Creating Support

So, I've been trying to write this blog for the last 2-3 days, not so sure what the issues is. It's been one of those those things that come with a gnawing reminder which only intensifies the longer you DON'T do it. At this point I'm getting a little irritated I haven't written this yet, maybe that's a good thing, getting irritated shaves off the fluff I can sometimes add to my blogs. Maybe that's why it's now that I'm finally sitting down to write this.

So, here's the thing... just under a year ago, I felt guided to begin a weight loss support group (I think I described  it something a little more fancy, with a lot more words, but that's what it was none the less). I based it off a similar idea I had with 12 Steps & Beyond. Both groups being focused on healing the core issues of why we suffer from addictive behaviors, and in healing those being able live a life of freedom and not limitation & fear. I had spent a couple years in the 12 step programs of AA and when it had served its purpose I was done, I needed something more that was offered there, and if I needed it so did others. I didn't know where to find it, so I created it... and there was 12 steps & beyond which ran for over and year and did beautifully, only ended because then center was closing.

The issue has been this... never have I had more than one person come to any class/workshop/support group yet, something won't let me give up on this. It's like I'm waiting for something to shift. I'm waiting for me to understand something and posses a different kind of outlook or energy or experience  or something. Maybe now I'm not so unsure of myself, so afraid, and I'm not listening to other people (although I love & respect them) in how I should promote, how often I should host, how much I should charge or what it should be called. Maybe there's a component of I needed to realize that I need this too. Before I went into it with the attitude of I was going to teach something, I had the experience, medical background, intuitive gifts, and looked at weight loss from an angle many don't even consider. I wanted to make this group so I could help other people, and share with them things that could hopefully help them feel the freedom I felt. As noble as all that sounds, it is a little cocky. A little ego based. My intentions were good, but my ego was big. I needed time to learn that I need this group, as much as anybody else needs it. I needed people to make this group possible. We all have varying degrees of experience, medical background, intuitive gifts, and can't all possible look at weight loss the same way.

So, here we go. That steady, quiet voice is still there encouraging me to try this again. Without my autobiography attached to the group page, without the lengthy description of what it is and could be for you, and  without my fear of what I'm going to teach or do that meeting or doing it wrong. Instead with an openness  to allow the universe to unfold it unto what it's suppose to be, with asking only a love donation, and with me simply being accepting, willing, and present. I have always believed in this group. That it has a place and a purpose. I think now I'm finally in a place of believing in myself enough to carry it out...

With Grace & Gratitude
Dot

Preparation

"Nothing can prepare her for what she's about to see."

It's four in the morning on Christmas. I've been up since 2:30, not sure why, I just know it's peaceful, still, and Angela isn't sleeping either. It's been quite a while since I've felt inspired to write in the middle of the night and given myself the permission to do so.

At any given moment, the universe is trying to tell us something. What, always seems to be the question. With a little reflection, the answer will revel itself. The last several days I've found myself surrounded conversations expierences about the veil, opening and using our God given gifts, clarity on physical aliments, and helping people transition from this life to the next. Just to name the most prevalent  The last 4 weeks have been interesting. Since I've put in my 30 day notice, 3/4 of my patients have died, if not more. People I didn't even expect, then I'd run into there loved ones at Wal-Mart, literally almost run into them. I've over heard things such as "his pain is from a different dimension, we can give him all the drugs he wants, but its not in the physical body, it's just manifesting there" from sources which surprise me, like our medical director. I've been reminded of the things I can do outside of the physical plane, like holding thoughts of peace and love and healing and sending that to people affected by tragedy. To allow myself to be a vessel of peace and prayer, doing energy work. As opposed to, getting angry and focusing on whats wrong with the world, and having the courage to express that to others. For the first time since I can remember, when I saw a breaking news  story of 20 children gunned down, I felt it. I grieved for them, and their families. I didn't turn the channel or avoid the conversations; I didn't pretend like it didn't happen because I felt too helpless to do anything. I've noticed repetitive thoughts such as my birth name; how I have denied and hid, and joked about how maybe when I'm 90 I'll let people call me Dorothy. But tonight I laid in bed and thought about how much more comfortable I feel going by it these days, I would even say at work it's a preference. I prefer it, why? Why all of a sudden do I prefer going by the name I have refused to use for years? Maybe it's because it has a stronger energy to it, or because it's easier for customer service to look me up in the computer, or maybe it's because I'm finally ready to be the woman I was born to be.

