"What is my belief about pain? What do I correlate pain with?
With ice on my ankle & apple in hand I asked myself this question, "What do I correlate pain with?" I do not shy away from pain. Those who know me would probably say I welcome it, I embrace it almost too much. So, what is my belief about pain that makes me so okay with experiencing it? Simple. Pain = strength, getting stronger, growth. Pain makes me stronger, on all levels. No painful experience has allowed me to come out unchanged. Even if crippling, it is temporary at best. My ankle hurts - I just ran 3.1 miles to the best of my ability today. What does this pain tell me? Not that I cannot do 3.1 miles, but that NEXT time my ankle will be better able to withstand that 3.1 miles. It's getting stronger.
"Whether it's true or not, what we believe to be true is what really matters."
Love & Light
Dottie
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Beliefs (To Be Continued)
I feel like every molecule in my body has yearned to write for three days.
Where do I start? My thoughts/questions/explorations about the characteristic of selfishness and how that plays itself out in my life? Beliefs about who I am, and who I choose to be? The dreams I had last night with murky water and and old house literally crumbling before my eyes? Or how about the joy I felt yesterday with all the birthday wishes & love flowing my way? But what about the feelings of frustration at my belief I'm having trouble meditating? There's defiantly some anger rising to the surface (and has been for a couple days) ALTHOUGH, it could simply be, that I'm hormonal; I'm due to start next week. I often accidentally overlook simplicity. The selfish thing seems to be pushing itself to the surface. Let me get my coffee....
I've just spent the last 30 minutes emailing, facebooking, and distracting myself from here. Partially NOT wanting to explore this because I know I posses a belief that I am incredibly selfish and typing that alone brings tears to my eyes. Whether or not it is true is ENTIRELY irrelevant. The important thing is whether or not I believe it to be true, and I do...
After typing that line, I spent another 10 minutes in distraction. A handful of instances have slowly brought selfishness into my awareness. The icing on the cake was a couple days ago when I was asked, "Do you swear on my life you won't tell anyone?" My response was, "Yes, I swear on my life I won't tell anyone." - I didn't realize I had said *I* as opposed to YOURS... I stopped and thought holy fuck, deep down I really do think it's always about me isn't it? I woke up at 4am that night and laid awake for an hour, with a slew of reasons I believed myself to be selfish, I knew this needed to be explored. BUT APPARENTLY... today is not the day. I just got back from another 15 minute distraction adventure... smh
Love & Light
Dottie
Where do I start? My thoughts/questions/explorations about the characteristic of selfishness and how that plays itself out in my life? Beliefs about who I am, and who I choose to be? The dreams I had last night with murky water and and old house literally crumbling before my eyes? Or how about the joy I felt yesterday with all the birthday wishes & love flowing my way? But what about the feelings of frustration at my belief I'm having trouble meditating? There's defiantly some anger rising to the surface (and has been for a couple days) ALTHOUGH, it could simply be, that I'm hormonal; I'm due to start next week. I often accidentally overlook simplicity. The selfish thing seems to be pushing itself to the surface. Let me get my coffee....
I've just spent the last 30 minutes emailing, facebooking, and distracting myself from here. Partially NOT wanting to explore this because I know I posses a belief that I am incredibly selfish and typing that alone brings tears to my eyes. Whether or not it is true is ENTIRELY irrelevant. The important thing is whether or not I believe it to be true, and I do...
After typing that line, I spent another 10 minutes in distraction. A handful of instances have slowly brought selfishness into my awareness. The icing on the cake was a couple days ago when I was asked, "Do you swear on my life you won't tell anyone?" My response was, "Yes, I swear on my life I won't tell anyone." - I didn't realize I had said *I* as opposed to YOURS... I stopped and thought holy fuck, deep down I really do think it's always about me isn't it? I woke up at 4am that night and laid awake for an hour, with a slew of reasons I believed myself to be selfish, I knew this needed to be explored. BUT APPARENTLY... today is not the day. I just got back from another 15 minute distraction adventure... smh
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, September 5, 2011
Email of Love and Only Love
An email to a friend in July of 2010
Hello lovely :)
My apologies for it taking so long to write you back. I've read what you've written a couple times and seem to be at a loss for words. I know what it's like to be on both ends of the spetrum of post breakup get togethers ya know. Like I've been the one that wanted the break up and I've been the one that didn't. When you trutly love someone I think we ALWAYS love that person. Who knows maybe this is one of those things were you've been together for so long and one person feels the need to go out on their own only to realize they weren't missing much and come back and it's happily ever after. I know for me to be able to be someone's friend and ONLY their friend I had to have a period of time where I didn't communicate with that person. Like I had to get my thoughts and feelings together. There's a book that keeps popping in my head called "Being in Love" by Osho. It's been so long since I've read it I'm not even sure exactly why it might help but it keeps popping up.
