Children of Darkness

I stood next to my five year old, who stood on a chair, scrubbing the night's spaghetti pan because she wanted to. It barely fit in the sink, her sleeves were soaked to her shoulders, and I'm pretty sure she used at-least triple the amount of soap required. She splashed and laughed and asked me to help her dump the water and dry it; so I did. She continued to wash (and did and pretty damn good job honestly) while I dried and put things away. I stood there and watched her, amazed at her willingness to help and amazed at my patience in letting her.

In one of their new songs, Mumford & Sons, talked about children of darkness. The phrase caught my attention and reminded me of where I spent most of my life. A child in darkness. Today, my life is better than I ever imagined it could be. A deep, guttural peace vibrates within me. I do not fear the things that once ruled my life - addiction, myself, other people, insecurities, and so many other things that have filled the 15 plus journals I have scribbled over the years. It has not been without work, willingness, a little humiliation, and some sheer grace.  There is always hope. Everyday I see someone who struggles with being stuck, fearful, stagnant, sick, or depressed. Every time, I see something they could start doing right now to change their experience, to begin that shift into a better life if only they were open to it, if only they were willing to do whatever it takes.

If you are that struggling person reading this and truly want to change your life, find that willingness to do whatever it takes and run with that shit. Read books, make new friends, face your darkness, go to that meeting or that support group, be 100% honest with someone about what you're going through right now, start journaling. Do something, anything, new right now. If you don't like your life, you have the power to change it. It will not happen overnight, and it may suck a little along the way, but I promise you, it's worth it. Your life is worth it. The life waiting for you is worth it.

Dear Franklin Graham

I don't know who you are. Your article on Faith Family America said something about you being a preacher, so I'll assume that's true.

You are quoted as saying that you were "afraid for our children and grandchildren." I have been afraid, too. Ironically, as I read this article, I was just finishing up a blog about how it was not politics or religion that was separating us, but fear. Good ol' fashioned fear. The same fear that your religion has used to run itself for hundreds of years.

Where is your faith? I believe God, the all-knowing, all-loving, omnipresent being, that beautifully orchestrates all things according to his will is over-seeing this and is in control. In my fear blog, I started off with talking about the utter physical upheaval of disgust I felt as D.T. was elected by the majority to be my president. I had to let it go, and I had to have faith.

Here's the thing about people like you and people like me. We both feel passionately about our country, our future generations, and family. Again, I'm assuming based only on your article, that you and I can agree on this. The difference is, I don't post blogs or articles about why everyone is wrong who doesn't believe what I believe. My experience has shown me that there is no gay agenda, but rest assured, there is a Christian one.

For years, fear has been used mistakenly by people as a means of control. Jesus taught love, plain and simple. I struggle to understand why this has become such a difficult concept to comprehend. It's hard, I know, to feel out of control. The tactics of fear have worked for quite some time offering you and yours the illusion of control; I understand why you are afraid. Progressive movements such as the abolition of slavery, women's right to vote, and gay marriage all give people freedom of choice, thus, reducing the control of your fear-based doctrine.

I truly believe in my heart of hearts, the time has come, again, to teach about love. Fear has run it's course. It's ineffective, and it breads violence and division. United we stand, divided we fall. Things are changing. Those morals you speak of that built the "Biblical foundation of our laws" were created when slavery was legal, when it was acceptable to strip native people of their own land, to rape women, and beat children. Can you argue this is what Jesus would have wanted? What God would have wanted?

I absolutely will be praying for our country. I will be doing so in love and with faith that things are just as they should be, that God is in control, and we are moving in the direction that he would have us go.

It's easy to forget sometimes that we are not God, and we don't always know what God's will is for us, or anyone else for that matter. It's easy to think that someone else, other than ourselves, is the one mistaking evil for good, and good for evil.

Anytime Now, Body, Let's Get a Baby Growing.

In the name of making some extra money, double my hourly pay to be exact, I have gotten my afternoons-working ass up at 5:15am. It wasn't hard, because my sleep last night was intermittent, and I stayed hot - never a good combo. I was almost grateful my alarm finally went off this morning.

We are about 3 days out from my expected period. That matters because we're actively trying to get pregnant and less that two weeks ago we gave it another go.