"Nothing can prepare her for what she's about to see." I heard that this morning, when I woke up at 2:30am and pulled the curtain back to see the moon lighting up the snow covered ground. As if, on a soul level, my higher self was preparing me, but was limited in what it could show me without me being in it. And with that, a knowing-ness that very soon that limit would no longer be there.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Inner Explorations

"Be impeccable with your word."

That phrase has rolled around in my head for almost a week. The first two days it was quite strong. Be impeccable with your word. That is one of the four agreements, which I read almost 4 years ago. I pay attention to repetitive things, with intentions of becoming more conscious and hopes of learning lessons before they become so loud and obvious they are causing chaos in my life trying to get my attention. On the most superficial, most obvious level, I have a hard time keeping my word, and often avoid making plans because I know the likely hood of me sticking to them are slim. Me saying I will do something, or go somewhere doesn't mean shit to a lot of people because they have known me long enough to know that it's more surprising when I actually do follow through on things. Granted this is something I've been working on for a while and I have made some progress, but I know there is still work to do. And when that small, still voice whispers the same line over and over again, I tend to take some extra time out and check in with myself, and that voice. I find it absolutely fascinating to watch how the universe tries to get our attention, and what we can find out with a little bit of willingness to see.

When I am not impeccable with my word a spiral begins, the most immediate is feelings of guilt, shame, and anger. And who handles those well?? Which cause me to avoid people and try to ignore those feelings. This is where forgiveness should play a part, but it's much harder to forgive yourself or ask for forgiveness when you know, it will most likely happen again. Apologizing is worthless without intentions to change. So if forgiveness doesn't happen, we try ignore it, or justify it. Which usually ends me up in the middle of my favorite comfort food, which always makes me ask, "Why are you really eating this Dot?"  I've also been doing a lot of coughing and throat clearing the last week or so, which tells me something is clearing out of my throat chakra, something with voice and or communication. Then after yoga the other day a friend told me how she had been having throat issues and said she was okay with it because things were clearing for her as well in the area of "self expression." AH. Things are really starting to come together at this point. I feel like I"m rambling, and this isn't where I thought this was going here at 7am on a Friday morning, fuck. Simply a desire to express myself, I suppose, writing has always offered me greater insight, and I offer it to others in hopes of allowing them the same.Today it does feel a little choppy though and all over the place, but apparently that's where I'm at with this whole voicing, expressing, saying things I mean, and holding to what I say. Opening ourselves to others and saying here's where I'm at and what I'm struggling with, allows them to open as well. It brings us together in a way of gentleness and compassion.... back to my original thought, that brought us all here... on a deeper, less superficial level, being impeccable with my word just doesn't effect my relationship with other people, it effects my relationship with myself. It causes a discord between my conscious mind and my higher self, it creates obstacles in achieving my goals and a mistrust within myself. The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have, because that relationship is with God. We are God, together we make the God consciousness. Loving each other, and loving every part of ourselves is how we will create and transcend these times of turmoil both in our inner and outer worlds. Because God is Love, and Love is what heals. And here we are, as always, back at the source.

With Grace and Gratitude...

Determination and the Search

Anyone who knows me, knows that once I know something or someone has served it's purpose, I walk away. I'm done. I will leave in search of what will best serve me on the next phase of my journey. I'm often a little scared, non-supported by those around me out of their own fear of what I may do or what may happen. Moving to Michigan, leaving AA, and uprooting myself and moving to Lansing for a relationships I'd only been in for 5 weeks are just a few examples. I'm known for making big changes, taking big risks, overcoming obstacles, and being determined. I'm stubborn, and when I'm faced with giving up because something isn't currently working, my stubbornness comes in handy. I'm searching right now, for what works for me. What will help propel me on the final stretches of my weight loss journey. One of the biggest, most simplest things I took from AA was "Be willing to do whatever it takes." I love that saying. Sometimes, it takes a fight, sometimes it takes a surrender. Sometimes it takes someone to break down your fucking ego, or build your trust in yourself. First it takes some stillness, some quietness, a whole lot of prayer, and a little bit of grace. To hear yourself, to hear God. Not your fear, not your old mindset, not everything and everyone you ever knew to be right, good, and true most times. Sometimes, things change. A shift happens, and we find ourselves in the middle of something not working that always did. We find a new struggle, within our comfort zone. We find a give and take, a re-arranging of our lives. We find ourselves searching, just as we had so many times before, for what works for us now. For the person we are now. Not the person we were last winter, the person we were 3 years ago, or the person we know in high school. We seek to find the limits, support, and drive of who we are at this very moment. I stood in the shower today and asked myself if my days of weight lifting were over. If lifting really heavy shit had served its purpose. It might have. In my moments of sacred stillness I'm drawn to cardio, Vinyasa and Ashtanga yoga, and self-training. A knowing and an execution in progress. A smidge reluctance as it goes against so many things I have beheld as truth for sometime, but that's okay. I've been here before. I'm too stubborn to quit, and it's all too familiar to be afraid. But change? That I can do... That I am doing. With a little grace, I am finding what works for me... and that's what determination is. Knowing there is always a way. An understanding that eventually, you will find it as long as you keep looking, keep asking, and keep moving.

