Love & Punishment

 "Maybe if we are surrounded in beauty, someday we will become what we see..." - Jewel

That is a quote from the first song I ever played on repeat. It was track 9 on Jewel's Pieces of Me album. I listened to it here in my office on Alexa the other day, It still made as much sense now as it did then. I am sensitive. I've always been sensitive, and I've spent my life trying to stay that way. I'm in a period of softness, sensitivity, and nurturing. I reflected on my last nursing shift in Detroit in May of 2021, before I had even left the city, I knew it had softened me. Just as Detroit had built and strengthened me in those first few years after moving to Michigan, it had softened me exactly 10 years later. Ten years prior was the height of my single-person personal growth. Having gone through a spiritual experience, or several, and being intentional about  everything in my life... I felt I had healed. And I did. I had healed and become at peace with everything in my life up until that point. I felt safe in the world, I felt confident - fluid, free, balanced, strong, fierce, and ready to take on the world. 10 years later I found myself in the life I had always envisioned but faced with a new set of obstacles - the mirror that comes with intimate relationships and parenting. I've come to call it round 2 of self-discovery and self-healing. The round where the Universe gives us a chance to put to use all that we have learned about ourselves, deepen that and create new beginnings for those that will come after us. 

I will not be mad at myself anymore for how I chose to handle the navigation of these obstacles, of which I had never seen. I will give myself grace for showing up, for moving through, and trusting the process. I look at life a bit differently now. I suppose 10 years, 2 serious relationships, 2 kids, 2 houses, a career change, and the loss of a parent will do that to you. My body has been in pain since I finished that last nursing shift in May of 2021. The softness I felt came from a surrender into the exhaustion of my internal and external being. I had reached the limits of my self on all levels. A limit I didn't know existed. I was humbled. Working 2 full time jobs, one part time job, traveling/commuting 2 hours, having a 1.5 year old, a 7 year old, and navigating a rocky spot in my marriage - I was tired. In hindsight, I've asked myself, why was I punishing myself? This morning, actually, I pondered on why I did that to myself. At the time, I said it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. If I could just complete that 12 weeks - I would bring home upwards of $40,000 in 3 months. I walked in with the mentality that I could do anything for 12 weeks - we could do anything for 12 weeks. I did it alright. I did it while getting covid, working on minimal sleep, stress of working in an emergency department after not being a nurse for a year, my Mother dying, and a go-kart accident resulting in breaking my daughter's arm. 

What the fuck was I thinking? 

I think I was punishing myself for the illusion of being selfish for starting my own businesses and a new career, and all the risks that came along with that. I think I was also punishing myself for writing that email. It was, as if, I had to punish myself 10x over before I could forgive myself even of the smallest slights. My pre-disposition to feeling guilt ran deep and swift. Even in my healthiest era of my life, I punished myself. In the early 2010's the gym was my sanctuary of self-induced suffering, and I drank it up. I idolized my ability to handle the most ridiculous stressors and do so with a smile and wanting more. Spring of 2021 my body and mind said no more. I had found my limit, and I've been recovering ever since. My marriage has been recovering ever since. 

But why was I punishing myself? 

The best answer I can come up with right now is because I have associated love with punishment as long as I can remember. I literally just thought of that sitting in this chair in this moment as a wave of absolute truth and understanding washed over my body. Memories surfaced of my father taking off his leather belt, folding it in half, and asking me to bend over so he could hit me hard enough to take my breath away and leave me alone on the couch until I stopped crying. Over what? Me dropping a barbie behind his stereo, me falling off the porch and causing abrasions on the back of my entire thighs, him having an unsupported belief that I was lying despite my attempts at proving my innocence, or because it was Tuesday and he was drunk. I have vivid pictures of me sitting on the couch trying not to throw up as I attempted to choke down uncontrollable tears. God knows I didn't want "anything else to cry about" and relive that whole fucking experience. Just before he hit me, repeatedly, he would remind me that he was doing this because he loved me and wanted me to verbalize that I understood that. I was 7 years old. 

On a side note: This is also why I don't want to hit my kids. Because no, we didn't all turn out fine. It takes conscious work for me to seek out a different alternative than spanking my kids. It takes work for me to not set unrealistic expectations of my children and punish them when they don't meet those expectations. It takes work for me to remain conscious while reels of my own childhood roar in the back of my brain telling me to implement power and control over listening and nurturing, but I will do this work until I don't have to do it anymore. My kids will be better for it, and I will be better for it. 

I'd like to think I'm leveling up yet again - round three, the time I embrace not punishing myself for failing to meet my own un-realistic expectations as a partner and parent. A time to truly love myself unconditionally without abuse or suffering. A time of acceptance and trust. 

With Grace & Gratitude... 

Big Picture Viewing

 "Let go of your body, let go of the blame."

I heard that this morning as I was walking to the bathroom after my alarm. I'm always fascinated with how the Universe orchestrates things to work on those lower vibrating aspects of ourselves. Those parts of us that slow us down and keep us from our true hearts desire and our highest path. 

My career in real estate has challenged the most stubborn parts of myself - procrastination, negotiating without me ultimately telling people to go fuck themselves, patience, following through, putting myself out there for rejection, my tendency to find someone or something to blame for why things happen, letting go in general, and I'm sure there is more. These are just the ones I'm dealing with this morning. It illuminates those deeper, real-human aspects of myself that are quite easy to forget about when I'm zen-ing out in my BYLC office with essential oils in my reiki zone. 

Often people ask me, why real estate? My answer is always - it sounded fun, I always wanted to do it. I was tired of nursing. If  I'm really honest, though, subconsciously it was to help me grow as a person, just as every other experience in our life is meant to do. Big picture viewing is like riding up in a hot air balloon (which is ironically the RE/MAX mascot) - it feels difficult and scary on the way up, but once we're at the top everything looks and feels quiet and peaceful. We're reminded of our smallness and how our piece of the puzzle touches so many other pieces. Big picture viewing feels whole. It invokes a sense of trust, surrender, and peace. At-least for me it does. 

It's been 45 minutes since I stood in the middle of Walgreens trying my best not to scream "FUCK!" with my eyebrow pencil and deodorant tucked under my arm. 

I wanted to blame myself. I wanted to feel sorry for myself and remind myself of all the ways I fail the people I care about with total disregard to whether that is actually true or not. I wanted to apologize profusely and panic. Instead, I decided reflect on my recent reading of Jen Sincero's, "You Are a Badass" and figure out what I actions I could take right now. So, I cancelled yoga (and had to release ill feelings about that, too) and came home to talk to my buyers and re-write this damn contract. 

