Yoga sounds good right now. Sunday. There is a basic yoga class on Sunday. I'm at Biggby. As much as I love my office space, it's a nice change sometimes. I am without direction at the moment. Few "topics" I'd like to write about, but nothing really tugging at my muse. It's just nice to be here, writing. I admitted my first piece of writing last night to an online distributor of various collections on social media, Thought Catalog. I wrestled with it for a while, which piece would be best? What should the title be? Should I have a pen name? etc. Finally, I let it go. I took a step. I submitted it. It's my most recent piece, based on my feelings surrounding my family dynamics and how I exist within them. I had that brief thought of, what if this hurts someone's feelings? What if my mother? My Aunt? My cousin sees this? But is it a true expression of how I felt? Yes. There will be times in my writing career when people will be discriminatory, critical, and take things personally. Do I allow that to deter me from sharing my passions? No. I was asked the question yesterday in a book what my deepest dreams were. What do I want to do with my writings? She said many of us writers don't know. Me? I want to write books. I want to write articles. I want to write books that open people's minds and hearts. Books that inspire people to grow, be kind, and gracious. A sharing of experiences and thoughts that expand someone's consciousness. That is the mark I wish to leave on the world. To bring about more connection, more reflection, more healing, more joy, and more peace.
I'm definitely feeling more decisive lately. Stronger emotionally and energetically but softer overall. A gentleman told me a few days ago that I was very kind, and to continue being myself. What a beautiful compliment. One of the best I've ever received. Giving much thought to the qualities I admire, to embody them myself, and help cultivate them in others. To surround myself with people who exude these same qualities and amplify other positive attributes. Patience. How grateful I am for learning that practice.
"Become one with your practice, your eight-fold path. Embrace it as though it were the lover you had waited for your entire life. Run with it, swim with it, sink with it, soar with it. Sail and sail hard..." - Geri Larkin
To Fran, To Regis. To Grandpa Dick. Your presences have not gone unnoticed these last few days. Thank you.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Friday, October 17, 2014
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Ramblings of a Sunday Afternoon
What is it that I want to do with my life? I'm almost 30. I am secure financially. I'm secure romantically and emotionally. I have a good support system. What mark is it that I want to leave on the world? What are my hearts deepest desires? What are my gifts? And how can I express them? I'm almost 30. A surreal understanding. It is entirely up to me how I handle my experiences and how I interact with the world and people in it. I am no child. I am dependent on no one to be in this world. *I* am truly my only obstacle. I am not starting over on anything, I am not getting sober, I am no longer waiting on nursing school to be finished, or waiting to get settled in my new job. I am in my life. Fully and able bodied. Both feet on the ground, totally submerged and living this life. So how do wish to be in this world? How can I make the most of each day? These are the questions I've begun asking myself. This is were I'm at.
It is empowering. This place. Not sure I've been here before, but God am I grateful for it. Still asking, What is required of me right now?
With Grace & Gratitude...
It is empowering. This place. Not sure I've been here before, but God am I grateful for it. Still asking, What is required of me right now?
With Grace & Gratitude...
Friday, December 6, 2013
Life & Death
"God is doing some serious recruitment this week....." - A friend's status update.
He sure is. I spent most of the last few days contemplating life and death. Actually it's probably been more about 2 weeks. I'm a hospice nurse. You can't do this day in and day out without really beginning to ask the deeper questions. What do I really believe about the afterlife? What haven't I seen? What am I afraid to see? And what do I know for sure? If anything. I watched a dear friend's body get laid to rest today, she was the oldest best friend I ever knew. She was 90 and taught me a tremendous amount about love & life. She was one of the few people in the world whom I felt truly knew me, could see past any façade I may have been holding up and loved me unconditionally. I adored her. I sobbed at her funeral and had to remind myself to just breathe.
I knew for over a week her time was coming very soon, I could feel it. The universe sent me numerous times. I had been wanting to go to see her where she lived two hours away for a year and a half and always had excuses. But today, all of a sudden, I found the time. I found the time to come to her funeral. What did that do for her? Who are funerals for anyway? They are for us. I felt guilt for not coming to see her. I needed closure, I wanted to say goodbye... and all of a sudden, I had the time, the gas money, and the willingness.... Selfishness. I'll take this as a lesson learned. Forgive myself and make some changes.
Then I visited Shauna. As reflective as I have been about life & death, I had to go see her. I stood in the cemetery and suddenly felt at a loss for words. Then I heard her say that I get so caught up in the feelings, the emotions, the pain. I focus so much on the sadness & the loss that I miss certain things. That I block myself from seeing things that I really want to see. Like the other side. I've been communicating with the other side for several years now, but there are certain aspects, I know I'm missing. Certain things I want to see and know, that I don't allow myself too. I've often wondered if it's fear, but it doesn't feel like fear. I asked Shauna about it today and she told me that I had it backwards. I've always needed to see to believe, when really I need to believe to see, and I had doubt. She said belief was very simple, it was a choice. I asked her, then what do I tell people when they ask why I believe what I believe? And she said to tell them because I choose too, because choosing too believe makes me a happy, it brings me peace, and helps me be a better person.
That concept has been a pillar in my belief system for yearssss. How do we know what is true, and what isn't? If everybody is right, how can there be such difference? Who cares if what we believe really is true? It's true for us isn't it? Does it make us better people? Does it bring positive service to the world in some way? What we believe is true... is. What we believe will work for us... will. I believe these things, because they resonate in my heart. But when it comes to life after this, I've read books. I've heard other people's beliefs, but somewhere inside of me, there is doubt. More like indecision, because I don't know what to believe. What does happen after we die? I don't know. I've seen bits and pieces. There are a few things I understand. I stood in the cemetery today and asked Shauna, "how do I know I'm really talking to you anyway? How do I know this isn't my imagination?" Her response... "There is your doubt, your indecision. Your choice." What if I wasn't really talking to her? What if it was just my imagination? Would it matter? If it was enough to get me here... contemplating life, death, and understanding God a little more deeply, then what fault has been made? I choose to believe it she was there today. Why? Because I want to see. Because believing it was her, opens my heart a little more. And the world can always use a few more open hearts.
Maybe it's not about what we believe happens or doesn't happen, or how we get there. Maybe none of that matters at all. Just our belief that it is okay to go, and that in some shape or form, love is waiting.
With Grace &Gratitude...
He sure is. I spent most of the last few days contemplating life and death. Actually it's probably been more about 2 weeks. I'm a hospice nurse. You can't do this day in and day out without really beginning to ask the deeper questions. What do I really believe about the afterlife? What haven't I seen? What am I afraid to see? And what do I know for sure? If anything. I watched a dear friend's body get laid to rest today, she was the oldest best friend I ever knew. She was 90 and taught me a tremendous amount about love & life. She was one of the few people in the world whom I felt truly knew me, could see past any façade I may have been holding up and loved me unconditionally. I adored her. I sobbed at her funeral and had to remind myself to just breathe.
I knew for over a week her time was coming very soon, I could feel it. The universe sent me numerous times. I had been wanting to go to see her where she lived two hours away for a year and a half and always had excuses. But today, all of a sudden, I found the time. I found the time to come to her funeral. What did that do for her? Who are funerals for anyway? They are for us. I felt guilt for not coming to see her. I needed closure, I wanted to say goodbye... and all of a sudden, I had the time, the gas money, and the willingness.... Selfishness. I'll take this as a lesson learned. Forgive myself and make some changes.
Then I visited Shauna. As reflective as I have been about life & death, I had to go see her. I stood in the cemetery and suddenly felt at a loss for words. Then I heard her say that I get so caught up in the feelings, the emotions, the pain. I focus so much on the sadness & the loss that I miss certain things. That I block myself from seeing things that I really want to see. Like the other side. I've been communicating with the other side for several years now, but there are certain aspects, I know I'm missing. Certain things I want to see and know, that I don't allow myself too. I've often wondered if it's fear, but it doesn't feel like fear. I asked Shauna about it today and she told me that I had it backwards. I've always needed to see to believe, when really I need to believe to see, and I had doubt. She said belief was very simple, it was a choice. I asked her, then what do I tell people when they ask why I believe what I believe? And she said to tell them because I choose too, because choosing too believe makes me a happy, it brings me peace, and helps me be a better person.
