There are many things in my life I can control... but what people do or say, isn't one of them. I can't make anyone act a certain way and my attempts at imposing this control creates imbalance and chaos in my life. Everything happens for a reason. When something is all over, I can say that it happened exactly the way it was suppose to happen. So, I can take that belief and say everything is happening right now, just as it is suppose to. Patience. I'm learning. Breathe. I've asked the universe to show me how to let go of my tendencies to control, manipulate, people's reactions. I've also asked to be freed from my tendencies to control/predict the outcome. I think of a hundred different scenarios and try to conjure up what I think my best reaction would be for each scenario. It's exhausting. So much energy is spent on all the possibilities instead of the realities. I am doing the best I know how to do right now. I can forgive myself because I was always acting in the best way I knew how. As long as I truly do my best, what more can I ask of myself? I'm okay with mine and her friendship ending. I have no desire right now to have a close relationship with her. Here's a cycle, me going to drastic measures because I won't say "Hey, I'd rather us just not be friends anymore." or "Hey, I really don't want to run 12 steps and beyond anymore" or "I'm gonna just walk out on my job because I really don't want to work here anymore, but don't want to go about the whole drawn out process. I act upon something where I know without a doubt, the other person will give me what I want. < That's a powerful statement. I do not regret anythhing that has happened. It's about being aware of my wants and needs, and being able to express them before I go to drastic measures. I saw 1554 and knew it was very significant... I just looked it up "You're expierencing a significant life change right now, and it's essential that you stay positive. Trust and know that this change is for the best. Angels are with you, call upon them for help, guidance, and feelings of love and security." - Makes me just shake my head, because I know how true that is. I've felt their angelic presence for several days now, stronger than I have probably... ever. There are more than usual, and I've talked to them about aeverything... I've chosen to talk to them as opposed to a friend. Because I want only love to come from me. and when it doesn't, I know they transmute it so only love goes out into the world. Something keeps telling me he is going to text or call soon, and could be as soon as tonight. However, I've continued about my business... if he calls he calls, if not he doesn't. I haven't allowed myself to do anything differntly "just incase" he calls... doing so makes me angry at myself. I don't want to hold grudges against myself anymore. That line made me smile. I also don't want ot entertain the thoughts of predicting what his next move will be, its that whole thinking of every possible scenario I can to prepare as much as possible. Something's in life cannot be prepared for, probably the best things. The piano in this song seems to float into my soul. How do I know my life would be better with him in it? My days of being rejected are over. I'm tired, but I am grateful. I am becoming the women I was always meant to be... complete, whole, and healthy. Thank you God. Amen.
Also, we don't know what people's intentions are unless they tell us. I don't know how someone is feeling, or what they are thinking... things I can't control, but spend sooooo much energy trying to do so. God please remove my obsessive thoughts so my energy can be used in loving service to others.
Namaste
Dottie
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Granting as Opposed to Teaching
"I asked God to grant me patience, not teach me patience." - Once I realized thats what I had been doing, I asked God to treach me patience, and thought of the old saying about giving a man a fish he eats for a day, teach him to fish he eats for the rest of his life.... I'd like to have patience the rest of my life...
After leaving lunch with Jack I couldn't wait to hit the gym with Burkey, I was ready to have my ass handed to me. I hadn't been pushing myself as hard as I would have liked to, but today I was ready. About an hour before the workout the anger set it in. I was tired, my back hurt, and I did NOT want to work out with Burkey. I meditated. My pinky fingers kept coming apart during the meditation, along with my thumbs shortly following although not as far. THIS is significant. What do the pinky's represent? Because obviously there was a break in that flow. I was patient with myself. I breathed and gracefully brought them back together. I was awaken out of the meditation by a text from Burkey reminding me of our appointment, and off I went, AFTER I did some research on what the pinky finger represents, which of course made perfect sense.
I was ready to go again. I deep yearning to push myself like I hadn't done it a while was there. Burkey said let's do it... six overhead squats in, yes... only six I yelled, "I FUCKING HATE SQUATS!" The look on Burkey's face was priceless, he said OMG, wow... sounded like a demon coming out there, you are gonna hate today then. Aside from the 50 sit ups I done today, EVERYTHING was squat related.
*Whenever we have a strong emotional reaction to something especially when it's some physical activity, it really has nothing to do with the activity. It's us. There is some deeper issue there, ALWAYS.*
After the 20 overhead squats with the empty bar, it was time for my very least favorite squat with barbell and weights, that sits on the front of my shoulders/collar bone and requires a good amount of shoulder, upper back, and wrist flexibility which I don't have much of. I got angry. And when say angery, I was fucking pissed. I had tears in my eyes and watned nothing more than to throw that barbell at that mirror. It hurt, and I wanted to give up. but I was SO SICK of not pushing myself as hard as I could. I was determined to push through without modification because I knew there was a deeper issue. I had to take a few breaks, and got even more livid with each squat, the last one I pretty much threw the barbell on the rack and was like I'm fucking done. I told my trainer if he said I had to do 60 of ANYTHING I would cry. My body was trembling, my heart was racing, I wanted to cry. I was furious. He said okay 50 sit ups. WTF are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I reminded him how the last time I felt like this I had to go get orange juice because my sugar was dropping... he said "sometimes it's mental and emotional don't you think?" Bingo. I do think that. Alot actually, and honestly I was tired of wasting time. Precious time of my two hours a month I have with my trainer, I was gonna do 50 fucking pushups if it killed me.
