A HA

There is a difference between embracing opportunities and watching things happen in your life, and going out and working tirelessly to bring about things you want in your life. There is a difference between your drive being from an I want state of mind & a deeper sense of purpose and pull. Push & pull. Maybe that's the difference. Pushing through something or allowing something to pull you through, food for thought. I asked for growth. Now I ask for peace, Love, & wholeness. This is what it feels like to be in align with God's will for me. Where what I want doesn't out weight what I know in my heart is best for me, for us.  Where I know this is not what I want, but I gracefully accept it knowing it serves a much greater purpose than what I can comprehend right now, and may never. And that I trust the universe is working with my highest good, deepest desires, and best intentions. "The answer will come during a holiday break" ... The repetitive thought: J & I are best as friends right now. The same thing I new in the beginning of October. I had decided to go on a 90 day relationships fast, and literally within the minute, J texted me "This feels like torture for me." People are mirrors. She's been telling me for MONTHS, she's not ready to be in a relationship. Guess what? Neither am I. I wanted to be ready. I wanted to be ready more than anything in the world, but I wasn't. And I'm not now.

How do I tell her? Trust myself. Trust God.

FACT

FACT: My last 4 blogs have been about trust, letting go of control, and my utter desperation to be able to do those things.

    I'm watching aspects of my personality surface in such a way I'm stunned when I notice them.... "Where the fuck did that just come from?" seems to be my usual & initial response. I'm quiet. Receptive. I spent two hours with my hypnotherapist today. I need some more self control, self-trust. To trust myself to do the right thing, to listen for and carry out guided action. To fully know in the deepest core of my being, that everything is working out just as it should... and taking responsibility for my life & take it as it comes.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Losing My Self In Relationships

        I have difficulty not loosing myself in a relationship and being consumed by it. Things done daily become expected, and I loose my gratitude for them. So when the AREN'T done I'm like wtf. I feel J feels pressured to do things she's found herself doing daily, like good morning text messages and good night phone calls. Pressured to tip toe around my sensitivity. I don't need someone to cater to me. I need someone to be understanding and loving, but not cater. Catering to my sensitivities & insecurities, is not going to be what helps me grow. I jut told her maybe we should use this trip as a break from each other, to not talk till after the weekend is over. Maybe on her way back to MI? I did questions myself, and ask if this was me implementing my control issues? Security.    I come to expect things from her that she does often. These daily things provide me a sense of security within the relationship, and when they don't happen I freak out. I get confused. Because what I expected to happen didn't. Fear of the unknown. My brain starts talking shit and I find myself in a tizzy. SO MUCH FEAR. I pulled some cards today... "New Love" - "Be open to changes in your current relationship. A rekindled passion or an ending making way for something better." (Not in those exact words) but my FIRST THOUGHT was... But I don't want a new relationship!!! I want this one! How do I know whether I want the next relationship or not? I have no idea! It could be the most amazing relationship of my life! lol  I was denying the gifts of the universe. "What are you not receiving?" A question I was asked about a week ago. I'm not receiving what the universe is bringing to me. I pick and choose based on my understanding, perceptions, and predictions. I'm asking for something, then saying no thanks without. I HAVE NO TRUST. I'm denying magic & miracles, unless it's something I want. My wants (my ego) are getting in my way. Imagine that.


So what now? I think I'm gonna pick back up with Pia Medly's Co-dependency book. Not talk to J for a few days, and TRUST.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Miracles

The universe never fails to impress me. "She never quells my insecurities." - A very clear, matter of fact thought as I walked to my car in the Kroger parking lot. A moment when many, many things over the last few days made perfect sense, and I was grateful.