That concept has been a pillar in my belief system for yearssss. How do we know what is true, and what isn't? If everybody is right, how can there be such difference? Who cares if what we believe really is true? It's true for us isn't it? Does it make us better people? Does it bring positive service to the world in some way? What we believe is true... is. What we believe will work for us... will. I believe these things, because they resonate in my heart. But when it comes to life after this, I've read books. I've heard other people's beliefs, but somewhere inside of me, there is doubt. More like indecision, because I don't know what to believe. What does happen after we die? I don't know. I've seen bits and pieces. There are a few things I understand. I stood in the cemetery today and asked Shauna, "how do I know I'm really talking to you anyway? How do I know this isn't my imagination?" Her response... "There is your doubt, your indecision. Your choice." What if I wasn't really talking to her? What if it was just my imagination? Would it matter? If it was enough to get me here... contemplating life, death, and understanding God a little more deeply, then what fault has been made? I choose to believe it she was there today. Why? Because I want to see. Because believing it was her, opens my heart a little more. And the world can always use a few more open hearts.
Maybe it's not about what we believe happens or doesn't happen, or how we get there. Maybe none of that matters at all. Just our belief that it is okay to go, and that in some shape or form, love is waiting.
With Grace &Gratitude...
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Somewhere, Someone Is...
As I was standing in my kitchen my mind began to wonder, feeling myself very connected to humanity at large. We so often find ourselves in our own heads, in our own little world. I thought of a friend who had given birth to twin boys today, and how much her life would be forever different. Then I thought of everyone else, and how today may have impacted their life. I woke up today with the attitude of I have NO idea what today will bring, this thought excites me. I love surprises. I'm finding the fun in not knowing, not needing to know. Today wasn't anything grand for me, a good day, but nothing I felt which compared to having two brand new babies. I stood there in my kitchen and expanded upon that thought. Today someone received some news that will change the way they view their life forever. Someone got proposed to today, someone found out they were pregnant, someone lost a loved one, someone lost their own life. Someone did something they felt was the biggest mistake of their life. Someone was finding themselves lost, & another was find themselves in a moment of clarity, connection. Someone was being locked up, and another was walking free. Someone, somewhere, would give anything to not be where they are, & someone else is desperately trying to savor every fleeting moment of where they are. At that very moment, every emotion & every scenario imaginable was being expressed on earth, somewhere. It was beautiful, it was humbling. My heart swelled, and my head bowed.
With Grace & Gratitude...
With Grace & Gratitude...
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Practice
I swept the floor this morning. Mundane right? Not really. I decided to use sweeping the floor for a deeper purpose. To practice, to train my mind to focus on the moment, the details. To let go of all that that really didn't matter in that moment, to let go of everything else that didn't have to do with sweeping that floor. Ok, I was just sweeping the floor. Who cares if I was "there" or not? I do. I'm practicing living in the moment, letting go of thoughts. Because what about those times when we REALLY DO want to be there, in the moment, to enjoy it fully. When being there, really does matter but we can't do it... because we don't know how. We've not practiced it enough. It's like thinking about taking piano lessons for years, talking about it, reading about it, wishing for it but never touching the keys and expecting yourself to be ready to play on stage in front of an audience. That's just not how it works.
Today I practiced focus, letting go, and being in the moment by simply sweeping the floor. I practiced patience with myself and my thoughts as I waited for my body and mind to relax into meditation. Among other things, but today... that's what presented itself, and in accepting that, I practiced being okay with what is.
What do you want more of in your life? What do you need more of in your life? I've come to believe that although we may not always know what we want, we know what we need. Whatever it is... practice it. Practice it when it really doesn't matter, so when does... it's familiar, and there's always comfort in familiarity.
Love & Light,
Dottie
Today I practiced focus, letting go, and being in the moment by simply sweeping the floor. I practiced patience with myself and my thoughts as I waited for my body and mind to relax into meditation. Among other things, but today... that's what presented itself, and in accepting that, I practiced being okay with what is.
What do you want more of in your life? What do you need more of in your life? I've come to believe that although we may not always know what we want, we know what we need. Whatever it is... practice it. Practice it when it really doesn't matter, so when does... it's familiar, and there's always comfort in familiarity.
Love & Light,
Dottie
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Living My Yoga
"It's not about how good you can do the pose, it's about what you discover about yourself in the pose."
Yoga has been one of my greatest teachers, because it simply brings you inward, back to your true nature; below the mindless chatter, the emotional turmoil, & beyond your perceived physical limitations. In one of my least favorite poses which has most often induced an IMMEDIATE emotional response of "I fucking HATE THIS POSE!" Followed by thoughts of, "This is good for me, it will help me grow, just breath into it." About 15 seconds before the teacher said to come out of it... I was DONE. I had decided it was too uncomforable, I didn't care how good it was for me, I was fucking DONE. I STILL hate this pose and *I* can come out of it anytime I want! ... and then, the flood gates of awareness opened up...
In situations that I do not want, or are not ideal according to me, I will do them momentarily, then retreat in a childlike fashion when I realize it's not what I want and nothing I'm doing is bringing about what I want. I'll go into situations, especially with relationships, with a willingness and knowing that if it weren't what I needed, I wouldn't be experiencing it. Feelings of : It's a learning process, and I'm ready for whatever it brings. Intially...
"What are you so afraid of?" - Not getting what I want, it not being what I want it to be. I've said for a long time there are only two things in life I've ever wanted and not gotten, an easy bake oven, and a treehouse. Funny how both of those are child toys right? How about this... I never got my canary yellow mustang, I never got first chair at honor band, I never got my own tuba, and I never got to be the pitcher. My eighth grade class didn't get to go to Washington D.C. and I never got to be Tyler Gillam's girlfriend. I didn't get to go to Vanderbilt university to study medicine, nor did I end up graduated, married, and having my first child by 25. But SOMETHING would be different, probably something HUGE, had I gotten some of those things. I wouldn't be who I am right now. It's that feeling of things being taken away that drives me nuts. Makes me almost neurotic trying to figure out what happened, and what I can do to get it back. Because GOD FORBID something happen beyond my control.
"You can't always get what you want." - When Billie told me that around 6 months ago, I was appalled. But I knew there was truth in that. And now, it's finally hit where it needed to hit. I've felt the cycle in my relationships I kept repeating was always falling in love with someone who couldn't or didn't want to be with me for some reason or another. And although yes, there is some truth to that... THAT in and of itself was not the lesson. The deeper issue, the piece I've been missing, is that it's not always going to be what I want, it's not about what I want. It's about what both of us need. The cycle I've been repeating was retreating in a childlike fashion; allowing what needed to happen for as long as I could, because really, I valued my wants over my needs, which in turn made me value my wants over the wants & needs of others. Thus igniting my selfish tendencies... holy fuck that statement took my breathe away, here's the tears. What a disheartening & humbling realization. So when I absolutely cannot lie to myself anymore, that I have moments of feeling my wants are more important than the needs of myself or others, I retreat. I stop everything. That's why I always feel like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I blame myself, why I feel so fucked in the head, so confused, and why I try SO hard for others to see me as not selfish. Because that's a pretty selfish action.
The lesson here, which I learned on my yoga mat today is this moment, may not be what I want, but it's exactly what I need and when it intricately involves another person, it's exactly what THEY need as well. Retreating, childlike or not, will only bring me ANOTHER opportunity to experience a similar moment. Thus the cycle. I've retreated, without fail, every time, and really thought the issue was the entrance, "Why did I get into this AGAIN?!"... nope it was the exit I was getting wrong. My exit. It's about letting it play itself out; about fully experiencing it, whatever it has to offer, until it offers no more. Then there is no need for any kind of exit, because there was never an entrance, there was never a beginning, so no ending is needed. It's like the wind, or falling asleep. The exact moment it begins or ends cannot be determined, it seems to come from nowhere and go back to nowhere.
We don't want what we have, not for very long anyways. It gets boring, we want something different. But we don't want to want something different! We want to want what we have right? Isn't that what they say, want what you have? When the flow stops our deepest selves yearn for something different to get the flow going again. If the flow stops, we die, parts of us die. It is imperative to keep moving. And this can be as painful or as beautiful as decide it to be.
As long as this blog already is, I'm hesitant to add anymore. Yet, I can't help but to think about the phrases I've heard in the last week or so, that have resonated with me. Those phrases that seem to all find there place this morning on my yoga mat. All from people very close to my heart. "It's always about what you are or aren't getting out of our connection." "Let it be what it is" (from 3 different sources), "You can't always get what you want." I knew there was truth in each of those, the moment they were said, I just didn't know what to do with them at the time. And the ironic thing is, last night I decided to not do anything.
