When Yoga Makes You Angry

"I will not give up... I will stay in this fire...until I am free."

      Yoga isn't always about pretty music, thin bodies, and feelings of peace and euphoria. You don't always flow through each pose with grace and go deeper into a sea of bliss with each movement. Sometimes yoga makes you angry. Angry to the point you want to kick your yoga block, tell the teacher to go fuck herself and leave. Leave your mat where it lay, you can buy another, you've got to GO. Sometimes it's a slow and gradual resistance, other times you're fine until in their softest, most zen voice they utter the one pose that you...just... hate. The pose that requires you to muster every ounce of maturity you have to even attempt it, to even look like you're attempting it.  This happens because there is anger to be felt and anger to be released. It's hiding somewhere within your system unbeknownst to you but becomes a little more apparent with each breath, each subtle movement, and each moment of stillness.

       The yoga studio I frequent has a photo-copied 8x10 paper of a plain black bird in flight with a pale yellow background. There are three of them actually and below each bird is a few words of the sentence. "I will not give up...I will stay in this fire...until I am free." And that's exactly what it is... a fire. A angry burning sensation that seems to come from nowhere, as if your forward fold or dragon pose busted something loose. A fire that erupts from places that seem to have no foundation, no bedrock. No point of reference. Until I am free. Our initial reaction is ALWAYS to retreat, to withdraw quickly and with seemingly good reason. It cannot be good for us if it feels so unpleasant. The mind begins to chatter and race. But this is where you stay. Breathe and watch the mind. What is it showing you? Who is it showing you? What words are you hearing? Are you remembering something someone told you 5 years ago? Are you being taken back to that fight with your significant other from a few days ago? What do you FEEL? Other than the fire, other than the acute desire to flee? Pay attention and breathe. This is the key. Watch it like a movie, stay with it until you are free. Because you are halfway there and if you leave now you leave with the anger only halfway through it's conquest to be released. You leave that anger in your heart, in your mind, in your way... again. Leaving now you leave that anger open to stir up its mate in someone else. So stay with it. Stay with it as it burns itself up in the fire in which it was created; stay with it until you are free.

With Grace & Gratitude

Hello, Root Chakra

I've spent much of my focus on my root chakra lately. Focusing on allowing old pockets of pain to move out, to experience them from an observer's position and let them flow through me. Some ideas from a book which aren't new just said in a different way that has really made sense for me . Although I was kind of surprised to realize that I have spent much of my time focusing on healing my sacral chakra, and not so much my root, when I'm really beginning to complete the idea that maybe everything perceived/felt/'processed from the physical world must first filter through the root chakra. If that's true, it is extremely important to keep that clear. Not just grounded but clear. Because the energy that flows through that could easily bring up gun with it into our other chakras. This is where our survival instincts are, where our addictions lie and where we feel connected to mother earth. In working on my root chakra so much lately I will say I have begun to feel like I have come to myself again in some regard. Even if I clear the sacral chakra but have avoided the root, reminents from there can flow and get stuck in my sacral, the center of emotions and connections to others. Our root is our connection to self, sacral our connection to others. The old adage, "You have to take care of yourself before you take care of others" applies here.