My opnion I think what you two share or did share was very divine and pure. That kind of Love just is. It doesn't go anywhere we can't take it, deny it, and it's not ours to give. It's just there. Few people get to expierence that, and even if this doesn't work out for the rest of ya'lls lives take the lesson's and the Love and go forward. What a gift to have been able to share it. How to move forward? Not sure... I've done many different things to "let go and move on" I've wwritten out the good of our relationship, the bad, what I learned, what gifts he brought, and gave thanks just before asking God to help me heal. Seems there was nothing *I* could do to "let go" ... I read something just the other day I would like to read to you. It's from Byron Katie'...
"I once spoke with a man who had been doing "the Work" for a while. His wife fell in love with another man, and instead of going into sadness and panic, he questioned his thinking. "She should stay with me --- is it true? I can't know that. How do I react when I believe the thought. Extremely upset. Who would I be without the thought? I would love her and just want the best for her." This man really wanted to know the truth. When he question his thinking, he found something extremely precious. "eventually," he said, "I was able to see it as something that should be happeneing because it was. And I was able to say to my wife, "tell me everything about it, as if I were your best girlfriend." She didn't have to censor any of it to protect me. It was amazing to hear about her experience. I felt so much joy for her. It was the most liberating experience I ever had." His wife moved in with the other man, and he was fine with that, because he didn't want her to stay if she didn't want to. A few months later, his wife hit a crisis point with her new lover and needed someone to talk to. She went ot her best friend, her husband. They calmly discussed her options. He really lovbed her and just wanted her to be clear about what she wanted. She decided to get a place of her own where she could work things out and eventually she went back to her husband. Through all this, whenever the man found himself mentally at war with what was happening, and experiencing pain or fear, he inquired into the thought he was believing at that moment, and returned to a calm and cheerful state of mind. He came to know for himself that the only possible problem he could have was only his own uninvestigated thinking. His wife gave him everything he needed for his own freedom."
I think sometimes we get so caught up in how we think we are "suppose" to react or feel in a certain situation we don't even realize we are ACTUALLY feeling something else entirely. I that is often where our confusion lies.... How do we think we SHOULD feel, and how do we REALLY feel? Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. If you want to call him, call him, if you don't feel like talking to him, don't. If you want to hug him, hug him. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to love him just because you can, because when we love someoen we are really the one that benefits the most, there's nothing like feeling love for someone totally and fully. He can't take what you feel for him away. So keep feeling it, and pray for the highest good of all concerned. :)
Feel free to email me right back. I hope you have an amazing day.
Love & Light
Dottie
P.S. So much for being at a "loss for words" :P
Hello lovely :)
My apologies for it taking so long to write you back. I've read what you've written a couple times and seem to be at a loss for words. I know what it's like to be on both ends of the spetrum of post breakup get togethers ya know. Like I've been the one that wanted the break up and I've been the one that didn't. When you trutly love someone I think we ALWAYS love that person. Who knows maybe this is one of those things were you've been together for so long and one person feels the need to go out on their own only to realize they weren't missing much and come back and it's happily ever after. I know for me to be able to be someone's friend and ONLY their friend I had to have a period of time where I didn't communicate with that person. Like I had to get my thoughts and feelings together. There's a book that keeps popping in my head called "Being in Love" by Osho. It's been so long since I've read it I'm not even sure exactly why it might help but it keeps popping up.
My opnion I think what you two share or did share was very divine and pure. That kind of Love just is. It doesn't go anywhere we can't take it, deny it, and it's not ours to give. It's just there. Few people get to expierence that, and even if this doesn't work out for the rest of ya'lls lives take the lesson's and the Love and go forward. What a gift to have been able to share it. How to move forward? Not sure... I've done many different things to "let go and move on" I've wwritten out the good of our relationship, the bad, what I learned, what gifts he brought, and gave thanks just before asking God to help me heal. Seems there was nothing *I* could do to "let go" ... I read something just the other day I would like to read to you. It's from Byron Katie'...