What Now? I'll tell you what now...

Usually, I start with a quote, followed by an explanation of where it came from, who said it, and what it made me feel. Some witty comment, some something that made me think. Something that sparked the creative reflectiveness that has grown to be my most useful and productive means of personal growth. At thist moment however, I don't have one, but my desire to write is overwhelming. I wrote that out in my journal the other day just before my pen died... I said fuck it. So here I am. It has been a while. What is my most pressing issue? I'm struggling. I'm struggling with my eating, my working out, my yoga-ing my everything that got me where I am over the last 3 1/2 years. The things that have been my catalysts of balance, peace, serenity. I get that that things change. That what I was doing, wasn't working for me anymore. I remember walking into the gym in February and telling Burkey that I was no longer working from a wounded place and something needed to change. I struggled then, but clang to it. I clang to the station, to Anytime, to B Murphy, and to Bodhi Seed and hit a standsill, but it wasn't the first time I just needed to keeping going. So what now? What now, when all of those places are almost 2 hours and a half a tank of gas away? What now when I have to consider another person in my eating plan, what now with the added temptation of having things in the house that I don't want to eat, not because I don't like them or don't want them, but becuase I don't want the calories, I don't want the results of that decision. I've been making bad decisions day after day, I've told myself the things I've told others before, the things I told myself in the beginning. And yet, here I am. Struggling. Looking down at my body thinking, fuck. This is were I was last Thanksgiving, I've gained almost 20lbs. I can blame it on the job, I can blame it on the love but It's fairly simply actually. I don't work out like I used too, I don't eat like I used too, and I don't yoga like I used too. I don't do the things I need to do, to get to where I want to be. PERIOD. I've asked myself, where is my drive? Where is my motivation? About a year into my weight loss eating just wasn't an issue anymore, much like smoking wasn't an issue and drinking wasn't an issue. So what now? No that it IS an issue, when I find myself over eating every day. I breathe. I ask myself, what is the issue here? What do I feel and where do I feel it? I wonder if I'm making sense, if this blog is even worth posting. I know that something has got to change. I don't work from a wounded place anymore, and thats great... but I'm not working from anyplace. I'll choose working from wounded than not working at all. God, Self, show me what I need to do now do hit my goal wt I set 3 1/2 years ago, please show me the way. Open my eyes, my mind and bless grant me the courage and faith do follow what it is that you show me... I am again, humbled, mostly willing. There is anger there, anger at myself. Reflecting on past training at the station makes me feel as if I failed someone or something. As if I betrayed myself. I feeling of undeserving, because I stopped wanting to work that hard. There's the issue that brings tears to my eyes, that station was my sanctuary, a feeling of connectedness amongst others who pushed there bodies to what seemed like pure punishment, but did so with a smile. I look at Chris Burkeybyle and feel shame, disappointment. I can feel myself wanting to hang my head. Wanting to redeem myself, but feeling as if I have fallen to far. A desire to run back to what I know works, but an understanding that I'm not that person anymore, it won't work. A need for his approval, hmm there's something to sit with when in all actuality the approval I'm seeking is my own, and my expectations are so high anything less that above average perfection feels like failure. So if I can't find the gray area, I better learn to stay above the black. All roads lead home, all lessons lead to the Self. I've spent the last 3 yrs drawing my drive from the faith others had in me, from there vision of who I was and what I was capable. It's time to draw from mySelf, to not only know that it is within me, but to actually pull, push, and drive from that.

14 hours later, after the computer died preventing me from posting... I found my quote.

Thank you Spirit for answering me plea, I'm ready.

Leaping Into the Unknown

"Go be you."

So, I here I sit, with Bigby's version of a white chocolate peppermint mocha, in a town I had never heard of until about 3 months ago. I asked the universe about 2 hours ago where I needed to go today, and what I needed to do. Looks like I needed to write, because here I am. "Go be you" I've been told that several times over the last couple weeks, in slightly various ways but the jist is the same... be me. Which most often leads one to ask the question, who am I? Well, I didn't even open that can of worms today. I did, however, hear myself say, "I am, and I take chances. I am a women who takes chances."

