If I'm going to miss yoga today in the name of anger, I'm at least going to make it productive. I'm at-least going to use that time and do something I am proud of, act in a way which promotes self-control, self-confidence, and mirrors the values I believe in most such as love, forgiveness, and letting go.
I'm angry this morning. I woke up angry about a conversation had last night before bed. I don't like being mis-understood. I italicize that because it's not a new revelation, but an old understanding, newly put into words. It's roots are buried in my childhood, it's details not necessary here.
I'm missing yoga because I'm angry. Every time I say that, it lights my energy a bit. Because, it's funny. It's preposterous actually. Let me be angry about something I can't control, and give up something I can. Let me in essence hurt myself by denying myself something which would contribute to the greater goodness by promoting peace and health and well-being. Let me deny myself something I've wanted to do for a couple days because she made me angry. Why? Not why did she make me angry but why am I giving it up? So I can blame her later? And give me more reason to be angry and resentful because she voiced her own feelings? To indirectly punish myself? But why? Because I felt an unwanted emotion?
This is why I'm here now. Because all of this is preposterous, and it's my shit. Because I was sitting with it as I often attempt to do and in between the fleeting thoughts of sleeping, eating, or getting off... I asked what am I suppose to do with this anger? And I hear, let it go. Simple as that. What else are you suppose to do with it? *sigh. Of course. A deeper understanding that "talking" about it, or arguing with her is simply throwing my shit onto her. It's not fair, and it's Sunday. Nobody likes to argue on Sunday. Nobody really likes to argue with the person they love ever. So here I am, If I want different results, I must do different things, so instead of "talking" about things the moment she approaches me just after waking up and starting her day off yelling at her... I am here. I kept my mouth shut and consciously reminded myself to breathe. Already I feel better. And her day started off okay. Why? Because I love her, and I love myself. Because I want us to create positive memories each day and not take them for granted. Because her happiness is important to me. So, I let go. Well mostly. I'm going to "yoga" in my chair once I shut this screen and allow myself to breath deep and release it entirely from my system, from this moment, and from my life. So that next time anger arises, it will not be caring twice what it should.
I can only hope to find myself in a familiar space next time...lotus position in chair, breathing, and working my shit out instead of throwing it onto her or pulling it down and storing it within my physical body as excess weight or sickness. Letting go. Anger will come again one day, and that's okay, how grateful I am to be here now. It's a practice, as always.
As I side note, looking down at the clock... I could probably make it to yoga right now if I chose to go. But this moment feels pretty nice, I'd like to enjoy it while it's here.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Showing posts with label Yoga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Yoga. Show all posts
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Friday, December 19, 2014
Do the Work
"It's 3 a.m. again, like it always seems to be."
Although it's not. It's actually 6:30 a.m. and I am inspired to write and go to the gym, after my tea of course. But the above is a song lyric from gentlemen born in South Africa with a folksy, earthy taste to his fingers and tongue. I like him. Sometimes there are more important things than working out. like yoga, or drinking tea or laughing with a child. Okay fine, that one was just added in there to fluff it up, I 've been playing around with my descriptions and style, and well... there was new flavor. I practiced the best yoga flow I have practiced in over two years yesterday. I breathed into spaces in my side body and hips I forgot were there. Those spaces where the air turns cold as it swirls around and I cannot dismiss that fact. I was more centered, I was more peaceful, I was strong in my core. So much I even went into un-assisted shoulder stand! If you don't know what it is, google it. For someone (me) who has avoided ab/core work as long as I can remember, my ability to do this yesterday seemed only a direct result of the work I had been putting into that area over the past year. It feel good, beyond good. The almost unnoticeable trembling muscles in my core made me smile a deep and satiating smile. So like I said, I'm sure my attitude had something to do with the greatness and depth that came along with my practice yesterday. Progress. A different space. We opened hips, we strengthened the shoulder girdle, the core and the quads. We did new poses and of course, Shavasana. It's the easiest and everyone's favorite, you "lie on your back, in stillness, and reap all of the benefits of your practice today." Most people fall asleep, who doesn't love Shavasana?
So today, yoga didn't make me angry. I didn't shake my head no and refuse to do a pose like a small child, sitting on my mat on my feet, glaring off into space. Today, I embraced my practice and that moment fully. Seems I have spent many days on my mat lately allowing anger to move through me, I am grateful for those days because they allowed me to have this day. Do the work.
Oh and my favorite part? She ended our practice by telling us to walk with Grace & Gratitude...
Although it's not. It's actually 6:30 a.m. and I am inspired to write and go to the gym, after my tea of course. But the above is a song lyric from gentlemen born in South Africa with a folksy, earthy taste to his fingers and tongue. I like him. Sometimes there are more important things than working out. like yoga, or drinking tea or laughing with a child. Okay fine, that one was just added in there to fluff it up, I 've been playing around with my descriptions and style, and well... there was new flavor. I practiced the best yoga flow I have practiced in over two years yesterday. I breathed into spaces in my side body and hips I forgot were there. Those spaces where the air turns cold as it swirls around and I cannot dismiss that fact. I was more centered, I was more peaceful, I was strong in my core. So much I even went into un-assisted shoulder stand! If you don't know what it is, google it. For someone (me) who has avoided ab/core work as long as I can remember, my ability to do this yesterday seemed only a direct result of the work I had been putting into that area over the past year. It feel good, beyond good. The almost unnoticeable trembling muscles in my core made me smile a deep and satiating smile. So like I said, I'm sure my attitude had something to do with the greatness and depth that came along with my practice yesterday. Progress. A different space. We opened hips, we strengthened the shoulder girdle, the core and the quads. We did new poses and of course, Shavasana. It's the easiest and everyone's favorite, you "lie on your back, in stillness, and reap all of the benefits of your practice today." Most people fall asleep, who doesn't love Shavasana?