That was when I looked at him and said, "You're teaching me patience aren't you?" Looking back, I think that statement was way more directed at God, I just happen to say it aloud while looking at Burkey. So in the midst of my rage, yes... it was in rage at that point. I said okay, and I made a decision I was doing 50 situps. One at a time, one breath at a time. I was gonna zen/yoga those bitches right out... after sit up number 2, I burst out laughing. I laughed pretty hard, just dangling there, upside down... laughing. It wasn't until Burkey pointed out my anger, in an instant, was gone.... holy shit. He was right.
The moment I made a decision, took a breath, and totally and utterly surrendered... every once of anger left as quickly as it had come.
What exactly was it that I was battling today? Not sure. Is that important? No. What is important is that I recognized there was anger, it had nothing to do with those squats or Burkey, but me... and I wanted to push through that more than I wanted to hide from whatever pain was surfacing because I know it only hurts for a moment and then I'm free, free to live my life with one less emotional blockage creating chaos and dirtying up my aura. Something was released today. I wonder what other aspects of my life this block was affecting? I don't know... I just know that it's not there anymore, it was beautiful, and I am grateful.
Namaste,
Dottie
After leaving lunch with Jack I couldn't wait to hit the gym with Burkey, I was ready to have my ass handed to me. I hadn't been pushing myself as hard as I would have liked to, but today I was ready. About an hour before the workout the anger set it in. I was tired, my back hurt, and I did NOT want to work out with Burkey. I meditated. My pinky fingers kept coming apart during the meditation, along with my thumbs shortly following although not as far. THIS is significant. What do the pinky's represent? Because obviously there was a break in that flow. I was patient with myself. I breathed and gracefully brought them back together. I was awaken out of the meditation by a text from Burkey reminding me of our appointment, and off I went, AFTER I did some research on what the pinky finger represents, which of course made perfect sense.
I was ready to go again. I deep yearning to push myself like I hadn't done it a while was there. Burkey said let's do it... six overhead squats in, yes... only six I yelled, "I FUCKING HATE SQUATS!" The look on Burkey's face was priceless, he said OMG, wow... sounded like a demon coming out there, you are gonna hate today then. Aside from the 50 sit ups I done today, EVERYTHING was squat related.
*Whenever we have a strong emotional reaction to something especially when it's some physical activity, it really has nothing to do with the activity. It's us. There is some deeper issue there, ALWAYS.*
After the 20 overhead squats with the empty bar, it was time for my very least favorite squat with barbell and weights, that sits on the front of my shoulders/collar bone and requires a good amount of shoulder, upper back, and wrist flexibility which I don't have much of. I got angry. And when say angery, I was fucking pissed. I had tears in my eyes and watned nothing more than to throw that barbell at that mirror. It hurt, and I wanted to give up. but I was SO SICK of not pushing myself as hard as I could. I was determined to push through without modification because I knew there was a deeper issue. I had to take a few breaks, and got even more livid with each squat, the last one I pretty much threw the barbell on the rack and was like I'm fucking done. I told my trainer if he said I had to do 60 of ANYTHING I would cry. My body was trembling, my heart was racing, I wanted to cry. I was furious. He said okay 50 sit ups. WTF are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I reminded him how the last time I felt like this I had to go get orange juice because my sugar was dropping... he said "sometimes it's mental and emotional don't you think?" Bingo. I do think that. Alot actually, and honestly I was tired of wasting time. Precious time of my two hours a month I have with my trainer, I was gonna do 50 fucking pushups if it killed me.
That was when I looked at him and said, "You're teaching me patience aren't you?" Looking back, I think that statement was way more directed at God, I just happen to say it aloud while looking at Burkey. So in the midst of my rage, yes... it was in rage at that point. I said okay, and I made a decision I was doing 50 situps. One at a time, one breath at a time. I was gonna zen/yoga those bitches right out... after sit up number 2, I burst out laughing. I laughed pretty hard, just dangling there, upside down... laughing. It wasn't until Burkey pointed out my anger, in an instant, was gone.... holy shit. He was right.
The moment I made a decision, took a breath, and totally and utterly surrendered... every once of anger left as quickly as it had come.
What exactly was it that I was battling today? Not sure. Is that important? No. What is important is that I recognized there was anger, it had nothing to do with those squats or Burkey, but me... and I wanted to push through that more than I wanted to hide from whatever pain was surfacing because I know it only hurts for a moment and then I'm free, free to live my life with one less emotional blockage creating chaos and dirtying up my aura. Something was released today. I wonder what other aspects of my life this block was affecting? I don't know... I just know that it's not there anymore, it was beautiful, and I am grateful.
Namaste,
Dottie
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
And just like that...it's gone.
The calm after the storm is here. Somehow, I've mamaged to "let go" whatever that means, lol that statement makes me laugh. I'm reminding myself I am patient. Few things today were me acting out of impatience. But it's about progress not perfection right? The energy is different. I like it. Balance. Whether it's him or not, love is coming. That I'm sure of. I'm just unaware of when, but whenever it gets here is just when it's suppose to ;).... now lets just remember that. I am so grateful for what I have learned about myself. The fight is over. All that is around me right now is peace, utter peace.
Love & Light
Dottie
Love & Light
Dottie
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Love Is My Weakness
"FOR GOD SAKES CATHY, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON"T DO THE SAME FUCKING THING YOU'VE BEEN DOING!!!" ... "If her actions bother me THAT much, what is this relfecting back at me?"