It takes daily reminders to not obsess, daily reminders to not test 3 days after ovulation when the egg isn't even out of the damn fallopian tubes, and sometimes gentle hourly reminders that it's highly unlikely that nausea has set in already, before I've even skipped a period. It's easy to get caught up in the "signs" from the universe that it happened this time - like finding reassurance in "Freudian slips", random questions from five year olds, and a psychic's words that the child energy is so strong, she might be on her way already, but IVF has a strong energy, too. Every cramp, every yawn, every food/medication/drink I put in my body is carefully analyzed for the safety of a potential baby. To some degree, I have to act "as if" during these two weeks between ovulation and potential next period, despite the fact that crackheads, heroin addicts, energy-drink drinkers, smokers, cross-fit junkies, and people with "the wrong mindset" get pregnant all the time. Somehow, knowing and wanting it stirs the desire of protection in myself already, the mother-to-be.

Yesterday, my five year old, on her birthday, looked at me as she was sitting on the toilet and said, "Dot, I hope there's a baby in your belly. I want a little sister." No shit?! I looked at my wife. My eyes wide, but I was trying to play it cool. The psychic said she saw magenta, and felt it would be a girl. Now my kid is saying this?! Is she picking up on something, too?! I asked her what made her say that, she said because she wants a sister. Nothing more, nothing less, just that.

This sure is an interesting phase of my journey. It's all about patience, staying open, staying grounded and peaceful. I one hundred percent believe that me getting angry, anxious, controlling, fearful, and/or frustrated will not help the situation. So, here I am, at 6:20 on a Wednesday, drinking my I awake tea in my scrubs with a wet head, up too early, writing blogs instead of packing my lunch to process these emotions that kept me up last night. I trust in divine timing. I am lovingly doing everything I can on my end to help me conceive - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Now, to be patient and trust.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Babies

Periods have an entirely different purpose when you're trying to conceive. That shit is numbered and labeled, every day has a duty, and you are ready for it. Mine came today and I was ecstatic. Horray! Now, lets get these new patient papers filled out and pull the trigger on the big guns. It will be 2 years in November since we first decided we wanted to "get the process going" to have more kids. Granted, we've not paid to have inseminations every single month, but we've had a few. The meds, the emotional ups and downs, the waiting, the counting days, buying sperm, the hoping and praying, doctors appointments - we've done all of that for the last year and 9 months. We took the summer off. As the planned carrier and after a few failed attempts the beginning of this year, I needed a break. My wife, being the supportive and loving partner she is, told me to do whatever I feel I needed to do.

This summer has felt so good. It's been relaxing and refreshing - a much needed change from every other summer Sabrina and I have had. Summer one we met and that brought about its own upheavals, summer two we got married, summer three we house hunted and moved. These last few months I have focused on my business, my health, being more open and relaxed and watched life do it's thing.

Somehow, unexpectedly, we ended up finishing the nursery and main floor bathroom. Both of which we weren't going to touch until the fall. But, here it is, August 10, and tomorrow should wrap up our final project. We're ready. We're still excited. I can't speak for her, but my heart is so ready to love another child. I've also made several dietary changes over the summer to help with weight and inflammation in my body (evidenced by my chronic psoriasis that has cleared up significantly since I decided to make said dietary changes). No, I'm not on a diet. But I have changed my diet; there is a difference. I feel the best I've felt in at-least 5 years on all levels - physically, mentally, emotionally, & spiritually.

This shit is not for the faint of heart. Parenthood isn't either, though. So, here I sit, my detox tea to my right, music playing to my left, and preparing myself for this next step. It's a little emotional as I'm trying my best to be honest about wanting to get pregnant, but not being desperate, needy, and fearful.

As I reflect on where I have been in my life, this seems easy. I somehow still feel incredibly lucky and grateful for what I have and where I am. I'm overwhelmed actually, with the depth of gratitude I feel for this life. I have wanted to carry a baby inside my body, next to my heart, as long as I can remember, and probably way earlier than I should have! Divine timing is a real thing, and I trust there is a divine plan. I pray for patience, for joy, and for babies.

In the words of my good friend B Sacco, "It shouldn't be this hard to get pregnant when you want to have a baby..." No it shouldn't, maybe this time it won't be.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Make Peace

"Make peace."

I started hearing those words a couple days ago. And today, on my yoga mat, I set those words with my intention followed by with food. 

For me, it's time to make peace with food. 

And maybe, while I'm at, time to make peace with the past - the roads I traveled and the choices I made. I've spent about the last 8 years getting to know food differently by changing my relationship with it, educating myself about it, being mad and scared of it. I've spent years judging others for their food choices, hiding some of mine, and lost sight entirely of what I came to know - like the friendships life slowly slips out of your life several years of being busy.

