I don't know or which event in the last 3 years began the disintegration of my sense of self, but it happened.
I have begun the process of rebuilding myself. I guess I thought that only happened once in your life. Apparently, I was wrong. I have come to the conclusion that that must be atleast 3 levels of healing our traumas. One when we're single and can deal with the most obvious and step in into the unknown abyss that is finding yourself with minimal collateral damage. Which is absolutely petrifying by the way. Then again when we are coupled with our life partner and they stand in front of us reflecting back all the parts we missed. There is safety in that relationship, but also real risk of hurting that person and having to walk back through the trauma you caused while working through that shit you missed. Then kids... the fucking kids come and we are brought back to our earliest and deepest origination of our traumas to figure out what we are passing on and what we are not.
At-least this is how it was for me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table drinking coffee with an open laptop screen in front of me backdropped with calilily flowers and a large open living room window. I can hear PJ masks playing above me in the loft while my wife sleeps, and I breathe in deep gratitude for having these string of moments right now. I dose fear with faith that I will get all the time I need today. Typing this helps bring me back to the present.
It's almost Mother's Day - the one year anniversary of my Mother's death, and, naturally, I've thought about her a lot. My intention is to feel those feelings, send love and gratitude for her life and mine, and forgive myself if any guilt or resentments still linger. That feels easier to talk about than what is really on the forefront of my mind...I have used food as a coping mechanism for years and years. It boils down to feeling safe in the world and within myself. It boils down to honoring my desires, wants, and needs. It boils down to loving myself exactly as I am wherever I am, forgiving myself along the way, and not concern myself with the judgements, thoughts, or opinions of people that I don't directly effect in my life. My wife and my kids are the most important people to me in the world. I worry about them all the time - their wellbeing, their safety, their happiness, their basic needs of food, water, and emotional comfort. I'm tearing up writing this. There is a part of me that is so fierce and protective that I think I eat to quiet that down before the world deems me a psycho because I jumped some bitch in the parking lot because her kid talk shit about mine's ponytail in gym last week. But is that because no one ever did that for me? Because I felt safe so infrequently, that I've subconsciously made it my life's mission to make them feel safe at all costs. I'd rather them feel smothered and annoyed by my constant conversation about feelings, drinking water, or taking up and speaking up for themselves than feel scared or unheard at home. Insert covid, custody court, Adelynne starting 1st grade, and Bexley being born.... I just thought about when my Mother lived here and how she would come and get Adelynne off the bus some days for us, take her for ice cream, or play card games with her. Memories that bring tears of joy. Then I remember how I would sometimes interfere with that - tell Mom she didn't need ice cream or catch Adelynne cheating at the card game and tell her she couldn't play anymore. I catch myself wishing I would have been better or done more Mom while she was here - this is one of those moments where I find gratitude for the time she was here and ask for forgiveness for my shortcomings, and let that feeling move through me.
This time of reflection seems to be wrapping up. PJ Masks isn't nearly as interesting as it was half hour ago, and I don't know how long this singular matching game will hold back the toddler attention threshold.
I was guided today to list 10 things I am grateful for today: 1) this time I had to reflect and my willingness to take it. 2) The new moon today and the 11:11 I just saw on the stove. 3) Being able to ease into my Saturday. 4) 50 degree weather. 5) Taking a walk this morning. 6) My meetings w/ Emily. 7) My marriage getting through a really rough patch better than it was before. 8) Not having to buy a house in this market. 9) Have a pool and room to enjoy it. 10) Being on a real-estate team.
With Grace & Gratitude...
