One of Those Moments

One of those moments when all you can do is stand and allow the love you feel to consume you...

She listens. I'll give her that. I get real fucking emotional about 4 days before my period and about 2 days before a full moon hits and 2 days after. Nothing makes me happy and I become this sensitive & needy mess. I pick apart every kiss and look for "unconscious signs." that we need to re-connect. I get ridiculous. I say that and laugh a little, If you really know me, I'm sure you can hear my humor in telling you those things. There is humor, but there is also truth. I'm conscious of it. When those kind of thoughts enter my mind, I acknowledge them, breath, and shift my focus to something more positive. By the end of the day though, I'm sometimes done trying to be positive. I was like that today, and yesterday in fact. But the reason why I'm sitting here right now is because she listens. She loves me. She understands I get like this, and she doesn't take it personally. She's patient with me. She asks questions. I came downstairs a few minutes ago because after having been upstairs for a few hours collapsing myself in a Netflix coma because all I've wanted to do for days is withdraw from the world; I came downstairs to find her curled upon the couch, wrapped in my favorite blanket, barely lit by the Christmas tree and muted basketball highlights. I stopped, I wanted so badly to touch her arm and kiss her back, but she looked too peaceful; so I stood there and just watched her. I imagine this is what it really is all about, when you find this person you will spend most of your life with. It's sincere. It's fun. It's giving and understanding. It's often quiet. Fran used to tell me all the time that my problem was that I was always looking for that rush, but when real love came, it would come a little gentler. It would come steady, like an undercurrent, and there would be a sense of safety and peace. I used to tell her how boring that sounded, and she used to tell me that was my problem. But I get it now. I'm grateful for this woman, that is now asleep upstairs in our bed. The women came to me earlier because she knew I was exceptionally needy today and getting ready to start a fight (even thought I was desperately trying not to!) to hold my hand, lay on my chest and listen to whatever I needed to say, and by the time I was done, I couldn't help but to smile. The one person in the world that doesn't spark fear as seeks to understand my heart a little more. I appreciate the way she listens, the way she tries, the way she gives and the way we fight. I love to know her, a little more each day. It's not boring at all. It's quite comforting actually, and exciting. Things are different, obviously. We talk about the future, our future. We fit together, her and I. Like I never expected to fit with anyone.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Projection

Blame.

I went to bed last night yearning to right, but unable to go grasp what exactly I was suppose to be writing about; what it was I was suppose to be contemplating. Often there is so much that divinely lead up to the moment I finally sit down in front of this computer, I find it difficult to try and explain how I got here, without ending it all ending up like a rambling over-drawn story. I've always been a believer in signs. Signs from God. Signs that try to point you in a certain direction, or see something you've yet to become conscious of. Lately, it's been self-control & blame for me. And maybe my whole "introduction" tell you how I got here paragraph is just a bunch of unconscious distraction BS.

I blame other people for various things in my life, then credit myself for making positive changes. I blamed my father for years for the struggles I faced with anger and self-medicating. I blamed my mother for my inability to manage money, or up until this point, hold a steady & committed relationship. Most recently, I've blamed Angela for my 20lb weight gain. It's because I moved here, and she is always bringing "junk" into the house. (Honey, I do apologize if this is the first time you are reading this! I do love you, and I understand it's not really your fault) These are only the ones I could think of off the top of my head. The question then becomes, where is me taking my responsibility in this? And where is God in my success? My healing? My recovery? They say anger is one of those blanket emotions that are covering a deeper hurt, a deeper feeling. We just say anger because it's superficial, pinpointing real feelings makes us vulnerable and raw. And who wants to be vulnerable and raw anyway? :) Angela and I hit a very rough patch, over the last few weeks we have really began to reconnect in a way that definitely brings us closer then we were before. But I asked myself what changed? I remember something shifting inside of me... and I think it was that I finally stopped blaming her for the things in my life I was less than happy with. My weight, the responsibility of a dog that has taken me some time to become okay with, and not visiting friends in Detroit like I would have liked. I've never looked at blame. I've looked at a lot of emotions in my journey to know myself more each and every day, but never blame. When I finally decided to not be angry with her and be true to myself, I was able to open up to her again. So the questions then becomes... who else have I blamed? And how can I use this deeper understanding to become more conscious and more enlightened?