Love and the potential for it is my weakness. Always has been. I wanted it so badly, I would throw everything else in my life out of balance. It's then I'm sent into a tail spin of anger, lonliness, and tears. I never realized how badly I do want a good man in my life. One who is just as much in love with me as I am with him. I almost began giving a list of things, but they felt generic and not neccissarly what I want but what I think I would want. I just want him to love me as much if not more than I love him. I've spent three days analyzing, exploring, praying, searching, and crying. There was tons of crying, hysterical crying. I needed that. Here's what I learned...
1) I am insecure in regards to relationships. In most other areas of my life it doesn't exist and when it does it exists in trace amounts and doesn't seem to adversly effect my life, but not relationships. It runs them. I become overwhelmed by my own insecurities which make me act out irrationally and emotionally, then I get pissed because I'm really not a crazy lady, although it seems that way. That blew my mind. I had no idea. I thought I could take em or leave it, I was wrong. I wanted it. It was either all or nothing. I found myself reaching back to men I used to date or sleep with. Thinking maybe THEY had the answer, maybe THEY could tell me where I go wrong. I swear, they must all think I've got more issues than Time magazine. But I reached to them because I was seeking relief from my insecurities. I didn't want ot scare away the new guy with my irrational fears and overly emotional antics, so let's just contact the last guy who already knows I'm a wreck, because I couldn't care less what HE thinks of me at this point, he's already seen the worst of me, so I can let it all go. I don't care if he hangs around or not anymore. But within my being able to let go completely and be open and honest with the last him. I would find that I feet closer to them and I start missing them, and start asking myself Do I still love him? Do I want to be with him? What am I doing with this new guy? The phone calls, texts, and contact becomes more frequent, and then fear sets in... What the fuck am I doing? REALLY, what the fuck am I doing? Well, I was desperately trying to ease my insecurites I was, up until now, too afraid to face.
3) I have been incredibly selfish. It has been always about me. I come and go as I please, often forgetting that men have feelings too. I come without regard to what THEIR relationship status is at this point, and if my actions might adverserly effect that. If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything, because I refuse to take whatever they were willing to give me, again. I've been there, and by God's grace I won't go there again. It has always been about me and my issues, my fears. I need this or I need that. Finally, the tables where turned and he needed this or that... and I was finding that real hard to give to him. Now, I think I'm able to do so. I look back and admire A's patience with me, using that as an example. Thank you A, for loving me enough to allow the much needed healing to take place. May I find it within me to always Love enough to allow the needed healing to take place, without the malicious desires of the ego interefering.
4) I also discovered...once I decided that I wass willing to give the guy a chance, I'm wide open... and thus is were my boundary issues lied and if THEY have boundaries... I'm just shocked and have no idea what to do with them. I get the jist of what they are for and do my best to respect them, but I would struggle.... and they wouldn't know it. Once I had made the decision that I would date them, it was a free for all until if and when I decided I was done... or you decided. There are steps, apparently... steps in which I had always totally disregarded. I was just like here I am.... all of me! Do you want me?! If you do, just incase here I am! I'll await your every phone call, text message, and eagerly await the next time I'll see you. I'll switch my entire schedul around to make time for you. Really?! *shakes head :) Well, NO ONE is ready to handle all of someone in the first few weeks of knowing them especially this girl ;)... and that's with ANY relationship, even friendships! lol I have to laugh at myself. The jist... I was guilty of making myself too available.
5) My deep desire for a fulfilling relationship throws my entire life out of balance the moment a potential relationship rears it's head. I strive to maintain balance on a daily basis. Without balance, I will loose my fucking mind. Balance is ESSENTIAL to my well-being. It's almost like a war within myself, part of me wants love and the other balance. And up until now, I didn't know how to have both. When I feel myself going out of balance I begin to feverishly try and balance thus igniting my control issues, causing me to be manipulative. Manipulative in the sense of doing/saying things to bring about my desired result. I do things I think they would like or make them want to be with me more... and I JUST learned about a month ago... THAT breeds resentment within me. When I do things because I feel like I "have to" or "should" and they don't react how I wanted them to, I become extremely angry and frustrated, but THEY can't know that because it's absolutely irrational. I'm mad at them because they didn't do what I wanted them to when they had no idea I wanted them to in the first place?! WOW! C'mon!!! lol. This is one vicious cycle. Because once I realize I've done this I become rittled with guilt and anger because I've spent the last 3 years of my life striving to overcome these tendencies, and here they are again!? UGH! The old habits of self destruction begin knocking on my door at this point because I'm so scattered and so vunerable. Metaphorically speaking, I've taken all that I am and laid it out on the table for evaluation. What serves my highest purpose? I take what works for me and I leave the rest. If it doesn't serve my highest good, it's got to go. It is in that moment the only thing that stands between me and some form of self destructing behavior is God himself, I have no defenses. I'm grateful to say by God's grace, I slep while He cleaned the table.
6) Lastly, I learned to identify impatience, and realized in most other areas of my life, like 98% I'm able to sit back, relax, and know that everything will work out the best possible way, that God and the Angels have everything taken care of. Except when it comes to me being in a relationship. I found it difficult to wait and let them work their magic, I always try to work my own, which is never magic at all really... just fear based impatience. I pull cards, check my intuitive friends intuition, check numerology, check whatever the hell else I can get my hands on so I can have some idea what to expect, because NOT KNOWING apparently terrifies me. Then I always end up where I started... powerless, clueless, and single lol
Thank God the only two things needed to change are awareness and willingness. I've had the willingness for sometime, just not the awareness... and here it is.