So today, yoga didn't make me angry. I didn't shake my head no and refuse to do a pose like a small child, sitting on my mat on my feet, glaring off into space. Today, I embraced my practice and that moment fully. Seems I have spent many days on my mat lately allowing anger to move through me, I am grateful for those days because they allowed me to have this day. Do the work.
Oh and my favorite part? She ended our practice by telling us to walk with Grace & Gratitude...
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
When Yoga Makes You Angry
"I will not give up... I will stay in this fire...until I am free."
Yoga isn't always about pretty music, thin bodies, and feelings of peace and euphoria. You don't always flow through each pose with grace and go deeper into a sea of bliss with each movement. Sometimes yoga makes you angry. Angry to the point you want to kick your yoga block, tell the teacher to go fuck herself and leave. Leave your mat where it lay, you can buy another, you've got to GO. Sometimes it's a slow and gradual resistance, other times you're fine until in their softest, most zen voice they utter the one pose that you...just... hate. The pose that requires you to muster every ounce of maturity you have to even attempt it, to even look like you're attempting it. This happens because there is anger to be felt and anger to be released. It's hiding somewhere within your system unbeknownst to you but becomes a little more apparent with each breath, each subtle movement, and each moment of stillness.
The yoga studio I frequent has a photo-copied 8x10 paper of a plain black bird in flight with a pale yellow background. There are three of them actually and below each bird is a few words of the sentence. "I will not give up...I will stay in this fire...until I am free." And that's exactly what it is... a fire. A angry burning sensation that seems to come from nowhere, as if your forward fold or dragon pose busted something loose. A fire that erupts from places that seem to have no foundation, no bedrock. No point of reference. Until I am free. Our initial reaction is ALWAYS to retreat, to withdraw quickly and with seemingly good reason. It cannot be good for us if it feels so unpleasant. The mind begins to chatter and race. But this is where you stay. Breathe and watch the mind. What is it showing you? Who is it showing you? What words are you hearing? Are you remembering something someone told you 5 years ago? Are you being taken back to that fight with your significant other from a few days ago? What do you FEEL? Other than the fire, other than the acute desire to flee? Pay attention and breathe. This is the key. Watch it like a movie, stay with it until you are free. Because you are halfway there and if you leave now you leave with the anger only halfway through it's conquest to be released. You leave that anger in your heart, in your mind, in your way... again. Leaving now you leave that anger open to stir up its mate in someone else. So stay with it. Stay with it as it burns itself up in the fire in which it was created; stay with it until you are free.
With Grace & Gratitude
Yoga isn't always about pretty music, thin bodies, and feelings of peace and euphoria. You don't always flow through each pose with grace and go deeper into a sea of bliss with each movement. Sometimes yoga makes you angry. Angry to the point you want to kick your yoga block, tell the teacher to go fuck herself and leave. Leave your mat where it lay, you can buy another, you've got to GO. Sometimes it's a slow and gradual resistance, other times you're fine until in their softest, most zen voice they utter the one pose that you...just... hate. The pose that requires you to muster every ounce of maturity you have to even attempt it, to even look like you're attempting it. This happens because there is anger to be felt and anger to be released. It's hiding somewhere within your system unbeknownst to you but becomes a little more apparent with each breath, each subtle movement, and each moment of stillness.
The yoga studio I frequent has a photo-copied 8x10 paper of a plain black bird in flight with a pale yellow background. There are three of them actually and below each bird is a few words of the sentence. "I will not give up...I will stay in this fire...until I am free." And that's exactly what it is... a fire. A angry burning sensation that seems to come from nowhere, as if your forward fold or dragon pose busted something loose. A fire that erupts from places that seem to have no foundation, no bedrock. No point of reference. Until I am free. Our initial reaction is ALWAYS to retreat, to withdraw quickly and with seemingly good reason. It cannot be good for us if it feels so unpleasant. The mind begins to chatter and race. But this is where you stay. Breathe and watch the mind. What is it showing you? Who is it showing you? What words are you hearing? Are you remembering something someone told you 5 years ago? Are you being taken back to that fight with your significant other from a few days ago? What do you FEEL? Other than the fire, other than the acute desire to flee? Pay attention and breathe. This is the key. Watch it like a movie, stay with it until you are free. Because you are halfway there and if you leave now you leave with the anger only halfway through it's conquest to be released. You leave that anger in your heart, in your mind, in your way... again. Leaving now you leave that anger open to stir up its mate in someone else. So stay with it. Stay with it as it burns itself up in the fire in which it was created; stay with it until you are free.
With Grace & Gratitude
Friday, November 21, 2014
Hello, Root Chakra
I've spent much of my focus on my root chakra lately. Focusing on allowing old pockets of pain to move out, to experience them from an observer's position and let them flow through me. Some ideas from a book which aren't new just said in a different way that has really made sense for me . Although I was kind of surprised to realize that I have spent much of my time focusing on healing my sacral chakra, and not so much my root, when I'm really beginning to complete the idea that maybe everything perceived/felt/'processed from the physical world must first filter through the root chakra. If that's true, it is extremely important to keep that clear. Not just grounded but clear. Because the energy that flows through that could easily bring up gun with it into our other chakras. This is where our survival instincts are, where our addictions lie and where we feel connected to mother earth. In working on my root chakra so much lately I will say I have begun to feel like I have come to myself again in some regard. Even if I clear the sacral chakra but have avoided the root, reminents from there can flow and get stuck in my sacral, the center of emotions and connections to others. Our root is our connection to self, sacral our connection to others. The old adage, "You have to take care of yourself before you take care of others" applies here.