The most beautiful thing about awareness, is that it cannot be un-learned and makes it so much more difficult to repeat a behavior which as caused you suffering.
Love & Light
Dottie
Yoga has been one of my greatest teachers, because it simply brings you inward, back to your true nature; below the mindless chatter, the emotional turmoil, & beyond your perceived physical limitations. In one of my least favorite poses which has most often induced an IMMEDIATE emotional response of "I fucking HATE THIS POSE!" Followed by thoughts of, "This is good for me, it will help me grow, just breath into it." About 15 seconds before the teacher said to come out of it... I was DONE. I had decided it was too uncomforable, I didn't care how good it was for me, I was fucking DONE. I STILL hate this pose and *I* can come out of it anytime I want! ... and then, the flood gates of awareness opened up...
In situations that I do not want, or are not ideal according to me, I will do them momentarily, then retreat in a childlike fashion when I realize it's not what I want and nothing I'm doing is bringing about what I want. I'll go into situations, especially with relationships, with a willingness and knowing that if it weren't what I needed, I wouldn't be experiencing it. Feelings of : It's a learning process, and I'm ready for whatever it brings. Intially...
"What are you so afraid of?" - Not getting what I want, it not being what I want it to be. I've said for a long time there are only two things in life I've ever wanted and not gotten, an easy bake oven, and a treehouse. Funny how both of those are child toys right? How about this... I never got my canary yellow mustang, I never got first chair at honor band, I never got my own tuba, and I never got to be the pitcher. My eighth grade class didn't get to go to Washington D.C. and I never got to be Tyler Gillam's girlfriend. I didn't get to go to Vanderbilt university to study medicine, nor did I end up graduated, married, and having my first child by 25. But SOMETHING would be different, probably something HUGE, had I gotten some of those things. I wouldn't be who I am right now. It's that feeling of things being taken away that drives me nuts. Makes me almost neurotic trying to figure out what happened, and what I can do to get it back. Because GOD FORBID something happen beyond my control.
"You can't always get what you want." - When Billie told me that around 6 months ago, I was appalled. But I knew there was truth in that. And now, it's finally hit where it needed to hit. I've felt the cycle in my relationships I kept repeating was always falling in love with someone who couldn't or didn't want to be with me for some reason or another. And although yes, there is some truth to that... THAT in and of itself was not the lesson. The deeper issue, the piece I've been missing, is that it's not always going to be what I want, it's not about what I want. It's about what both of us need. The cycle I've been repeating was retreating in a childlike fashion; allowing what needed to happen for as long as I could, because really, I valued my wants over my needs, which in turn made me value my wants over the wants & needs of others. Thus igniting my selfish tendencies... holy fuck that statement took my breathe away, here's the tears. What a disheartening & humbling realization. So when I absolutely cannot lie to myself anymore, that I have moments of feeling my wants are more important than the needs of myself or others, I retreat. I stop everything. That's why I always feel like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I blame myself, why I feel so fucked in the head, so confused, and why I try SO hard for others to see me as not selfish. Because that's a pretty selfish action.
The lesson here, which I learned on my yoga mat today is this moment, may not be what I want, but it's exactly what I need and when it intricately involves another person, it's exactly what THEY need as well. Retreating, childlike or not, will only bring me ANOTHER opportunity to experience a similar moment. Thus the cycle. I've retreated, without fail, every time, and really thought the issue was the entrance, "Why did I get into this AGAIN?!"... nope it was the exit I was getting wrong. My exit. It's about letting it play itself out; about fully experiencing it, whatever it has to offer, until it offers no more. Then there is no need for any kind of exit, because there was never an entrance, there was never a beginning, so no ending is needed. It's like the wind, or falling asleep. The exact moment it begins or ends cannot be determined, it seems to come from nowhere and go back to nowhere.
We don't want what we have, not for very long anyways. It gets boring, we want something different. But we don't want to want something different! We want to want what we have right? Isn't that what they say, want what you have? When the flow stops our deepest selves yearn for something different to get the flow going again. If the flow stops, we die, parts of us die. It is imperative to keep moving. And this can be as painful or as beautiful as decide it to be.
As long as this blog already is, I'm hesitant to add anymore. Yet, I can't help but to think about the phrases I've heard in the last week or so, that have resonated with me. Those phrases that seem to all find there place this morning on my yoga mat. All from people very close to my heart. "It's always about what you are or aren't getting out of our connection." "Let it be what it is" (from 3 different sources), "You can't always get what you want." I knew there was truth in each of those, the moment they were said, I just didn't know what to do with them at the time. And the ironic thing is, last night I decided to not do anything.
The most beautiful thing about awareness, is that it cannot be un-learned and makes it so much more difficult to repeat a behavior which as caused you suffering.
Love & Light
Dottie
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Why I Blog
"Why do I blog and post it on fb? Making it available for so many to see?"
I asked myself this question some time ago in attempts to check my ego. To be sure I had not decided somewhere along the line in my self-centered tendencies that my life was just SOOO interesting that people awaited each & every blog. Keeping myself humble, I periodically review my motives & intentions. There are few things more beautiful than a humble, grateful woman.
I blog for a few reasons, first and foremost because writing has always been my safest outlet since I was 12. It's extremely therapeutic. Many times, I just write, without conscious thought, I just write. And thousands of times, I've looked back through old journal entries and found that the answer I was seeking was written on the very page I had asked the question. I came to the conclusion, that the answer was always with me. All I have to do is write, not searching for an answer, because it will come, but just write. Sometimes I can see the answer right away. Whenever I've underlined anything in my blog its because I instantaneously recognize that as an answer to a question I have been asking.
I make it available for different reasons. I have to believe that I have been through hell & back, a handful of times for different reasons so I can better serve a higher purpose. So I can relate to more people and help them to come out of hell too. So I can say, "I've been where you are, I know that pain you're feeling. You don't have to feel this way anymore." I spend time everyday reflecting & meditating on life. Sometimes, answers come when I least expect it, like when I'm walking out of Denny's, or when I'm blow drying my hair, or when I'm going like a mad woman on the precor at the gym. Who am I to keep this a secret? To keep this to myself. A moment of enlightenment, that can help someone else too? I have no idea when I'm going to say something, that may change someones life. Random people have said 4 or 5 worlds in passing that have changed the way I looked at something forever. I follow my heart, say what I feel, and make it accessible for people to "stumble upon." Many of my blogs are very personal. They show heartache, failures & successes, obstacles, miracles, things people may disagree with or not believe, things that may hurt others feelings, or cause people to be angry with me. Within these words there is potential for misinterpretation, humiliation, opportunities for people to judge me, or change the way they think about me, but none of this is of my concern. My intention is connect people. To expose my strengths & weaknesses as a teaching tool, for myself & others and inspire others to do the same so we can all heal. My hope is to encourage others to write, speak up, and not be so afraid of the pain they have experienced. Because there is not one person on this planet that has never felt shame, pain, guilt, or any of the other feelings we try and hide. We are not perfect. Not one of us. The closest bonds of friendships are built when we let our guard down, when we find out that OMG, THAT person has been through this exact same experience. It's like we are instantly friends, because we share a similar story, and feel we can talk about in openly. Guess what, there are probably three other people in your life that share that story too, but we don't easily talk about our deepest fears or most painful memories, blogging opens that door.
This blog is called Light, Lessons, & Love for a reason. Because in every situation, that's what I look for. The Light of the Divine for guidance, the lesson so I can learn & teach others, and Love because that's all that exists anyway. When I focus on these three things... everything else falls away.
In Love & Light,
Dottie
"How beautiful & liberating it must be to have nothing to hide." - Matthew Kelly
I asked myself this question some time ago in attempts to check my ego. To be sure I had not decided somewhere along the line in my self-centered tendencies that my life was just SOOO interesting that people awaited each & every blog. Keeping myself humble, I periodically review my motives & intentions. There are few things more beautiful than a humble, grateful woman.
