A Continuation of Transformation

I continue to recite & remind myself... control your anger, restrain your impulses, & keep your faith firm.  That sentiment seems to cover the things which have been causing me the most suffering. I can see a difference in my life. Like the way Angie responds to me and operates within our relationship. She's more at ease. I am sleeping better, and my anxiety is lower.

Keep your faith firm.
I was asked twice by patients families in the last 2 days if I were a Christian. I felt pressured to verbalize my beliefs and explain my concept of God as I understand It which I often stumble and stammer over.  I look to connect others through the conversations of religion, spirituality, and God. Maybe if we focus on our commonalities instead of our differences we could cultivate more peace instead of anger and war.  The question being asked within the context of my job and my relationship with a dying person's family only enhanced my desire to connect instead of separate, while remaining true to myself.

The conversation went well. I told her that no I did not identify as a Christian, I believe there is truth in all religions, and I support whatever helps you to be a better person and bring good into the world.
In hindsight I guess could have just said I support religious freedom? Eh, that's more like half of it. Because it isn't just about religion, it's about spirituality. I support love, and all belief systems including that. After a few moments I shared with her that I personally do believe in God, I do pray, and I do believe there is life after this one. I offered her another nurse who she mentioned shared her belief system to come the rest of the weekend. She declined but later accepted my offer and that was perfectly fine with me. I did not take it personal, I wasn't angry. I arranged for spiritual care and made a request for the other nurse. The patient himself seems to be struggling with his belief system at this juncture in his life; the crossroads of life & death. And the family is seeking support in theirs. My job as a Hospice nurse & child of God  is to do what I can to create a peaceful transition, and if there is someone who can be of more assistance in this situation, it becomes my job to get them.

So in keeping my faith firm, I have been forced to verbalize and clarify my beliefs. To sit with them and review them. To go within my heart and see what feels right, and how I connect with God. Of course after being the very next day the exact same question, it became apparent that God want me to ponder some things, and I did. I realized it has been a VERY long time since I felt that overwhelming presence of God.  I miss that feeling. I found it most often in working with people who were suffering, who were struggling. People who were sitting at their bottom desperate for release and surrender was there only option. I felt God most often there, working miracles in their lives. Our lives. I was not excluded from this experience. It has been in the dark moments of my life I have felt God the strongest. The most fearful, but the most liberating. So now what? Now that my life has come into the Light, and the freedom and Love I have worked so hard for is here. Give thanks. Give back. Make a point to still connect with God through prayer & conversations.

I find it all so fascinating, the beliefs people have. I don't think any two of us share exactly the same set of beliefs, but we can find commonalities. We can seek to create harmony and inclusion instead of separateness. We've been fighting wars for years over who's right and who's wrong. Maybe it's time we took a different approach. Let's practice Love. They say that's what God is anyway. Maybe it really is that simple.

With Grace & Gratitude....

Transformation

Constraint.

I have been antsy for the last several hours. I asked the question last night why was I overweight. My answer was this: What part of you is being disowned? Control your anger, restrain your impulses, keep your faith firm.  Start with that which is the hardest and work towards that which is easiest. 

I read those words and I am immediately quieted, my thoughts, my surroundings; it all falls quiet. I sit in the stillness I have avoided for the last several hours. What is the hardest part? What is being disowned? There is a sense of togetherness that arises. A sense of interdependence. Family. My roots. Is that what is being disowned? My past. My history. The impact others have had on the person I am today. The importance of such people. The grace and the gratitude for love shared and love lost.

My emotional self comes to mind when I ask myself what part of me is being disowned. Then my attention is brought to the areas on my physical body where I carry the most weight. My waist, just below my waist, but not my hips. As if the bottom two chakra energies are literally pouring over and out because I refuse to let them come up, as if the sensations alone would be to much. Would I be able to handle them? Control your anger. Restrain your impulses. Keep your faith firm.

I asked myself today what did I believe in. What do I really believe in? I do believe everything happens for a reason. There is a Divine orchestration that does require my active attention and participation to bring about its best performance. Free will.

The hardest part is being part of something bigger. Being open and interdependent.