The truth is, I believe everything works out just as it is suppose to. I also believe there is always good good in every situation. I don't know if those are universal truths or true for me because I believe it to be so. Either way it doesn't matter. I'm grateful for this moment and the fact that I'm sitting here in a much better headspace than I was, now, 75 minutes ago without ruminating about what I could have done differently or being angry at myself for things that could have quite possibly been entirely out of my control anyways. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Reflections on Food, Family, & Mother's Day

I don't know or which event in the last 3 years began the disintegration of my sense of self, but it happened. 

I have begun the process of rebuilding myself. I guess I thought that only happened once in your life. Apparently, I was wrong. I have come to the conclusion that that must be atleast 3 levels of healing our traumas. One when we're single and can deal with the most obvious and step in into the unknown abyss that is finding yourself with minimal collateral damage. Which is absolutely petrifying by the way. Then again when we are coupled with our life partner and they stand in front of us reflecting back all the parts we missed. There is safety in that relationship, but also real risk of hurting that person and having to walk back through the trauma you caused while working through that shit you missed. Then kids... the fucking kids come and we are brought back to our earliest and deepest origination of our traumas to figure out what we are passing on and what we are not. 

At-least this is how it was for me.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table drinking coffee with an open laptop screen in front of me backdropped with calilily flowers and a large open living room window. I can hear PJ masks playing above me in the loft while my wife sleeps, and I breathe in deep gratitude for having these string of moments right now. I dose fear with faith that I will get all the time I need today. Typing this helps bring me back to the present.

It's almost Mother's Day - the one year anniversary of my Mother's death, and, naturally, I've thought about her a lot. My intention is to feel those feelings, send love and gratitude for her life and mine, and forgive myself if any guilt or resentments still linger. That feels easier to talk about than what is really on the forefront of my mind...I have used food as a coping mechanism for years and years. It boils down to feeling safe in the world and within myself. It boils down to honoring my desires, wants, and needs. It boils down to loving myself exactly as I am wherever I am, forgiving myself along the way, and not concern myself with the judgements, thoughts, or opinions of people that I don't directly effect in my life. My wife and my kids are the most important people to me in the world. I worry about them all the time - their wellbeing, their safety, their happiness, their basic needs of food, water, and emotional comfort. I'm tearing up writing this. There is a part of me that is so fierce and protective that I think I eat to quiet that down before the world deems me a psycho because I jumped some bitch in the parking lot because her kid talk shit about mine's ponytail in gym last week. But is that because no one ever did that for me? Because I felt safe so infrequently, that I've subconsciously made it my life's mission to make them feel safe at all costs. I'd rather them feel smothered and annoyed by my constant conversation about feelings, drinking water, or taking up and speaking up for themselves than feel scared or unheard at home. Insert covid, custody court, Adelynne starting 1st grade, and Bexley being born.... I just thought about when my Mother lived here and how she would come and get Adelynne off the bus some days for us, take her for ice cream, or play card games with her. Memories that bring tears of joy. Then I remember how I would sometimes interfere with that - tell Mom she didn't need ice cream or catch Adelynne cheating at the card game and tell her she couldn't play anymore. I catch myself wishing I would have been better or done more Mom while she was here - this is one of those moments where I find gratitude for the time she was here and ask for forgiveness for my shortcomings, and let that feeling move through me. 

This time of reflection seems to be wrapping up. PJ Masks isn't nearly as interesting as it was half hour ago, and I don't know how long this singular matching game will hold back the toddler attention threshold. 

I was guided today to list 10 things I am grateful for today: 1) this time I had to reflect and my willingness to take it. 2) The new moon today and the 11:11 I just saw on the stove. 3) Being able to ease into my Saturday. 4) 50 degree weather. 5) Taking a walk this morning. 6) My meetings w/ Emily. 7) My marriage getting through a really rough patch better than it was before. 8) Not having to buy a house in this market. 9) Have a pool and room to enjoy it. 10) Being on a real-estate team. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

When Yoga Makes You Angry

"I will not give up... I will stay in this fire...until I am free."

      Yoga isn't always about pretty music, thin bodies, and feelings of peace and euphoria. You don't always flow through each pose with grace and go deeper into a sea of bliss with each movement. Sometimes yoga makes you angry. Angry to the point you want to kick your yoga block, tell the teacher to go fuck herself and leave. Leave your mat where it lay, you can buy another, you've got to GO. Sometimes it's a slow and gradual resistance, other times you're fine until in their softest, most zen voice they utter the one pose that you...just... hate. The pose that requires you to muster every ounce of maturity you have to even attempt it, to even look like you're attempting it.  This happens because there is anger to be felt and anger to be released. It's hiding somewhere within your system unbeknownst to you but becomes a little more apparent with each breath, each subtle movement, and each moment of stillness.

       The yoga studio I frequent has a photo-copied 8x10 paper of a plain black bird in flight with a pale yellow background. There are three of them actually and below each bird is a few words of the sentence. "I will not give up...I will stay in this fire...until I am free." And that's exactly what it is... a fire. A angry burning sensation that seems to come from nowhere, as if your forward fold or dragon pose busted something loose. A fire that erupts from places that seem to have no foundation, no bedrock. No point of reference. Until I am free. Our initial reaction is ALWAYS to retreat, to withdraw quickly and with seemingly good reason. It cannot be good for us if it feels so unpleasant. The mind begins to chatter and race. But this is where you stay. Breathe and watch the mind. What is it showing you? Who is it showing you? What words are you hearing? Are you remembering something someone told you 5 years ago? Are you being taken back to that fight with your significant other from a few days ago? What do you FEEL? Other than the fire, other than the acute desire to flee? Pay attention and breathe. This is the key. Watch it like a movie, stay with it until you are free. Because you are halfway there and if you leave now you leave with the anger only halfway through it's conquest to be released. You leave that anger in your heart, in your mind, in your way... again. Leaving now you leave that anger open to stir up its mate in someone else. So stay with it. Stay with it as it burns itself up in the fire in which it was created; stay with it until you are free.

With Grace & Gratitude

Letting It All Go

It's much more difficult to push someone out of your life because of who they are, than what they've done.

It's as if you don't really have a reason. It's more personal. There is no anger. It's just truth. It's a slow and painful realization that they are not healthy for you. And out of love for yourself, you choose to walk away, pull away, or create a wall between you and them. And that's okay. We stick with people out of love for them. But what about love of ourselves? It is not selfish. I would be in the same fucking place I was 10 years ago or worse had I not chosen to be "selfish" and love myself.

I respect people. I support who they are and the choices they make. I honor boundaries and wishes. Because I desire the same. I expect the same. And if someone cannot do that for me, I choose to not have them in my life. Good intentions mean so little compared to action. I do not pay for people's poor choices. I do not enable unhealthy behaviors. Being of blood relation DOES NOT give you a free pass to hurt me or inhibit my growth in a positive direction.

