desires, fears, and reality as it was. Gentle reminders that if I can't remain true to myself in choosing not to indulge in gossip or blame it's okay to walk away. It has been my practice to not relate to people in affirming pain, loss, scarcity, etc.  It has been my practice to relate to them in life affirming conversations about their strengths, choices, growth, deep life changing conversations of allowing what doesn't work to surface and move on. < This is the life I've chosen to live.

    I do feel there could be more acceptance on my part of the life they have chosen to live. Reaching for outward solutions to inward problems, becoming accustomed to struggle and sacrifice. Denial, excuses, rationalizing. It's so strong it makes me want to vomit. Like the very energy itself is toxic to who I am. Fight or flight kicks in without thought. Then somewhere, underneath it all, something reminds me to breathe.  That's it. It's that simple I breathe. Re-connect with who I am, and not with who I was or with their beliefs of fear, struggle, and scarcity. Beliefs that they never have enough of anything, everything is painful physically & mentally, and this is all there is. I know differently, but that's where the denial, excuses, and rationalizing come in. But this is the life they have chosen to live, who am I to ask for acceptance of my life if I cannot grant acceptance of theirs? So what does that mean? It means surrendering, letting go of expectations and desires despite how "good" I think they are for them. If they are totally unaware of thier own pain and suffering and truly believe they are happy, who am I to bring some shit to the surface ripping apart what happiness they DO have? Not everyone wants to live a life of self-discovery. Some are totally happy where they are, kudos to them. That within itself is a beautiful lesson for me.

     "We must learn to transcend our own views." < a statement I read this week from "If the buddha got stuck." I've spent the last few days stirring up that metaphorically bucket. That five gallon bucket of water with mudd caked on the bottom. While digging deep and cleaning out that mudd, the water is going to get a little dirty. It's going to temporarily cloud some things, and require some patience on my part for it to resettle. But when it does, there will be less muck, I will be more clear, and there will be more room for new.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Rippling Thoughts

     The jolt of clarity that has been the catalyst for life changing events hit me again today.  As was listening to the first CD she gave me, almost mopey, wondering if  she was going to text me when she got up, and replaying our conversations from yesterday.  I realized I was not helping the situation. 

      I've done two things I've never done before. I asked the universe to bring about my desired outcome, and did so with grace and humility. Not from a place of fear, but of Love.  It wasn't a "I deserve this" but was an "I am worth this" For once, I genuinely felt I was worth and capable of maintaining this deep emotional connection that some have never felt. The mind is a very powerful thing, each instant I'm thinking about her, how I want things to be, what I'm terrified of them becoming, or trying to figure it all out... my mind is sending ripples of energy out into the universe which are creating chaos constantly.  Allowing my mind to go nuts is allowing my world to go nuts. An understanding came over me. My only feelings where of peace, and my only thoughts were of kindness towards myself to gently bring myself back every time I realized  I was allowing my mind to run rampat. In doing this for myself, I was allowing kindness and love to flow to her. I guess this can be related to "getting out of your own way." A trust became apparent. A trust in something larger than myself, that everything was and would work out exactly as it should... my only job to ask for guidance and take that action as it is revealed to me. So often I stew over shit. I listen to the same few songs and stir emotions within myself. It's like at at that moment, every thing I had been talking for the last couple years was actually within my grasp to carry out. The art of letting go. I remember thinking, so THIS is what it feels like to "let go" but I did nothing. It was merely a realization that hit me, an a ha moment that I didn't HAVE to keep thinking, and it was best if I didn't.

    Does this mean she was not the first thought that flooded my mind when I opened my eyes from my nap? Or my heart didn't sink for just a moment when I realized she hadn't text me today? No, but I took a breath and asked the universe to take be back to where I was earlier, a place of love and understanding.

     It just realized how absolutely powerful the mind really is thus making it extremely important to keep it focused on something that will allow the healing and love to flow to the area you have sought healing for. In the most simple and ego-understandable sense it's like finding a distraction, but really it's deeper than that. It's a trust that it's all working out beautifully and as requested; while keeping the fear mind occupied with something much less important and energy consuming.