The driving thought/force behind this particular blog was that with all the work I've been doing lately, I'll say over the last 3 weeks or so specifically focused on the root, last couple months on the core area.... I can feel the emotions releasing. My thought was what have I gotten myself into? My anxiety is high, very high. It seems I am constantly noticing disruptions surfacing and consciously letting them go. I must take 5 really deep breaths a minute, visualizing it running through all chakras and cleansing away what is working its way out. It gets irritating. I'm irritable, and my mood is shifting rapidly sparked my something minor.  But I keep doing it. I keep bringing myself outside my comfort zone, moving through the fear. My goal, my job during this time, is to remain seated and grounded in an observer's point of view. Micheal, insert his last name here, says it's just a feeling, it's just something in the universe as a bruise on our body, or a car driving down the street. There is no reason to run from it, to allow it to consume you. It's great work. By far one of the best books I've ever read/listened too (I have it on audiobook.) It's teachings are in perfect time. But it is intense at times, this is why I'm writing this now, sitting next to my window in my favorite room, in my almost favorite chair (it's growing on me) sipping my yogi tea.... because allowing old stuff to surface without consciously and controllingly needing to observe each one and pick it apart can be intense. You've given yourself permission to heal, You've chosen freedom over holding onto something that causes you pain or disruption, grabbing each one as it goes by your psyche on its way out is only slowing the process. I just have to let it come and go. Just breathe, keep breathing.. Spend time alone and be conscious enough to understand that what your feeling right now is very likely NOT related to something happening right now. It's something moving through you from an earlier experience which we chose not to deal with then. It's intense. But I no longer wish to be afraid of the world, I no longer wish to spend valuable energy trying to control and micromanage my life so that I can remain okay. Or other people for that matter. So I continue. I continue allowing myself to open. My focus is to keep myself clear so that experiences can pass through me and I can live my life and love the people in it without throwing my shit onto them.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Currently Untitled

It was hypnagogic to say the least, watching her blood pressure fall with each automatic inflation and calculation.  Starring through dried contact lenses at familiar numbers. My background allowed me an understanding which most daughters may not have had the luxury,  She was septic. I knew it before I called 911. I knew it the moment her temperature rang 102.8 as she shook under five blankets obsessed with how chilled her internal organs felt. I also knew what we were concerned about although no one had said it yet. Shock. A multi-organ system failure. The blood pressure drops, the heart rate increases and a loss of consciousness marks a time to stop fucking around. As I spat out the communal concern, some surprise feel across their faces. It was okay. They seemed to breath a little easier; a pressure was released. I understood. The nurse in me stepped forward moving lines, checking numbers, suggesting interventions, and explaining to her what was going on and why she needed to stay under an ice blanket. It was quiet and about twelve hours into our emergency room adventure when the daughter in me gently reminded the whole of factual possibilities. The unthinkable could happen here, it happens all the time. People go in for routine procedures and don't come back out. Like a bad Grey's Anatomy episode, "But she only had the hiccups." It was a surreal moment. What stands out the most is how I stood up, and I breathed. There were no dramatics. There were no pity parties or reaching out to somehow alter this experience making it more acceptable, easier. I was present, I was calm. I did pace though. Movement helps me think, it keeps me grounded. I paced five steps this way, four steps that way. I stood on a crag I had escorted so many others down. I stood sober and exposed as I realized that one day, my mother would also join the many who had passed on from this life to the next. That one day, her heart would cease to beat and her chest would cease to rise. Knowing you will one day loose your mother and watching what appears to be a generated preview offer two very different perspectives. I wondered what that moment would be like; I wondered if this was that moment. It was here the tears found their way into my experience.

With Grace & Gratitude...