Up until the last couple years that risk-taking part of me just might, and most likely was, rooted in a fear-based or addict driven place. But not now. I've done the work. My risk-taking is born from a place within me that pulls not pushes. That guides & flows. The most powerful thing I learned from alcoholics anonymous was being willing to do whatever it took. And most often that invloves facing a lot of fear. I encourage change, growth, facing of fears, and digging deep. That's what I do. That's part of who I am. How dare I exclude myself from such endeavours? I don't. As a rule, I don't ask someone to do something I wouldn't. I've let change happen. Within a matter of 2 months I watched my life morph in front of my very eyes. Within 2 months I've fallen in love, resigned from two jobs, bought a truck, moved two hours away in with my girlfriend, left the station, left my yoga studio... The amount of change and shifting has been staggering. But it's as if I didn't do any of it, it just happened. My only job was to LET IT, which involved facing fears. The usual fears of what if I don't find a job? Letting people down, like my Uncle, my boss. I sat on the edge of Angie's couch a few days before I officially moved in an with tears in my eyes I said, "To say I'm not scared would be a lie, I am a little scared, but I want this." Ya know what, I feel like I"m rambling... so let's get to the point.

The point is, fuck yes, change is a little scary. HOWEVER, in my expierence in my own life and watching others has been, that the scarier the change, the more amazing and liberating the results. I spent the entire winter learning patience & trust. I now see why that was so pertient for me to learn at this particular time in my life. I lept. I lept into the unknown with nothing but faith that there was, in fact, something in motion and it was good. Something I may not understand, and the funny thing was... this time, I didn't seek to understand it. For once in my life, I didn't pull a million oracle cards, seek our guidance from some very powerful intuitves, or even simple advice from friends who know me failry well. I watched myself change, I watched my desire for what I had been doing for the past two fade, relationships crumble, things stop working that had worked for a long time.

LEAP. There has been multiple energetic shifts which is effecting all of us, in a similar broad fashion of things clearing out to make room for new, and then intricately different & unique for each of us on a soul level. It is more painful to cling to that which is being pulled away than it is to leap empty handed into the void.

Working Un-wounded

"I no longer operate from a wounded place."


What I said to my trainer about 6 weeks ago when I walked into the station and the smell of iron didn't taste as sweet, and the sound of clinging bars didn't make me want "to give every last drop of myself."


There are those of us who welcome change a little more than others.  Those of us who thrive on growth, change, flexibility, surprises, going with the flow. Those of us who have a positive relationship with discomfort, and even pain. I am one of those people. I have been watching people's lives change over the last 5 weeks dramatically, including my own. Encouraging others to let go of that which no longer served them. I watched others fight to hold onto what the universe was trying to break apart, while mine seemed to be coming together effortlessly. Reminding them of the new which was waiting just around the corner, if only we could let go. The parts of my life crumbling where parts I had been waiting to fall.  Until today. Today, I get to apply my own teachings. Today I get to start the process of letting go of something that has been an integral part of my growth over the last 2 years and yes, it's heartbreaking & scary.

Shifting

     I've spent the last several weeks watching & riding a wave of energy which is bringing enormous amounts of change for many, I'd actually be confident enough to say... all.  How it effects each of us is the variable.  

      The biggest complaints brought my attention are stomach issues, primarily diarrhea, along with anxiety issues, & sleepiness. Exploring those very issues with people I've noticed the ones with diarrhea exhibit a last minute willingness on various levels, to let go. To let go of that which no longer serves them. A feeling of FINALLY learning embodying things such as patience, the ability to surrender to the process, see asepcts of themselves the universe has been gracefully trying to show them for years, etc.  Something cannot change on one level and not somehow effect all the others... hence the physical detox following the mental/emotional/spiritual. The people I've noticed most prone to feeling more sleepy & eating slightly heavier meals are those more sensitive/intuitive people. As if we feel this shift coming and we are preparing ourselves to be available for the influx of those seeking answers & reassurance. We are eating more heavy foods, and sleeping more somewhat like an athlete does before a big race. Those who have seemed to be doing "the work" so to speak of inner voyaging over the last few years & slowly going through this process of discovering who they really are seem to be having way less physical symptoms. As if their bodies have built some kind of tolerance or strategy to deal with these shifts, and change is a little more comfortable for them, on all levels. They seem to have a vague sense that something is changing, but it feels very normal to them, after all, they've been doing it for some time. The anxiety issues/panic attacks are arising for people who aren't so willing to let go. Who are still fighting and clinging to what they've always known out of fear, and a desire to NOT feel what is surfacing. LET IT SURFACE. It's okay. I promise it won't kill you to look at yourself, but running from it will. 