I surround myself with people who respect others. Who focus to raise them up, empower them, support them. To give them the freedom to become who they are, to allow them follow their own path. I choose to surround myself with people who strive to become better, who ask themselves the hard questions. People who overcome adversities. Who invite humility and grace. Who accept help as only a temporary tool to get themselves to a greater goal. THESE are the people I want in my life. These are the characteristics I have embodied, and put forth in the world to help empower all people, Not just friends, family, or people I know. But everyone.

I believe helping and empowering people are two different things. And there is beauty in allowing someone to hit rock bottom. Sometimes it is there where their answer lies. Sometimes it is at the bottom, in their created darkness they become willing to see things differently. It often allows them to see their own strength, to find their fight, their humility, their connection to something greater. It is ALWAYS our choice to remain where we are or move forward. I believe in allowing people take themselves to this place.. But also believe in not letting them take me there, too.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Coming Together

There are those moments when it all starts coming together. When the links become apparent, and the lessons more intense. When it seems like every time you turn around its another opportunity from the universe to step forward or remain where you are. By this point, it's tiring. My stomach hurts. Briefly, I want to cry. I want to hang my head and say I can't take on anymore. But then something reminds me I asked for this. I ask for help from the universe to learn to create stronger boundaries, to voice myself. I asked for help with my fears with money, with my feelings of never having enough. I asked for help with my compulsive overeating, and my relationship with my mother. And all I've gotten for the past week are huge validations on how they are all connected. The smoke is clearing. How my feelings of not having enough may have been taken on from my mother & created by her years ago, which manifests physically through my making good money but running out before next payday. I overeat in subconscious attempts to nurture myself, to fuel myself because my "love tank" is full. You know when something holds some truth for you? When you can't stop thinking about it. When the phrases bounces around in your head, refusing to go anywhere until you take it in your hands and sit with it for a moment, a few moments. Long enough to understand it. Wait... That's interesting, I just typed "love tank is full" when what I meant to say was empty, I meant to say my over-eating and money habits could suggest that I may feel my "love tank" is empty. A Freudian slip maybe. Let somebody love you. That has also been bouncing around in my head. Insinuating that  I have difficulty allowing someone to love me. That I struggle accepting the kind of love that wants nothing from you. I feel confused and tired. A bit fatigued. Like the last 1/3 of a workout or race when you are past the utter exhaustion phase, you're in the euphoric phase. Where the endorphins have kicked in to get you passed the finish line. Where you are too close to give up. Where the drive to finish is significantly more than the desire to quit, only it doesn't feel like desire it all. You're just ready to get it done. You've surrendered any fight because you know whining and complaining isn't going to get you there any faster. You just take a breath, keep your eyes forward and let your body take you where your soul needs to go. I'll take that.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Sweetness

I'm a much more productive human being when I'm not on Facebook.

And when I say "not on Facebook" I mean... not even signed up, not even having an active profile. There's something about Facebook that distracts me from life. From myself, from things I need to cultivate within myself. I deactivated my account months ago and didn't look back until I realized that I still loved to blog, and Facebook happened to be my biggest fan. Where else was I going to post them?

I've spent the majority of my life looking for answers to the hard questions. The questions that may not have an answer. I've spent the last 6+ years searching for my own answers. Digging deep within my own psyche and cleaning out muck that had accumulated from all the years before. People are fascinating. I'm fascinating. I consider myself lucky to have this insatiable appetite to figure myself out, to grow, and evolve. I also consider myself lucky to have been part of so many others' similar journey. One of the big things I've learned is that we often subconsciously avoid our issues. Wonder why people show up in our lives when they do? Or do the things they do? Because people are mirrors. Always, constantly offering you the opportunity to look at yourself. I've also learned that when just before it breaks, it hurts the worst. It truly does seem "darkest before the dawn." You feel as if you cannot take much more. Anger, anxiety, & the urge to give way to the same old thing and stop fighting for something new seems so sweet it makes your mouth water. It's an illusion of freedom. We mistake that giving up for surrender. We mistake giving in for standing still but strong. The freedom comes from breaking the old habits, and letting them lie where they may. Of not only breaking the metaphorical chains, but not carrying around the metaphorically cuffs either. I've spent my life using drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and even Facebook to distract myself from growth. We all do it. My goal over the last 6 years has simply been to become more conscious, and sometimes yes, I'm a little too deep for some, and sometimes the rabbit hole seems to open up and swallow me whole. Sometimes I'm too deep for myself. But it is these places I find the most amazing things about life, about people, & about myself.

Don't be afraid to ask yourself the hard questions. To be honest, and ask others to do the same. We are so afraid of what we would learn about ourselves if God forbid, we sat in some silence. If we asked ourselves, "What is this person I cannot stand reflecting to me about myself?" "Who am I when I'm not being productive?" "What does enough feel like?" What if for JUST A MOMENT we slowly, step by step removed any thoughts of the past along with any feelings of how it should or should not have been; then take a breath and release thoughts and anticipation of the future, and simply sit with ourselves. If we ask yourselves what would it feel like, if just for a moment, I completely and totally accept my life as it is without any kind of desire for it to be any different... what would that feel like? That my friends is the sweetness that should make your mouth water.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Inspired

"To the extent that the person you were will effect who you are; it already has."

If that doesn't make sense, which it may not... let me break it down for you. I told that to a very dear who had been sober for somewhere around 6 years, I think I little longer. Someone who also felt the draw to remove themselves from the traditional 12 step programs and live her life, taking what she learned and left. I can relate to that. The thing about her though, is she done the work. She did. Some people can be in that program for 15 years, and still never do the work, the real work. The work that is required to make a radical change in who you are and the life that you are living. They will find themselves continuously re-living in the past in the name of "never forgetting your last drunk or your doomed to re-peat it" mindset. Don't get me wrong, the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous had a dramatic positive impact on my life, but when it was done, it was done. It had served its purpose, and like my friend... I walked away. I went against the grain. We both went against the grain. And when our worlds didn't collapse, when we weren't found in a drunken stupor begging for help and forgiveness having exploded and taken out everyone around us... it challenged everything so many had been taught about "the program." And it scares them. To the extent that the person you were will effect who you are; it already has simply means, yes, the person she was has shaped her into the person she is now, but in a good way. She has done the work to re-balance that, to counter-act that if you will. That person, who she was, has already created the change within her it was suppose to, and she can let it go now. She can root completely in the person she is now, and move forward. And as always, with gratitude.