To Unconditional Love Oneself

Unconditionally being the key word, and this seeming to be the goal. Years ago after getting sober I had to learn to love myself. I had absolutely no conception of what that meant. I had spent the best part of the 10 years prior, hurting myself. Taking my anger out on me, blaming myself, and metaphorically & literally ripping myself apart. I was my own worst enemy, and anyone who knew me could tell you that. The thoughts in my head were killing me, and I was killing myself.  It's been over 5 years since I got sober. I sit here today the healthiest I've ever been, on all levels. I have spent more time in a gym the last 4 years than most people will probably every spend in their lives, and I'm not so sure that's even an exaggeration. I've spent the last 9 months pushing my body physically like I never have before. Extensive weight training, 3x a week and cardio at different times. Working chest/biceps, legs, & back and triceps like clock work each week. Maxing, sometimes failing, & always pushing. If I ever wanted to take some sort of weight lifting championship title, or break any records, now would be the opportune time to do so. I train with a world power-lifting champion who holds a world record which is absolutely no exaggeration. But yet, I find myself here. A similar place I have been a few times. That still & quiet space of knowing that what you are doing, isn't necessary anymore. Not that it's not working, it just isn't needed. God has a different plan. There is always that smidge of sadness, The kind of sadness that comes with goodbye's, the good goodbye's. The goodbye's that are sending you off into a new phase of your life, a new door you've yet to walk through. I have fought this feeling for months, I've fought my partner for months. But something inside of me has shifted, and I've spent the last few weeks watching my body finally give way to what my soul has been trying to tell me. I've went down in almost every weight for the last few weeks, and haven't made any PR's since October. It's not been for lack of effort either. I've eaten my protein, got plenty of sleep, drank my pre-workouts, pushed my body to failure, and yet still found myself in this place of quiet knowing. There is always a choice, and sure I could choose to continue to push my body how I've been pushing it and allow my ego to wear it's little self out. Because that's what happens. If God speaks and I don't listen, He will allow me to wear my happy little self out until the choice is beyond my control, or everything in my life shifts to accompany me down a path which will most likely bring me right back to where I started. To unconditionally love myself is to listen to myself. To love myself even when I'm not doing the things my ego thinks I should be. To trust. To have a little faith. I have fought with my partner more about my power-lifting activities than I have any other subject. Defiantly exclaiming I loved it, and who was she for trying to take that away from me? I've "loved" a lot of things that weren't true expressions of loving myself. I loved booze and smoking and food... and a few other things that were preventing me from truly loving myself, unconditionally. I asked myself if working out the way I have been was showing myself love. Was it really good for me? I couldn't honestly answer yes. Yoga, absolutely, I do yoga because it's good for me, because I love myself. Cardio? Yes, I do that too because it's good for me and helps me be a better version of myself. Power-lifting? Not so much. I do that because I love it, because it does something for my ego. Not only that... I eat often eat foods that I don't really want, that my body doesn't really want so I can support my workout routine. Foods that are very heavy, and don't support my highest good, like lots of meat... I don't really like a lot of meat, so why am I eating it? To support my working out? That's doing what for me? Protecting my sensitive, soft side? Pulling me so much into the physical because I'm always in pain that I cannot connect to Spirit as easily? An honest self-appraisal says it's just another addiction, although healthier than previous ones, that has served its purpose. The time to move on has come... to love myself a little more deeply, more unconditionally. To be a little gentler with my delicate self. And as sad as that makes me to say aloud, I know deep down it's true.

Grace & Gratitude...

What Can You Learn In 60 Seconds?

First of all, I'm not sure I believe in failure. I've always believed/said failure is when you stop trying. That failure didn't exist, and I had never failed at anything. Is that an avenue I've used to avoid taking responsibility? To look at someone and say, I gave my best, I truly did. I gave 120% and it just didn't work out, it didn't turn out like I had planned, I didn't achieve my goal. It's difficult for people to see that person as having failed, because they gave everything they had, what else can you give?! How can you fault someone who walked away/quit/gave up... ONLY when they truly had nothing left to give? I sure don't. I don't fault anyone, including myself. I respect them, I admire them. But what happens when we feel we gave everything we had, only to find out in one quick instant, that obviously we had not... because if we had, we wouldn't be doing what we are in that particular instant of realization.

"An all out minute on the airdyne will, always, teach you something." - b

I had been there before. For 60 seconds, you give every last drop of yourself. Mentally, emotionally, & physically. And spiritually for that matter, because nothing fucking matters for that 60 seconds. Because this 60 seconds is between you & the airdyne, God has nothing to do with it. I was ready and willing to give it my all, everything. Was a plan beneficial or not? Because yes, I initially had one. I know how easy the first 20 seconds are, and how quickly the airdyne takes from you, relentlessly. I had assimilated a bit of a plan, was it in fact beneficial?  Guess will find out next time, when I go in without one. However, 36 seconds in, I truly felt I had nothing left. NOTHING. Like I was giving 150%, and was watching & feeling myself slow down beyond my control. Helpless. I muttered the words on the exhale of an exhausted breath, "I GOT NOTHING" somewhere between 36 & 53 seconds. Instant WTF moment. Instant rage. REALLY? You got nothing?!?! Cause saying those words alone, JUST said you had SOMETHING! Are you fucking kidding me? That was two days ago, I'm still pissed about it. I feel I gave up. I was ready to give up & I almost did until I uttered those words, shattering what I considered absolutely true & honest. Made the fact that I did break my record, meaningless. Is that really it? I'm angry because I ALMOST gave up? Most people congratulate themselves for not giving up when they wanted to, but I'm pissed at myself because I thought about it? Because I almost did? lol That's kind of ridiculous! Incredibly high standards even fore me. Eh, No. I'm angry because I was so fucking sure, POSITIVE without one shred of doubt... I had given everything, only to find out, I hadn't. How many other times in my life had this happened? I doubted everything I ever believed about myself in that moment.