The driving thought/force behind this particular blog was that with all the work I've been doing lately, I'll say over the last 3 weeks or so specifically focused on the root, last couple months on the core area.... I can feel the emotions releasing. My thought was what have I gotten myself into? My anxiety is high, very high. It seems I am constantly noticing disruptions surfacing and consciously letting them go. I must take 5 really deep breaths a minute, visualizing it running through all chakras and cleansing away what is working its way out. It gets irritating. I'm irritable, and my mood is shifting rapidly sparked my something minor. But I keep doing it. I keep bringing myself outside my comfort zone, moving through the fear. My goal, my job during this time, is to remain seated and grounded in an observer's point of view. Micheal, insert his last name here, says it's just a feeling, it's just something in the universe as a bruise on our body, or a car driving down the street. There is no reason to run from it, to allow it to consume you. It's great work. By far one of the best books I've ever read/listened too (I have it on audiobook.) It's teachings are in perfect time. But it is intense at times, this is why I'm writing this now, sitting next to my window in my favorite room, in my almost favorite chair (it's growing on me) sipping my yogi tea.... because allowing old stuff to surface without consciously and controllingly needing to observe each one and pick it apart can be intense. You've given yourself permission to heal, You've chosen freedom over holding onto something that causes you pain or disruption, grabbing each one as it goes by your psyche on its way out is only slowing the process. I just have to let it come and go. Just breathe, keep breathing.. Spend time alone and be conscious enough to understand that what your feeling right now is very likely NOT related to something happening right now. It's something moving through you from an earlier experience which we chose not to deal with then. It's intense. But I no longer wish to be afraid of the world, I no longer wish to spend valuable energy trying to control and micromanage my life so that I can remain okay. Or other people for that matter. So I continue. I continue allowing myself to open. My focus is to keep myself clear so that experiences can pass through me and I can live my life and love the people in it without throwing my shit onto them.
With Grace & Gratitude...
The driving thought/force behind this particular blog was that with all the work I've been doing lately, I'll say over the last 3 weeks or so specifically focused on the root, last couple months on the core area.... I can feel the emotions releasing. My thought was what have I gotten myself into? My anxiety is high, very high. It seems I am constantly noticing disruptions surfacing and consciously letting them go. I must take 5 really deep breaths a minute, visualizing it running through all chakras and cleansing away what is working its way out. It gets irritating. I'm irritable, and my mood is shifting rapidly sparked my something minor. But I keep doing it. I keep bringing myself outside my comfort zone, moving through the fear. My goal, my job during this time, is to remain seated and grounded in an observer's point of view. Micheal, insert his last name here, says it's just a feeling, it's just something in the universe as a bruise on our body, or a car driving down the street. There is no reason to run from it, to allow it to consume you. It's great work. By far one of the best books I've ever read/listened too (I have it on audiobook.) It's teachings are in perfect time. But it is intense at times, this is why I'm writing this now, sitting next to my window in my favorite room, in my almost favorite chair (it's growing on me) sipping my yogi tea.... because allowing old stuff to surface without consciously and controllingly needing to observe each one and pick it apart can be intense. You've given yourself permission to heal, You've chosen freedom over holding onto something that causes you pain or disruption, grabbing each one as it goes by your psyche on its way out is only slowing the process. I just have to let it come and go. Just breathe, keep breathing.. Spend time alone and be conscious enough to understand that what your feeling right now is very likely NOT related to something happening right now. It's something moving through you from an earlier experience which we chose not to deal with then. It's intense. But I no longer wish to be afraid of the world, I no longer wish to spend valuable energy trying to control and micromanage my life so that I can remain okay. Or other people for that matter. So I continue. I continue allowing myself to open. My focus is to keep myself clear so that experiences can pass through me and I can live my life and love the people in it without throwing my shit onto them.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Because It Feels So Fucking Good
Sometimes I practice yoga naked.
I mean butt naked. I turn off the lights, light my candles and breathe. I immerse myself bare in yoga music flowing through a series of yoga poses I only choose within the moment. No attachment to routine or outcome or doing it "right"; I just allow my body and breath to lead. This is the ultimate getting-in-touch-with-my-body time. A unique liberation happens here. As if you are naked before God, vulnerable naked. All of you is exposed. Your heart, your mind, your body. How freeing to not feel the confines of cotton, although delicate laid, still limiting. I am left only to feel the lines of energy flowing along their meridians within the invisible layers of who I am. It is only breath and intuition. A free reign they don't get very often. To see with your eyes your body exactly as it is and love it for being so. My body has the markings of a life spent releasing and growing. A beautiful horizon only available within a sacred space such as this.
Become one with your practice, your eightfold path.
With Grace & Gratitude...
I mean butt naked. I turn off the lights, light my candles and breathe. I immerse myself bare in yoga music flowing through a series of yoga poses I only choose within the moment. No attachment to routine or outcome or doing it "right"; I just allow my body and breath to lead. This is the ultimate getting-in-touch-with-my-body time. A unique liberation happens here. As if you are naked before God, vulnerable naked. All of you is exposed. Your heart, your mind, your body. How freeing to not feel the confines of cotton, although delicate laid, still limiting. I am left only to feel the lines of energy flowing along their meridians within the invisible layers of who I am. It is only breath and intuition. A free reign they don't get very often. To see with your eyes your body exactly as it is and love it for being so. My body has the markings of a life spent releasing and growing. A beautiful horizon only available within a sacred space such as this.