"I once spoke with a man who had been doing "the Work" for a while. His wife fell in love with another man, and instead of going into sadness and panic, he questioned his thinking. "She should stay with me --- is it true? I can't know that. How do I react when I believe the thought. Extremely upset. Who would I be without the thought? I would love her and just want the best for her." This man really wanted to know the truth. When he question his thinking, he found something extremely precious. "eventually," he said, "I was able to see it as something that should be happeneing because it was. And I was able to say to my wife, "tell me everything about it, as if I were your best girlfriend." She didn't have to censor any of it to protect me. It was amazing to hear about her experience. I felt so much joy for her. It was the most liberating experience I ever had." His wife moved in with the other man, and he was fine with that, because he didn't want her to stay if she didn't want to. A few months later, his wife hit a crisis point with her new lover and needed someone to talk to. She went ot her best friend, her husband. They calmly discussed her options. He really lovbed her and just wanted her to be clear about what she wanted. She decided to get a place of her own where she could work things out and eventually she went back to her husband. Through all this, whenever the man found himself mentally at war with what was happening, and experiencing pain or fear, he inquired into the thought he was believing at that moment, and returned to a calm and cheerful state of mind. He came to know for himself that the only possible problem he could have was only his own uninvestigated thinking. His wife gave him everything he needed for his own freedom."
I think sometimes we get so caught up in how we think we are "suppose" to react or feel in a certain situation we don't even realize we are ACTUALLY feeling something else entirely. I that is often where our confusion lies.... How do we think we SHOULD feel, and how do we REALLY feel? Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. If you want to call him, call him, if you don't feel like talking to him, don't. If you want to hug him, hug him. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to love him just because you can, because when we love someoen we are really the one that benefits the most, there's nothing like feeling love for someone totally and fully. He can't take what you feel for him away. So keep feeling it, and pray for the highest good of all concerned. :)
Feel free to email me right back. I hope you have an amazing day.
Love & Light
Dottie
P.S. So much for being at a "loss for words" :P
Rich Awareness
"It was then that I learned to let go, it is now I truly believe" a painting called awakening that is now hanging above my bed.
"Peoples forced reflection by the suffering of loss"
It is one thing to have a goal. It's okay to have goals and dreams, but it's the understanding and acceptance from the moment that goal is created that it may or may not happen.
"Today seemed chocked full of lessons, signs, answers and bits of guidance if we were aware enough to catch it..." My text to J... her response... "Ditto."
The song I cannot currently get enough of, Ryan Starr's "We might fall"
"We know what we are, but not what we may be..." The ring I bought today which I absolutely LOVE.
The realization on my way home that for the first time, J and I may or may not work. I don't know, it's okay not to know. Be honest with myself about what I want, I want to be with her, but you know what... it may or may not happen and that's okay.
"And if you didn't know you hurt your momma's feelings she's been crying." - a message from my cousin. I do know, am I responsible for her feelings? She's not willing to talk about them, and leaving was what truly felt best for me to do, there is no regret or shame. I would have rather spent the day here, with J at the art fair. This was were I was suppose to be, I'm sure of it, otherwise... I wouldn't have been here.
Control came up a few times... then my thoughts where, if I believe I have control issues and affirm that wihtout taking action or also viewing a resolution or healing in progress, I will only amplify them.
Symbolism. Parallel's. Love. Healing. Passion. Honesty. Awareness. Sharing.
"If the Buddha got stuck" is rocking my world right now.
Today was rich. It's time to sleep and allow it all to sink in to the very core of my being, beyond and without the filter of my conscious mind....
Love & Light
Dottie
"Peoples forced reflection by the suffering of loss"
It is one thing to have a goal. It's okay to have goals and dreams, but it's the understanding and acceptance from the moment that goal is created that it may or may not happen.
"Today seemed chocked full of lessons, signs, answers and bits of guidance if we were aware enough to catch it..." My text to J... her response... "Ditto."
The song I cannot currently get enough of, Ryan Starr's "We might fall"
"We know what we are, but not what we may be..." The ring I bought today which I absolutely LOVE.
The realization on my way home that for the first time, J and I may or may not work. I don't know, it's okay not to know. Be honest with myself about what I want, I want to be with her, but you know what... it may or may not happen and that's okay.
"And if you didn't know you hurt your momma's feelings she's been crying." - a message from my cousin. I do know, am I responsible for her feelings? She's not willing to talk about them, and leaving was what truly felt best for me to do, there is no regret or shame. I would have rather spent the day here, with J at the art fair. This was were I was suppose to be, I'm sure of it, otherwise... I wouldn't have been here.
Control came up a few times... then my thoughts where, if I believe I have control issues and affirm that wihtout taking action or also viewing a resolution or healing in progress, I will only amplify them.
Symbolism. Parallel's. Love. Healing. Passion. Honesty. Awareness. Sharing.
"If the Buddha got stuck" is rocking my world right now.
Today was rich. It's time to sleep and allow it all to sink in to the very core of my being, beyond and without the filter of my conscious mind....