THESE are one of the kinds of people who truly inspire me. People who change. Who come like a Phoenix from the flames. Those who trust enough to step out on faith. To take chances. To risk everything they ever believed to be true about their life, for the possibility, that they can live the life they've always dreamt of living. Those who do things even though they are afraid, who burst in the darkest parts of who they are with a willingness and readiness to not leave until all is Light. People who beat the odds, and not because they set out to do so, but because they remained true to themselves. I admire these people and so grateful to  be able to call many of them friends.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Change Being The Only Option

My desire to write is not letting me sleep. I've been arguing with myself for 2 hours about writing. What the hell was I suppose to be writing about anyway?!  I do love to write. Writing forces me to think about what I'm about to say, and offers me the opportunity to backspace when I've said too much. Then sometimes I get lost, I just get out of the way and type with little knowledge of what I'm saying until it's time to proof-read. I often find inspiration in reading what others write, and hope to give that to those who read my words. So here I am,  like... now what? There are several little things I've thought about today but nothing extraordinary to write down. Here's what I almost wrote about earlier...

Svadhyaya, a Sanskrit word for self study. The active pursuit & intention of knowing yourself more through whichever avenue you feel teaches you most about yourself. For me, it's yoga, it's training, it's the relationships I have with the people in my life. Self-reflection is my forte. I live a constant journey of self-discovery. That statement alone makes me ask myself the question... "Is that selfish?" < And there it is... Svadhyaya. I think the quest to understand for the human mind is primitive. The word I REALLY want to use here is eluding me, and I refuse to spend waste anytime searching for it. I just want to write whatever the fuck I'm suppose to write, so I can go back to sleep. The human desire to understand is like my cat's desire to chase a string when it goes by. I've always been a seeker. I've always been a writer, a healer, & a teacher. That's what I do. That's what resonates in my heart. The passions I have for those five things have made this journey that is my life colorful, extreme, deep, & never boring. I chose this. I want this. This life of seeking, writing, healing, & teaching. The amount of change transpiring in my life is equivalent to the amount of change experienced when I left Michigan, got sober, & left AA. It's the magnitude of all of those together, that drastic, that intense. With every one of those I was terrified. I begged God to hold my hand. I told him I was terrified, but propelled by a force radiating from me of which I have never fully understood. I try, I call that force God, the Universe, the Divine, whatever comes to my first in that moment. But I think it's even more than that, if that makes sense. My point is, I'm not scared this time. There is nothing to fear. The new life is ALWAYS better than the old, once we let go. Let go of the fear. Once we no longer fear it, we just trust it. Trust the process, trust God, trust ourselves. That has been my mantra for several weeks... "I trust God, I trust myself" I trust God to lead me, because I feel absolutely blind right now, blind, deaf, and MOVING. At such a rapid pace all I can do is remember to breathe. I trust myself to accurately interpret & follow any guidance I receive. There isn't even a "holding on" .... it's that shock of wow, okay.. um... well... yeah... when there is not time to react, no time to judge, no time to ask questions. I'm reminded multiple times a day by the number 55, on clocks, billboards, telephone numbers, license plates to "Buckle my seat belt, as you're going through (or about to go through) a major positive life change. It's time to let go of that which is no longer working, and allow it to be healed or replaced with something better." I'm ready. That's the only thought that goes through my mind. I don't have to beg God to hold my hand or not to leave my side, because now I understand & trust that's not even possible.  Because I am part of God, I'm part of the whole, we are the whole. There aren't even really parts. It's just one. One energy. One thing. One whatever you want to call it. I said it before & I'll say it again, "Our belief we are separate from one another, is nothing but a big cosmic joke.. and the joke's on us."

There is purging. There is a severing of ties, of relationships. There is connection. There is death, decay, fertilization, gestation, and rebirth. There is  is now Light shining upon aspects of my self I wasn't able to see before. The last bit of a life that is no longer working. That no longer serves the greater purpose of humanity. It's time to stop gathering information; It's time for action, and it's so strong the moment you stop and try to pick something up you find it just outside your reach, then out of sight. Time to stop reflecting on what was, what has been, and what we are gonna do with that, but instead to reflect on what is, right now, and what can be done through us, as we are. Almost as if our active participation isn't even required anymore to dig deep and discover who we really are. The momentum of change is so great, the shit is just rising to the surface, it's becoming blatantly apparent and any attempts at ignoring that, are excruciating.  All that is required of us is surrender, as if that is the only option. To let it happen. To be ready for wherever we end up. This is where I'm at. There are some who have been here, and others that will be. One thing cannot change wihout everything else changing too. And this is where we are all at... in the midst of great change.

With Grace & Gratitude...

My "Secret"

"What's your secret?"

I swear, I laugh EVERY TIME someone asks me that question. THERE IS NO SECRET. You know what you need to do do loose weight, you just aren't doing it. I've given lots of thought the last few days to the transformation I've undergone during the loosing of 94 lbs. To say my "weight loss" would be an understatement. Because although initially weight loss was my goal, it slowly became a simple by-product of change, one of many. Internal & external. You know those moments when you say something and you realize HOLY shit, I've changed. That happened to me the other day. I friend asked me if "my trainer could whip her into shape by July" and my response was "Sure, how hard are you willing to work?" And I was dead serious. That statement, came from a place inside of my psyche cultivated by the station and those who help make it what it is. I get cocky sometimes, like right now... I'm a little in cocky mode. But you know what? I deserve to be a little cocky every now and then. I worked hard. I pushed through the fear & the pain, I faced demons I never knew I had. I've cried, I've laid on the floor giving all I had just to catch my breath. I've humbly admitted yes... I could have pushed harder, and during a five month period found myself battling an eating disorder. I've tended wounds on my body for weeks because I wanted to see if I could do it & gotten so pissed at myself because my body was desperately trying to give out, and I wasn't ready to. There are people at the station I feel are stronger, more willing, and push harder than I do. People I feel I don't even deserve to be in the same workout group with. But there is something to be said about being aware & surrounded by people who are stronger, more willing, and push harder. They help you make you better, and no that was not a typo. Even though, who you are right now is perfect, and exactly who you should be... tomorrow is a different day. Be a different you. There is no end. There is no finish line. 

I guess it is here I will do my little venting paragraph which I've never done, and seems goes against my Buddhist nature. But here goes... I believe all paths in life are truly individualized, and the weight loss journey is no different. But when you go have gastric bypass surgery, don't fucking talk to me about weight loss like we are in this together. fuck you. Don't talk to me like you can relate to the depth of change I've undergone and what a struggle it's been. You're stomach can physically not hold the same amount of  food it used too, so little in fact... you must consume supplements to meet your daily nutritional needs. OF COURSE you are going to loose weight! fuck you. When you've watched other addictions in your life go out of control, or your weight has come back because you never dealt with the underlying issue as to why you were overweight in the first place!?!?! COME SEE ME. Until then, I don't give a fuck about what you ate or didn't eat today or whether or not your going to the gym too. Because we have nothing to talk about. 

My secret? Well, if you want to call it that, here it is. I wouldn't have wanted it ANY. OTHER. WAY....