Become one with your practice, your eightfold path.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Living My Yoga
"It's not about how good you can do the pose, it's about what you discover about yourself in the pose."
Yoga has been one of my greatest teachers, because it simply brings you inward, back to your true nature; below the mindless chatter, the emotional turmoil, & beyond your perceived physical limitations. In one of my least favorite poses which has most often induced an IMMEDIATE emotional response of "I fucking HATE THIS POSE!" Followed by thoughts of, "This is good for me, it will help me grow, just breath into it." About 15 seconds before the teacher said to come out of it... I was DONE. I had decided it was too uncomforable, I didn't care how good it was for me, I was fucking DONE. I STILL hate this pose and *I* can come out of it anytime I want! ... and then, the flood gates of awareness opened up...
In situations that I do not want, or are not ideal according to me, I will do them momentarily, then retreat in a childlike fashion when I realize it's not what I want and nothing I'm doing is bringing about what I want. I'll go into situations, especially with relationships, with a willingness and knowing that if it weren't what I needed, I wouldn't be experiencing it. Feelings of : It's a learning process, and I'm ready for whatever it brings. Intially...
"What are you so afraid of?" - Not getting what I want, it not being what I want it to be. I've said for a long time there are only two things in life I've ever wanted and not gotten, an easy bake oven, and a treehouse. Funny how both of those are child toys right? How about this... I never got my canary yellow mustang, I never got first chair at honor band, I never got my own tuba, and I never got to be the pitcher. My eighth grade class didn't get to go to Washington D.C. and I never got to be Tyler Gillam's girlfriend. I didn't get to go to Vanderbilt university to study medicine, nor did I end up graduated, married, and having my first child by 25. But SOMETHING would be different, probably something HUGE, had I gotten some of those things. I wouldn't be who I am right now. It's that feeling of things being taken away that drives me nuts. Makes me almost neurotic trying to figure out what happened, and what I can do to get it back. Because GOD FORBID something happen beyond my control.
"You can't always get what you want." - When Billie told me that around 6 months ago, I was appalled. But I knew there was truth in that. And now, it's finally hit where it needed to hit. I've felt the cycle in my relationships I kept repeating was always falling in love with someone who couldn't or didn't want to be with me for some reason or another. And although yes, there is some truth to that... THAT in and of itself was not the lesson. The deeper issue, the piece I've been missing, is that it's not always going to be what I want, it's not about what I want. It's about what both of us need. The cycle I've been repeating was retreating in a childlike fashion; allowing what needed to happen for as long as I could, because really, I valued my wants over my needs, which in turn made me value my wants over the wants & needs of others. Thus igniting my selfish tendencies... holy fuck that statement took my breathe away, here's the tears. What a disheartening & humbling realization. So when I absolutely cannot lie to myself anymore, that I have moments of feeling my wants are more important than the needs of myself or others, I retreat. I stop everything. That's why I always feel like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I blame myself, why I feel so fucked in the head, so confused, and why I try SO hard for others to see me as not selfish. Because that's a pretty selfish action.
The lesson here, which I learned on my yoga mat today is this moment, may not be what I want, but it's exactly what I need and when it intricately involves another person, it's exactly what THEY need as well. Retreating, childlike or not, will only bring me ANOTHER opportunity to experience a similar moment. Thus the cycle. I've retreated, without fail, every time, and really thought the issue was the entrance, "Why did I get into this AGAIN?!"... nope it was the exit I was getting wrong. My exit. It's about letting it play itself out; about fully experiencing it, whatever it has to offer, until it offers no more. Then there is no need for any kind of exit, because there was never an entrance, there was never a beginning, so no ending is needed. It's like the wind, or falling asleep. The exact moment it begins or ends cannot be determined, it seems to come from nowhere and go back to nowhere.
We don't want what we have, not for very long anyways. It gets boring, we want something different. But we don't want to want something different! We want to want what we have right? Isn't that what they say, want what you have? When the flow stops our deepest selves yearn for something different to get the flow going again. If the flow stops, we die, parts of us die. It is imperative to keep moving. And this can be as painful or as beautiful as decide it to be.
As long as this blog already is, I'm hesitant to add anymore. Yet, I can't help but to think about the phrases I've heard in the last week or so, that have resonated with me. Those phrases that seem to all find there place this morning on my yoga mat. All from people very close to my heart. "It's always about what you are or aren't getting out of our connection." "Let it be what it is" (from 3 different sources), "You can't always get what you want." I knew there was truth in each of those, the moment they were said, I just didn't know what to do with them at the time. And the ironic thing is, last night I decided to not do anything.
The most beautiful thing about awareness, is that it cannot be un-learned and makes it so much more difficult to repeat a behavior which as caused you suffering.
Love & Light
Dottie
Yoga has been one of my greatest teachers, because it simply brings you inward, back to your true nature; below the mindless chatter, the emotional turmoil, & beyond your perceived physical limitations. In one of my least favorite poses which has most often induced an IMMEDIATE emotional response of "I fucking HATE THIS POSE!" Followed by thoughts of, "This is good for me, it will help me grow, just breath into it." About 15 seconds before the teacher said to come out of it... I was DONE. I had decided it was too uncomforable, I didn't care how good it was for me, I was fucking DONE. I STILL hate this pose and *I* can come out of it anytime I want! ... and then, the flood gates of awareness opened up...
