Going at it Alone - Being My Own Trainer

There comes a time when the road your traveling must be traveled alone. I have known for some time that I posses the knowledge base and motivation to create and carry out my own fitness program. Yet, I have let fear and insecurity hold me back. All the what if's and maybe later's have stalled my progress, squelched my personal power, and aided me in standing stagnant in confusion and self-pity. Over the last nine years, I've paid thousands of dollars in gym fees and siphoned through 7 trainers. It took every bit of five years to let it all go and trust myself. To my left is our home gym complete with black rubber tile floors, my two favorite cardio machines, two barbells, 350lbs of plates, a squat rack, and a handful of ancillary equipment - dumbells, wallballs, kettlebells. It's surreal. The gym became part of who I was years ago when sobriety, self-awareness, and good health became a priority. I found myself on those black tile floors, panting, face down with sweat collecting before my very eyes reflecting back to me the hard work of the process. I just finished a workout I put together a few days ago. Logged and counted, I am here reflecting. It's fucking hard, but necessary - for me anyways. I have relied for a very long time on the motivation, inspiration, and creativity of others to give me specified results. This has not worked for me for at-least 3 years. It was not for lack of effort, ability, or support from those I asked to help me. I had to do something different. The voice of my soul has urged for sometime for me to reach deep within myself and find all those things I sought - motivation, inspiration, creativity. What worked before, didn't work again. Learning to let something go when it no longer fits or works has been the lesson here. A long, constant series of aggravating but not terribly painful road blocks. Surrender, not surprisingly, has become my last but only real option. I knew it was coming, but I fought, as I usually do and sought out new trainers, new programs, bitched and whined, felt sorry for myself, and refused to accept what I knew was the next step. Here. Relying on myself, but open to community. Both are one day at time successions, one stronger than the other at the moment. The process. It's always a process, and always about today with visions of tomorrow, no further.

With Grace & Gratitude...