God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as thy wilt. Please remove me from the bondage of self, so that I may better do they will. Please take away my difficulties, may victory over them bear witness to those I may help of they love, they power, and they way of life. May I do thy will always. Amen.
Dear Angels, let me not sign off without acknowledging your constant stream of Love, support, and guidance. I have felt you very close over the last few days. I am grateful for that closeness and all you do for me and those I love. Please help keep my life balanced and full of Love, may I always be aware of my thoughts, actions, and words and how they are affecting my life and others.
Love & Light
Dottie
Love and the potential for it is my weakness. Always has been. I wanted it so badly, I would throw everything else in my life out of balance. It's then I'm sent into a tail spin of anger, lonliness, and tears. I never realized how badly I do want a good man in my life. One who is just as much in love with me as I am with him. I almost began giving a list of things, but they felt generic and not neccissarly what I want but what I think I would want. I just want him to love me as much if not more than I love him. I've spent three days analyzing, exploring, praying, searching, and crying. There was tons of crying, hysterical crying. I needed that. Here's what I learned...
1) I am insecure in regards to relationships. In most other areas of my life it doesn't exist and when it does it exists in trace amounts and doesn't seem to adversly effect my life, but not relationships. It runs them. I become overwhelmed by my own insecurities which make me act out irrationally and emotionally, then I get pissed because I'm really not a crazy lady, although it seems that way. That blew my mind. I had no idea. I thought I could take em or leave it, I was wrong. I wanted it. It was either all or nothing. I found myself reaching back to men I used to date or sleep with. Thinking maybe THEY had the answer, maybe THEY could tell me where I go wrong. I swear, they must all think I've got more issues than Time magazine. But I reached to them because I was seeking relief from my insecurities. I didn't want ot scare away the new guy with my irrational fears and overly emotional antics, so let's just contact the last guy who already knows I'm a wreck, because I couldn't care less what HE thinks of me at this point, he's already seen the worst of me, so I can let it all go. I don't care if he hangs around or not anymore. But within my being able to let go completely and be open and honest with the last him. I would find that I feet closer to them and I start missing them, and start asking myself Do I still love him? Do I want to be with him? What am I doing with this new guy? The phone calls, texts, and contact becomes more frequent, and then fear sets in... What the fuck am I doing? REALLY, what the fuck am I doing? Well, I was desperately trying to ease my insecurites I was, up until now, too afraid to face.
3) I have been incredibly selfish. It has been always about me. I come and go as I please, often forgetting that men have feelings too. I come without regard to what THEIR relationship status is at this point, and if my actions might adverserly effect that. If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything, because I refuse to take whatever they were willing to give me, again. I've been there, and by God's grace I won't go there again. It has always been about me and my issues, my fears. I need this or I need that. Finally, the tables where turned and he needed this or that... and I was finding that real hard to give to him. Now, I think I'm able to do so. I look back and admire A's patience with me, using that as an example. Thank you A, for loving me enough to allow the much needed healing to take place. May I find it within me to always Love enough to allow the needed healing to take place, without the malicious desires of the ego interefering.
4) I also discovered...once I decided that I wass willing to give the guy a chance, I'm wide open... and thus is were my boundary issues lied and if THEY have boundaries... I'm just shocked and have no idea what to do with them. I get the jist of what they are for and do my best to respect them, but I would struggle.... and they wouldn't know it. Once I had made the decision that I would date them, it was a free for all until if and when I decided I was done... or you decided. There are steps, apparently... steps in which I had always totally disregarded. I was just like here I am.... all of me! Do you want me?! If you do, just incase here I am! I'll await your every phone call, text message, and eagerly await the next time I'll see you. I'll switch my entire schedul around to make time for you. Really?! *shakes head :) Well, NO ONE is ready to handle all of someone in the first few weeks of knowing them especially this girl ;)... and that's with ANY relationship, even friendships! lol I have to laugh at myself. The jist... I was guilty of making myself too available.
5) My deep desire for a fulfilling relationship throws my entire life out of balance the moment a potential relationship rears it's head. I strive to maintain balance on a daily basis. Without balance, I will loose my fucking mind. Balance is ESSENTIAL to my well-being. It's almost like a war within myself, part of me wants love and the other balance. And up until now, I didn't know how to have both. When I feel myself going out of balance I begin to feverishly try and balance thus igniting my control issues, causing me to be manipulative. Manipulative in the sense of doing/saying things to bring about my desired result. I do things I think they would like or make them want to be with me more... and I JUST learned about a month ago... THAT breeds resentment within me. When I do things because I feel like I "have to" or "should" and they don't react how I wanted them to, I become extremely angry and frustrated, but THEY can't know that because it's absolutely irrational. I'm mad at them because they didn't do what I wanted them to when they had no idea I wanted them to in the first place?! WOW! C'mon!!! lol. This is one vicious cycle. Because once I realize I've done this I become rittled with guilt and anger because I've spent the last 3 years of my life striving to overcome these tendencies, and here they are again!? UGH! The old habits of self destruction begin knocking on my door at this point because I'm so scattered and so vunerable. Metaphorically speaking, I've taken all that I am and laid it out on the table for evaluation. What serves my highest purpose? I take what works for me and I leave the rest. If it doesn't serve my highest good, it's got to go. It is in that moment the only thing that stands between me and some form of self destructing behavior is God himself, I have no defenses. I'm grateful to say by God's grace, I slep while He cleaned the table.