I blog for a few reasons, first and foremost because writing has always been my safest outlet since I was 12. It's extremely therapeutic. Many times, I just write, without conscious thought, I just write. And thousands of times, I've looked back through old journal entries and found that the answer I was seeking was written on the very page I had asked the question. I came to the conclusion, that the answer was always with me. All I have to do is write, not searching for an answer, because it will come, but just write. Sometimes I can see the answer right away. Whenever I've underlined anything in my blog its because I instantaneously recognize that as an answer to a question I have been asking.
I make it available for different reasons. I have to believe that I have been through hell & back, a handful of times for different reasons so I can better serve a higher purpose. So I can relate to more people and help them to come out of hell too. So I can say, "I've been where you are, I know that pain you're feeling. You don't have to feel this way anymore." I spend time everyday reflecting & meditating on life. Sometimes, answers come when I least expect it, like when I'm walking out of Denny's, or when I'm blow drying my hair, or when I'm going like a mad woman on the precor at the gym. Who am I to keep this a secret? To keep this to myself. A moment of enlightenment, that can help someone else too? I have no idea when I'm going to say something, that may change someones life. Random people have said 4 or 5 worlds in passing that have changed the way I looked at something forever. I follow my heart, say what I feel, and make it accessible for people to "stumble upon." Many of my blogs are very personal. They show heartache, failures & successes, obstacles, miracles, things people may disagree with or not believe, things that may hurt others feelings, or cause people to be angry with me. Within these words there is potential for misinterpretation, humiliation, opportunities for people to judge me, or change the way they think about me, but none of this is of my concern. My intention is connect people. To expose my strengths & weaknesses as a teaching tool, for myself & others and inspire others to do the same so we can all heal. My hope is to encourage others to write, speak up, and not be so afraid of the pain they have experienced. Because there is not one person on this planet that has never felt shame, pain, guilt, or any of the other feelings we try and hide. We are not perfect. Not one of us. The closest bonds of friendships are built when we let our guard down, when we find out that OMG, THAT person has been through this exact same experience. It's like we are instantly friends, because we share a similar story, and feel we can talk about in openly. Guess what, there are probably three other people in your life that share that story too, but we don't easily talk about our deepest fears or most painful memories, blogging opens that door.
This blog is called Light, Lessons, & Love for a reason. Because in every situation, that's what I look for. The Light of the Divine for guidance, the lesson so I can learn & teach others, and Love because that's all that exists anyway. When I focus on these three things... everything else falls away.
In Love & Light,
Dottie
"How beautiful & liberating it must be to have nothing to hide." - Matthew Kelly
Monday, June 13, 2011
Motives & Perceptions (Finally Published)
"What are you looking for?"
A question that stopped me in my tracks as I was going going and forth between S & J's facebok page. Checking out their recent activity, their status', clicking the links to any females pages I thought they may be "talking to"... who was this L chic anyway? They were at the gym together on the 9th. They are in a picture together at what looks like a wedding are they dating? He has his arm around her. Let me check her out, hmmm do I think she's pretty? She looks old. And who's these two new women J is friends with now? Did he meet her on POF? Am I his favorite? When where these pictures taken? How often do they interact with this or that femle... let's check the "see friendship" link. Dammit, why do people have their pages so "private" ... lame. (Yet, mine is private.)
What was I looking for? What am I looking for when I go through thier pages as if I'm on a scavanger hunt and the prize is oxygen? Validation. A go ahead. Something that leads me to believe that I am the only woman they are talking to or interested in. That I have no competition, because I'm extremely competitive, and I'm not used to loosing, and don't handle it well. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Wow. To take it a step further, could it be that I won't even fight for their attention because somewhere inside of me I feel like I"m going to loose anyway? A false belief that they will always choose the other woman. Because she's going to be better than me? In my head, the other woman is always prettier, less crazy, more adept at maintaining a relationship, and must know how to "date", she's probably had more practice than me. I easily allow other women to build or tear away at my self esteem. Wow, well here lies a newly revealed issue, I'm constantly comparing myself to other women. I'm either better than you, or you're better than me. I've been told my ENTIRE life that actions speak louder than words, I don't even listen to people. I just watch them, caue that's where the truth is right? But my perception of their actions squew's the truth. Just as their own motives & perceptions shape what they say, my own motives & perceptions shape what I see, and how I see it. J interacts with very few woman on fb, yet he comments on tons of my stuff... status's, photos, etc. He must like me more than any of the others right? Otherwise he wouldn't be all over my fb page, and then asking me about my pictures. I don't know that. Assumptions are dangerous.
What am I looking for? I ask again because I want to know if there is more. Reasons to be jealous, bitchy, and chaotic? Because isn't that just part of it? You get a little jealous so you have something to talk about with your girlfriends? Something to obsess about because I get bored? A superficial reflection. An excuse to not go to the REAL issue, the deeper issue. Because I feel like I've went there so many times and come back empty handed. I KNOW, I'm missing something, so when I muster up enough energy or the pain is so overwhelming, I revist that place. That invisible place inside of me that pushes me to indulge in obssesive, chaotic, & self-sabotaging behaviors. I said earlier that I've always come back empty handed, that's not true. I've been there hundreds of times and have brought up & released tons of stale old energy that no longer serves me. But it's like it's all on various shelves, and I've still got a few rows of stuff to sift through on the shelf labeled "Romantic Relationships" That makes me smile. It's funny. I like metaphors & I like being able to see something within my head, so I know where I'm at with it, and what's left to do. Funny thing is, why am I seeing it as a food pantry? With cans of food lining it? Twice yesterday, I sat to go within and within minutes I was "hungry" & reaching for food. I was clearly hearing guidance from my Spiritual teachers that I was about to eat my feelings. I wasn't not hungry. To put the food down, feel what I was feeling, and write it out. This would be an awesome blog to post, but I don't want either one of these fellas knowing to what extent I creeped their facebook page yesterday. I'm ashamed. It's that "But, I've been doing SOO GOOD!" feeling. Ego. Today is a different day. If yoga has taught me anything, it has taught me that everyday is different. Everyday my body is different, my mind is different, the setting is different (temp, people, placement of my mat within the room, the teacher, time, weather, etc) Today I may be able to hold that dragon pose for 10 breaths & smile, tomorrow I may come out of it in 3 breaths and PISSED. The point is...it's okay & always erfect, keep breathing. To give in to that which is. To see things as they are right now, now how I want them to be, wish them to be, or want to pretend they are... but exactly as they are, right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
A question that stopped me in my tracks as I was going going and forth between S & J's facebok page. Checking out their recent activity, their status', clicking the links to any females pages I thought they may be "talking to"... who was this L chic anyway? They were at the gym together on the 9th. They are in a picture together at what looks like a wedding are they dating? He has his arm around her. Let me check her out, hmmm do I think she's pretty? She looks old. And who's these two new women J is friends with now? Did he meet her on POF? Am I his favorite? When where these pictures taken? How often do they interact with this or that femle... let's check the "see friendship" link. Dammit, why do people have their pages so "private" ... lame. (Yet, mine is private.)
What was I looking for? What am I looking for when I go through thier pages as if I'm on a scavanger hunt and the prize is oxygen? Validation. A go ahead. Something that leads me to believe that I am the only woman they are talking to or interested in. That I have no competition, because I'm extremely competitive, and I'm not used to loosing, and don't handle it well. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Wow. To take it a step further, could it be that I won't even fight for their attention because somewhere inside of me I feel like I"m going to loose anyway? A false belief that they will always choose the other woman. Because she's going to be better than me? In my head, the other woman is always prettier, less crazy, more adept at maintaining a relationship, and must know how to "date", she's probably had more practice than me. I easily allow other women to build or tear away at my self esteem. Wow, well here lies a newly revealed issue, I'm constantly comparing myself to other women. I'm either better than you, or you're better than me. I've been told my ENTIRE life that actions speak louder than words, I don't even listen to people. I just watch them, caue that's where the truth is right? But my perception of their actions squew's the truth. Just as their own motives & perceptions shape what they say, my own motives & perceptions shape what I see, and how I see it. J interacts with very few woman on fb, yet he comments on tons of my stuff... status's, photos, etc. He must like me more than any of the others right? Otherwise he wouldn't be all over my fb page, and then asking me about my pictures. I don't know that. Assumptions are dangerous.