   A conscious decision to focus on something else not out of fear of creating that which you don't want, but out of love that by re-directing your thoughts you are clearing the way for your desired outcome to come about. It's that simple, and that slight. A tiny thought change which makes way for everyday miracles.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Peacefully Torn, Awaiting Guidance

"Connect with others, lies at the heart of our journey. Genuine connections ease anxiety and help assuage our essential aloneness. They provide the secure base in which we can venture into scary places, celebrate our joys, and take risks, knowing someone is either there to cheer for us or catch us if we fall."

     I read this at the end of a very emotional day.  Hours where spent feeling feelings & emotions as they came and went. Exploring and expressing the feelings of others as well. I cried myself to sleep last night, wanting nothing more than to head back to MI, and cried today as I sat next to the pond still in TN. Here I am now, refecting.  David Gray on the pandora, sitting alone, drowning out the world. What is it about TN that makes me want to severely retreat within myself. I did find peace today, rather, I allowed peace to be felt, it was always there.

     Realtionship is defined as "a connection, association, or involvement; connections between persons by blood or marriage; an emotional or other connection between people; a sexual involvement or love affair." So when someone tells me they "don't want a relationship I just want to scream, what the fuck do you think this is?!?! BE MORE SPECIFIC. The term "relationship" means different things to different people based on their expeirence and perceptions. What does it mean to you? What is it that you don't want? Most people know that. We may not know what we DO want, but usually we know what we don't. And there they were, two cycles, maybe three, I had seen a hundred times.

     What now? I breathed. I immediately sought out guidance and clarity from Angelic beings and spiritual teachers. Terrified I was simply repressing what I was feeling and would end the night acting out on addict behaviors. In other words, I was afraid I'd find myself drunk in a strange man's bed. I didn't. Thank God.

     Awaiting guidance. More shall be revealed, until then I breathe and wait, ever so patiently...

Love & Light
Dottie

Coming Home

"Then come back... sometimes when we are not strong enough we need to walk (not run) away..."

THEN COME BACK. A line that hit me like a ton of bricks. As if this whole time, THAT was not option. My whole hearted attempts at bringing my life with me. I bought my usual groceries, brought my cat, got pandora rolling with the head phones to drown out the insane background noise of three tv's and a police scanner... not what I'm used too. I had my tea, I read, ran... everything I wanted to do. I had only been here about 16 hours when I broke down in tears and said, "I don't want to be here. I'd rather be in Michigan" Overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Why would I not want to be here? This is home isn't it? It's suppose to be right? If this is suppose to be home then I'm suppose to be cherishing every moment spent here dreading the day I "go back."  But I wasn't. I cried. Sat next to the pool, looked out across the open filled and cried. I wanted to be home, and this wasn't it anymore.

I spent the next five hours running (figuratively). Reaching out to fix an inward problem. I wanted to drink, bad. Hint number one, I was NOT okay. The beautiful thing is that these days, I see these desires to drink or indulge in self-sabotaging, addict driven behaviors as simply clues to what is going on inside of me. I know today, I don't have to indulge to know whatever that desire/action is trying to show me. I became acutely aware that I was holding rigidly onto something, an idea of how I thought things should be. I explored that, what area of my life was I doing this? The last week I've heard repeatedly in my head a quote, which I can't remember exactly but basically said this, "When we don't have any idea how reality SHOULD look, nothing hurts." For me this speaks of fluidity, allowing what is... to be. Having no expectations, flowing with life. When we have no expectations, we cannot be let down, disappointed. Disappointment is one hard pill for me to swallow. Definitely one of my harder ones. I was disappointed in myself, and in fear. Utter fear, that others would be disappointed in me as well. I thought of an email I received from Inner Wisdom today. "Are you living in fear or love?" I knew I had been living most of the day in fear. I called upon Angels and asked for guidance, healing, and clarity.....and here Iam. FINALLY, at peace. I want to go home, to Michigan, and that's okay.