       Because the energy has shifted. As a planet, our vibration is raising through individual people's willingness to raise their own vibration, to "be the change they wish to see in the world." Well, that's exactly what's happening. And one of us cannot change without someone else changing, and many of us cannot change without a noticeable change in the world collectively. This higher energy vibration is being felt by all of us... it's shaking shit to the surface of our conscious minds that can be a little frightening. Aspects of our selves long hidden or denied. Opportunites within our personal relationships (especially our primary ones such as significant others & parent/child) to heal long held emotional traumas are becoming more and more frequent. For God sakes, TAKE THESE OPPORTUNITIES. I promise you, they are only going to become more frequent, and more intense. The Universe WILL get your attention. The last few years some of the greatest spiritual teachers of our time have focused on going inward, getting to know our shadow self, dealing with deep rooted emotional issues. Why? Because maybe on some level... they new this was coming. This energy coming in now as we speak which will usher us into a new era of human connected-ness. This is what 2012 is about. The end of our world as we all have known it, not that an asteroid is coming to take us all out. Old ways of thinking doing are simply falling away, but yes there will be chaos. The amount of chaos will be directly related to the amount of energy WE spend fighting it. Fighting what is. 

      This change is inevitable, and it's okay. It's beautiful really. So, breath deep, doing so is so underrated. Seek out relationship with people who empower you, support you, and truly love you. Give to others what you are wanting more of in your life, whether it's friendship, love, a listening ear, compassion, understanding. By doing so you are creating more of that in your life. GET OUT SIDE. Nothing is more supportive or more grounding that the earth energy itself. SLEEP. Listen to your body, if you need to take a nap, by all means take a nap! It's okay. Things are changing. We need to listen, more so than we ever have. We need to honor ourselves and take a moment of reverence to step back and ask the Universe, "what is really going on here?" 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Pay Attention. Know Thyself

Pay attention. Know thyself.

How easy it is to read over those words and somewhere inside of yourself know the magnitude of which doing those things can change your life, but choosing not to do them. I'm certain it's rarely a conscious decision. Who DOESN'T say they want a good life? Happiness? Joy? Freedom? We all do. Some of us, just work harder for it than others. Some of us just aren't willing right now to put forth the effort required. Some are too afraid to face that which hides beneath the facades of who we think we are. Some of us don't work at all. I work at it. Many people work at it. Diligently, methodically. I encourage others to do the same. To know thyself. To know your personality. To know how to use every single aspect of who you are to achieve your goals, your dreams.

Allegory. I thought of that word as I was working through some yoga poses to loosen up my spine this morning for my Sunday training session with Burkey. I asked him in a half-sleep haze to do my least favorite workout in the world. The one that makes me want to lay on my stomach like a small child and pound my fists on the ground. The one that quickly induces a "I don't give a fuck anymore" attitude. The workout that makes quitting seem totally acceptable. I asked for that this morning. Therefore I was okay with it (on some level). Whining becomes totally unacceptable, a gentle reminder that "I asked for this." The question, the REAL question... the "know thyself" question came when I thought... what if I didn't want to do that workout this morning, and that was what was planned. How would I have reacted? How long would it have taken to compose myself? Would I have worked as hard? Pay attention. I'll pay attention today. Because one day, beyond my control, beyond my planning... The universe, God, & Burkey will conspire against me on my least willing & expecting day and I will have to do an "easy" ab workout. It is then, I will  really learn something about myself. I'll pay attention today, and wait for that. Then sit with it, and let it change me, for the better.  Welcome to the station. This is what we do, if you're willing to do the work.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Acceptance

"Take what the universe gives you."

     I don't think she had a clue how much of an impact that would have on me when she wrote it on my wall. I've been sitting with it for weeks. Acceptance. I had forgotten how powerful a prayer that was, and how much freedom came along with it. I keep asking myself, what is the universe giving to me right now? And how can it serve the highest good? I have been fighting for months the ending of my last relationship. A few weeks ago I finally broke down and pretty much begged her to start over. Told her of the void I felt without her, and how I believed more in the power of our Love to create miracles more so than the power of our ego's to tear us apart. She said that's not what she wanted at all. What choice did I have but to accept that? To grieve? To love her anyway and let go of that which was causing my pain? What was the universe giving me? An out. An absolution. Room for someone else.