Four weeks ago my curiosity drove me to cut gluten out of my diet entirely. And somehow, I have managed to steer clear of anything gluten (except once when it was hidden in some dip I was told was gluten free!) for over a month. That, is a miracle, but I don't want it to be. I don't want it to be a big deal at all. I want to live my life and be grateful. I'm going to make peace with food. I'm going to liberate and honor myself and eat what I know is good for me and what my body wants. It's still a miracle; God's grace. Or, the grace of an ever-flowing, all-knowing, and unconditionally loving Universe. Whatever you want to call it. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

I Went Gluten Free

Good morning. Sitting outside like this, having tea and writing, reminds me of when I lived with my Uncle. We would quietly start our morning sitting out on the back deck, saying little to each other. He'd usually read, and I don't really remember what I'd do other than drink tea. I think I usually had some type of book or magazine. Currently, I'm reading Aimee Raupp's, Yes, you can get pregnant! She puts in writing things I have long thought about pregnancy - the mental/emotional component, being positive, letting go, etc. A large chunk of the book, however, is focused on what she calls "the fertility diet." I am often quick to become leary of any "diet" but usually okay with making dietary changes. She outlines a no gluten, no added sugar, no GMO, no fake sugars, no soy, and I forgot the last one (better than yesterday, I only got four). I can do that. I feel drawn to follow her suggestions. Excited to do so actually. I'm very curious what changes in my body, how I will feel with all of these things exiled from my daily intake. I have went gluten free for 2 days. About two weeks ago, I decided on my own to substitute my morning coffee with green tea and potentially eliminate coffee. So far, I'm liking how much clearer I feel in the mornings and the decreased anxiety it seems to have brought. Oh wait, actually, I think I started that with the intention of alkalizing my body. Yes, that was it. Because, since that time, I've also been drinking green infused shakes I make at home. An acidic environment is not conducive to baby making. Not only that, I'm pretty sure that has been a contributing factor to my overall difficulty in loosing weight. It's hard for the body to drop weight when it's more acidic. Right now I'm just damn curious. I'm curious to see when my period comes, if my skin improves, how my concentration changes along with mood, cravings, etc. It's funny because I was just talking to Theresa at work about the keto diet. It's the big thing happening right now. I tend shy away rather quickly at any mention of the current most popular diet. I found myself asking questions and googling it, but still felt a little off about it. I think what I was looking for was some sort of structure. Some sort of guidelines. Food can be an addiction for me just like so many other things have been an addiction. It can be hard to stop when I start sometimes, and hard to no overeat even with the best intentions.I like that I have some hard no's. Some things I can quiet cold turkey, that under no circumstances can I ingest those, today. And then I just stopped. I stopped gluten, soy, added sugars, fake sugars, GMO, and (I still need to look up that 6th one.) That's how I like to do it.I have been successful with many changes just being done with something. Today is my first day going to work with it. Wish me luck. Thank God, Amy's frozen meals are gluten free! 

People are Precious

I read a quote today that basically said, don't be upset about where you are at any given moment, every season of your life has reason; what is that reason?

The question at the end might have been my own. It's easy for me to bust up my life into small seasons and move through them methodically - when I moved to Michigan, when I got sober, when we moved in together, the summer before we got married, when I started at Mclaren, when we bought the house. Tiny little chunks of my life categorized and navigated. I read that quote today and thought about the things I wanted in my life right now - be healthier, get pregnant, have more confidence in my abilities to do the things I love, relax a little, let things go. I have suddenly felt aged the last few years. Being in my thirties has probably been the best years of my life so far - the healthiest, the happiest, the most stable & secure. And I'm content. I have my moments; anxiety likes to make itself known at times. It's easy for me to reference when I was thinner, before I moved to Lansing, when I was with so and so. But what about right now? The relationships I have now won't be there forever. These moments I share with people in my life I care about, won't always be here. What really matters? What doesn't? I have a hard time allowing relationships to change. I often find myself nostalgic, sad, and fearful - did I do something? Could I have been a better friend? Why didn't I enjoy those moments a little more? - the thoughts that run through my mind when I think of old friends, old co-workers, old trainers. People are precious but keeping up with them all can be exhausting, fighting the natural laws of change is really what's exhausting. There's a reason relationships evolve and change. But I don't have to feel like it's my fault or shouldn't happen. Who am I to say what should or shouldn't happen? There's always a bigger plan.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Going at it Alone - Being My Own Trainer