What am I looking for? I ask again because I want to know if there is more. Reasons to be jealous, bitchy, and chaotic? Because isn't that just part of it? You get a little jealous so you have something to talk about with your girlfriends? Something to obsess about because I get bored? A superficial reflection. An excuse to not go to the REAL issue, the deeper issue. Because I feel like I've went there so many times and come back empty handed. I KNOW, I'm missing something, so when I muster up enough energy or the pain is so overwhelming, I revist that place. That invisible place inside of me that pushes me to indulge in obssesive, chaotic, & self-sabotaging behaviors. I said earlier that I've always come back empty handed, that's not true. I've been there hundreds of times and have brought up & released tons of stale old energy that no longer serves me. But it's like it's all on various shelves, and I've still got a few rows of stuff to sift through on the shelf labeled "Romantic Relationships" That makes me smile. It's funny. I like metaphors & I like being able to see something within my head, so I know where I'm at with it, and what's left to do. Funny thing is, why am I seeing it as a food pantry? With cans of food lining it? Twice yesterday, I sat to go within and within minutes I was "hungry" & reaching for food. I was clearly hearing guidance from my Spiritual teachers that I was about to eat my feelings. I wasn't not hungry. To put the food down, feel what I was feeling, and write it out. This would be an awesome blog to post, but I don't want either one of these fellas knowing to what extent I creeped their facebook page yesterday. I'm ashamed. It's that "But, I've been doing SOO GOOD!" feeling. Ego. Today is a different day. If yoga has taught me anything, it has taught me that everyday is different. Everyday my body is different, my mind is different, the setting is different (temp, people, placement of my mat within the room, the teacher, time, weather, etc) Today I may be able to hold that dragon pose for 10 breaths & smile, tomorrow I may come out of it in 3 breaths and PISSED. The point is...it's okay & always erfect, keep breathing. To give in to that which is. To see things as they are right now, now how I want them to be, wish them to be, or want to pretend they are... but exactly as they are, right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Room to ....
"Give the person next you, all the room they need."
...what my yoga teacher said this morning as we were going into a spinal twist, for whatevever reason, this struck a cord with me. It resonated on a level of which it seemed to allow a handful of things to fall into their rightful place. An, a ha moment if you will. I had to concsiously bring myself back to the moment because a hundred understandings flew through my mind, and I wanted to jump up right then and blog about it. Instead, I sat with it, I breathed with it, and I had an amazing practice this morning. This is a beautiful example of being concious of what you say, because you never know when or how your words will move someone else, sometimes it takes a single sentece to change a life.
"Give the person next to you, all the room they need." I say it twice because it can be a very powerful statement. Of course this goes far beyond the yoga mat. Room to be who they are, become who they are. Room to expierence. Room to grow & change. Room to take the path laid out before them. Room to think, create, and even self destruct if that is what is happening at that moment. Every expierence, whether labeled good or bad... got us exactly where we are right now. Who are we to interfere? How often do we intrude our thoughts, beliefs, expierences, desires, etc onto other people's space? How often do we inturde their space because we want what they have? I'm not saying to not love, not be there, not offer a helping hand... just give them the space they need at that moment. As each moment fades into the next, they made need less space, they may need more.... but give it to them.
Thank you Roxanne for being such an amazing teacher <3
Love & Light,
Dottie
...what my yoga teacher said this morning as we were going into a spinal twist, for whatevever reason, this struck a cord with me. It resonated on a level of which it seemed to allow a handful of things to fall into their rightful place. An, a ha moment if you will. I had to concsiously bring myself back to the moment because a hundred understandings flew through my mind, and I wanted to jump up right then and blog about it. Instead, I sat with it, I breathed with it, and I had an amazing practice this morning. This is a beautiful example of being concious of what you say, because you never know when or how your words will move someone else, sometimes it takes a single sentece to change a life.
"Give the person next to you, all the room they need." I say it twice because it can be a very powerful statement. Of course this goes far beyond the yoga mat. Room to be who they are, become who they are. Room to expierence. Room to grow & change. Room to take the path laid out before them. Room to think, create, and even self destruct if that is what is happening at that moment. Every expierence, whether labeled good or bad... got us exactly where we are right now. Who are we to interfere? How often do we intrude our thoughts, beliefs, expierences, desires, etc onto other people's space? How often do we inturde their space because we want what they have? I'm not saying to not love, not be there, not offer a helping hand... just give them the space they need at that moment. As each moment fades into the next, they made need less space, they may need more.... but give it to them.
Thank you Roxanne for being such an amazing teacher <3
Love & Light,
Dottie
Friday, April 8, 2011
Forgiveness
"I read your post and while I was reading it, a question popped into my head. I'd like to know what you think. Have I forgiven someone if I sometimes feel negative feelings about that person?"
This was an email I received from a friend after they read one of my previous blogs. I was kind of excited, having felt like one of those people in the magazines that people write in with questions. haha I was like yaaay. Almost as excited I was when I realized I had two new followers and NO idea who they were! Within just a few moments that excitement turned into arrogance, and my ego was ready to go to town on this question. SO, I prayed. I meditated. And two hours later... I answered his question, just before asking God to be guide my words, and push my ego aside. I'm interested to hear how other people feel about this very same question. So please, leave comments if you wish! "Have we forgiven someone if we sometimes feel negative feelings about that person?"
I keep wanting to say no, but I have a few elaborations I'd like to share.
Forgiving someone totally and fully for everything I'd say you would have ZERO negative feelings for them. You would feel only love for them as a person. Doesn't mean you're gonna be there best friend or even have to talk to them, but every time you think of them for any reason, Love is all you feel in your heart. You truly wish them all the good in the world, that you would have for yourself and more. You want only the best for them.
Let's say it's someone your friends with now. You can forgive someone for doing whatever a year ago, but then they can do something last week and now your angry again. Does that mean you didn't forgive them last year? Not necessarily, you may or may not have. But lets say you did. So you legitimately forgave them last year, now this year... you feel a resentment boiling. You can call it addict thinking, you can call it ego bullshit, you can call it negativity, it doesn't really matter.... whatever IT is that fuels the feeling of unforgiveness/anger/resentment/negative thoughts will grow larger wherever ANY unloving thoughts reside; a forest fire literally starts from a spark.
Also, I'd ask myself is it really even them? Right now I'm working through some issues I have with a girl I go to school with. She seems to really like me, but I have my own issues with her. Those negative thoughts are grown more from a lack of acceptance of who she is, but my question then becomes... What is she reflecting back at me that I refuse to accept about/within myself?
I've thought about my feelings towards her a lot.. and here's what I've come up with (but this is as far as I've gotten) I'm afraid she's going to push my buttons, and the calm, serene Dottie is going to go right out the window and I'm going to rip her apart with my words in front of an audience. The reason this bothers me (one more layer of the onion) is that I have a deep rooted fear of what other people think about me. SO if I do that, what are they going to think? Are they going to think I'm a fake? (am I being fake?) Are they going to think I"m crazy? (Am I crazy?) Are other people going to be afraid of me? So really, her being who she is, (that I am not accepting of right now), somehow hits some of my most delicate issues (which are rooted in fear). Because yeah, deep down, I'm afraid that maybe I AM really just fucking nuts and need to be locked up somewhere. So until I'm strong and confident in who I am and where I'm at right now... I just might always have negative thoughts about (and I quote with a sarcastic grin) "her" :) Because really, it's not about her, or him, or whoever. It's about us.
What are we really feeling? Is it betrayal? Anger? Guilt? Shame? Fear? I think the fuzzier or more vague the answer appears the deeper the core issue lies. I've been doing some exercises from a book about weight loss and I made a list of everyone I held unloving thoughts of. Which to me was similar to a resentment list but it took it one step further. Resentments are HUGE, but they start somewhere, possibly from tiny unloving thoughts? You put in a room with a people where I harbor maybe one or two unloving thoughts a piece, I'm gonna start feeling REALLY uncomfortable.
Example: thoughts I've had at a meeting before. "Why does he always where those fucking jogging pants, disgusting. She needs to wash her hair, Oh.. here we go again.. same shit different day... either change or quit bitching. Where is so and so, omg are they back out? Oh shit, I think I owe her an amends. Ugh, I really don't like that guy... and couldn't tell you why" THEN I feel guilt because some of these may be people I genuinely care for, and we may even consider each other a friend! And I start question what kind of friend am I if I sit here and smile in their face and have all these terrible thoughts about them?! So how can I have these feelings about them? Because it's not about them, it's about me :) What do I feel is disgusting about myself? What do I whine about and never change? How afraid am I that *I* may go back out?