I've spent the majority of my life becoming more conscious of who I am and what is. I've also spent a good chunk of that time choosing the lessons I did or didn't want to learn, embarking on various paths because I wanted to learn this, or learn that... because it was fairly obvious those were things I could learn from the particular avenue I was taking. Most often, I did learn those lessons, and more. "Take what the universe gives you" made me think that maybe the universe does have this shit all under control. I don't need to consciously choose the next lesson to learn. Somewhere along the last several months a sense of patience and trust has grown in me, I wasn't sure would ever find it's place in my life. These two things I think are what have allowed me to relax into what the universe is giving me, right now at this point in my life. A logical understanding that if it wasn't what I needed right now I wouldn't be experiencing it becomes a deep understanding. It helps me to welcome change a little easier, to say goodbye with a little more grace, and welcome the new with arms wider spread.  It helps me to struggle a less trying to figure out what it is I REALLY want, and allow me to simply ask the universe to bring it to me. A surrender of sorts. A confession, that I often have no fucking clue what I really want... but God does, the Universe does, whatever you'd like to call "It" does.... and I ask that, to go inside my heart and bring those desires to me, and give me the courage and willingness to accept them once they get here.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Vengence

"Take what the universe gives you <3"

I am being rebellious. I can feel it. Like a child's last attempt at fighting the inevitable. I sit here now I've meditated reluctantly the last couple days. Compromising with the universe.... such as... I'm only gonna sit here and take 5 deep breaths then I'm done. I've not wanted to meditate for the last couple weeks. However, my intention has been to listen. Astrologically, today is an optimal day specifically midnight) I think, to finally release the things which we've been struggling to let go of. To write down your wishes. I "stumbled" across that a few days ago... it's been plaguing my mind ever since. I know it my gut, it's something I need to do. So what is it? My vengeful tendencies including but not limited too saying/doing things with the intentions of it causing jealousy/anger to "fuck with someone." Wanting to post fb status or say things to elude to the fact that I'm seeing someone else now. Seems I want to do that on a daily basis. But here's the thing. What I give, I keep. What I wish for someone else, I wish for myself. :-/ And I wonder why jealousy is such an issue for me? And here's the other thing. Under the anger and the hurt, there is Love. I love her. Deep down, we don't want to hurt those we love, that's why the high of vengeance is so fleeting. Then we seem to be plagued by some vague sense of feeling "bad." That's not the person I choose to be. Love is what will heal the world. The work put forth in fostering more trust & patience in my life are evident, but still a working progress. Thank God for that.

So, where is my focus? Remaining centered, calm, collected. Grateful & peaceful. Letting the universe do it's thing and remaining open to guided action. It's about practice. By taking what the universe gives me, I am allowing It to teach me the things I most need to learn & experience.

Right now... It's giving me.....a very long silence as the song begins to sing "But I want want want to be in love for real"...  *sighs, it's giving me something that doesn't need to be analyzed right here, right now.

With Grace & Gratitude...

And I said I Wasn't Going to Listen...

"What makes it so FUCKING hard to be in a relationship with me?" 


I was watching the L word. After watching yet another relationship slip through her fingers Bette asked Tina this question. I knew so strongly that I needed to hear this answer because I had heard myself ask that very same questions several times... I literally sat up, scooted to the edge of the couch and took a breathe... this was Tina's response:

"You're a control freak. You think your things are more important than everyone else's which makes things really, really hard in a relationship. Your work. Your needs. Your ideas. Are always right, always on a higher plane. You're more enlightened. You're more informed. You're more intuitive."


My fucking jaw dropped. Yup, that definitely sounds like that could fit me. This hit me hard... not to mention I had also just admitted to myself before sitting down to watch that I was refusing to listen to what the universe was gracefully trying to tell me. "You are seeking to find what you want to hear, you're not listening" ... what I heard on my walk about an hour before. I got back. I wanted to eat, but I also knew deep down, my want to eat was an urge to quiet what I didn't want to hear. So I admitted to myself, to God, & to whatever other beings of Light might have been listening that I was WELL AWARE I wasn't listening & really didn't have the desire to do so. However, as I was saying this I found myself sitting on a pillow in my floor. Funny how that happens. Somewhere inside of me, apparently, there was enough willingness (although I didn't see it) to have me sitting in that floor meditation style. I took maybe five deep breaths, but that was all the universe was getting out of me. I got up, got my food, and sat my happy ass in front of the L word. And since I wasn't going to be quiet enough to listen, the universe decided to answer a little more loudly and make it a little more unmistakeable. Hence, the question above.