I made a decision I was willing to do whatever it took to loose weight. I addressed it on all levels...the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I found what worked for me, but not without finding out what didn't. I never gave up on the bigger picture. I didn't put a time line on when I'd loose x amount of weight. I saw ONE number, my goal weight and didn't share it with anyone for a VERY long time. Two and a half years later, I think there are five people who know what that number is. In the beginning, I prayed. I asked God to show me why I was overweight and asked for help. I trusted the perfect people would come into my life at the perfect time, and they did. Early on, I kept a food journal  without counting the calories, it helped me become aware of how much I was eating without overwhelming me. I walked everyday for 30 minutes, that's all I could talk myself into doing and even that was a struggle. I saw a personal trainer once a week. I did my best to cut back on how much food I was eating, and make better choices. I gained 12lbs back over the first holiday season! But I refused to stop, I just kept going. To stop was guaranteed failure, at least if I kept going I had a chance. Eventually, I used my "weaknesses" to my advantage. I worked hard, real fucking hard. I got a different trainer, and decided to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues. I took hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & yoga. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous, and read three books that changed my life and my relationship with food. (Women, Food, and God. The Yoga of Eating. & A Course In Weight Loss.) I got to know myself & my body. I  learned to trust myself. I asked my body what IT needed and gave it that. Guess what? I'm not on a fucking diet. I've never been on a fucking diet. I eat whatever I really want. But I ask myself... is it worth it? How bad do I REALLY want this? Do I really want it at all? And you know what, when I eat it, I enjoy that shit. Every bite, because it doesn't come without a price. Periodically I will keep a food journal on myfitnesspal.com to keep me conscious of what I'm eating Funny thing is... in not denying myself anything, and listening to my body it has naturally created aversions to certain foods. Most often, I don't even want the shit that's bad for me! But it took me almost two years to get to that point, and it still happens every now and then. It took patience & grace. It took willingness. A willingness to feel all the pain I had been eating away for years. A willingness to trust other people and myself. I seriously, could go on for what could constitute an entire book. Right now, I'm still not on a diet and I work out, do yoga, & train because I love it. I'm still finding what works for me, and if it stops working, I change it. This is my life. I eat less and better, because it's a habit. Because it feels good. Because I eat what my body wants. I finally love myself & my body enough today to want to be good to it. Anything less is unacceptable. Because I've addressed (and still addressing) the underlying issues as to why I was overweight in the first place, God's grace, and a moment of pure willingness to do whatever it took... I've lost 94lbs in two and a half years. It wasn't quick. I wasn't easy. But it was worth it and I'm better for it. 

With Grace & Gratitude....

Dottie

Practice

I swept the floor this morning. Mundane right? Not really. I decided to use sweeping the floor for a deeper purpose. To practice, to train my mind to focus on the moment, the details. To let go of all that that really didn't matter in that moment, to let go of everything else that didn't have to do with sweeping that floor. Ok, I was just sweeping the floor. Who cares if I was "there" or not? I do. I'm practicing living in the moment, letting go of thoughts. Because what about those times when we REALLY DO want to be there, in the moment, to enjoy it fully. When being there, really does matter but we can't do it... because we don't know how. We've not practiced it enough. It's like thinking about taking piano lessons for years, talking about it, reading about it, wishing for it but never touching the keys and expecting yourself to be ready to play on stage in front of an audience. That's just not how it works.

Today I practiced focus, letting go, and being in the moment by simply sweeping the floor. I practiced patience with myself and my thoughts as I waited for my body and mind to relax into meditation. Among other things, but today... that's what presented itself, and in accepting that, I practiced being okay with what is. 

What do you want more of in your life? What do you need more of in your life? I've come to believe that although we may not always know what we want, we know what we need. Whatever it is... practice it.  Practice it when it really doesn't matter, so when does... it's familiar, and there's always comfort in familiarity.

Love & Light,
Dottie

All Will Be Well

"All will be well, even after all the promises you've broken to yourself, all will be well, you can ask me how but only time will tell." - Gabe Dixon Band

I opened my eyes this morning, irritated. Thoughts I was tired of thinking entered before I full came out of my dream state, there was noise in the kitchen, and I had spent the last two days crying & purging of what? I"m not sure. There is an  index card on my computer desk with the words "What are you choosing to focus on RIGHT NOW?" That's an important question to ask yourself at any given moment, like checking in with your mind... bringing awareness back. We are SO often wrapped up in what's wrong we are inadvertently re-creating those same experiences  So when I ask myself that question and realize I'm focusing on pain, loss, anger, fear... I look to the left on another index card that says, "TRUST." I smile, I breathe, I reconnect to the Divine. It may seem tiny, but them more I do that, the more I create that. Eventually, it will all add up.

So I sat my irritated ass on my meditation cushion this morning, fidgety, seeing my mind as my enemy a question arose... "What are you choosing to practice right now? And you know what? That awareness was enough. Awareness is always enough. I was practicing willingness, acceptance, surrender, trust, letting go...being okay with what was, living in the moment. I was practicing trust in myself and trust in the Divine that there on that cushion this morning was exactly where I was suppose to be. I was surrendering  and accepting of where I was in that moment... frustrated and all. How beautiful & exciting. I asked myself what's the worst that could happen if I completely let go right now? For just a moment, so I did...briefly. I bet you think I'm gonna say everything stopped, and I felt peaceful and fell into a deep meditative state? NOPE, but I did smile and felt gratitude, then I gave myself permission to get off my cushion. :)

Because it is a practice and practice automatically implies patience. Practice implies multiple attempts and requires a little bit of grace. So be easy on yourself. Love ALL of you... that mind that seems to never stop, that mouth that seems to never shut up, those wounds you can't always hide. Love ALL your weakness and don't be afraid of your strengths.

"So become one with YOUR practice, your Eightfold path, embrace it as though it was the lover you had waited for your entire life. Ride with it, swim with it, sink with it, soar with it. Sail and sail hard. I'll go with you. Enlightenment is waiting on the other side of the ocean. And it will wait for however long it takes."  - Geri Larkin


Love & Light,
Dottie

I Couldn't Say It...