Since then, I've wanted nothing more to get back on that bike. As if to tell it, I'll show you, you're not going to beat me, you are not going to take me back to that moment. I'm ready, lets go again. I won't want to quit at any point. But really now? Let's be honest. It's not about the bike. It doesn't give a shit. The only thing we are battling is ourselves & let me tell you, those who show up at the station, willing to do the work know how to battle. And for most of us, it takes way more strength to surrender than it does to keep fighting.

With Humility, Willingness, & Courage...

All Will Be Well

"All will be well, even after all the promises you've broken to yourself, all will be well, you can ask me how but only time will tell." - Gabe Dixon Band

I opened my eyes this morning, irritated. Thoughts I was tired of thinking entered before I full came out of my dream state, there was noise in the kitchen, and I had spent the last two days crying & purging of what? I"m not sure. There is an  index card on my computer desk with the words "What are you choosing to focus on RIGHT NOW?" That's an important question to ask yourself at any given moment, like checking in with your mind... bringing awareness back. We are SO often wrapped up in what's wrong we are inadvertently re-creating those same experiences  So when I ask myself that question and realize I'm focusing on pain, loss, anger, fear... I look to the left on another index card that says, "TRUST." I smile, I breathe, I reconnect to the Divine. It may seem tiny, but them more I do that, the more I create that. Eventually, it will all add up.

So I sat my irritated ass on my meditation cushion this morning, fidgety, seeing my mind as my enemy a question arose... "What are you choosing to practice right now? And you know what? That awareness was enough. Awareness is always enough. I was practicing willingness, acceptance, surrender, trust, letting go...being okay with what was, living in the moment. I was practicing trust in myself and trust in the Divine that there on that cushion this morning was exactly where I was suppose to be. I was surrendering  and accepting of where I was in that moment... frustrated and all. How beautiful & exciting. I asked myself what's the worst that could happen if I completely let go right now? For just a moment, so I did...briefly. I bet you think I'm gonna say everything stopped, and I felt peaceful and fell into a deep meditative state? NOPE, but I did smile and felt gratitude, then I gave myself permission to get off my cushion. :)

Because it is a practice and practice automatically implies patience. Practice implies multiple attempts and requires a little bit of grace. So be easy on yourself. Love ALL of you... that mind that seems to never stop, that mouth that seems to never shut up, those wounds you can't always hide. Love ALL your weakness and don't be afraid of your strengths.

"So become one with YOUR practice, your Eightfold path, embrace it as though it was the lover you had waited for your entire life. Ride with it, swim with it, sink with it, soar with it. Sail and sail hard. I'll go with you. Enlightenment is waiting on the other side of the ocean. And it will wait for however long it takes."  - Geri Larkin


Love & Light,
Dottie

Giving In or Giving All

"to know when to bend and when to leap - when to bow out and when to hurl our passion like buckets of paint across a stage. to give every last drop of our selves" - b

       So which is it? How do you know when to "bow out" or to "give every last drop of our selves?" Maybe both get you to the same place. Not sure. I do know for the last two weeks, I've not wanted to train with Burkey. I didn't "feel like it". Various reasons, or excuses.... I mean there is a very fine line between the two, and often I'm not sure if there is a line at all. I've been trying the "pushing through it" thing for two weeks. Where I show up, and do the work. First week, good. Last week, I quit half way through. This week, I woke up at 4am and couldn't stop arguing with myself about why I should keep my appointment today. I finally texted him at 6:27am and said "I can't sleep bc I'm arguing with myself about how I need to work out today. I cannot maintain any sort of desire to do so, so I'm canceling. I don't want to work that hard today." The quote above reverberated through my mind. I'm not good at resting, at taking time out to recover. I take small spurts and tell myself that was plenty. The thought of NOT working out at all for more than a day sends me almost into a panic. I'm so used to walking around with a constant low level of soreness, somewhere in my body.