I decided a couple months ago I was absolutely willing to truly know why relationships seem to be so difficult for me. I always want more. Never want what I have. Nothing is never enough. I equate healthy with boring & hard with worth it, always. I loose myself, collapse within the rush, the feelings, the chemistry. The sheer delight of embarking upon something new. It's exciting. I panic when I realize I'm in too deep & retreat. The need to be in control is so ingrained I'm not even conscious I'm doing it half the time. The other half the time I'm desperately trying to fight it because I don't want to be that person, I don't want to be a control freak. I fight to resist my urge to be in control, because I view it as an unacceptable aspect of my personality. And if you know anything about the shadow effect... THOSE parts of us are what runs & ruins our lives and sabotages our relationships. Not to mention, what you resist, persists. Attempting to focus my thoughts on being at ease with life, putting my energies there. My heart is pounding right now.

I was asked the other day why I hadn't  been in a relationship for longer than a year. She said, "I only ask for the flaws because its like... ok smart, beautiful, wonderful mind, seems like a good happy personality,  likes a lot of the common interests... so whats the catch lol.... mine has always been my work ethic and motivation to my job and learning." I don't remember what my response was... but it sure the hell wasn't this. God bless us, maybe it should have been, lol.


So, what now? Thank the universe for coming across so clearly. Ask for the steps to take so this can be an accepted and positive part of my personality, and the willingness to take those steps as they are shown to me. Either it will be integrated in a more positive fashion, or leave entirely... baby steps...

With Grace, Gratitude, & some humor...

ANGER

Four years of a serious commitment & willingness to do whatever it takes to be whole again. I've found that anger, more anger than I can even fathom still resides underneath it all. Even after the sobriety, the fourth steps, the weight loss, the quitting smoking, there is still anger.  An anger that makes me scream at the top of my lungs at my cat to shut up. An anger that makes me lock myself in room from fear, fear of what I will say or do because of it. An anger of which I am so ashamed of I've looked at my most trusted, intuitive mentors & guides and told them they are wrong, there is no anger.

What emotions do I deem unacceptable?
A question which I wrote on a tattered piece of envelope sitting on my kitchen table. Anger, was the first, second was self pity. I've yet to seriously sit down with that question long enough to ask myself this question and and wait for the long answer. I could go on for paragraphs about how I came to this moment, the questions I asked, the signs that brought me here, but I may just use that as an excuse so when I get down to it, I can stop just before the miracle happens and say I've had enough. So, where's the anger coming from?

This is what I thought of as I laid in bed, SOMETIMES... I am angry at life and SOMETIMES I just need to sit on my pity-pot and vent for a minute... My life has been really fucking hard. I didn't ask for this shit. I'm angry because deep down, that child inside of me feels like it wasn't fair. I didn't ask for my father to be so broken that even in his best attempts he shattered me too. I didn't ask to have  a sexual history that started at 5 years old, that even at 26 just might still be part of the reason I've yet to hold a healthy, committed relationship. Watching the fall of my parents relationship fucked me up. My part played in the divorce and me blaming myself for taking my brother & myself away from my father caused so much guilt & shame I was forced to create coping mechanisms. And guess what? Those coping mechanisms landed me in a rehab center 8 years later. I had found that the smoking, the booze, the food, the cutting, the sex, the weight... NONE of it worked anymore. So, this self I'm suppose to trust & love apparently lied, I wasn't okay. I wasn't happy, and I didn't love life. Otherwise, I wouldn't had been occupying a bed at Brighton Hospital.  Again, hitting the high points, only to peel back the onion to go a little deeper...

THIS is what life has given me, THIS is what life has done to me, and you want me to trust life?! You want me to be okay when life takes something from me? You have ANY FUCKING IDEA how much fear creates? WHAT AM I GONNA DO? And I ask that question in respect to what am I gonna do to myself? To the people most closely involved? Am I going to regress? Am I going to hurt myself? Am I going to hurt others? What if my manipulation tendencies kick in and I don't see them? What if I do more damage. I just want to be whole. I just want to be okay. Is that too much to ask? I have diligently and methodically peeled away at layers upon layers upon layers of shit that LIFE has wrapped me up in. And NOW, I'm being told to trust life? If it is taken away, let it go?! FUCK YOU.

I'm angry at life, I'm scared of myself... and sometimes I feel the parts that did come easy, are often written off by others... "Well your really smart", "You have your Uncle", "You're nurse." "You're just a determined person."