There comes a time when the road your traveling must be traveled alone. I have known for some time that I posses the knowledge base and motivation to create and carry out my own fitness program. Yet, I have let fear and insecurity hold me back. All the what if's and maybe later's have stalled my progress, squelched my personal power, and aided me in standing stagnant in confusion and self-pity. Over the last nine years, I've paid thousands of dollars in gym fees and siphoned through 7 trainers. It took every bit of five years to let it all go and trust myself. To my left is our home gym complete with black rubber tile floors, my two favorite cardio machines, two barbells, 350lbs of plates, a squat rack, and a handful of ancillary equipment - dumbells, wallballs, kettlebells. It's surreal. The gym became part of who I was years ago when sobriety, self-awareness, and good health became a priority. I found myself on those black tile floors, panting, face down with sweat collecting before my very eyes reflecting back to me the hard work of the process. I just finished a workout I put together a few days ago. Logged and counted, I am here reflecting. It's fucking hard, but necessary - for me anyways. I have relied for a very long time on the motivation, inspiration, and creativity of others to give me specified results. This has not worked for me for at-least 3 years. It was not for lack of effort, ability, or support from those I asked to help me. I had to do something different. The voice of my soul has urged for sometime for me to reach deep within myself and find all those things I sought - motivation, inspiration, creativity. What worked before, didn't work again. Learning to let something go when it no longer fits or works has been the lesson here. A long, constant series of aggravating but not terribly painful road blocks. Surrender, not surprisingly, has become my last but only real option. I knew it was coming, but I fought, as I usually do and sought out new trainers, new programs, bitched and whined, felt sorry for myself, and refused to accept what I knew was the next step. Here. Relying on myself, but open to community. Both are one day at time successions, one stronger than the other at the moment. The process. It's always a process, and always about today with visions of tomorrow, no further.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Trying Again

We have to try again.

That's the text message I sent to at-least 5 of our closest friends letting them know that our last IUI didn't take as we had hoped. We have to try again. I had brief thoughts of - I'm too tired to do this again, I don't want to do this again, it's too expensive to do this again. About an hour ago we dropped another $500 plus dollars on meds and $860 dollars on donor sperm. We're ready to do this again. It has been a longer journey than it has felt. 17 months. We cannot succeed if we don't try. I am not angry, and I am not bitter at those who are carrying or birthing babies as we speak. In the beginning, I was anxious of sleepless nights, weight gain, mood swings, post par-tum depression, and a slew of other irrelevant possibilities. Maybe that was part of our block. None of that matters to me anymore. I sit here now, just waiting for that tiny bundle (or bundles) of joy to enter our lives, our family. I can't wait to see Adelynne's face when she holds her baby brother or sister for the first time. I'm okay with whatever this path brings us. As Sabrina and I always say - we will figure it out. We want a big family, full of love and little bit of chaos. I have waxed and waned through the years about whether or not I've wanted kids, mostly fear related. But watching Adelynne grow has been one of my greatest joys. And I want more of that, I want to grow our family and do the absolute best we can to nurture the best human beings we can and leave a positive impact on the world. Changing the world starts at home with loving, nurturing, and being present with our children, and not just our own but the children that come into our lives. There are so many children out there who just need someone to give a shit. I hope to be that person to children who come into my life. We decided about a year ago that fostering was something we wanted to do in our lives. Not if we couldn't get pregnant but after. We might need a bigger house one day, but for now, bunk-beds will work. ;)

With Grace & Gratitude...

Your Un-grounded Triggers and How to Deal With Them

Terms such as "grounded" and "centered" get thrown around in the metaphysical communities so frequently and flippantly, it's easy to forget that some people may not know exactly what it means. It was described to me years ago as our energy floating upwards instead of staying evenly distributed within our bodies and chakra systems from head to sacrum. Anxiety is one of the first signs of being un-grounded - felt as our energy crowding around our stomachs, chest, and face. When we are un-grounded we feel flighty, scattered, un-focused, and, again, anxious. We use words and phrases such as "off-kilter", "scattered", "knocked off my square", "taken by surprise." So, what do we do?

Learning to recognize when our energies have become scattered allows us to intervene with various grounding techniques and help us cope and "bring ourselves back down." However, waiting to address the issue once it has peaked takes significantly more energy than addressing it before it happens. Before we can prophylacticly ground our energy we need to know our triggers - the things that un-ground us. This is done with simple observation or awareness. Reflect back on times you felt most anxious or scattered. Which type of situations jump out to you - a meeting with the boss, sleeping in the house alone, visiting the in-laws? The list of possibilities are infinite and as individual as we are. 