In situations that I do not want, or are not ideal according to me, I will do them momentarily, then retreat in a childlike fashion when I realize it's not what I want and nothing I'm doing is bringing about what I want. I'll go into situations, especially with relationships, with a willingness and knowing that if it weren't what I needed, I wouldn't be experiencing it. Feelings of : It's a learning process, and I'm ready for whatever it brings. Intially...
"What are you so afraid of?" - Not getting what I want, it not being what I want it to be. I've said for a long time there are only two things in life I've ever wanted and not gotten, an easy bake oven, and a treehouse. Funny how both of those are child toys right? How about this... I never got my canary yellow mustang, I never got first chair at honor band, I never got my own tuba, and I never got to be the pitcher. My eighth grade class didn't get to go to Washington D.C. and I never got to be Tyler Gillam's girlfriend. I didn't get to go to Vanderbilt university to study medicine, nor did I end up graduated, married, and having my first child by 25. But SOMETHING would be different, probably something HUGE, had I gotten some of those things. I wouldn't be who I am right now. It's that feeling of things being taken away that drives me nuts. Makes me almost neurotic trying to figure out what happened, and what I can do to get it back. Because GOD FORBID something happen beyond my control.
"You can't always get what you want." - When Billie told me that around 6 months ago, I was appalled. But I knew there was truth in that. And now, it's finally hit where it needed to hit. I've felt the cycle in my relationships I kept repeating was always falling in love with someone who couldn't or didn't want to be with me for some reason or another. And although yes, there is some truth to that... THAT in and of itself was not the lesson. The deeper issue, the piece I've been missing, is that it's not always going to be what I want, it's not about what I want. It's about what both of us need. The cycle I've been repeating was retreating in a childlike fashion; allowing what needed to happen for as long as I could, because really, I valued my wants over my needs, which in turn made me value my wants over the wants & needs of others. Thus igniting my selfish tendencies... holy fuck that statement took my breathe away, here's the tears. What a disheartening & humbling realization. So when I absolutely cannot lie to myself anymore, that I have moments of feeling my wants are more important than the needs of myself or others, I retreat. I stop everything. That's why I always feel like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I blame myself, why I feel so fucked in the head, so confused, and why I try SO hard for others to see me as not selfish. Because that's a pretty selfish action.
The lesson here, which I learned on my yoga mat today is this moment, may not be what I want, but it's exactly what I need and when it intricately involves another person, it's exactly what THEY need as well. Retreating, childlike or not, will only bring me ANOTHER opportunity to experience a similar moment. Thus the cycle. I've retreated, without fail, every time, and really thought the issue was the entrance, "Why did I get into this AGAIN?!"... nope it was the exit I was getting wrong. My exit. It's about letting it play itself out; about fully experiencing it, whatever it has to offer, until it offers no more. Then there is no need for any kind of exit, because there was never an entrance, there was never a beginning, so no ending is needed. It's like the wind, or falling asleep. The exact moment it begins or ends cannot be determined, it seems to come from nowhere and go back to nowhere.
We don't want what we have, not for very long anyways. It gets boring, we want something different. But we don't want to want something different! We want to want what we have right? Isn't that what they say, want what you have? When the flow stops our deepest selves yearn for something different to get the flow going again. If the flow stops, we die, parts of us die. It is imperative to keep moving. And this can be as painful or as beautiful as decide it to be.
As long as this blog already is, I'm hesitant to add anymore. Yet, I can't help but to think about the phrases I've heard in the last week or so, that have resonated with me. Those phrases that seem to all find there place this morning on my yoga mat. All from people very close to my heart. "It's always about what you are or aren't getting out of our connection." "Let it be what it is" (from 3 different sources), "You can't always get what you want." I knew there was truth in each of those, the moment they were said, I just didn't know what to do with them at the time. And the ironic thing is, last night I decided to not do anything.
The most beautiful thing about awareness, is that it cannot be un-learned and makes it so much more difficult to repeat a behavior which as caused you suffering.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, June 13, 2011
Motives & Perceptions (Finally Published)
"What are you looking for?"
A question that stopped me in my tracks as I was going going and forth between S & J's facebok page. Checking out their recent activity, their status', clicking the links to any females pages I thought they may be "talking to"... who was this L chic anyway? They were at the gym together on the 9th. They are in a picture together at what looks like a wedding are they dating? He has his arm around her. Let me check her out, hmmm do I think she's pretty? She looks old. And who's these two new women J is friends with now? Did he meet her on POF? Am I his favorite? When where these pictures taken? How often do they interact with this or that femle... let's check the "see friendship" link. Dammit, why do people have their pages so "private" ... lame. (Yet, mine is private.)
What was I looking for? What am I looking for when I go through thier pages as if I'm on a scavanger hunt and the prize is oxygen? Validation. A go ahead. Something that leads me to believe that I am the only woman they are talking to or interested in. That I have no competition, because I'm extremely competitive, and I'm not used to loosing, and don't handle it well. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Wow. To take it a step further, could it be that I won't even fight for their attention because somewhere inside of me I feel like I"m going to loose anyway? A false belief that they will always choose the other woman. Because she's going to be better than me? In my head, the other woman is always prettier, less crazy, more adept at maintaining a relationship, and must know how to "date", she's probably had more practice than me. I easily allow other women to build or tear away at my self esteem. Wow, well here lies a newly revealed issue, I'm constantly comparing myself to other women. I'm either better than you, or you're better than me. I've been told my ENTIRE life that actions speak louder than words, I don't even listen to people. I just watch them, caue that's where the truth is right? But my perception of their actions squew's the truth. Just as their own motives & perceptions shape what they say, my own motives & perceptions shape what I see, and how I see it. J interacts with very few woman on fb, yet he comments on tons of my stuff... status's, photos, etc. He must like me more than any of the others right? Otherwise he wouldn't be all over my fb page, and then asking me about my pictures. I don't know that. Assumptions are dangerous.