6) Lastly, I learned to identify impatience, and realized in most other areas of my life, like 98% I'm able to sit back, relax, and know that everything will work out the best possible way, that God and the Angels have everything taken care of. Except when it comes to me being in a relationship. I found it difficult to wait and let them work their magic, I always try to work my own, which is never magic at all really... just fear based impatience. I pull cards, check my intuitive friends intuition, check numerology, check whatever the hell else I can get my hands on so I can have some idea what to expect, because NOT KNOWING apparently terrifies me. Then I always end up where I started... powerless, clueless, and single lol
Thank God the only two things needed to change are awareness and willingness. I've had the willingness for sometime, just not the awareness... and here it is.
God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as thy wilt. Please remove me from the bondage of self, so that I may better do they will. Please take away my difficulties, may victory over them bear witness to those I may help of they love, they power, and they way of life. May I do thy will always. Amen.
Dear Angels, let me not sign off without acknowledging your constant stream of Love, support, and guidance. I have felt you very close over the last few days. I am grateful for that closeness and all you do for me and those I love. Please help keep my life balanced and full of Love, may I always be aware of my thoughts, actions, and words and how they are affecting my life and others.
Love & Light
Dottie
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The Eleventh Step and Loving My Ego
"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
The eleventh step of Alcoholics Anonymous. (If you didn't already know that) I went to a meeting tonight for the first time in months. Something inside me told me to go and I excitedly waiting 12:30 to get here to do just that. Of course, it was an amazing meeting, and I heard a hundred things I needed to hear (that's usually how it goes when you really "feel" like you jsut need to be there). Some things were stuff I needed to be reminded of and others it was just confirmation of what I had already been doing or feeling.
As I opened my mouth the words came from somewhere other than myself. I realized that I've sought a place of quiet stillness my entire life (meditation). Whether it was getting so drunk I couldn't move or think or talk, or eating until I was in a food induced coma-like state laying in my bed thinking only of how full I was, or cutting until the endorphins made my body collapse and sleep... it all ended the same way. By myself in a utter stillness, without thought. Exactly what my soul craved, but my mind didn't know how to give. These days I skip all that bullshit; I don't need it anymore, and that is the miracle. An awareness that what we seek can be found in the absence of self-destruction and have the ability easily skip over that part of it entirely to sit comfortably in silence with ourselves and God. There is more gratitude for this, than I can possible express here.
This is suppose to be my beautiful transition, but apparently that wasn't an important part of this blog...so moving on...
My ego is not out to kill me, I do not live in fear of my ego. It is simply unaware, ignorant. I have compassion for ignorance and lack of awareness. I can Love that part of me. If I am to be able to fully and unconditionally love myself, I must love my ego as well. Because no matter what it is still part of me. It cannot be ignored or destroyed. Acceptance is always the answer. It's like when you give someone permission to do something, they have no desire to do it, the thrill has been taken away... My ego has been my biggest help in teaching me about myself. It has been my guide to going inward into the darkest parts of me that I had no desire to see. How often do we get angry at ourselves or "our ego's" for causing pain and chaos... only to realize our some of our most valued lessons sprung from that? My ego has desperately (and ignorantly) attempted to guard me from pain and suffering, yet had no idea that when cutting me off from everything to protect me, it also cut me off from the good, from God. It didn't know any better. It's said that God is everything or he is nothing, that He is the ultimate creator. If a + b = c, then God had a hand in creating my ego... and who am I to hate anything that was created by The Man himself? If I am to love as God loves, I choose to love my ego. Because I choose wholeness. Going to any end of the spectrum creates blind spots... There is always a balance trying to be achieved, always.
For me that's exactly what it's about, balance and awareness. It's about never forgetting, always asking for help, and carrying out God's will for me so I may help others. It's about being grateful for the miracle that is my life which is now lived free of drugs, alcohol, or any other kind of self-medication attempts or self-destructive behaviors. Some people call that recovery, I just call it Love. I'm living in Love.
Namaste,
Dottie
The eleventh step of Alcoholics Anonymous. (If you didn't already know that) I went to a meeting tonight for the first time in months. Something inside me told me to go and I excitedly waiting 12:30 to get here to do just that. Of course, it was an amazing meeting, and I heard a hundred things I needed to hear (that's usually how it goes when you really "feel" like you jsut need to be there). Some things were stuff I needed to be reminded of and others it was just confirmation of what I had already been doing or feeling.
As I opened my mouth the words came from somewhere other than myself. I realized that I've sought a place of quiet stillness my entire life (meditation). Whether it was getting so drunk I couldn't move or think or talk, or eating until I was in a food induced coma-like state laying in my bed thinking only of how full I was, or cutting until the endorphins made my body collapse and sleep... it all ended the same way. By myself in a utter stillness, without thought. Exactly what my soul craved, but my mind didn't know how to give. These days I skip all that bullshit; I don't need it anymore, and that is the miracle. An awareness that what we seek can be found in the absence of self-destruction and have the ability easily skip over that part of it entirely to sit comfortably in silence with ourselves and God. There is more gratitude for this, than I can possible express here.
This is suppose to be my beautiful transition, but apparently that wasn't an important part of this blog...so moving on...