        My insecurities have been brought to the surface by mine and her relationship. Perfectly so, she refuses to quell those insecurities. And what a gift. This hit me today in an instant, when many things came together in that moment. She texted to tell me goodnight, not the usual phone call. Is she gonna call too? Does she want to call? Why isn't she gonna call? - my initial thought. Then I breathed and reminded myself, I was not in control and that was okay. I was okay, really. TRUST. Let's try that for a change shall we? Then, I tossed back and forth whether or not to tell her I loved her.... I did want to, but didn't want to kind of thing. But why? "If my action comes from fear, don't act" - (An awareness that hit me a few days ago) So what to do? I breathed again, and asked myself where I was telling her I loved her from? Love or fear? So, I told her I loved her because that's what was in my heart, that's what I felt in that moment. I heart filled with love & joy, and I wanted to share that with her. Not because I wanted her to say it back to reassure me that she loved me. I told myself, she may not say it back, and you know what... that was okay too. Again, I am not in control, I can only act from my heart and trust everything is is working out just as it should... I still remained at peace, calm, & centered. Grateful. I had already realized what a beautiful awareness & lesson I was being taught at that exact moment. Then...  Ding ... "Love you to dot" - instant insecurity - why did she say it like that? In my mind, I heard her say it in her sarcastic voice... the voice that I perceive as having an undertone of I'm gonna tell you I love you back, because I know how fucking sensitive you are and I don't feel like arguing because I'm going to bed.  INSANE-NESS. lol It's so funny really. A third time, I breathed. I was upset because of my OWN THINKING. I was doing this to myself, I AM responsible for everything that happens in my life. I jumped back to living in the reality of my mind, which isn't reality at all... but so easily I mistake it to be. Within a minute or two, literally, I was calm and at peace. These are life's miracles... when we wake up to realize that we are creating our own suffering, we aren't in control, and everything REALLY IS, okay. 

        It is not up to her to quell my insecurities, to do whatever it is I "need" to not feel insecure... that would be fixing an inward problem with an outward solution. It is my job, to face these insecurities, and allow them to heal. I've seen it time and time again... the hello/goodbye kisses, the lack of title, the lack of security.... its all ambiguous. "It is what it is, let it be".... all of this plays on my insecurities. And let me tell you, It has brought up some serious emotional reactions, tears, and breaks.  My suffering is often provoked by my thinking. But it's all because that's what I need. If I didn't need something in my life, it wouldn't be here!!! We ALWAYS have everything we need, it may not be what we want, but it's what we need. When we STOP NEEDING IT, it will go away. The question becomes, why do I need this? Well, I NEED this shit, these insecurities, to be brought to the surface, into the light, and healed. (And who knows what else I need!) What I DON"T need is someone quelling those insecurities for me, because that does not help me grow! Not only that, but it sets me up to expect the next person to do that for me as well. It's SO much like giving the man a fish, or teaching him to fish. If she were to just do what I asked because I "need" her too, she's only handicapping me.... and you know what's even more beautiful? She probably has NO IDEA what good she's really doing, and you know what that tells me? The universe REALLY does, know what It's doing. I firmly believe this is one of many answers to a desperate plea earlier in the day, "God, please show me how to trust, I really want to trust you."

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Love & Light
Dottie

PS - Funny thing is, I didn't even know what exactly "quell" meant... I had to dictionary it before I put it in my blog. You know what that tells me? That sentence didn't come from me....

quell

   [kwel]  Show IPA

verb (used with object)

1.

to suppress; put an end to; extinguish: The troops quelled therebellion quickly.

2.

to vanquish; subdue.

3.

to quiet or allay (emotions, anxieties, etc.): The child'smother quelled his fears of the thunder.

Desperation

"I no longer need to control or predict the outcome of this situation. I am free."

The affirmation I've been reciting for WEEKS, maybe months at this point. I'm frustrated. Crying. Grasping at various reasons... when I found myself reaching outward, I knew I was getting further and further away from the truth. A desperate plea to God, I don't want to be in control anymore, please show me how to let go. To stop fighting life, stop trying to control it. I've felt it, for breif moments... but how to get back there? How to learn everything I need to learn so it is no longer an issue. How to transcend this aspect of who I am? Love it. Love it entirely? Stop fighting it. Stop getting angry that it's here again, approach with curiosity and compassion. Advice I've given a hundred times. I'm so tired. So tired of repeating this cycle. But apparently, not tired enough.