Love & Light
Dottie

Scattered Reflections, Welcomed Solitude

A sweet reflection.  Here I am. Relief. The last three weeks have been a whirlwind of frustration bordering on panic, exhaustion, happiness so deep no other place or time exists, and time going so fast, it's hard to believe three weeks just went by.  I remember thinking holy shit, I've got 3 and a half weeks left of school. "Honey it's over" a lyric I just heard on pandora, how appropriate. "You're free, you're free, you're freeee"

I sat in yoga today and watched my frustrations with my desires to be in control surface. I prayed for relase, for transformation into something that would better serve a higher purpose. I'm certain that process has begun, because I cannot remember the three things that surfaced so vividly, as if it's not meant for me to remember, because I will dwell. It doesn't matter, they have been transformed already, the effects will slowly make themselves known.

My emotions are scattered, mostly calm. Now that I'm here, doesn't seem like there's much to say. I'm leaving for TN in the morning. Mixed emotions about going. I think I'm just going to curl up with my David Grey pandora and silently reflect and bask in this beautiful solitude I've sought for days...

Desires

"What do you desire right now?"

Ohhhh how I just love this question (please note the sarcasm).  My initial response is always, "I don't know." But I must. Let's break it down. I want to know what I want. How's that for starters? Gotta start somewhere right? That statement makes me smile, brings joy into my heart. What do I desire? Makes me want to ask, in what aspect of my life? It's simple. Things are always much more simpler than we believe they are, it is our experiences, fears, & egos that make it all so much more than it is.  What do I desire right now? At this moment? Mexican food. My classmate said it earlier, and I've wanted it ever since. I want get full and come home and go to sleep so I can get up at 4am to take the Uncle to the airport.. okay seriously. I'm going off on a tangent distracted myself, like so many of us so easily do when we wish to avoid the truth. Am I afraid of what I really want? Do I fear that if I admit to myself what I want, then I'm opening myself up for disappointment if I don't get it? I don't know. An unacceptable answer. We always know. Somewhere inside of us, we know.  We know the best action to take, we know there is a resolution, we KNOW that WE KNOW.  So what do I want? What are my hearts true desires. It's simple. I keep hearing that in my head, it's so simple. To feel joy, freedom, & Love. To connect with others. To be in the moment. Ah I remember now, I want to live more in the moment. To be in the moment. To stop wanting to dig so deep, looking for something that may or may not be there. Some pain, that I've yet to discover. As if I'm confused. So used to going down within the depths of my soul and coming out with arm fulls of pain & suffering that I need to sift through. Beliefs that aren't true & experiences that never happened. That's what I'm used to. I've been coming up empty handed lately, and I"m not so sure what to do about that. Like that weird feeling when you clean out your purse, and it just feels like something is missing, but everything is there. My eye itches, lol ;) -- just a side note, lol. I've been asking myself what it feels like, whatever it is that I'm feeling. Where in my body to I feel it, and what does it feel like. Approaching whatever feeling I'm feeling with what Geneen Roth calls, "Curiosity & kindness."

I sat with myself today, as is. No special reason. Not because I was hurting, or angry and needed to explore that, but simply to sit with myself as I was in that moment. Which was, calm, curious, & open. I prayed that if there were something that needed to come into my awareness that it come and I accept it with grace. If not, I prayed that I knew when it was time to come out of my quiet space and accept that too, with grace. I simply made myself available to the universe; I sat with stillness, I sat with God.

Just now I realize just before I took my seat  I was standing in front of the refrigerator picking at cucumber salad, I asked myself what I really wanted in that moment, because it wasn't the cucumber salad. I know this because when I took a deep breath with it in my mouth, I became a tad nauseated. I shut the door and thought, "I want to stop wanting." That thought was so far from my mind until I typed "I sat with God" in sitting with myself as I was, my desires were fulfilled. Desires I was barely even aware of & almost quieted with food.

"Because when you evoke curiosity and openness with a lack of judgement, you align yourself with beauty & delight & love-- for their own sake. You become the benevolence of God in action." - Geneen Roth

Love & Light
Dottie

Pulling It Together

"Why am I doing the things I'm doing?"