What am I looking for? I ask again because I want to know if there is more. Reasons to be jealous, bitchy, and chaotic? Because isn't that just part of it? You get a little jealous so you have something to talk about with your girlfriends? Something to obsess about because I get bored? A superficial reflection. An excuse to not go to the REAL issue, the deeper issue. Because I feel like I've went there so many times and come back empty handed. I KNOW, I'm missing something, so when I muster up enough energy or the pain is so overwhelming, I revist that place. That invisible place inside of me that pushes me to indulge in obssesive, chaotic, & self-sabotaging behaviors. I said earlier that I've always come back empty handed, that's not true. I've been there hundreds of times and have brought up & released tons of stale old energy that no longer serves me. But it's like it's all on various shelves, and I've still got a few rows of stuff to sift through on the shelf labeled "Romantic Relationships" That makes me smile. It's funny. I like metaphors & I like being able to see something within my head, so I know where I'm at with it, and what's left to do. Funny thing is, why am I seeing it as a food pantry? With cans of food lining it? Twice yesterday, I sat to go within and within minutes I was "hungry" & reaching for food. I was clearly hearing guidance from my Spiritual teachers that I was about to eat my feelings. I wasn't not hungry. To put the food down, feel what I was feeling, and write it out. This would be an awesome blog to post, but I don't want either one of these fellas knowing to what extent I creeped their facebook page yesterday. I'm ashamed. It's that "But, I've been doing SOO GOOD!" feeling. Ego. Today is a different day. If yoga has taught me anything, it has taught me that everyday is different. Everyday my body is different, my mind is different, the setting is different (temp, people, placement of my mat within the room, the teacher, time, weather, etc) Today I may be able to hold that dragon pose for 10 breaths & smile, tomorrow I may come out of it in 3 breaths and PISSED. The point is...it's okay & always erfect, keep breathing. To give in to that which is. To see things as they are right now, now how I want them to be, wish them to be, or want to pretend they are... but exactly as they are, right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
A question that stopped me in my tracks as I was going going and forth between S & J's facebok page. Checking out their recent activity, their status', clicking the links to any females pages I thought they may be "talking to"... who was this L chic anyway? They were at the gym together on the 9th. They are in a picture together at what looks like a wedding are they dating? He has his arm around her. Let me check her out, hmmm do I think she's pretty? She looks old. And who's these two new women J is friends with now? Did he meet her on POF? Am I his favorite? When where these pictures taken? How often do they interact with this or that femle... let's check the "see friendship" link. Dammit, why do people have their pages so "private" ... lame. (Yet, mine is private.)
What was I looking for? What am I looking for when I go through thier pages as if I'm on a scavanger hunt and the prize is oxygen? Validation. A go ahead. Something that leads me to believe that I am the only woman they are talking to or interested in. That I have no competition, because I'm extremely competitive, and I'm not used to loosing, and don't handle it well. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Wow. To take it a step further, could it be that I won't even fight for their attention because somewhere inside of me I feel like I"m going to loose anyway? A false belief that they will always choose the other woman. Because she's going to be better than me? In my head, the other woman is always prettier, less crazy, more adept at maintaining a relationship, and must know how to "date", she's probably had more practice than me. I easily allow other women to build or tear away at my self esteem. Wow, well here lies a newly revealed issue, I'm constantly comparing myself to other women. I'm either better than you, or you're better than me. I've been told my ENTIRE life that actions speak louder than words, I don't even listen to people. I just watch them, caue that's where the truth is right? But my perception of their actions squew's the truth. Just as their own motives & perceptions shape what they say, my own motives & perceptions shape what I see, and how I see it. J interacts with very few woman on fb, yet he comments on tons of my stuff... status's, photos, etc. He must like me more than any of the others right? Otherwise he wouldn't be all over my fb page, and then asking me about my pictures. I don't know that. Assumptions are dangerous.
What am I looking for? I ask again because I want to know if there is more. Reasons to be jealous, bitchy, and chaotic? Because isn't that just part of it? You get a little jealous so you have something to talk about with your girlfriends? Something to obsess about because I get bored? A superficial reflection. An excuse to not go to the REAL issue, the deeper issue. Because I feel like I've went there so many times and come back empty handed. I KNOW, I'm missing something, so when I muster up enough energy or the pain is so overwhelming, I revist that place. That invisible place inside of me that pushes me to indulge in obssesive, chaotic, & self-sabotaging behaviors. I said earlier that I've always come back empty handed, that's not true. I've been there hundreds of times and have brought up & released tons of stale old energy that no longer serves me. But it's like it's all on various shelves, and I've still got a few rows of stuff to sift through on the shelf labeled "Romantic Relationships" That makes me smile. It's funny. I like metaphors & I like being able to see something within my head, so I know where I'm at with it, and what's left to do. Funny thing is, why am I seeing it as a food pantry? With cans of food lining it? Twice yesterday, I sat to go within and within minutes I was "hungry" & reaching for food. I was clearly hearing guidance from my Spiritual teachers that I was about to eat my feelings. I wasn't not hungry. To put the food down, feel what I was feeling, and write it out. This would be an awesome blog to post, but I don't want either one of these fellas knowing to what extent I creeped their facebook page yesterday. I'm ashamed. It's that "But, I've been doing SOO GOOD!" feeling. Ego. Today is a different day. If yoga has taught me anything, it has taught me that everyday is different. Everyday my body is different, my mind is different, the setting is different (temp, people, placement of my mat within the room, the teacher, time, weather, etc) Today I may be able to hold that dragon pose for 10 breaths & smile, tomorrow I may come out of it in 3 breaths and PISSED. The point is...it's okay & always erfect, keep breathing. To give in to that which is. To see things as they are right now, now how I want them to be, wish them to be, or want to pretend they are... but exactly as they are, right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Meeting My Body
Good morning!