I yearn to right, but feel as if I've lost my muse. Where to start? What to say? I've yoga'd this morning. I'm officially a third of the person I used to be. I'm in love with my soul mate, and she came as a woman. Never in my life have I experienced a relationship like this, on so many different levels. I've never been able to voice my anger, terrified a fight would be the end all be all. Not wanting someone to know what they did upset me, because I'm stronger than that, they insinuates they have some control over me and my emotions, because it's probably just irrational and all my own bullshit. Who am I to throw that onto someone else? Being honest with yourself, in THAT moment. I kept identifying with thought. That calm, solid voice somehow welled up inside of me and I was guided to if I was going to identify with ANYTHING in that moment, identify with feeling, with body sensations. Where was it, and what did it feel like? I did just that. Looking into her eyes somehow has the ability to open my heart chakra like a flower. I can feel it. I smile, almost instantly, and she laughs because I "love looking at her" & she thinks I'm "wierd" :) lol. The spending so much time together is new to me. I find I sometimes begin to feel overwhelmed, like I need room to breathe, exacerbated by fears of her thinking things which just aren't true regarding why I feel I need "space" . I'm just not used to it. I fear getting bored, or co-dependent. I fear us getting tired of each other. It's time to figure out where I'm at in regards to relationships. To firmly know who I am. But can we? I believe we are constantly changing, growing, evolving. The moment I think I KNOW who I am, I will no longer be that person, I will have changed. Maybe it's more about being comfortable in who I am in THAT moment. I'm sensitive. I'm learning that. Super sensitive. I get my feelings hurt easily and like affection and I love you reminders :-/. I hate even typing that out. I get in my own head and create mountains out of mole hills and need someone I can freely share that information with so I don't do that. She gives me that. I'm utterly amazed sometimes at how we interact and react to each other. I notice how I've become conscious of the use of we, us, our. I usually use me and you, my and yours etc. I dunno, it's hard to put into words really. I'm grateful for it, and I'm often surprised at how much love I feel in my heart for her.

Living My Yoga

"It's not about how good you can do the pose, it's about what you discover about yourself in the pose."

     Yoga has been one of my greatest teachers, because it simply brings you inward, back to your true nature; below the mindless chatter, the emotional turmoil, & beyond your perceived physical limitations.  In one of my least favorite poses which has most often induced an IMMEDIATE emotional response of "I fucking HATE THIS POSE!" Followed by thoughts of, "This is good for me, it will help me grow, just breath into it." About 15 seconds before the teacher said to come out of it... I was DONE. I had decided it was too uncomforable, I didn't care how good it was for me, I was fucking DONE. I STILL hate this pose and *I* can come out of it anytime I want! ... and then, the flood gates of awareness opened up...

     In situations that I do not want, or are not ideal according to me, I will do them momentarily, then retreat in a childlike fashion when I realize it's not what I want and nothing I'm doing is bringing about what I want. I'll go into situations, especially with relationships, with a willingness and knowing that if it weren't what I needed, I wouldn't be experiencing it. Feelings of : It's a learning process, and I'm ready for whatever it brings. Intially...

     "What are you so afraid of?" - Not getting what I want, it not being what I want it to be. I've said for a long time there are only two things in life I've ever wanted and not gotten, an easy bake oven, and a treehouse. Funny how both of those are child toys right? How about this... I never got my canary yellow mustang, I never got first chair at honor band, I never got my own tuba, and I never got to be the pitcher. My eighth grade class didn't get to go to Washington D.C. and I never got to be Tyler Gillam's girlfriend. I didn't get to go to Vanderbilt university to study medicine, nor did I end up graduated, married, and having my first child by 25. But SOMETHING would be different, probably something HUGE, had I gotten some of those things. I wouldn't be who I am right now. It's that feeling of things being taken away that drives me nuts. Makes me almost neurotic trying to figure out what happened, and what I can do to get it back. Because GOD FORBID something happen beyond my control.

      "You can't always get what you want." - When Billie told me that around 6 months ago, I was appalled. But I knew there was truth in that. And now, it's finally hit where it needed to hit. I've felt the cycle in my relationships I kept repeating was always falling in love with someone who couldn't or didn't want to be with me for some reason or another. And although yes, there is some truth to that... THAT in and of itself was not the lesson. The deeper issue, the piece I've been missing, is that it's not always going to be what I want, it's not about what I want. It's about what both of us need. The cycle I've been repeating was retreating in a childlike fashion; allowing what needed to happen for as long as I could, because really, I valued my wants over my needs, which in turn made me value my wants over the wants & needs of others. Thus igniting my selfish tendencies... holy fuck that statement took my breathe away, here's the tears. What a disheartening & humbling realization. So when I absolutely cannot lie to myself anymore, that I have moments of feeling my wants are more important than the needs of myself or others, I retreat. I stop everything. That's why I always feel like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I blame myself, why I feel so fucked in the head, so confused, and why I try SO hard for others to see me as not selfish. Because that's a pretty selfish action.

     The lesson here, which I learned on my yoga mat today is this moment, may not be what I want, but it's exactly what I need and when it intricately involves another person, it's exactly what THEY need as well.   Retreating, childlike or not, will only bring me ANOTHER opportunity to experience a similar moment. Thus the cycle. I've retreated, without fail, every time, and really thought the issue was the entrance, "Why did I get into this AGAIN?!"... nope it was the exit I was getting wrong.  My exit. It's about letting it play itself out; about fully experiencing it, whatever it has to offer, until it offers no more. Then there is no need for any kind of exit, because there was never an entrance, there was never a beginning, so no ending is needed. It's like the wind, or falling asleep. The exact moment it begins or ends cannot be determined, it seems to come from nowhere and go back to nowhere.

     We don't want what we have, not for very long anyways. It gets boring, we want something different. But we don't want to want something different! We want to want what we have right? Isn't that what they say, want what you have? When the flow stops our deepest selves yearn for something different to get the flow going again. If the flow stops, we die, parts of us die. It is imperative to keep moving. And this can be as painful or as beautiful as decide it to be.

     As long as this blog already is, I'm hesitant to add anymore. Yet, I can't help but to think about the phrases I've heard in the last week or so, that have resonated with me. Those phrases that seem to all find there place this morning on my yoga mat. All from people very close to my heart. "It's always about what you are or aren't getting out of our connection." "Let it be what it is" (from 3 different sources), "You can't always get what you want." I knew there was truth in each of those, the moment they were said, I just didn't know what to do with them at the time. And the ironic thing is, last night I decided to not do anything.

    The most beautiful thing about awareness, is that it cannot be un-learned and makes it so much more difficult to repeat a behavior which as caused you suffering.

Love & Light
Dottie

The Void

      For once in my life, a void set in and I didn't make on attempt to fill it.  I thought of all the ways I COULD have filled it eating, pof-ing (for those who don't know what that is, it's an online dating site that is one of my most favorite distractions), drinking, contacting people I had no business contacting.... all of which would have only created more chaos.