Fear. Excitement. Moments of peace. Moments of knowing. Scattered thoughts of envy, greed, bitterness. Control. Surrender. Breath. Meditation. Feelings. Questions. Reflections. Love. Lust. Discernment. Distractions, from what? From whom? Which one? Which parts of me are enacted right now? How okay am I with it? What now? Sit with it, allow it to swell, consume me so I surrender in exhaustion at my attempts to make sense of it all? Take a step back. I've been here before. I wasn't ready then. I'm praying for the willingness to be ready now. Breathe. Pray that I find some reprieve in my fight to figure it all out. A letting go. It's like I forget how to do it sometimes. I've done it before, but with no explanation to "how" so "how" do I do it again? Wait. Patience. Nothing has ever been, or ever will be black & white. There is the balance. Some situations call for a fight from deep within you that calls upon parts of yourself you didn't know existed, others are in need of your total and complete surrender, acceptance. Sometimes give, sometimes we take. Ah sweet discernment. Breathe. Stillness. Silence. What am I doing? What am I hiding from? What is rising to the surface like an infection which has laid dormant for sometime, but now coming to the surface to be freed, cleansed, and no longer affecting the those parts of me I cannot see? My question to myself... let it fester? Grow? Slowly seep from the depths of my soul only to be cleansed and no longer inside of me? or do I walk away. Do I call it quits, knowing much of this is of my own creation, and thus up to me to disperse? Until I find out... I'm just going to breathe. Slow, deep, cleansing breathes. With a knowing that all is just as it should be, and really my only job is to hold onto the faith that all will end in Love & healing.

Love & Light
Dottie

My Mother's Footsteps

I've learned more about love & relationships since January of this year, than I've learned in my entire life. A life accumulation of various lessons where now put to good use.  Since I was 12, I watched my mother fall in love with men who didn't want to be with her, who only came to her when it was convienant for them, while they had freedom to do, come, and go as they pleased. It was acceptable to bring men home from the bar, and send them home the next day. It was normal to talk about your sex life around the grill with Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and friends. The first time I followed in my mother's footsteps I was 13. I loved him as much as a 13 yr old could love someone. With a feverish passion that edged on obsession. I wanted to be his girlfriend more than anything in the entire world, but when he didn't want that, I took whatever I could get. That's what I was taught to do. I spent the next 10 years of my life loving him as much as a 13 yr old girl could love someone, even though I was 22. I open this blog with that, because I believe that relatinship to be of the most significant of them all. The dynamics had changed a handful of times, yet always ended the same. Us not talking. I've spent the last 12 making repeated mistakes, trying to hard, clinging, pushing away, crying, humiliating myself.

So this is what I've learned... being honest with mysef & not supressing my urges to be who I am is the absolute best thing for me to do. Men, relationships, love, lust... it's all going to come and go. It is exciting & fun if I don't cling to that which is already right here, right now. Something better is always on it's way. My attempts at pushing for something somone is not willing to give me rob me of my serenity, and ignite addict tendencies. I control nothing. Attempting to do so wrecks havoc on my serenity.

-I do not owe any man, any thing. I'm not obligated to do shit.
-It's okay to get angry, and it's okay to tell them you're angry. I'm a woman, and I get hormonal.
-Trying to find out what they want/are looking for and being THAT, or revealing only my qualities that support that while supressing the others will get me nowhere.
-I have wants & needs. I have every right to express those, and if he (whoever that is at the moment) cannot or does not fulfill those, there is someone else who will.
-Patience is powerful. They almost always come back somewhere down the line.

It has taken me 13 years to unlearn so much of what I was taught in my young adolesence in regards to relationships. It has been a marvelous un-raveling of pain, denial, control, & fear. For me, the best thing I can do is

