Here I am

"Take responsibility for your life."

That statement takes me back to a conversation with my hypnotherapist who told me that, we are all responsible for everything that happens to us. On some level, we played a part in creating this event, relationship, circumstance, etc. He said the sooner we accepted that, the sooner we could feel freedom and feel in control of our life. It's a big pill to swallow, accepting that we are responsible for EVERYTHING that happens to us. However,for me, it resonated and offered a distinct sense of clarity. This was about 7 years ago.

You know what I focus on now? Being a good parent; creating a healthier relationship with food; being a good wife; and getting full-time status at the hospital so we can get a new house. My blogs were once filled with self-pity. I realize now that alone was a writing block. I'm pretty sure that's why I haven't written anything like me in a while.

Walking alongside Adelynne today while she road her bike, I saw a house and felt my stomach flip, there was a familiarity about it, a recognizable future connection. I felt the house I was staring at was similar to the one we would buy. It's funny because I had been saying things like, "I haven't gotten any intuitive pictures of what our next house will look like." Funny enough, it's my least favorite style! However, three years ago I swore I hated closed in porches and wouldn't want one on my house, well, guess what I have and love it. Pulling cards last night, New Career popped up along with Summer, and Whom Do You Need to Forgive? Healed, healing, healer also and a few others that are not jumping out at me at this moment. I felt a sense of re-connection to my intuition and self in those moments. It felt liberating. 

My left knee is hurting like it never has before. Right now my stomach hurts. As I work through my control issues and learn to let go and not be in control all the time, I find myself in physical pain where, according to Louise L. Hay, "represents pride and ego." It's fitting, I promise. And mother F it hurts. I yoga'd. I did cardio twice last week and have my days etched in my planner for next. I also have every intention of calling the medical center in town and seeking out an x-ray and diagnosis. Being an ER nurse now, I cannot in good conscience take my happy ass to the ER down the street for knee pain. 

There is much to be learned here in this space of acceptance and humility. There's a familiar stillness that speaks words of encouragement and truth of which I have long denied. As always, I seek freedom, only this time from my tendencies to attempt to control everything and everyone around me to maintain an environment I can feel okay in. Having a child in your life watching your every move, and creating their own sense of self directly based on who you are and how you interact with them - is a big deal. She's so much like me, it's hilarious. She loves me so much, it's precious. Yet, I am afraid of messing up. I am afraid of being too much like my Father. Afraid of being controlling & domineering instead of helpful. 

We hope to grow our family. This week, I will be contacting the fertility center and see about getting in rotation for getting inseminated. Doubling our chances, with whoever can get pregnant the quickest, awesome! Initially, I was concerned about the weight gain, but, although I haven't lost any weight since last fall, mentally, I'm in a little bit better of a place. I want a bigger family, more than I want to be afraid of gaining more weight. 

So, that's where I'm at in this season of my life - learning selflessness, growing a family, forgiving myself, letting-go, and finding myself, yet again. 

With Grace & Gratitude...