       A deep knowingness came over me that this void had a purpose, as with all voids.  Voids create a vacuum effect, it makes space for something new. It is an inkling that something is coming, maybe we should pay more attention, be ready, be open, be grateful. It is NOT our job to fill those voids < that was the clearest of all. It was not my job to fill that void.  Whew, what a fucking relief. It's the universes job to fill that void, and filled it will be. It always is. Without fail, every void we've ever felt has been filled. Sometimes we fill it with stuff that doesn't belong there, thus the feeling of something missing... because we don't know exactly what goes there.... we just don't like it being there so we'll put anything in that hole... drugs, food, sex, gambling, pills, shopping, etc. We are terrified of that empty space inside of us, as if it is going to completely swallow us up, and we are going to die. So, when that void hits, we search for anything to fill it.

     This void has been there since somewhere around 4 days ago. I simply stated, I feel a void. I just keep sitting with it, breathing with it, feeling excitement that something is coming. Maybe it's grace, maybe its growth, maybe its someone or something. Maybe I won't even realize it when it gets here, maybe I'm not suppose to know when it gets filled.... Slowly, and not-so-painfully anymore, I'm realizing that it's okay to not know. My frustrations come from my attempts at trying to figure all the shit out. My confusion comes from my own mind. My suffering comes from my constant grappling at WHATEVER only to find it's just out of my reach or won't fit anyway. Searching for something insinuates movement, when really... what I'm needing is a sacred stillness. How often do we run exhausting every option, thought, searching for answers, seeking for whatever only to find ourselves exhausted and falling into sacred stillness anyway. When we have nothing left and we collapse whether emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?

Voids won't kill us, our attempts at filling them just might though. It's not our job to fill those voids, our job is to acknowledge it and let it be there, let it serve it's purpose... and no, we don't have to know what that is...

Love & Light
Dottie

Beliefs About Pain

"What is my belief about pain? What do I correlate pain with?

       With ice on my ankle & apple in hand I asked myself this question, "What do I correlate pain with?" I do not shy away from pain. Those who know me would probably say I welcome it, I embrace it almost too much. So, what is my belief about pain that makes me so okay with experiencing it? Simple. Pain = strength, getting stronger, growth. Pain makes me stronger, on all levels. No painful experience has allowed me to come out unchanged. Even if crippling, it is temporary at best. My ankle hurts - I just ran 3.1 miles to the best of my ability today. What does this pain tell me? Not that I cannot do 3.1 miles, but that NEXT time my ankle will be better able to withstand that 3.1 miles. It's getting stronger.

       "Whether it's true or not, what we believe to be true is what really matters."

Love & Light
Dottie

Beliefs (To Be Continued)

I feel like every molecule in my body has yearned to write for three days.

Where do I start? My thoughts/questions/explorations about the characteristic of selfishness and how that plays itself out in my life? Beliefs about who I am, and who I choose to be? The dreams I had last night with murky water and and old house literally crumbling before my eyes? Or how about the joy I felt yesterday with all the birthday wishes & love flowing my way? But what about the feelings of frustration at my belief I'm having trouble meditating? There's defiantly some anger rising to the surface (and has been for a couple days) ALTHOUGH, it could simply be, that I'm hormonal; I'm due to start next week. I often accidentally overlook simplicity. The selfish thing seems to be pushing itself to the surface. Let me get my coffee....

I've just spent the last 30 minutes emailing, facebooking, and distracting myself from here. Partially NOT wanting to explore this because I know I posses a belief that I am incredibly selfish and typing that alone brings tears to my eyes. Whether or not it is true is ENTIRELY irrelevant. The important thing is whether or not I believe it to be true, and I do...

After typing that line, I spent another 10 minutes in distraction. A handful of instances have slowly brought selfishness into my awareness. The icing on the cake was a couple days ago when I was asked, "Do you swear on my life you won't tell anyone?" My response was, "Yes, I swear on my life I won't tell anyone." - I didn't realize I had said *I* as opposed to YOURS... I stopped and thought holy fuck, deep down I really do think it's always about me isn't it? I woke up at 4am that night and laid awake for an hour, with a slew of reasons I believed myself to be selfish, I knew this needed to be explored. BUT APPARENTLY... today is not the day. I just got back from another 15 minute distraction adventure... smh

Love & Light
Dottie

Rich Awareness

"It was then that I learned to let go, it is now I truly believe" a painting called awakening that is now hanging above my bed.

"Peoples forced reflection by the suffering of loss"

It is one thing to have a goal. It's okay to have goals and dreams, but it's the understanding and acceptance from the moment that goal is created that it may or may not happen.

"Today seemed chocked full of lessons, signs, answers and bits of guidance if we were aware enough to catch it..." My text to J... her response... "Ditto."

The song I cannot currently get enough of, Ryan Starr's "We might fall"

"We know what we are, but not what we may be..." The ring I bought today which I absolutely LOVE.

The realization on my way home that for the first time, J and I may or may not work. I don't know, it's okay not to know. Be honest with myself about what I want, I want to be with her, but you know what... it may or may not happen and that's okay.

"And if you didn't know you hurt your momma's feelings she's been crying." - a message from my cousin. I do know, am I responsible for her feelings? She's not willing to talk about them, and leaving was what truly felt best for me to do, there is no regret or shame. I would have rather spent the day here, with J at the art fair. This was were I was suppose to be, I'm sure of it, otherwise... I wouldn't have been here.

Control came up a few times... then my thoughts where, if I believe I have control issues and affirm that wihtout taking action or also viewing a resolution or healing in progress, I will only amplify them.


Symbolism. Parallel's. Love. Healing. Passion. Honesty. Awareness. Sharing.

"If the Buddha got stuck" is rocking my world right now.

Today was rich. It's time to sleep and allow it all to sink in to the very core of my being, beyond and without the filter of my conscious mind....

Love & Light
Dottie

The Decision

    I'm so happy & relieved right now I can't stop smiling.  I finally made the decision to go home tomorrow. I'm going through with my plans to go to Huntsville to see my Dad and Katie, and then leaving from there and heading back to MI to an empty house. The mere thought of that allows a sense of peace to swell and take over my entire being. FINALLY, is the only thought that comes to mind.  Me time; time to regroup & reflect. To be with this transition stage of my life. Since roughly the 5th of August my life has been in GO mode. Between adjusting my life to make room for a new relationship, cramming in last minute conicals, preparing for graduation, and studying for Kaplan & Med Surg all while doing my best to maintain some sort of balance... I've yet to feel the excitement and relief of graduating because I've not stopped going. The family coming in added stress, then coming down sooner than I wanted too didn't help. What i wanted to do was take a couple days to re-group, do some yoga, work out, and get my NCLEX shit sent off, but instead I felt obligated to keep my word that I would come down on Sunday. I'm so ready to go home. I don't mind change, I welcome it although I have my fear moments, and have to consciously come back to myself & my body to center and reground myself.
     