Love & Light
Dottie
Thursday, September 1, 2011
The Decision
I'm so happy & relieved right now I can't stop smiling. I finally made the decision to go home tomorrow. I'm going through with my plans to go to Huntsville to see my Dad and Katie, and then leaving from there and heading back to MI to an empty house. The mere thought of that allows a sense of peace to swell and take over my entire being. FINALLY, is the only thought that comes to mind. Me time; time to regroup & reflect. To be with this transition stage of my life. Since roughly the 5th of August my life has been in GO mode. Between adjusting my life to make room for a new relationship, cramming in last minute conicals, preparing for graduation, and studying for Kaplan & Med Surg all while doing my best to maintain some sort of balance... I've yet to feel the excitement and relief of graduating because I've not stopped going. The family coming in added stress, then coming down sooner than I wanted too didn't help. What i wanted to do was take a couple days to re-group, do some yoga, work out, and get my NCLEX shit sent off, but instead I felt obligated to keep my word that I would come down on Sunday. I'm so ready to go home. I don't mind change, I welcome it although I have my fear moments, and have to consciously come back to myself & my body to center and reground myself.
I spent the first few days crying, angry, and not accepting things as they were. I wanted to be home, I wanted my mother to not be in pain, and my brother to get more out of life; mixed with a thousand other things like not sleeping with 3 tv's going, having starbucks less than an hour away, or not having a clue where my phone charger was blah, blah, blah. Being around all the smoke and noise was reeking havoc on my energy level & serenity. I see so much pain, suffering, and addict/co-dependent tendencies here it terrifies me. Where does the fear come from? What scares me about it? That I may get sucked back in. That these habits will only lead to more suffering for people I love so dearly and there is nothing I can do about it. I understand that. So why expose myself to something so painful? I described it as watching a baby die from cancer. That's how I felt. Like I was helpless, powerless, & my presence was merely another energy source for anger and fear to bread. I didn't want to fuel this fire, and I wanted out. I kept saying, "I feel like I'm running from something" which usually prompts me to sit with it, feel it, stand strong and dig deep. What are these feelings trying to tell me? Then I was told that sometimes when we become aware we are not strong enough at that moment, in that situation it's okay to honor ourselves enough to walk away, not run, but walk. Walk with confidence & Love. This statment solidfied my thoughts I've been having over the last several months abotu discernment and how sometimes we ARE suppose to stand strong, sit with it, feel it, and intiate change... other times it's about surrender, acceptance, and letting go.
I'm so grateful for the growth I have experienced because when these emotions hit like an MMA fighter punching me in the chest I sought refuge in my spirituality & nature. To say I did not have thoughts of indulging in old/self sabotaging behaviors would be a lie, I had them, but they were fleeting. Knowing, when I was done I'd be right back here,but with more shit to sift through. Instead, I reached out for help from ppl I knew would only pour Love into this situation. Not fear, not blame, not anger. Just love and reassurance that it's okay, this isn't where I belong anymore, and this isn't who I am, and really it's okay. It's okay to feel sadness when suffering is present, it doesn't have to become you or consume you. It's okay to be felt. There have been so many little tid bits of spirituality pop up at the most appropriate times, helping me to sink deeper into the acceptance of my desires, fears, and reality as it was. Gentle reminders that if I can't remain true to myself in choosing not to indulge in gossip or blame it's okay to walk away. It has been my practice to not relate to people in affirming pain, loss, scarcity, etc. It has been my practice to relate to them in life affirming conversations about their strengths, choices, growth, deep life changing conversations of allowing what doesn't work to surface and move on. < This is the life I've chosen to live.
I do feel there could be more acceptance on my part of the life they have chosen to live. Reaching for outward solutions to inward problems, becoming accustomed to struggle and sacrifice. Denial, excuses, rationalizing. It's so strong it makes me want to vomit. Like the very energy itself is toxic to who I am. Fight or flight kicks in without thought. Then somewhere, underneath it all, something reminds me to breathe. That's it. It's that simple I breathe. Re-connect with who I am, and not with who I was or with their beliefs of fear, struggle, and scarcity. Beliefs that they never have enough of anything, everything is painful physically & mentally, and this is all there is. I know differently, but that's where the denial, excuses, and rationalizing come in. But this is the life they have chosen to live, who am I to ask for acceptance of my life if I cannot grant acceptance of theirs? So what does that mean? It means surrendering, letting go of expectations and desires despite how "good" I think they are for them. If they are totally unaware of thier own pain and suffering and truly believe they are happy, who am I to bring some shit to the surface ripping apart what happiness they DO have? Not everyone wants to live a life of self-discovery. Some are totally happy where they are, kudos to them. That within itself is a beautiful lesson for me.