   What do I feel? Shame. Anger. Impatience. I didn't want to NOT go today! What's this a lesson in? Being true to myself? Humility (burning up of that ego)? Goal setting and decision making? Distinguishing between wants and needs? Being okay with not getting what I want? Letting go of congrol? I mean, I LITERALLY just made a training schedule for the tough mudder, posted a whole blog about it and everything! THEN skipped both yin AND weight training? Wow. A lesson in not caring what other's may think maybe? OR  could  this is be about acceptance. Being with things as they are. I could run myself crazy in circles asking and attempting to answer all of these questions. I wonder if maybe I create anger inside me, so I can push myself to my limits. Or if this is how my mind creates chaos in my life. As if I'm aware enough for it to not totally run my life or drag others into the drama, but still there enough to reek havoc on me. Right now I'm angry at myself. But that isn't productive (or is it?)  and the best thing I can do is allow it to be there. Be angry at myself. If I'm okay with being angry with nyself, then a sense of happiness begins to rise to the surface because I'm technically getting what I want. I know, it's really strange how that happens isn't it?

   Under all of this. There is a quiet spaciousness that is just there. Observing all of this. A knowing that figuring it out isn't what this is about right now. Just allowing it to be there, and be gone when it's over. Feels like today is a good day to slow down, breath a little deeper, sit a little longer in meditation, and take the day in chunks. What is it I feel I need to do right now? Do that, then ask again. Those thoughts bring me peace.... and sure don't run me in crazy circles.

Love & Light,
Dottie

 

The Void

      For once in my life, a void set in and I didn't make on attempt to fill it.  I thought of all the ways I COULD have filled it eating, pof-ing (for those who don't know what that is, it's an online dating site that is one of my most favorite distractions), drinking, contacting people I had no business contacting.... all of which would have only created more chaos.

       A deep knowingness came over me that this void had a purpose, as with all voids.  Voids create a vacuum effect, it makes space for something new. It is an inkling that something is coming, maybe we should pay more attention, be ready, be open, be grateful. It is NOT our job to fill those voids < that was the clearest of all. It was not my job to fill that void.  Whew, what a fucking relief. It's the universes job to fill that void, and filled it will be. It always is. Without fail, every void we've ever felt has been filled. Sometimes we fill it with stuff that doesn't belong there, thus the feeling of something missing... because we don't know exactly what goes there.... we just don't like it being there so we'll put anything in that hole... drugs, food, sex, gambling, pills, shopping, etc. We are terrified of that empty space inside of us, as if it is going to completely swallow us up, and we are going to die. So, when that void hits, we search for anything to fill it.

     This void has been there since somewhere around 4 days ago. I simply stated, I feel a void. I just keep sitting with it, breathing with it, feeling excitement that something is coming. Maybe it's grace, maybe its growth, maybe its someone or something. Maybe I won't even realize it when it gets here, maybe I'm not suppose to know when it gets filled.... Slowly, and not-so-painfully anymore, I'm realizing that it's okay to not know. My frustrations come from my attempts at trying to figure all the shit out. My confusion comes from my own mind. My suffering comes from my constant grappling at WHATEVER only to find it's just out of my reach or won't fit anyway. Searching for something insinuates movement, when really... what I'm needing is a sacred stillness. How often do we run exhausting every option, thought, searching for answers, seeking for whatever only to find ourselves exhausted and falling into sacred stillness anyway. When we have nothing left and we collapse whether emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?