Living In The Moment

       Living in the moment is scary because it cannot be controlled. There is no time for thought, no room to think through your actions. "Think before you speak" Should we? I mean really? What would happen if we were to totally let everything go in the moment? Maybe divine love would flow through. Maybe we would connect ona level we didn't know existed. Living in the moment means you didn't think of a hundred different ways something MIGHT or COULD happen, and a hundred and one ways to react to each. There was no "preparation" and that scares people. It just happens, unravels, right before your eyes. Usually in a breathtaking manner. Being in the moment, is intense. Especially when shared with another human being.

Love & Light
Dottie



 

I Couldn't Say It...

I yearn to right, but feel as if I've lost my muse. Where to start? What to say? I've yoga'd this morning. I'm officially a third of the person I used to be. I'm in love with my soul mate, and she came as a woman. Never in my life have I experienced a relationship like this, on so many different levels. I've never been able to voice my anger, terrified a fight would be the end all be all. Not wanting someone to know what they did upset me, because I'm stronger than that, they insinuates they have some control over me and my emotions, because it's probably just irrational and all my own bullshit. Who am I to throw that onto someone else? Being honest with yourself, in THAT moment. I kept identifying with thought. That calm, solid voice somehow welled up inside of me and I was guided to if I was going to identify with ANYTHING in that moment, identify with feeling, with body sensations. Where was it, and what did it feel like? I did just that. Looking into her eyes somehow has the ability to open my heart chakra like a flower. I can feel it. I smile, almost instantly, and she laughs because I "love looking at her" & she thinks I'm "wierd" :) lol. The spending so much time together is new to me. I find I sometimes begin to feel overwhelmed, like I need room to breathe, exacerbated by fears of her thinking things which just aren't true regarding why I feel I need "space" . I'm just not used to it. I fear getting bored, or co-dependent. I fear us getting tired of each other. It's time to figure out where I'm at in regards to relationships. To firmly know who I am. But can we? I believe we are constantly changing, growing, evolving. The moment I think I KNOW who I am, I will no longer be that person, I will have changed. Maybe it's more about being comfortable in who I am in THAT moment. I'm sensitive. I'm learning that. Super sensitive. I get my feelings hurt easily and like affection and I love you reminders :-/. I hate even typing that out. I get in my own head and create mountains out of mole hills and need someone I can freely share that information with so I don't do that. She gives me that. I'm utterly amazed sometimes at how we interact and react to each other. I notice how I've become conscious of the use of we, us, our. I usually use me and you, my and yours etc. I dunno, it's hard to put into words really. I'm grateful for it, and I'm often surprised at how much love I feel in my heart for her.

Where Did It All Go?

I feel contemplative. Tea in hand, ice on my back, pandora rolling. I've been "cleaning house" physically & energetically. I broke 240 yesterday.... 239.8 I think? lol or .4? Regardless... I did it. Thoughts are rolling around about random things, working full time at Alexander? To get my money together quicker so I can regain my independence. I've been convinced for 6 years I can't do it on my own. He's been telling me for years I can't do it. Well, I'm just gonna have to. Seems we have a co-dependent type relationship. I've been ready to be out on my own for some time now. Planning my break. :) . Once the decision is made, doors start busting open left and right. Make the decision. I stood in the gym today in tears, because I let fear stop me from picking up that bar. Burkey and I talked about using ego as means to and end today. Letting go and burning of my ego has left me with less of a drive to push, lower standards, and less intensity. I quit sooner, I accept failure before I have too. The past month I've watched my thoughts and feelings about weight lifting change. I stood in the gym today in tears because I could not talk myself into lifting that bar. Fear. And when I would start to get it off the ground, I'd drop it. It took all I had to not let the tears fall. I was frustrated. Where had my standards gone? Where was my drive?! Where was my anger? my fight? :( ....

.... (several hours later, I'm back) This is the second night in a row I've thought to text Scott. Playing with fire is all I got to say. I just called Johnna. I had no idea I could love someone this much.