My ego is not out to kill me, I do not live in fear of my ego. It is simply unaware, ignorant. I have compassion for ignorance and lack of awareness. I can Love that part of me. If I am to be able to fully and unconditionally love myself, I must love my ego as well. Because no matter what it is still part of me. It cannot be ignored or destroyed. Acceptance is always the answer. It's like when you give someone permission to do something, they have no desire to do it, the thrill has been taken away... My ego has been my biggest help in teaching me about myself. It has been my guide to going inward into the darkest parts of me that I had no desire to see. How often do we get angry at ourselves or "our ego's" for causing pain and chaos... only to realize our some of our most valued lessons sprung from that? My ego has desperately (and ignorantly) attempted to guard me from pain and suffering, yet had no idea that when cutting me off from everything to protect me, it also cut me off from the good, from God. It didn't know any better. It's said that God is everything or he is nothing, that He is the ultimate creator. If a + b = c, then God had a hand in creating my ego... and who am I to hate anything that was created by The Man himself? If I am to love as God loves, I choose to love my ego. Because I choose wholeness. Going to any end of the spectrum creates blind spots... There is always a balance trying to be achieved, always.
For me that's exactly what it's about, balance and awareness. It's about never forgetting, always asking for help, and carrying out God's will for me so I may help others. It's about being grateful for the miracle that is my life which is now lived free of drugs, alcohol, or any other kind of self-medication attempts or self-destructive behaviors. Some people call that recovery, I just call it Love. I'm living in Love.
Namaste,
Dottie
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
And Love Remains...
"The guidance through this card is that you are being asked to commit your full attention toward the living of your spirituality, because this is to be your means of service."
I have faith in that.
I was studying, but my mind is with this, and so I am here. I've purged old emotional hurts for two days now. Releasing, feeling, breathing, and resting... finally rest. I was exhausted last night. My prayers for Angelic and Divine assistance had been heard time and time again, and answered with Love. I do believe they are heard the first time, I often look back and laugh at my relentless desire to ask repeatedly at times and lol <-- that's from fear. Fear God didn't hear them the first time, deep down though I know He did. Praying for God's will, God's guidance and assistance from the Angellic realm to bring forth and and expell any old hurts that MIGHT still be lingering within me, I've spent tremendous amounts of time and energy healing from past hurts with every healing modality known to man, so whatever is left there... is minut, or was. I do believe the last reminints of past romantic or not so romantic entanglents are gone. Because right now all I feel is Love.
I'm very much at peace right now, quiet. patiently waiting 12:30 to get here so I can go to clinicals. Watching the conversations of last night in my head. I've managed to maintain a state of Love. I can relate to him. I've been there. When a hundred different things provoking fear inside of you, yet your so drawn to that thing/person you feel that it can't be good if you want it that bad. WOW. I love that line. Wondering now how I can post that on facebook and not offend him. :) Here we are, deciding to slow things down. Things did happen really fast... really it's not even been 3 weeks. It was a week choked full of lustful passions with little thought or regard to... anything really, followed by a week of seeing where our lives fit together, if they did at all.... tied off with a weekend of silence and reflection, and here we are. The good moorning text messages and good night phone calls began to feel expected by me. No excitment, expecation. The absence of them creating fear, in me anyways. I was wondering if he felt obligated to send those good morning text messages at this point, and call before bed. He wasn't, but I did feel he felt that way. I had begun wondering... what now? It exploded and was now fading, what now?
I've asked for God's help to remedy my obssessive thoughts, my tendencies to try and predict the outcome, and to help me maintain confidence in my own self-worth. I've decided to be patient, kind, and compassionate. I remember all to well the feelings he is having right now. It's interesting to be on the opposite end, but no less important.
"You are being guided to awaken a more balanced perspective in your life by expanding your capacity to hold love in your heart so other people and living things may heal."
Did I mention these cards fell off my bed, a handful face up and all but ONE being one I had pulled over the last couple days.... this was the only one I hadn't seen yet... and here it is.
Love & Light
Dottie
I have faith in that.
I was studying, but my mind is with this, and so I am here. I've purged old emotional hurts for two days now. Releasing, feeling, breathing, and resting... finally rest. I was exhausted last night. My prayers for Angelic and Divine assistance had been heard time and time again, and answered with Love. I do believe they are heard the first time, I often look back and laugh at my relentless desire to ask repeatedly at times and lol <-- that's from fear. Fear God didn't hear them the first time, deep down though I know He did. Praying for God's will, God's guidance and assistance from the Angellic realm to bring forth and and expell any old hurts that MIGHT still be lingering within me, I've spent tremendous amounts of time and energy healing from past hurts with every healing modality known to man, so whatever is left there... is minut, or was. I do believe the last reminints of past romantic or not so romantic entanglents are gone. Because right now all I feel is Love.
I'm very much at peace right now, quiet. patiently waiting 12:30 to get here so I can go to clinicals. Watching the conversations of last night in my head. I've managed to maintain a state of Love. I can relate to him. I've been there. When a hundred different things provoking fear inside of you, yet your so drawn to that thing/person you feel that it can't be good if you want it that bad. WOW. I love that line. Wondering now how I can post that on facebook and not offend him. :) Here we are, deciding to slow things down. Things did happen really fast... really it's not even been 3 weeks. It was a week choked full of lustful passions with little thought or regard to... anything really, followed by a week of seeing where our lives fit together, if they did at all.... tied off with a weekend of silence and reflection, and here we are. The good moorning text messages and good night phone calls began to feel expected by me. No excitment, expecation. The absence of them creating fear, in me anyways. I was wondering if he felt obligated to send those good morning text messages at this point, and call before bed. He wasn't, but I did feel he felt that way. I had begun wondering... what now? It exploded and was now fading, what now?