    I spent the first few days crying, angry, and not accepting things as they were. I wanted to be home,  I wanted my mother to not  be in pain, and my brother to get more out of life; mixed with a thousand other things like not  sleeping with 3 tv's going, having starbucks less than an hour away, or not having a clue where my phone charger was blah, blah, blah.  Being around all the smoke and noise was reeking havoc on my energy level & serenity. I see so much pain, suffering, and addict/co-dependent tendencies here it terrifies me.  Where does the fear come from? What scares me about it? That I may get sucked back in. That these habits will only lead to more suffering for people I love so dearly and there is nothing I can do about it. I understand that. So why expose myself to something so painful? I described it as watching a baby die from  cancer. That's how I felt. Like I was helpless, powerless, & my presence was merely another energy source for anger and fear to bread. I didn't want to fuel this fire, and I wanted out. I kept saying, "I feel like I'm running from something" which usually prompts me to sit with it, feel it, stand strong and dig deep. What are these feelings trying to tell me? Then I was told that sometimes when we become aware we are not strong enough at that moment, in that situation it's okay to honor ourselves enough to walk away, not run, but walk. Walk with confidence & Love. This statment solidfied my thoughts I've been having over the last several months abotu discernment and how sometimes we ARE suppose to stand strong, sit with it, feel it, and intiate change... other times it's about surrender, acceptance, and letting go.

     I'm so grateful for the growth I have experienced because when these emotions hit like an MMA fighter punching me in the chest I sought refuge in my spirituality & nature. To say I did  not have thoughts of indulging in old/self sabotaging behaviors would be a lie, I had them, but they were fleeting. Knowing, when I was done I'd be right back here,but with more shit to sift through. Instead, I reached out for help from ppl I knew would only pour Love into this situation. Not fear, not blame, not anger. Just love and reassurance that it's okay, this isn't where I belong anymore, and this isn't who I am, and really it's okay. It's okay to feel sadness when suffering is present, it doesn't have to become you or consume you.  It's okay to be felt. There have been so many little tid bits of spirituality pop up at the most appropriate times, helping me to sink deeper into the acceptance of my desires, fears, and reality as it was. Gentle reminders that if I can't remain true to myself in choosing not to indulge in gossip or blame it's okay to walk away. It has been my practice to not relate to people in affirming pain, loss, scarcity, etc.  It has been my practice to relate to them in life affirming conversations about their strengths, choices, growth, deep life changing conversations of allowing what doesn't work to surface and move on. < This is the life I've chosen to live.

    I do feel there could be more acceptance on my part of the life they have chosen to live. Reaching for outward solutions to inward problems, becoming accustomed to struggle and sacrifice. Denial, excuses, rationalizing. It's so strong it makes me want to vomit. Like the very energy itself is toxic to who I am. Fight or flight kicks in without thought. Then somewhere, underneath it all, something reminds me to breathe.  That's it. It's that simple I breathe. Re-connect with who I am, and not with who I was or with their beliefs of fear, struggle, and scarcity. Beliefs that they never have enough of anything, everything is painful physically & mentally, and this is all there is. I know differently, but that's where the denial, excuses, and rationalizing come in. But this is the life they have chosen to live, who am I to ask for acceptance of my life if I cannot grant acceptance of theirs? So what does that mean? It means surrendering, letting go of expectations and desires despite how "good" I think they are for them. If they are totally unaware of thier own pain and suffering and truly believe they are happy, who am I to bring some shit to the surface ripping apart what happiness they DO have? Not everyone wants to live a life of self-discovery. Some are totally happy where they are, kudos to them. That within itself is a beautiful lesson for me.

     "We must learn to transcend our own views." < a statement I read this week from "If the buddha got stuck." I've spent the last few days stirring up that metaphorically bucket. That five gallon bucket of water with mudd caked on the bottom. While digging deep and cleaning out that mudd, the water is going to get a little dirty. It's going to temporarily cloud some things, and require some patience on my part for it to resettle. But when it does, there will be less muck, I will be more clear, and there will be more room for new.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Desires

"What do you desire right now?"

Ohhhh how I just love this question (please note the sarcasm).  My initial response is always, "I don't know." But I must. Let's break it down. I want to know what I want. How's that for starters? Gotta start somewhere right? That statement makes me smile, brings joy into my heart. What do I desire? Makes me want to ask, in what aspect of my life? It's simple. Things are always much more simpler than we believe they are, it is our experiences, fears, & egos that make it all so much more than it is.  What do I desire right now? At this moment? Mexican food. My classmate said it earlier, and I've wanted it ever since. I want get full and come home and go to sleep so I can get up at 4am to take the Uncle to the airport.. okay seriously. I'm going off on a tangent distracted myself, like so many of us so easily do when we wish to avoid the truth. Am I afraid of what I really want? Do I fear that if I admit to myself what I want, then I'm opening myself up for disappointment if I don't get it? I don't know. An unacceptable answer. We always know. Somewhere inside of us, we know.  We know the best action to take, we know there is a resolution, we KNOW that WE KNOW.  So what do I want? What are my hearts true desires. It's simple. I keep hearing that in my head, it's so simple. To feel joy, freedom, & Love. To connect with others. To be in the moment. Ah I remember now, I want to live more in the moment. To be in the moment. To stop wanting to dig so deep, looking for something that may or may not be there. Some pain, that I've yet to discover. As if I'm confused. So used to going down within the depths of my soul and coming out with arm fulls of pain & suffering that I need to sift through. Beliefs that aren't true & experiences that never happened. That's what I'm used to. I've been coming up empty handed lately, and I"m not so sure what to do about that. Like that weird feeling when you clean out your purse, and it just feels like something is missing, but everything is there. My eye itches, lol ;) -- just a side note, lol. I've been asking myself what it feels like, whatever it is that I'm feeling. Where in my body to I feel it, and what does it feel like. Approaching whatever feeling I'm feeling with what Geneen Roth calls, "Curiosity & kindness."

I sat with myself today, as is. No special reason. Not because I was hurting, or angry and needed to explore that, but simply to sit with myself as I was in that moment. Which was, calm, curious, & open. I prayed that if there were something that needed to come into my awareness that it come and I accept it with grace. If not, I prayed that I knew when it was time to come out of my quiet space and accept that too, with grace. I simply made myself available to the universe; I sat with stillness, I sat with God.

Just now I realize just before I took my seat  I was standing in front of the refrigerator picking at cucumber salad, I asked myself what I really wanted in that moment, because it wasn't the cucumber salad. I know this because when I took a deep breath with it in my mouth, I became a tad nauseated. I shut the door and thought, "I want to stop wanting." That thought was so far from my mind until I typed "I sat with God" in sitting with myself as I was, my desires were fulfilled. Desires I was barely even aware of & almost quieted with food.

"Because when you evoke curiosity and openness with a lack of judgement, you align yourself with beauty & delight & love-- for their own sake. You become the benevolence of God in action." - Geneen Roth

Love & Light
Dottie