One of Those Moments

One of those moments when all you can do is stand and allow the love you feel to consume you...

She listens. I'll give her that. I get real fucking emotional about 4 days before my period and about 2 days before a full moon hits and 2 days after. Nothing makes me happy and I become this sensitive & needy mess. I pick apart every kiss and look for "unconscious signs." that we need to re-connect. I get ridiculous. I say that and laugh a little, If you really know me, I'm sure you can hear my humor in telling you those things. There is humor, but there is also truth. I'm conscious of it. When those kind of thoughts enter my mind, I acknowledge them, breath, and shift my focus to something more positive. By the end of the day though, I'm sometimes done trying to be positive. I was like that today, and yesterday in fact. But the reason why I'm sitting here right now is because she listens. She loves me. She understands I get like this, and she doesn't take it personally. She's patient with me. She asks questions. I came downstairs a few minutes ago because after having been upstairs for a few hours collapsing myself in a Netflix coma because all I've wanted to do for days is withdraw from the world; I came downstairs to find her curled upon the couch, wrapped in my favorite blanket, barely lit by the Christmas tree and muted basketball highlights. I stopped, I wanted so badly to touch her arm and kiss her back, but she looked too peaceful; so I stood there and just watched her. I imagine this is what it really is all about, when you find this person you will spend most of your life with. It's sincere. It's fun. It's giving and understanding. It's often quiet. Fran used to tell me all the time that my problem was that I was always looking for that rush, but when real love came, it would come a little gentler. It would come steady, like an undercurrent, and there would be a sense of safety and peace. I used to tell her how boring that sounded, and she used to tell me that was my problem. But I get it now. I'm grateful for this woman, that is now asleep upstairs in our bed. The women came to me earlier because she knew I was exceptionally needy today and getting ready to start a fight (even thought I was desperately trying not to!) to hold my hand, lay on my chest and listen to whatever I needed to say, and by the time I was done, I couldn't help but to smile. The one person in the world that doesn't spark fear as seeks to understand my heart a little more. I appreciate the way she listens, the way she tries, the way she gives and the way we fight. I love to know her, a little more each day. It's not boring at all. It's quite comforting actually, and exciting. Things are different, obviously. We talk about the future, our future. We fit together, her and I. Like I never expected to fit with anyone.

With Grace & Gratitude...