I've asked for God's help to remedy my obssessive thoughts, my tendencies to try and predict the outcome, and to help me maintain confidence in my own self-worth. I've decided to be patient, kind, and compassionate. I remember all to well the feelings he is having right now. It's interesting to be on the opposite end, but no less important.
"You are being guided to awaken a more balanced perspective in your life by expanding your capacity to hold love in your heart so other people and living things may heal."
Did I mention these cards fell off my bed, a handful face up and all but ONE being one I had pulled over the last couple days.... this was the only one I hadn't seen yet... and here it is.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, February 14, 2011
Owning My Power
"I am confident in my own self-worth"
To say there is no fear, would be a lie. Awareness and willingness. The two things needed to make a positive change. The theme is reoccurring, the signs all around are saying I'm at a pivotal time in my life, and although I've spent years going within.. it is finally time to fully let somethings go, that time is now. It's all the same thing. Balance of my mind, body, spirit and of my inner power. In my conversations yesterday I realized I give my power away, especially with men which leaves me powerless, frustrated and rittled with anxiety and fear. I easily go from strong, fruitful, confident, feminine Dottie to.... wait.... do you really like me? Can I trust you? Why didn't you call the very second you got into your car? What is that suppose to mean? Yada, yada ya... the fears of an adolescent little girl. I'm not an adolescent anymore. I'm not a scared little girl. Yet, periodically that part of me comes out full swing and I feel as if I'm loosing control. Now that is the problem ... time for the solution. I choose not to sit in the problem once I realize what the problem is...
I started the day with meditation. I was frustrated, angry, and wanted to cry. Finally I told myself to ride those thoughts, to accept their presence and go wherever they wanted to take me. I visited a familiar place within myself. The place where I cast away and hide those parts of me I don't want anyone to see, so far down I often forget I have them there. It's always dark and a little chilly, and quiet... too quiet. But I go there and I sit with those parts of me I've chosen to hate. I speak softly and with Love. Understanding what initially created this negative aspect of myself... and offer compassion. Sometimes it takes me a couple times to do all that, and sometimes, like today... that part of me is VERY resistive. But I got there, and I'll go again tomorrow. I'll go as many times as I must to allow Love in.
I've spent the day wrapped in prayer. Realizing I have obsessive tendencies. Tendencies to also play out scenarios in my head that have never happened, and are HIGHLY unlikely to EVER happen. These scenarios breed fear, lots of fear and frustration that "I'm doing it again!" But that's what I do. I cannot get angry at myself, for at some time in my life I'm sure those actions were simply defense mechanisms I created to keep myself safe. To protect my childlike innocence and delicate heart. Conjuring up in my head all the possibilities of what COULD happen so I can be prepared for anything. I don't need those barriers anymore. I, however, cannot think myself out of a thought. So within those moments of prayer, I asked God to remove my obsessions, just as he removed my obsession with alcohol and other life destructing habits. Patience. I've been patient with myself. Loving myself unconditionally, consoling myself as I would my best friend.
A month ago I was more confident and in love with myself than I had ever been in my entire life. The last couple days... I've began to get back to that. How beautiful it is, to realize God answered your prayers before you had asked them. I've had to ask many times today for God to restore faith, trust, and confidence within myself. I am blessed. I am so worthy of all the good coming my way. Great Love, and utter joy are here for my enjoyment. For my basking, if I so choose. To dance in as a birds dance in the rain. I must remember that I am loved. No single person on this planet can take that from me, it is only me who can give them the power to do so, my power. It has nothing to do with him. This is me. Every moment I am less fearful, more powerful, and more okay with being that way. What do I want right now? To sleep. To wash my face, and go to sleep.... It doesn't matter if it's only 9:14, that's my ego talking. Transformation can be tiring, I choose rest. :)
A beautiful example of Light, Lessons, & Love. Pure, persistent, and unconditional divine Love...
Dottie
To say there is no fear, would be a lie. Awareness and willingness. The two things needed to make a positive change. The theme is reoccurring, the signs all around are saying I'm at a pivotal time in my life, and although I've spent years going within.. it is finally time to fully let somethings go, that time is now. It's all the same thing. Balance of my mind, body, spirit and of my inner power. In my conversations yesterday I realized I give my power away, especially with men which leaves me powerless, frustrated and rittled with anxiety and fear. I easily go from strong, fruitful, confident, feminine Dottie to.... wait.... do you really like me? Can I trust you? Why didn't you call the very second you got into your car? What is that suppose to mean? Yada, yada ya... the fears of an adolescent little girl. I'm not an adolescent anymore. I'm not a scared little girl. Yet, periodically that part of me comes out full swing and I feel as if I'm loosing control. Now that is the problem ... time for the solution. I choose not to sit in the problem once I realize what the problem is...
I started the day with meditation. I was frustrated, angry, and wanted to cry. Finally I told myself to ride those thoughts, to accept their presence and go wherever they wanted to take me. I visited a familiar place within myself. The place where I cast away and hide those parts of me I don't want anyone to see, so far down I often forget I have them there. It's always dark and a little chilly, and quiet... too quiet. But I go there and I sit with those parts of me I've chosen to hate. I speak softly and with Love. Understanding what initially created this negative aspect of myself... and offer compassion. Sometimes it takes me a couple times to do all that, and sometimes, like today... that part of me is VERY resistive. But I got there, and I'll go again tomorrow. I'll go as many times as I must to allow Love in.