I'm so happy to be sitting here with my tea and preparing to blog. A very beautiful thing happened during yoga today. I found myself extremely angry when holding the poses, a few tears fell, and all I kept hearing in my head is I'm not feeling very flexible today. I was becoming angry at my body because I could go much farther into the pose just a week or so ago, angry because my mind wouldn't push me through it, and ready to just throw that fucking boppy support pillow acrooss the room. I was telling myself it's okay, sometimes things in yoga come up, but I kept getting more and more pissed. My teacher said to be the observer of any thoughts or emotions that arose... and so I did. I laid my head on the support pillow and asked myself what was really wrong. There was a shift within that moment. I felt a connection to my body open up like never before. I felt guilt because I had been ingesting poisen for 3 days. I thought of my relapse, the Sonic I ate the night before, the Thin Mints I ate and threw up before I drank. I had been very hurtful to my body, and felt guilt. It was like I had hurt my best friend. I apologized and I cried as I sat in my dragon pose.
Upon deeper reflection I discovered a few more things. I had begun to not trust my body. I allowed the impatience of my ego to talk me into taking an amphetemine appetite suppressant (although I had lost almost 50 lbs on my own over the last year simply through diet changes, excercise, yoga, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture) I took the pills knowing all to well what it would do to my body... speed up my heartrate, decrease my sleep, potentially (and likely) to increase my anxiety, deplete my body of potassium because of the potent diuretic that goes along with taking the amphetemine to counter-act the tendencies to raise the HR and BP. Coming from someone who DESPISES taking any kind of pill, this was more than counter-productive. It was a direct blow at my integrity and core beliefs that I have embraced over several years. I justified my actions by telling a couple people I KNEW would tell me it was okay, and keep myself working out and making good food choices. If I continued to do all THAT, then I was only using it as a tool right?! (Please note the sarcasm) Three days before my relapse, I got out of bed and passed out smashing my head on the metal clothes hamper and causing me to go to the hospital... what was the culprit? Severe dehydration.... the cause of the dehydration? The pills I was taking to suppress my appetite. FUCK. I was ashamed, embarrased. I felt hypocritical and unworthy of the love and concern of those who cared about me. Especially when both of them sitting next to me in the ER were shocked and angry.
Since deciding to no longer take the pills, I've spent the last several days sleeping. My body needed rest to re-balance itself out. It was artifical energized for about 5 weeks, and now it was tired. More fully realizing the distress I caused on my body, and energy filled I was filled with anger and sadness. I spent all day Sunday (2 days post collapse) crying and sleeping, by midnight Sun/Mon I was drinking. AFTER I spent a couple hours yelling at the man I'm in love with about how much it hurts that he doesn't love me back (which is TOTAL BS, lol PLEASE see previous blog about Falling in Love With What Is for further clarification on that one!) :)
Love is the only thing that is real and what heals. Love is all there is. God is Love. (With all the being said, and not to go into my whole schpeel on Love) ... I realized on the way home how many of my actions, leading up to this very moment where based upon fear (the OPPOSITE of Love) and not Love. (Fear and Love cannot co-exist, they are opposits of each other, like how in the presence of light, darkness doesn't exist.) ANYWAYS... The decision to get the diet pills in the first place was a fear based decision because I was afraid of the plateau I had hit, and the potential of it causing me to gain a few pounds. My decision to express feelings of pain, longing, and hurt to this man were also out of fear. Fear of me seeing what was REALLY the issue. Along with, my choosing to withold Love from him and myself. Because at this point I was not allowing myself to be my truest nature, which is Love. I was denying myself the allowance to be what I was, thus causing pain and me projecting it onto someone else. I had denied Love the access to healing me on all levels... thus creating a vaccum effect and allowing fear and self-destruction to run rampat and me to drink myself into a stupor. Multiplying the guilt I had already felt for binging and purging on food and putting my body through the amphetemine high and detox. I was spent.
Today is 6 days post collapse. Finally, today I feel balanced and peaceful. So here I sit knowing in my being that there are no mistakes, every event was a stepping stone in bringing me to this moment. Because of what I've put myself through over the last few months, I've develped a closer and keener relationship with my body. I'm excited. Being this in-tune with my body will allow me to instinctively know what my body needs. I can then eat accordingly, and decipher caloric needs from emotional feeding. I'm drinking my Yogi tea (which I've not done because I was to AFRAID of putting anything more energizing into my body) Today, I chose Love. I gave myself permission to feel that which I truly am. I didn't deny myself the Love that will allow me to heal on all levels because of any feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or anger. Those feelings aren't real anyway. They are only an absence of Love, as darkness is an absence of Light. Therefore, just allowing myself to feel Love, all those other feelings dissipate. I forgave myself for hurting myself... for disrupting my energetic balance, for ingesting toxins into my physical body, and for being fallible, being human, because sometimes I like to deny that too.