Pain & Suffering

    I awoke about 45min ago, and laid there. Maybe it was the pain. The soreness had begun to set in. I hurt from armpit to armpit. I smiled, and turned over. I couldn't go back to sleep though. I thought of the gym & running. I reflected upon the workout with Burkey the day before & conversations with a new friend. People who share in, what I perceive to be a very unique outlook on fitness, I don't even want to call it fitness. But what the hell else would I call it? So, here I am, 5:44am. I kept hearing myself ask the question, "What do I want?" & the answer was always, "More." It made me nervous. A typical addict statement. More. More is never enough. I relentless pursuit of that which will never satiate. I spent almost two hours at the gym yesterday. Training for an hour, then decided it wasn't enough so I hoped on the treadmill & ran. I came home and showered only to find myself wanting a "leisurely barefooted walk" about 3 hours later, which turned into a barefooted run. When I woke up this morning, all I thought about was bench pressing. Yesterday was the first time we did real bench pressing stuff and several times I wasn't sure if I was gonna get that bar up, and told Burkey through gritted teeth not to touch it. A "safety net" if you will, somehow has a way of making people not push themselves as hard as they could. Fuck that safety net, I didn't want him to touch my bar. I was going to get it up. Believe it or not, weight lifting is never an isolated muscle exercise, if it is your doing it wrong & cheating yourself. I did fail at getting that weight up at least 3 times. I wanted to push myself into & through failure. The thing that finally got that bar up had nothing to do with strength, but a change in my breathing. It made all the difference. Utilization of the energetic life force. A deep breathe along with a pause as I held the bar above my chest, holding the breath on the way down, and breathing out while pushing the weight away from my body. Where I had failed  to get it up even a second time, I got it up three times. And I laughed. A joy. I loved it. As if I was pushing back against every emotion that had pushed on me for the last 10 years. It was payback. I fought back against whatever it was that had so often fueled those days & nights of self-destruction. Breathing & pushing that hard make you go places inside yourself you haven't been in years. I don't mind going there these days, in fact I welcome it. I've built a positive relationship with pain & suffering... in that way, in eradicates itself. If the relationship is positive, and I find joy within it; then where is the pain & suffering?

Love & Light
Dottie

Growing Passion

"There are few things I enjoy more than training hard."

 - My thought Monday after working out with Burkey.  As if I had been denying that fact, ashamed of what people would think if they knew how much I really loved to put my body through rigorous physical training... dammit I can't find the quote but something along the line of a drive to push one's self which borders on psychosis. < I've been there. We laugh joking about how sick we are & how much we love it. There have been surreal moments this week. Surprised by what I could do and was doing.  Secretly admiring the blood blisters on my hands, and bruises on my shins... that bar has no empathy. Smiling with every sore movement of my body for days afterward. My hidden pride, knowing what I can do in that that station, wanting only more. To push more, to lift more, to see what kind of internal dialogue pops up after holding a 15ft slosh pipe over your head for 3 min slowly loosing feeling in your arms becoming aware of the phantom sensation of water trickling down my forearms. What is said in my head, says a lot about me... and I want to know what that is. People watch, and you breathe. Because there comes a point when it takes all you have to simply do that, just breathe. Speaking of watching, that's what I'm doing. Watching a passion for training grow inside me like my passion for personal growth, which I guess they could go hand in hand. Inspired by those who train on a level many would consider "crazy"... yet I see it as honesty, willingness, & humility. I see it as part of an intricate matrix of who I am. Physical, mental, & spiritual. Allegory. A word I didn't even know the meaning to until a few days ago, unaware I didn't know the meaning until a comment was made standing outside Anytime Fitness holding my station 515 shirt. I wasn't gonna wear that shirt until I knew wtf allegory meant, lol. Powerful. Strong. Humble. Scared. Courageous. Willing. Proud. Honest.... just a a few of the things I feel when I drop that bar, scream out because it hurts, or express how much I FUCKING HATE whatever I'm about to do, but do it anyway. What am I passionate about? A question I ask myself from time to time. I'm passionate about personal growth on all levels. Allowing the physical, mental, & spiritual to dance within a beautiful balance of every feeling, emotion, & action or non-action. I'm passionate about being as tough as I am delicate, as feminine as I am masculine, & as healed as I was broken. Reminding myself of the importance of rest with drive. Inspired. Passionately inspired. I love this shit. I want more, like any good addict, I want more. But today, that which I pursue leads me down a path of self-discovery. "Know they self." I'm no longer afraid of who I am. When you have consciously & willingly exposed yourself to pain your threshold increases. What is there to fear, if you've already experienced more pain that what is coming? Whether it by choice or chance? Once you've been there, your less afraid to go back. So go first willingly. Allegory.

Love & Light
Dottie