I've spent the day wrapped in prayer. Realizing I have obsessive tendencies. Tendencies to also play out scenarios in my head that have never happened, and are HIGHLY unlikely to EVER happen. These scenarios breed fear, lots of fear and frustration that "I'm doing it again!" But that's what I do. I cannot get angry at myself, for at some time in my life I'm sure those actions were simply defense mechanisms I created to keep myself safe. To protect my childlike innocence and delicate heart. Conjuring up in my head all the possibilities of what COULD happen so I can be prepared for anything. I don't need those barriers anymore. I, however, cannot think myself out of a thought. So within those moments of prayer, I asked God to remove my obsessions, just as he removed my obsession with alcohol and other life destructing habits. Patience. I've been patient with myself. Loving myself unconditionally, consoling myself as I would my best friend.
A month ago I was more confident and in love with myself than I had ever been in my entire life. The last couple days... I've began to get back to that. How beautiful it is, to realize God answered your prayers before you had asked them. I've had to ask many times today for God to restore faith, trust, and confidence within myself. I am blessed. I am so worthy of all the good coming my way. Great Love, and utter joy are here for my enjoyment. For my basking, if I so choose. To dance in as a birds dance in the rain. I must remember that I am loved. No single person on this planet can take that from me, it is only me who can give them the power to do so, my power. It has nothing to do with him. This is me. Every moment I am less fearful, more powerful, and more okay with being that way. What do I want right now? To sleep. To wash my face, and go to sleep.... It doesn't matter if it's only 9:14, that's my ego talking. Transformation can be tiring, I choose rest. :)
A beautiful example of Light, Lessons, & Love. Pure, persistent, and unconditional divine Love...
Dottie
Taking Back My Power
"You have drawn this card to help you recognize the times and the ways in which you give away your inner power. This card suggests that you need ot strengthen your feelings of inner confindence and self-worth so that others are not so easily able to break down or deflate your sense of well-being. You are entering, or may already have entered a series of experiences to help you test your own ability to hold or reclaim your power. This card is suggesting that you will do well to make sure you stay in your own power even when others have expectatins of your fixing their lives."
Damn the conversations in my head, they exhaust me. Conversations of the things I wish I would have said, wanted to say but didn't, or didn't think of. Sometimes it's like a possible scenario, preparing me for what COULD take place, preparing me for how I would/could/should react with various reactions THEY might have. As if I could think of every possibility.... It's like trying to... I can't even think of a great metaphor, and I'm good at metpahors, lol. It's tiring, it's frustrating, it makes me feel as if I"m loosing control and creates fear. This is a big part of what had happened today. Every conversation in my head begins to obsessively roll around and allow another to follow.... driving me nuts.
I live everyday for the moments when I realize some deep truth about myself. (yes there are other things.. but right now this is the most prevelant). Today I learned that I give to much of myself to the oppopsite sex, so much in fact... I keep nothing for myself. I give my power away. So many pre-convieved notions of what I'm suppose to do, or how it's suppose to be.
I just read a couple cards... I'm in awe... I just want to take my contacts out and go to sleep now...Thank you God.
Damn the conversations in my head, they exhaust me. Conversations of the things I wish I would have said, wanted to say but didn't, or didn't think of. Sometimes it's like a possible scenario, preparing me for what COULD take place, preparing me for how I would/could/should react with various reactions THEY might have. As if I could think of every possibility.... It's like trying to... I can't even think of a great metaphor, and I'm good at metpahors, lol. It's tiring, it's frustrating, it makes me feel as if I"m loosing control and creates fear. This is a big part of what had happened today. Every conversation in my head begins to obsessively roll around and allow another to follow.... driving me nuts.
I live everyday for the moments when I realize some deep truth about myself. (yes there are other things.. but right now this is the most prevelant). Today I learned that I give to much of myself to the oppopsite sex, so much in fact... I keep nothing for myself. I give my power away. So many pre-convieved notions of what I'm suppose to do, or how it's suppose to be.
I just read a couple cards... I'm in awe... I just want to take my contacts out and go to sleep now...Thank you God.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Pain & Change
"When the pain is great enough, you will change."
A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years. Today, something shifted. I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run. It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that. Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before. All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run.
So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing. It was easy. I can very comfortable run that. As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part, It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.
I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.
My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone. I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am. I've embraced where I am. I have become whole. Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life. Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace.
I sat in the gym this morning and laughed. I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift. I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it. I don't have to fight anymore. I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity. A change occured, instantaneously.
So what now? Continue to enjoy where I am. Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance. Letting go, and breathing... always. Honoring myself and others. A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph. I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...
Love & Light
Dottie
A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years. Today, something shifted. I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run. It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that. Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before. All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run.
So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing. It was easy. I can very comfortable run that. As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part, It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.
I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.
My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone. I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am. I've embraced where I am. I have become whole. Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life. Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace.
I sat in the gym this morning and laughed. I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift. I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it. I don't have to fight anymore. I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity. A change occured, instantaneously.
So what now? Continue to enjoy where I am. Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance. Letting go, and breathing... always. Honoring myself and others. A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph. I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...
Love & Light
Dottie
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