So, wow. I had no idea this would be this long, but I hope it answers your question or helps in some way, lol. :) When making my list I needed a gauge to kind see who I had unloving thoughts for.... I decided upon a hug gauge. I imagined that person asking for a hug. How hesitant was I to give that hug? And what were my thoughts just after they asked?
Awareness & willingness. The rest will unfold effortlessly, because you're not the one doing it anyway ;).
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, March 7, 2011
Balance, Patience, Assertiveness, and Learning To Feel Again
Well, I'm not wanting to sleep apparently. I've not slept will this week. But when I asked myself what it is I'd rather be doing... I couldn't think of anything. So here I am. I've thought alot about being heard, respect, being assertive. So often I act like what I say doesn't matter, it does. It really does. I thought of Dee and how he just does not listen to me, he could care less what I have to say. So why would I waste my time talking ot him? We all deserve to be heard. As far as being assertive, there are people in my life that I feel I could do without, for instance Cathy. I have no desire for her to be in my life. And right now, I can't think of anyone else, no one that tries contacting me on the regular. Assertive is defined as confident aggression. There is a twinge of fear because I know there are some assertive lessons coming... right now the themes are balance with control, assertiveness, and patience. That's a hell of a combo if you ask me... that and learning to feel again. Opening up my heart and throat chakras.
I've thought of Scott. Amazed how how differently I've handled things as opposed to how I used to. It was shown to me that the cycle of being with someone that didn't want a relationship was over... Scott doesn't want a relationship therefore we aren't in one. It's not this half-ass shit like with Dee. It's over. For now anyways. But I found gratitude in that, that I wasn't caught up in another situation where I wanted more, he didn't, but gave me just enough to allow feelings to grow inside of me. I thought of calling/txting him several times today, but I kept reminding myself... if he wanted to talk to me, he'd contact me. He's a big boy. I'm worthy of being pursued, of being missed, of being thougth about and desired for. I'm worth all of that and more. Right now I'm keeping it to myself, lovign myself, and acknowledging my own beauty and power. Right now there's not a man in my life that is close enough or deserving enough for me to throw myself at them and flaunt my positive characteristics to try and reel them in, ha. And to keep myself honest, not a man that wants me too. lol Well there are a couple but not one's that I want to be with. They aren't waht I want. There is a strength that has manifested itself within me, and I"m liking it. I don't know if I'd be happy with him. There's a lot I don't know actually. A lot I will never know. Exaushting myself to find out all the answers is a waste of my time and energy, yet I've spent my whole life trying to figure everything out. I've had to be reminded who God is and who I am, because I've been trying to get God to carry out MY will... you can laugh, it's funny. It's all funny. Settling into quietness allows me to see my life like a movie, I'm an observer instead of the director.
I breathe. Breathing into my heart/throat chakras. I've spent lots of time in meditation lately exploring some issues. Seems my being ignored hatred comes from my mother. When I look into the world all I see is pain. I try to take it all on and get rid of it, but I can't. I'm angry at Mandy for the same reason I'm angry at my mohter, I took on their pain because I coudln't get rid of THEIR pain, but I could get rid of my own pain... so I made it mine, and I've carried it for some time. I'm done carrying other people's pain. I don't need to. I don't have to be afraid to feel because there is more than just pain in the world. There is love, either way... I don't have to take on either one, I can simply observe. Come out of my head, that's what Billie told me, that's what my card told me today... come out of my head and allow my heart to make some of the decisions. I can do that. There are things I need. There are people I need. Although I don't like to admit it there are "You act like you don't need me cause your afraid of being needy, you want your cake and eat it too I call that being greedy" - I love that line. It's from the Alone Again Remix. My Uncle, I need him. I like to think I need no one, nothing. That I alone can soley create a magnificent life for myself. The truth is, no I don't know for sure where I'd be without my Uncle, but something tells me I wouldn't be here. I like to think that I'm exactly were I'm suppose to be and with or without my Uncle I'd be here. But i'm nto so sure these days. He's here because I need him. I need people. I can't take life on alone.... THAT is the last addiction. Or so says the lady who wrote the book.
I've had several overwhelming desires to hit several meetings lately, and when I asked myself why I heard "Because I need to be reminded that I'm not God." I don't ahve to avoid everything I don't entirely agree with, I can learn to be assertive and express my stance without fear. To be okay with people questioning and disagreeing. To have faith in my ability to express myself. <- That is important. Baxter has been driving me nuts, Cathy has been driving me nuts, Dee has been getting on my nerves, and I have zero desire to talk to Mandy. I know there is an amends to be made, but until I know exactly what it is I'm sorry for and how to express it, I'm not talking to her. I see Cathy and I's relationship going in the same direction, I might as well nip it in the butt right now.
I'm going to 12 steps and beyond for the first time in a while tomorrow. I keep hearing Billie's voice reminding me that we don't know what's going to happen, ever, and that's okay. Ah, the joys of being a psychic :) Learning how to trust, but not actively try and bring about what it is you saw. To know that it's coming, naturally and just by flowing in the current of Love you are co-creating, conciously tryign to create invites the ego....
Some things I wonder if I'll ever change... my fb stalking tendencies... that alone makes me smile, brings some tears to my eyes. There is soooo much changing in my life right now. Changes are being made within and around me. It's beautiful. I've made tenative plans to be out of my Uncle's house before the first of next year. Details, I'm constantly leaving up to God. I'm amazed at how it seems Scott was a catalyst for SOOO much of the stuff I've learned and reflected upon over the last 3 weeks or so. It's just amazing. Beyond what my human mind can fathom. I almost forgot what it was like to not be able to sleep. I was reminded the other day when I saw Suzanne what it was like to be in so lost in so much pain. God bless her. I'm grateful for my sobriety. I've decided on March 12 I'm celebrating 3 years of sobriety. I've worked hard earning that. I will not hide or deny that I drank in September... but I'm not going to discount myself either for the 2 and ahalf years of work I put int BEFORE that night in September. There is osme fear there as how people are going to handle it, but (as I take a deep breathe) That's not something I can worry about. I feel like I earned it, and I'm going to congratulate myself.
Right now in this dark room, with the same song "All I need" playing over and over, I breathe deep and ask myself what I feel. I feel overwhelming Love. Tears want to come to my eyes. But I know there is more that I'm not feeling right now. I feel calm. I feel content? I'm not sure. I'm hoping all this rambling will allow me to sleep. Good night God, thanks for listening. ;)
Dottie
I've thought of Scott. Amazed how how differently I've handled things as opposed to how I used to. It was shown to me that the cycle of being with someone that didn't want a relationship was over... Scott doesn't want a relationship therefore we aren't in one. It's not this half-ass shit like with Dee. It's over. For now anyways. But I found gratitude in that, that I wasn't caught up in another situation where I wanted more, he didn't, but gave me just enough to allow feelings to grow inside of me. I thought of calling/txting him several times today, but I kept reminding myself... if he wanted to talk to me, he'd contact me. He's a big boy. I'm worthy of being pursued, of being missed, of being thougth about and desired for. I'm worth all of that and more. Right now I'm keeping it to myself, lovign myself, and acknowledging my own beauty and power. Right now there's not a man in my life that is close enough or deserving enough for me to throw myself at them and flaunt my positive characteristics to try and reel them in, ha. And to keep myself honest, not a man that wants me too. lol Well there are a couple but not one's that I want to be with. They aren't waht I want. There is a strength that has manifested itself within me, and I"m liking it. I don't know if I'd be happy with him. There's a lot I don't know actually. A lot I will never know. Exaushting myself to find out all the answers is a waste of my time and energy, yet I've spent my whole life trying to figure everything out. I've had to be reminded who God is and who I am, because I've been trying to get God to carry out MY will... you can laugh, it's funny. It's all funny. Settling into quietness allows me to see my life like a movie, I'm an observer instead of the director.
