I need to be real, real quick. It's 4am. I can barely see through my swollen eyes and think past my throbbing face. I woke up from weird dreams of suddenly being responsible for some unknown lady we found on our back property after we purchased it, she somehow lived there, wasn't entirely a surprise, but yet, she had no physical home. It was vague, annoying, and I couldn't get back to sleep. I blame it on a the full moon, my pregnancy hormones, and the great chance I am releasing some old emotions associated with my Mother.
Here's where I'm weird, I own it, and I'm okay with it. Many struggle to wrap their brains around it, but there is a deep truth to this, and it's how I live my life. And have for probably at-least a decade. Physical ailments have an emotional and/or psychological component. To fully heal from any physical ailment, these things must be addressed, too. Less, they be repeated or manifest in some other, more intense, form. I make a point to ask myself - my body and my spirit - when I'm feeling out of sorts, what is this trying to teach me? What is this physical discomfort trying to bring to my awareness?
I sat on my couch tonight and cried because it's been exactly 2 weeks today since I moved my Mother here, into my family's home, so she could have a place to gain strength and heal, and it's also been 2 weeks since I felt 100% physically and emotionally great. I've been anxious (not entirely out of character for me), managed to jack up my right shoulder, upper back, and neck and manifested a terrible sinus infection for the first time since, honestly, probably since she lived here the last time in 2014. I've missed 4 days of work and 3 workout sessions. I am worried for my job, my wife's sanity, what this stress is doing to my unborn baby, if my trainer is going to stick this out with me, and how I can do all this with grace, patience, and compassion all while maintaining a balance between self-care and caring for others; and upholding all my other life responsibilities - my job, my marriage, my kid, my business, and my home.
All that being said - I do not, at all, regret her being here. This is all my shit. And this is truly where she needs to be. In these two weeks, she has ended up back in the hospital for 6 days and currently living in a sub-acute rehab facility to maximize her chances at getting her strength and independence back. I've had no surprises, I expected this to be very similar to the reality it has been, and I'm okay with that. She was already stronger today, after 3 days in rehab, than she's been since her second hospital discharge the end of November. I'm sure it's not all easy on her either. We're all adjusting, and I trust we will all be better because of this move.
Looking again at my weird, let's break down these physical ailments... first things manifested emotionally where I had an intense desire to physically run, so I did, three times in the first week. My 14 week pregnant ass ran, on the treadmill, for the first time in at-least 6 months, it felt amazing, but it's stress-reliving properties were short lived, and I understood the correlation pretty quickly - I craved physically running like an addict, because I wanted to run emotionally. So, I journal-ed and hit up my least judgey and crazy-embracing friends. Days later, my first day back to work, while having to back out of two levels of parking garage, I managed to strain my neck, rotating out a couple discs in my cervical spine, and causing intense, breathe-taking, pain to my upper back and R shoulder. Do you know what the emotional connection to these injuries are? Shoulders are about burdens, responsibilities, and guilt. Upper back is emotional support. Neck is about processing our emotions. The right side is the masculine, initiating, and/or work related side. After shamefully hitting up my trainer and confessing my inability to do the workout for the second time this week, I hit up my chiropractor, got adjusted, bought some all-natural pain reliever cream and affirmed to myself, that I possess the ability to gracefully handle all the responsibilities in my life; I began to feel better. Three days later, while painfully attempting to get my mother discharged from the hospital and into a place where she could get physical and occupational therapy 5-7 times a week, I developed my acute sinus infection on the left side of my face - want to know that emotion that has to do with? Irritations with someone close to you, and the left side is all about the feminine, the receptive. Sure it could have been the case manager lady at the hospital who was on my last nerve, but because I suffered with sinus infections pretty much my entire childhood, only to have them entirely dissipate after moving away I typically correlate them with my family.
It's been an intense couple weeks. I have taken on much more responsibility, including at home because Sabrina switched jobs and shifts the day my Mother and I arrived. Of course she did, right?! I have felt guilt associated with being snarky with the people I love, missing work, missing my workouts, and eating myself sick for 2 days. I have been afraid of not having enough time and energy for all the responsibilities in my life, loosing myself in this process, and keeping my job. I have asked God for patience, strength, and compassion for myself and those around me. And I think this also may be about asking, or even more so, accepting help. I sit here under this moon, in my Mother's chair, hoping this raw out-pouring of my emotions and my truth somehow allow me to release what I need to release so that I can be a better daughter, wife, and Mother - more patient, more compassionate, and more confident in my abilities to handle the responsibilities off all those titles.
And maybe, just maybe, my honest admission of my weirdness will allow and help someone else to peer deeper into their own situation. After all, all paths lead back to the self. We are all striving, on some level to be and/or remain whole, balanced, and healthy.
With Grace & Gratitude...