For me, I can easily become scattered and un-grounded while shopping, especially during busy times of the day or year. My prophylactic grounding techniques include carrying a variety of stones, dabbing essential oils on my wrists and ankles, or dropping Bach Flower Essences under my tongue. The first thing I do before leaving is check-in with my energy and know my limits for that day - can I visit four to five stores or do I need get in and get out with just a couple? I will also give myself physical energy by eating a small snack such as a protein bar, earthy vegetables, or handful of nuts. I try to never go into a situation that is likely to scatter my energy without some food in my body; eating is a common way of grounding and mindfulness if often needed to not over-indulge. If I found myself feeling anxious despite my best efforts, I take a deep breath and feel my feet on the ground. I ask the Earth to ground me into it's center and imagine a beautiful gold cord from my root chakra traveling down to the deepest parts of the earth, exhale, and carry on. If no specific moments come to you right now, be aware this next week or so and take note of your surroundings and thoughts the next time you find yourself feeling anything less solid and focused. 

Taking just a moment of mindfulness and giving ourselves what we need can bring us back to center rather quickly. Maybe we need to step outside, or say something we've been holding back. It could be that we need to sit on a bench in the mall beside the water fountain while someone else looks around or excuse ourselves from a conversation. The Earth grounds us, often referred to as Mother Earth, she gives us all our basic needs - food, shelter, oxygen, and water - an endless supply of nurturing and support. She is always happy to connect and nourish us. In return, we could pick up that piece of trash blowing across the parking lot or decline a bag for our items we could carry easily - two simple examples among hundreds we could use to help take care of the source that takes care of us every day. 

Arrival

It's surreal. I have laid my wet face on floors similar to these at various times in my life with emotions ranging from exasperation to liberation. I have walked on them nervous with fear, cocky with confidence, and danced with every space in between. There is no defeat without a decision to quit. It's still empty, but already pulls at me to seek solace in it's walls, as I have for the last decade. Nothing has brought me closer to facing my rawest self like moments spent here. The gym is my sanctuary, my retreat - a doorway to my simplest self.

It all started 9 years ago with one simple question, why was I overweight? The answers that came literally changed my life. This space has been a dream of mine for the last 5 years and to see it manifest is deeply humbling and stirs the greatest sense of gratitude within me. The last two years have been spent gathering the pieces of my life back and reconnecting my sense of self, all while building a life with a woman who truly brings out the best in me. I hope and pray I do the same for her. Being here, in this moment, in this space, I find myself emotional, empowered, & inspired - like so many of those who led me here. This is part of who I am. And I am better for it.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Let Me See Your Bones

I left my new hypnotherapist's office today in sunshine and a light jacket. It was beautiful. I had just given her a synopsis of my life starting with the now, my current desire to heal an unhealthy relationship with food as to not pass it on to my children, and in doing so, hoping to release myself of some underlying negative emotions and anxieties. Maybe it's the other way around, either way, it was were I started. I admitted to being cognizant of the potentiality of unknown things coming from under the 65 extra pounds I started collecting in 2012. Leaning back into the last 5 years I filled her in on my move to Saint Johns, and where I was physically, mentally, and  spiritually just before I embarked on that journey. I felt whole, solid, strong, balanced. I left feeling lost, depleted, & alone. I gave a her a reluctant summary of my relationship before my marriage, doing my best not to give away the teensy bit of bitterness and blame that creeps to the surface from time to time. My father, my Mother, my brother - all sprinkled about. My job, the move, my marriage touched on here and there. Sobriety - the catalyst ignited almost a decade ago, how could we not discus such a poignant part of my story? My arrival and my departure from those tables; we touched on that for a bit. After sobriety came the end of the smoking, then the beginning of the weight loss. Then back to adolescence, again, what about your Father, your Mother, your brother? She jotted down my wife's name, my profession, my kids name. Her pencil continued to pen. A decades worth of tools I had gathered for grounding, clearing, healing, releasing, overcoming - they all seemed to make her list.

I left feeling utterly grateful; I left feeling utterly free. I was grateful to be here, at this point in my life when I could share all of this, and keep moving gracefully forward. Love filled my heart as I thought of the people I had known along this path that has been my amazing & beautiful life. Because those are the moments I choose to define my life - those of overcoming, of grace, of healing. I drove the on-ramp heading west and felt a handful of other emotions wash through me like a bucket of holy water cascading down my insides. Not necessarily because of anything she or I had said, or anything in particular that had happened, but a divinely timed opening. I had been willing. I had been open. At some point over the last 2 years I had managed to release enough of the guilt, anger, and blame to walk a little lighter and a little more receptive.

We have all made mistakes and wondered how we got wherever we go, why we chose what we chose, and why we didn't change it sooner. It's easy to be angry at ourselves and other people, but that anger keeps us stuck. Our lives truly go in the direction our mind goes, our thoughts are constantly creating future experiences.

Today, I felt I had my life back. It was unexpected, but welcomed with open arms.

With Grace & Gratitude...