"We must learn to transcend our own views." < a statement I read this week from "If the buddha got stuck." I've spent the last few days stirring up that metaphorically bucket. That five gallon bucket of water with mudd caked on the bottom. While digging deep and cleaning out that mudd, the water is going to get a little dirty. It's going to temporarily cloud some things, and require some patience on my part for it to resettle. But when it does, there will be less muck, I will be more clear, and there will be more room for new.
Love & Light,
Dottie
I spent the first few days crying, angry, and not accepting things as they were. I wanted to be home, I wanted my mother to not be in pain, and my brother to get more out of life; mixed with a thousand other things like not sleeping with 3 tv's going, having starbucks less than an hour away, or not having a clue where my phone charger was blah, blah, blah. Being around all the smoke and noise was reeking havoc on my energy level & serenity. I see so much pain, suffering, and addict/co-dependent tendencies here it terrifies me. Where does the fear come from? What scares me about it? That I may get sucked back in. That these habits will only lead to more suffering for people I love so dearly and there is nothing I can do about it. I understand that. So why expose myself to something so painful? I described it as watching a baby die from cancer. That's how I felt. Like I was helpless, powerless, & my presence was merely another energy source for anger and fear to bread. I didn't want to fuel this fire, and I wanted out. I kept saying, "I feel like I'm running from something" which usually prompts me to sit with it, feel it, stand strong and dig deep. What are these feelings trying to tell me? Then I was told that sometimes when we become aware we are not strong enough at that moment, in that situation it's okay to honor ourselves enough to walk away, not run, but walk. Walk with confidence & Love. This statment solidfied my thoughts I've been having over the last several months abotu discernment and how sometimes we ARE suppose to stand strong, sit with it, feel it, and intiate change... other times it's about surrender, acceptance, and letting go.
I'm so grateful for the growth I have experienced because when these emotions hit like an MMA fighter punching me in the chest I sought refuge in my spirituality & nature. To say I did not have thoughts of indulging in old/self sabotaging behaviors would be a lie, I had them, but they were fleeting. Knowing, when I was done I'd be right back here,but with more shit to sift through. Instead, I reached out for help from ppl I knew would only pour Love into this situation. Not fear, not blame, not anger. Just love and reassurance that it's okay, this isn't where I belong anymore, and this isn't who I am, and really it's okay. It's okay to feel sadness when suffering is present, it doesn't have to become you or consume you. It's okay to be felt. There have been so many little tid bits of spirituality pop up at the most appropriate times, helping me to sink deeper into the acceptance of my desires, fears, and reality as it was. Gentle reminders that if I can't remain true to myself in choosing not to indulge in gossip or blame it's okay to walk away. It has been my practice to not relate to people in affirming pain, loss, scarcity, etc. It has been my practice to relate to them in life affirming conversations about their strengths, choices, growth, deep life changing conversations of allowing what doesn't work to surface and move on. < This is the life I've chosen to live.
I do feel there could be more acceptance on my part of the life they have chosen to live. Reaching for outward solutions to inward problems, becoming accustomed to struggle and sacrifice. Denial, excuses, rationalizing. It's so strong it makes me want to vomit. Like the very energy itself is toxic to who I am. Fight or flight kicks in without thought. Then somewhere, underneath it all, something reminds me to breathe. That's it. It's that simple I breathe. Re-connect with who I am, and not with who I was or with their beliefs of fear, struggle, and scarcity. Beliefs that they never have enough of anything, everything is painful physically & mentally, and this is all there is. I know differently, but that's where the denial, excuses, and rationalizing come in. But this is the life they have chosen to live, who am I to ask for acceptance of my life if I cannot grant acceptance of theirs? So what does that mean? It means surrendering, letting go of expectations and desires despite how "good" I think they are for them. If they are totally unaware of thier own pain and suffering and truly believe they are happy, who am I to bring some shit to the surface ripping apart what happiness they DO have? Not everyone wants to live a life of self-discovery. Some are totally happy where they are, kudos to them. That within itself is a beautiful lesson for me.
"We must learn to transcend our own views." < a statement I read this week from "If the buddha got stuck." I've spent the last few days stirring up that metaphorically bucket. That five gallon bucket of water with mudd caked on the bottom. While digging deep and cleaning out that mudd, the water is going to get a little dirty. It's going to temporarily cloud some things, and require some patience on my part for it to resettle. But when it does, there will be less muck, I will be more clear, and there will be more room for new.
Love & Light,
Dottie
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