I breathe. Breathing into my heart/throat chakras. I've spent lots of time in meditation lately exploring some issues. Seems my being ignored hatred comes from my mother. When I look into the world all I see is pain. I try to take it all on and get rid of it, but I can't. I'm angry at Mandy for the same reason I'm angry at my mohter, I took on their pain because I coudln't get rid of THEIR pain, but I could get rid of my own pain... so I made it mine, and I've carried it for some time. I'm done carrying other people's pain. I don't need to. I don't have to be afraid to feel because there is more than just pain in the world. There is love, either way... I don't have to take on either one, I can simply observe. Come out of my head, that's what Billie told me, that's what my card told me today... come out of my head and allow my heart to make some of the decisions. I can do that. There are things I need. There are people I need. Although I don't like to admit it there are "You act like you don't need me cause your afraid of being needy, you want your cake and eat it too I call that being greedy" - I love that line. It's from the Alone Again Remix. My Uncle, I need him. I like to think I need no one, nothing. That I alone can soley create a magnificent life for myself. The truth is, no I don't know for sure where I'd be without my Uncle, but something tells me I wouldn't be here. I like to think that I'm exactly were I'm suppose to be and with or without my Uncle I'd be here. But i'm nto so sure these days. He's here because I need him. I need people. I can't take life on alone.... THAT is the last addiction. Or so says the lady who wrote the book.
I've had several overwhelming desires to hit several meetings lately, and when I asked myself why I heard "Because I need to be reminded that I'm not God." I don't ahve to avoid everything I don't entirely agree with, I can learn to be assertive and express my stance without fear. To be okay with people questioning and disagreeing. To have faith in my ability to express myself. <- That is important. Baxter has been driving me nuts, Cathy has been driving me nuts, Dee has been getting on my nerves, and I have zero desire to talk to Mandy. I know there is an amends to be made, but until I know exactly what it is I'm sorry for and how to express it, I'm not talking to her. I see Cathy and I's relationship going in the same direction, I might as well nip it in the butt right now.
I'm going to 12 steps and beyond for the first time in a while tomorrow. I keep hearing Billie's voice reminding me that we don't know what's going to happen, ever, and that's okay. Ah, the joys of being a psychic :) Learning how to trust, but not actively try and bring about what it is you saw. To know that it's coming, naturally and just by flowing in the current of Love you are co-creating, conciously tryign to create invites the ego....
Some things I wonder if I'll ever change... my fb stalking tendencies... that alone makes me smile, brings some tears to my eyes. There is soooo much changing in my life right now. Changes are being made within and around me. It's beautiful. I've made tenative plans to be out of my Uncle's house before the first of next year. Details, I'm constantly leaving up to God. I'm amazed at how it seems Scott was a catalyst for SOOO much of the stuff I've learned and reflected upon over the last 3 weeks or so. It's just amazing. Beyond what my human mind can fathom. I almost forgot what it was like to not be able to sleep. I was reminded the other day when I saw Suzanne what it was like to be in so lost in so much pain. God bless her. I'm grateful for my sobriety. I've decided on March 12 I'm celebrating 3 years of sobriety. I've worked hard earning that. I will not hide or deny that I drank in September... but I'm not going to discount myself either for the 2 and ahalf years of work I put int BEFORE that night in September. There is osme fear there as how people are going to handle it, but (as I take a deep breathe) That's not something I can worry about. I feel like I earned it, and I'm going to congratulate myself.
Right now in this dark room, with the same song "All I need" playing over and over, I breathe deep and ask myself what I feel. I feel overwhelming Love. Tears want to come to my eyes. But I know there is more that I'm not feeling right now. I feel calm. I feel content? I'm not sure. I'm hoping all this rambling will allow me to sleep. Good night God, thanks for listening. ;)
Dottie
Friday, January 21, 2011
Being Single
I was skimming through pictures of an old friend that had just added me on facebook... combined with a Brian McKnights "I'll be" playing in the background... stirred up the desire to write, so here I am.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am single because I have chosen to be so. I look at my facebook covered with pictures of myself, my cat, statuses about school, weight loss, and life. Love, there is Love, but more so in the sense of that being all that is. Not focused on romantic love. Slowely I've transformed, everything I was, into everything I am now, yet they are so different. Like a line in the sand has been drawn, the last "checkpoint" as I lovingly call them has been crossed, for a while anyway. There are more, I'm sure of it. I want to be single. I enjoy it. I enjoy spending my time, energy, and money on myself. On my growth, my spirituality, my friends, my family. And that's okay. Every bit of it is absolutely okay. I've given much thought to my last relationship, all though he doesn't call it that... a relationship is defined as "an emotional or other connection between people." That being said, I look back on that relationship, which I have given a year and decided a few months ago I was done. It wasn't what I wanted, I took the lessons and the Love and walked away. He seems to be coming around a little more, but I have no desire to be his friend. I also have no desire to be WITH him in any shape form or fashion. There is still Love, Love never goes anywhere, it cannot be made, destroyed, taken away, given... it's just there, always, flowing freely in, out and around.
Right now. I feel stronger than I've felt in years. Solid. Emotionally Stable. As if from this point on I have the choice as to how hard I shall struggle with ANYTHING in life. For the first time, I trully believe the worst is now behind me. Like I"m standing in the aftermath of category 5 hurricane, in rubble, with the sun shining on my face, unscoothed, with my arms spread wide, a smile on my face and gratitiude and Love pourign from my soul like water from a fire hydrant. Nothing will compare to this. I survived.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am single because I have chosen to be so. I look at my facebook covered with pictures of myself, my cat, statuses about school, weight loss, and life. Love, there is Love, but more so in the sense of that being all that is. Not focused on romantic love. Slowely I've transformed, everything I was, into everything I am now, yet they are so different. Like a line in the sand has been drawn, the last "checkpoint" as I lovingly call them has been crossed, for a while anyway. There are more, I'm sure of it. I want to be single. I enjoy it. I enjoy spending my time, energy, and money on myself. On my growth, my spirituality, my friends, my family. And that's okay. Every bit of it is absolutely okay. I've given much thought to my last relationship, all though he doesn't call it that... a relationship is defined as "an emotional or other connection between people." That being said, I look back on that relationship, which I have given a year and decided a few months ago I was done. It wasn't what I wanted, I took the lessons and the Love and walked away. He seems to be coming around a little more, but I have no desire to be his friend. I also have no desire to be WITH him in any shape form or fashion. There is still Love, Love never goes anywhere, it cannot be made, destroyed, taken away, given... it's just there, always, flowing freely in, out and around.
Right now. I feel stronger than I've felt in years. Solid. Emotionally Stable. As if from this point on I have the choice as to how hard I shall struggle with ANYTHING in life. For the first time, I trully believe the worst is now behind me. Like I"m standing in the aftermath of category 5 hurricane, in rubble, with the sun shining on my face, unscoothed, with my arms spread wide, a smile on my face and gratitiude and Love pourign from my soul like water from a fire hydrant. Nothing will compare to this. I survived.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Life I've Chosen To Live
"Is this in alignment with the life I've chosen to Live?"
I question I heard on the way home from Mt. Clemens. Within that question a knowningness. I knew that question was one to ask myself on a daily basis, a moment to moment basis. Every action, inaction, decision, bite of food, piece of writing, feild of study, friend, relationship, etc.... Every single thing about my life. Is it in alignment with the life I've chosen to live? Which may go beyond just the obvious life I've chosen to live as the incarnate Dottie Hollingsworth. It goes deeper than that. I chose the life I wanted to live before I was even born, and thus far, I've spent my whole life doing just that, and figuring out exactly what that is without a single moment of mistake.
The next question was, "What is the life I've chosen to live?" One of awareness. One of balance, integrity, and Love. To find gratitude in every moment. To create meaningful, deep relationship with people in my life as to help each other be and live at our highest potential. One free of earthly addictions secondary to maintaing that balance and awareness. A concious decision to honor the gifts of the earth. To remember the sacridity of that which we as people so often take for granted. Like the presence of a tree that gives freely of itself to clear the pollutants that we as humans fill the air with, and exihibits an unconditional giving by re-growing itself after being plucked from it's life source. It does so in Love. Thats the life I want to live. May my human frailty never be forgotten by me, and may I remember always know that I am still human. Without judgement, anger, or fear may I embrace every part and peice of who I am. Allowing my breath to be a connector between myself and all that Is.
"Do whatever your heart and soul truly desire, but do it in Love..." < That is in alignment with the life I've chosen to live.
Namaste
Dottie
I question I heard on the way home from Mt. Clemens. Within that question a knowningness. I knew that question was one to ask myself on a daily basis, a moment to moment basis. Every action, inaction, decision, bite of food, piece of writing, feild of study, friend, relationship, etc.... Every single thing about my life. Is it in alignment with the life I've chosen to live? Which may go beyond just the obvious life I've chosen to live as the incarnate Dottie Hollingsworth. It goes deeper than that. I chose the life I wanted to live before I was even born, and thus far, I've spent my whole life doing just that, and figuring out exactly what that is without a single moment of mistake.