I laid there in that dragon pose today and was introduced to my body. It was like FINALLY introducing yourself to that new face around the office for almost 6 months, knowing their name, what they do... but never actually MEETING them, never actually introducing yourself. There's like a timid awkwardness to that. Although it IS possible to communicate with that person, it's not through a direct means, and uses more time and energy than necessary. Today, we established a direct connection. Myself and my body. We met, and it was beautiful <3
Namaste'
Dottie
I'm so happy to be sitting here with my tea and preparing to blog. A very beautiful thing happened during yoga today. I found myself extremely angry when holding the poses, a few tears fell, and all I kept hearing in my head is I'm not feeling very flexible today. I was becoming angry at my body because I could go much farther into the pose just a week or so ago, angry because my mind wouldn't push me through it, and ready to just throw that fucking boppy support pillow acrooss the room. I was telling myself it's okay, sometimes things in yoga come up, but I kept getting more and more pissed. My teacher said to be the observer of any thoughts or emotions that arose... and so I did. I laid my head on the support pillow and asked myself what was really wrong. There was a shift within that moment. I felt a connection to my body open up like never before. I felt guilt because I had been ingesting poisen for 3 days. I thought of my relapse, the Sonic I ate the night before, the Thin Mints I ate and threw up before I drank. I had been very hurtful to my body, and felt guilt. It was like I had hurt my best friend. I apologized and I cried as I sat in my dragon pose.
Upon deeper reflection I discovered a few more things. I had begun to not trust my body. I allowed the impatience of my ego to talk me into taking an amphetemine appetite suppressant (although I had lost almost 50 lbs on my own over the last year simply through diet changes, excercise, yoga, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture) I took the pills knowing all to well what it would do to my body... speed up my heartrate, decrease my sleep, potentially (and likely) to increase my anxiety, deplete my body of potassium because of the potent diuretic that goes along with taking the amphetemine to counter-act the tendencies to raise the HR and BP. Coming from someone who DESPISES taking any kind of pill, this was more than counter-productive. It was a direct blow at my integrity and core beliefs that I have embraced over several years. I justified my actions by telling a couple people I KNEW would tell me it was okay, and keep myself working out and making good food choices. If I continued to do all THAT, then I was only using it as a tool right?! (Please note the sarcasm) Three days before my relapse, I got out of bed and passed out smashing my head on the metal clothes hamper and causing me to go to the hospital... what was the culprit? Severe dehydration.... the cause of the dehydration? The pills I was taking to suppress my appetite. FUCK. I was ashamed, embarrased. I felt hypocritical and unworthy of the love and concern of those who cared about me. Especially when both of them sitting next to me in the ER were shocked and angry.
Since deciding to no longer take the pills, I've spent the last several days sleeping. My body needed rest to re-balance itself out. It was artifical energized for about 5 weeks, and now it was tired. More fully realizing the distress I caused on my body, and energy filled I was filled with anger and sadness. I spent all day Sunday (2 days post collapse) crying and sleeping, by midnight Sun/Mon I was drinking. AFTER I spent a couple hours yelling at the man I'm in love with about how much it hurts that he doesn't love me back (which is TOTAL BS, lol PLEASE see previous blog about Falling in Love With What Is for further clarification on that one!) :)
Love is the only thing that is real and what heals. Love is all there is. God is Love. (With all the being said, and not to go into my whole schpeel on Love) ... I realized on the way home how many of my actions, leading up to this very moment where based upon fear (the OPPOSITE of Love) and not Love. (Fear and Love cannot co-exist, they are opposits of each other, like how in the presence of light, darkness doesn't exist.) ANYWAYS... The decision to get the diet pills in the first place was a fear based decision because I was afraid of the plateau I had hit, and the potential of it causing me to gain a few pounds. My decision to express feelings of pain, longing, and hurt to this man were also out of fear. Fear of me seeing what was REALLY the issue. Along with, my choosing to withold Love from him and myself. Because at this point I was not allowing myself to be my truest nature, which is Love. I was denying myself the allowance to be what I was, thus causing pain and me projecting it onto someone else. I had denied Love the access to healing me on all levels... thus creating a vaccum effect and allowing fear and self-destruction to run rampat and me to drink myself into a stupor. Multiplying the guilt I had already felt for binging and purging on food and putting my body through the amphetemine high and detox. I was spent.
Today is 6 days post collapse. Finally, today I feel balanced and peaceful. So here I sit knowing in my being that there are no mistakes, every event was a stepping stone in bringing me to this moment. Because of what I've put myself through over the last few months, I've develped a closer and keener relationship with my body. I'm excited. Being this in-tune with my body will allow me to instinctively know what my body needs. I can then eat accordingly, and decipher caloric needs from emotional feeding. I'm drinking my Yogi tea (which I've not done because I was to AFRAID of putting anything more energizing into my body) Today, I chose Love. I gave myself permission to feel that which I truly am. I didn't deny myself the Love that will allow me to heal on all levels because of any feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or anger. Those feelings aren't real anyway. They are only an absence of Love, as darkness is an absence of Light. Therefore, just allowing myself to feel Love, all those other feelings dissipate. I forgave myself for hurting myself... for disrupting my energetic balance, for ingesting toxins into my physical body, and for being fallible, being human, because sometimes I like to deny that too.
I laid there in that dragon pose today and was introduced to my body. It was like FINALLY introducing yourself to that new face around the office for almost 6 months, knowing their name, what they do... but never actually MEETING them, never actually introducing yourself. There's like a timid awkwardness to that. Although it IS possible to communicate with that person, it's not through a direct means, and uses more time and energy than necessary. Today, we established a direct connection. Myself and my body. We met, and it was beautiful <3
Namaste'
Dottie
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