With Grace & Gratitiude

To Unconditional Love Oneself

Unconditionally being the key word, and this seeming to be the goal. Years ago after getting sober I had to learn to love myself. I had absolutely no conception of what that meant. I had spent the best part of the 10 years prior, hurting myself. Taking my anger out on me, blaming myself, and metaphorically & literally ripping myself apart. I was my own worst enemy, and anyone who knew me could tell you that. The thoughts in my head were killing me, and I was killing myself.  It's been over 5 years since I got sober. I sit here today the healthiest I've ever been, on all levels. I have spent more time in a gym the last 4 years than most people will probably every spend in their lives, and I'm not so sure that's even an exaggeration. I've spent the last 9 months pushing my body physically like I never have before. Extensive weight training, 3x a week and cardio at different times. Working chest/biceps, legs, & back and triceps like clock work each week. Maxing, sometimes failing, & always pushing. If I ever wanted to take some sort of weight lifting championship title, or break any records, now would be the opportune time to do so. I train with a world power-lifting champion who holds a world record which is absolutely no exaggeration. But yet, I find myself here. A similar place I have been a few times. That still & quiet space of knowing that what you are doing, isn't necessary anymore. Not that it's not working, it just isn't needed. God has a different plan. There is always that smidge of sadness, The kind of sadness that comes with goodbye's, the good goodbye's. The goodbye's that are sending you off into a new phase of your life, a new door you've yet to walk through. I have fought this feeling for months, I've fought my partner for months. But something inside of me has shifted, and I've spent the last few weeks watching my body finally give way to what my soul has been trying to tell me. I've went down in almost every weight for the last few weeks, and haven't made any PR's since October. It's not been for lack of effort either. I've eaten my protein, got plenty of sleep, drank my pre-workouts, pushed my body to failure, and yet still found myself in this place of quiet knowing. There is always a choice, and sure I could choose to continue to push my body how I've been pushing it and allow my ego to wear it's little self out. Because that's what happens. If God speaks and I don't listen, He will allow me to wear my happy little self out until the choice is beyond my control, or everything in my life shifts to accompany me down a path which will most likely bring me right back to where I started. To unconditionally love myself is to listen to myself. To love myself even when I'm not doing the things my ego thinks I should be. To trust. To have a little faith. I have fought with my partner more about my power-lifting activities than I have any other subject. Defiantly exclaiming I loved it, and who was she for trying to take that away from me? I've "loved" a lot of things that weren't true expressions of loving myself. I loved booze and smoking and food... and a few other things that were preventing me from truly loving myself, unconditionally. I asked myself if working out the way I have been was showing myself love. Was it really good for me? I couldn't honestly answer yes. Yoga, absolutely, I do yoga because it's good for me, because I love myself. Cardio? Yes, I do that too because it's good for me and helps me be a better version of myself. Power-lifting? Not so much. I do that because I love it, because it does something for my ego. Not only that... I eat often eat foods that I don't really want, that my body doesn't really want so I can support my workout routine. Foods that are very heavy, and don't support my highest good, like lots of meat... I don't really like a lot of meat, so why am I eating it? To support my working out? That's doing what for me? Protecting my sensitive, soft side? Pulling me so much into the physical because I'm always in pain that I cannot connect to Spirit as easily? An honest self-appraisal says it's just another addiction, although healthier than previous ones, that has served its purpose. The time to move on has come... to love myself a little more deeply, more unconditionally. To be a little gentler with my delicate self. And as sad as that makes me to say aloud, I know deep down it's true.

Grace & Gratitude...

Life & Death

"God is doing some serious recruitment this week....." - A friend's status update.

He sure is. I spent most of the last few days contemplating life and death. Actually it's probably been more about 2 weeks. I'm a hospice nurse. You can't do this day in and day out without really beginning to ask the deeper questions. What do I really believe about the afterlife? What haven't I seen? What am I afraid to see? And what do I know for sure? If anything. I watched a dear friend's body get laid to rest today, she was the oldest best friend I ever knew. She was 90 and taught me a tremendous amount about love & life. She was one of the few people in the world whom I felt truly knew me, could see past any façade I may have been holding up and loved me unconditionally. I adored her. I sobbed at her funeral and had to remind myself to just breathe.

I knew for over a week her time was coming very soon, I could feel it. The universe sent me numerous times. I had been wanting to go to see her where she lived two hours away for a year and a half and always had excuses. But today, all of a sudden, I found the time. I found the time to come to her funeral. What did that do for her? Who are funerals for anyway? They are for us. I felt guilt for not coming to see her. I needed closure, I wanted to say goodbye... and all of a sudden, I had the time, the gas money, and the willingness.... Selfishness. I'll take this as a lesson learned. Forgive myself and make some changes.

Then I visited Shauna. As reflective as I have been about life & death, I had to go see her. I stood in the cemetery and suddenly felt at a loss for words. Then I heard her say that I get so caught up in the feelings, the emotions, the pain. I focus so much on the sadness & the loss that I miss certain things. That I block myself from seeing things that I really want to see. Like the other side. I've been communicating with the other side for several years now, but there are certain aspects, I know I'm missing. Certain things I want to see and know, that I don't allow myself too. I've often wondered if it's fear, but it doesn't feel like fear. I asked Shauna about it today and she told me that I had it backwards. I've always needed to see to believe, when really I need to believe to see, and I had doubt. She said belief was very simple, it was a choice. I asked her, then what do I tell people when they ask why I believe what I believe? And she said to tell them because I choose too, because choosing too believe makes me a happy, it brings me peace, and helps me be a better person.

That concept has been a pillar in my belief system for yearssss. How do we know what is true, and what isn't? If everybody is right, how can there be such difference? Who cares if what we believe really is true? It's true for us isn't it? Does it make us better people? Does it bring positive service to the world in some way? What we believe is true... is. What we believe will work for us... will. I believe these things, because they resonate in my heart. But when it comes to life after this, I've read books. I've heard other people's beliefs, but somewhere inside of me, there is doubt. More like indecision, because I don't know what to believe. What does happen after we die? I don't know. I've seen bits and pieces. There are a few things I understand. I stood in the cemetery today and asked Shauna, "how do I know I'm really talking to you anyway? How do I know this isn't my imagination?" Her response... "There is your doubt, your indecision. Your choice." What if I wasn't really talking to her? What if it was just my imagination? Would it matter? If it was enough to get me here... contemplating life, death, and understanding God a little more deeply, then what fault has been made? I choose to believe it she was there today. Why? Because I want to see. Because believing it was her, opens my heart a little more. And the world can always use a few more open hearts.

Maybe it's not about what we believe happens or doesn't happen, or how we get there. Maybe none of that matters at all. Just our belief that it is okay to go, and that in some shape or form, love is waiting.

With Grace &Gratitude...