The next question was, "What is the life I've chosen to live?" One of awareness. One of balance, integrity, and Love. To find gratitude in every moment. To create meaningful, deep relationship with people in my life as to help each other be and live at our highest potential. One free of earthly addictions secondary to maintaing that balance and awareness. A concious decision to honor the gifts of the earth. To remember the sacridity of that which we as people so often take for granted. Like the presence of a tree that gives freely of itself to clear the pollutants that we as humans fill the air with, and exihibits an unconditional giving by re-growing itself after being plucked from it's life source. It does so in Love. Thats the life I want to live. May my human frailty never be forgotten by me, and may I remember always know that I am still human. Without judgement, anger, or fear may I embrace every part and peice of who I am. Allowing my breath to be a connector between myself and all that Is.
"Do whatever your heart and soul truly desire, but do it in Love..." < That is in alignment with the life I've chosen to live.
Namaste
Dottie
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Unrealistic Expectations Rambled
Good morning!
I intended to get up at 7:30 for my favorite yoga class and ended up hitting snooze so many times I could have cared less about going. I was tired and cranky by this point. Yet, when I DID wake up I was fairly angry at myself for missing it! As I laid in my bed pouting and trying to NOT be angry at myself I heard the words "Unrealistic Expectations."
I decided to really look at that phrase for a few moments today and feel what it meant to me. My intial question to myself was do I have unrelalistic expectations of myself, and my intial response was "yes." I just had this feeling of kicking myself in the ass because I didn't go to yoga this morning, ugh... moving along. I am not a morning person, I know this, yet I set my alarm to get up at 7:15am? After falling asleep a little after 1am? I knew I wasn't going to get up. Then my question becomes, did I know I wasn't going to get up? or did I create the situation of not getting up at 7:15am because I had made the decision the night before that I wasn't going to?
Unrealistic expectations also makes me think of the term "extremeist" which I very much am which is okay because it has it's good aspects too, I really believe even the qualities we deem as "terrible" have certain situations where they wold be useful. So what now? I seem to not have much to say about Unrealistic expectations, maybe it's something I need to give thought to throughout the day, as I go about my day.
My thoughts right now are about having a routine of some kind in the morning. 10:30 feels like an appropriate wake time which I would like to incorporate on the days don't do yoga. I've been trying the make a daily schedule thing, which isn't working out to great for me right now, seems to just be kind of there. Routine wise I've thought about praying, breakfast, blogging over tea, yoga and/or walking, then my day.... I'd like that to the start to my day EVERYDAY. Let's give myself a goal of doing it for 4 days. I almost said a week, but I heard "unrealistic expectations" in my head, lol. The Universe knows me well :) I need to figure out how long all of this takes roughly. It's 11:30 now and I've been up since about 10:40 I believe. So, maybe two hours before I need to start getting ready to go somewhere? So if I get ready for work at 1pm, getting up at 10:30 is perfect, actually gives me an extra 30 min. We'll see how this works for the next four days. I'm gonna go ahead and jot this down. I'd guess on the days I don't have to work I don't really need to be up at 10:30? Give myself a little leadway. Tommorrow I have class so it appears two hours to get read and get there would put me at 11:30, so 2 hours to do my routine would put me at 9:30am. Doable? I think so :). There is a thought there, almost a fear of developing OCD tendencies. lol, wow, there's my extreme's again. I either think I have to have NO schedule or be OCD about my schedule, lol... it does make me laugh a bit.
I've made my schedule out for the next two days, but I don't even know where to start for Saturday and Sunday! lol I'm like should I just get up at 10:30 to keep things kosher or wake up whenever and THEN do my routine, it can be more relaxed because it's the weekend right? Sure. Oh look at that, there aren't even any times on my weekend calender. Good. SHIT. Yin Yoga is tomorrow... and I really want to go! Guess I have to put that in my schedule lol... OMG I'm gonna drive myself nuts. No I'm not. For whatever reason I'm getting excited, lol.
I think blogging everyday will help me sort through the shit within my head, and focus better. I need to explore how not going to yoga this morning REALLY makes me feel, becuase I keep thinking of it and thinkg UGH fuck. I feel dissppointment, anger, frustration. It reminds me of all those other times I wanted to get up earlier and didn't. Feel irresponsible, lazy... makes me think of my father yelling at me "what are you gonna sleep all day? Get up." But I'm an adult now, I make my own decisions. Sleeping all day IS a choice for me, however, doing so strikes guilt and fear, like I'm waiting on SOMEONE to yell at me.
Seems it's now time for me to get moving this morning.... ;)
Love & Light
Dottie
I intended to get up at 7:30 for my favorite yoga class and ended up hitting snooze so many times I could have cared less about going. I was tired and cranky by this point. Yet, when I DID wake up I was fairly angry at myself for missing it! As I laid in my bed pouting and trying to NOT be angry at myself I heard the words "Unrealistic Expectations."
I decided to really look at that phrase for a few moments today and feel what it meant to me. My intial question to myself was do I have unrelalistic expectations of myself, and my intial response was "yes." I just had this feeling of kicking myself in the ass because I didn't go to yoga this morning, ugh... moving along. I am not a morning person, I know this, yet I set my alarm to get up at 7:15am? After falling asleep a little after 1am? I knew I wasn't going to get up. Then my question becomes, did I know I wasn't going to get up? or did I create the situation of not getting up at 7:15am because I had made the decision the night before that I wasn't going to?
Unrealistic expectations also makes me think of the term "extremeist" which I very much am which is okay because it has it's good aspects too, I really believe even the qualities we deem as "terrible" have certain situations where they wold be useful. So what now? I seem to not have much to say about Unrealistic expectations, maybe it's something I need to give thought to throughout the day, as I go about my day.
My thoughts right now are about having a routine of some kind in the morning. 10:30 feels like an appropriate wake time which I would like to incorporate on the days don't do yoga. I've been trying the make a daily schedule thing, which isn't working out to great for me right now, seems to just be kind of there. Routine wise I've thought about praying, breakfast, blogging over tea, yoga and/or walking, then my day.... I'd like that to the start to my day EVERYDAY. Let's give myself a goal of doing it for 4 days. I almost said a week, but I heard "unrealistic expectations" in my head, lol. The Universe knows me well :) I need to figure out how long all of this takes roughly. It's 11:30 now and I've been up since about 10:40 I believe. So, maybe two hours before I need to start getting ready to go somewhere? So if I get ready for work at 1pm, getting up at 10:30 is perfect, actually gives me an extra 30 min. We'll see how this works for the next four days. I'm gonna go ahead and jot this down. I'd guess on the days I don't have to work I don't really need to be up at 10:30? Give myself a little leadway. Tommorrow I have class so it appears two hours to get read and get there would put me at 11:30, so 2 hours to do my routine would put me at 9:30am. Doable? I think so :). There is a thought there, almost a fear of developing OCD tendencies. lol, wow, there's my extreme's again. I either think I have to have NO schedule or be OCD about my schedule, lol... it does make me laugh a bit.
I've made my schedule out for the next two days, but I don't even know where to start for Saturday and Sunday! lol I'm like should I just get up at 10:30 to keep things kosher or wake up whenever and THEN do my routine, it can be more relaxed because it's the weekend right? Sure. Oh look at that, there aren't even any times on my weekend calender. Good. SHIT. Yin Yoga is tomorrow... and I really want to go! Guess I have to put that in my schedule lol... OMG I'm gonna drive myself nuts. No I'm not. For whatever reason I'm getting excited, lol.
I think blogging everyday will help me sort through the shit within my head, and focus better. I need to explore how not going to yoga this morning REALLY makes me feel, becuase I keep thinking of it and thinkg UGH fuck. I feel dissppointment, anger, frustration. It reminds me of all those other times I wanted to get up earlier and didn't. Feel irresponsible, lazy... makes me think of my father yelling at me "what are you gonna sleep all day? Get up." But I'm an adult now, I make my own decisions. Sleeping all day IS a choice for me, however, doing so strikes guilt and fear, like I'm waiting on SOMEONE to yell at me.
Seems it's now time for me to get moving this morning.... ;)
Love & Light
Dottie
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