Voids won't kill us, our attempts at filling them just might though. It's not our job to fill those voids, our job is to acknowledge it and let it be there, let it serve it's purpose... and no, we don't have to know what that is...

Love & Light
Dottie

A Step Closer to Surrender

"You're not too tired, you haven't given it up yet. You're still fighting."

Somewhere along the line here, I've placed my God in my box of things I can use to help me create my life the way I think it should go, the way I want it to go. Logically knowing God has all power, I do not, and I need him. But apparently I don't trust him, and treat God as if he is just some tool I could use if I needed him. Just hanging out in my little tool box. That's not where I want him to be. If I trusted him I wouldn't be asking repeatedly and looking for signs to assure me that he's carried out MY will. Nor would I get angry because he hasn't carried out my will .As I was walking out of Denny's the other day I had a thought of going to a meeting which had been very repetitive lately so I asked Spirit, why do I need to go to meetings, and I heard "To remind you that you are not God." WOW. I then thought of the book I bought before I went into rehab called, "The Last Addiction" The last addiction is letting go of the notion we can do it ourselves, and that's exacty what I've been doing. God has always used my ego to take me where I needed to go because he knew that I would respond so much quicker. I went into nursing because a teacher told me I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, not because I felt it was my calling. I went into rehab because I wanted the attention, not because I really thought I needed it. There are only so many times I'm going to be able to talk myself out of a drink, out of picking up that knife, binging and purging that food, or indulging in unhealthy relationships.

"Lord..... Protect me from the impetuous desires of my nature- to eat and drink to much,to offer grandiose promises,to be careless with my resources: money, time, and energy, emotional, physical, spiritual. Take away my fear of what is real. Teach me to recognize your greatest gift to me, the wholeness of myself, hold me in your light, so that I can see myself as you see me. Amen"

Someone posted that on the wall of The Mid about a month ago and those words have floated around in my head ever since. I was just going to type that I wanted to rephrase it. As if that just doesn't quite fit me. How dare I just accept something as is? Control much? Hmph. Yeah, I do. I try to anyways, and you see how that's working out for me. I'm frustrated and exahusted. I watch my time and energy wasted on things that haven't happened and probably won't happen. Rarely, if ever do I live in the moment. Nor do I live in the past or present. I often live in some other place, Dottie's world apparently. Where I always say the things I wanted to say, things happening just the way I want, and I pick apart a million possible ways something MIGHT happen along with a mental list of how I would react just incase, and fears. Let's not forget the fears, I get to expeirence fear of things that haven't happened and most likely will not all while being terrified of re-living the fears I have actually expierienced.

So what am I going to do? Well, actively putting a plan together to rid myself of this place which I am right now, which is exactly where I'm suppose to be or God wouldn't have me here, would be once again feeding my insatiable desire to control my life. I've been asking God "What else do you want me to do." Then I'm usually crying to hard to hear him, then I get pissed because one he hasn't answered me and two I wanted it yesterday, so he's already behind schedule. It's okay, you can laugh it is funny, sad, but funny. It's time I get out of my head, and into my heart. They say, and I believe this, that God is within each of us, God is Love, and Love comes from our heart center. Well, since I discovered some time ago that you cannot control your emtions I opted not to feel any, at all. I shut it all down. I jumped RIGHT the fuck out of my heart, because thoughts I can control, emotions I cannot. It is no surprise that anger had become my dominant emotion and God is in a box alon with a hundred other "tools" I can use if I feel like I need them, not the all powerful, all loving Creator that I have absolutely zero control over.

So again, what am I going to do? Obviously that was everything I'm not going to do. I'm going to pay close attention to how I feel about everything. I'm going to do, not think. I'm going to sit in my meditation and just feel whatever it is I feel. My morning prayers will consist of "God, what do you want me to do today"  and silence. I'm going to gently remind myelf it's okay to not know everything, and that it has been only by God's grace I've not climbed back into that bottle wrapped with beautiful, invisible bows of self-destruction and self-sabotoging.

Thank you God.

Dottie