It's exhausting. Does it end? Does the pain stop? Does the anger go away? Or is it like a temporary thing? Will I always find some dirt on myself, face it, let it go... only to find something else, to do it all over again? Or is it like one of those bottomless food bowls where the soup automatically keeps filling up? I can't remember the last time I felt this lost & alone, this depressed, this angry. I can't remember the last time I wanted to drink as bad as I did last night and this morning. I can't remember the last time that everything I felt my internal world come crumbling down around me, questioning everything I ever believed. I'm so fucking tired. For the most part I really believe the bullshit I've been through can be used to help someone else, but tonight I'm tired. Tired of fighting Life, but there's so much anger. I can't help but want to punch life in the face sometimes...

Seeing The Humor

Collect yourself, see the humor, and keep your faith strong. Be patient. Be kind. Wait on the will of Heaven. Avoid addictive behaviors. 

The same messages I've been getting in various ways very strongly over the last few days. And guess what I've done? Been a neurotic mess, cried, questioned God. Pissed on patience, been a selfish asshole. Refused to wait on shit, and eaten 3/4 a box of chocolate chip cookies and watched the L word. So here I am at 3:31am. For the first time in days, I feel a sense of peace, and I finally see the humor. 

"I was born to laugh, I learned to laugh through my tears."

The song I've had on repeat since yesterday. When I do choose to watch TV I find it's often exactly what I needed to see, to show me something. The last episode of the L word was like me watching myself. Crying. Begging the women she was in love with to start over. Giving a list of reasons including, but not limited too "The sex was earth shattering, the connection was instantaneous." I watched this woman voice a willingness to give up her husband, because she had experienced her first relationship with a women, and was so in love she couldn't contain it. I literally laughed out-loud when another character told the other woman,  "You have to break up with her." "I did" she responded. "Well you have to re-break up with her, some lesbians you have to break up with twice." .... it was then, I began to see the humor. Then, they all shared there "coming out affairs" and how in love they all were, how they were planning their lives, and thought it would never end. How it took them ridiculous amounts of time to pull themselves together because they thought they had really found it, the love of their life.... I stopped eating the cookies. I didn't feel so alone. I smiled.

She will always be my coming out story. My coming out affair. She was my first of many things. I chose her & she took my hand. As if she knew I had been wondering my entire life what it would be like, and she said let me show you. But I've been here before, this sense of peace that everything is just as it should be. Nothing but gratitude for what has been, what is, & what will be. I pray this nestles so deeply in my soul, that I can embody it. It's not so much the letting go that's hard, it's the not picking it back up again. My intense want to start over, to try it again, is preventing us from being really great friends. All of a sudden I don't want to write anymore. It's over. She truly believes it has served it's purpose. I on the other hand, am having a real hard time believing that. I've been fighting it. It's within this fight that my happiness has been disturbed. I thought alot about acceptance today. "Life on life's terms" It's been a while since I've thought about that saying. If life takes it away from you, let it go. Trust life. That can be really hard for me at times. Right now, I'm grateful. I'm humored. Maybe now I can sleep...

With Grace & Gratitude

Ready & Willing

      The last year of blogs regarding relationships have been the same thing, same thing over & over, and the same thing I'm dealing with right now.  I am ready & willing now. The pain has become great enough. I think of her everyday. True or not, I blame myself for the end of our relationship. I yearn to touch your face with the palm of my hand, touch your forehead to mine. To close my eyes & tell you how much love you and how much I've missed you, and gently kiss your lips. Here are the tears, 2 months later. "I don't deal with regret & jealousy well" "There is remorse, fatigue, and compassion in my heart." "Patience is powerful." "I've spent the last 12 years making repeated mistakes, trying to hard, clinging, pushing away, crying, humiliating myself." ---- re-reading those words scattered within old blogs just makes me shake my head, especially when some were from almost a year ago. The answers where always there, just as they have been countless times before. I felt I was in this same place last year around this same time! Only then, I wasn't ready. I team-built, I felt sorry for myself. I ran back to the tired and true, to just lay there and hold me. I went online dating to distract myself from what I was feeling. After all, it was his doing, not mine. He decided to bail. (Please not the sarcasm) I was asking all the wrong questions. I just wanted the pain to GO AWAY, I didn't want to explore shit. I couldn't. I couldn't deal with it, it was too much for me. I'm so ready now. I'm going to see my hypnotherapist on Monday, my gut tells me to NOT do anything ridiculous before I get there. To not stubbornly insist upon my will. To be patient, kind, understanding. To surrender to this process of growth & healing of all concerned. There has always been so much mystery surrounding our relationships, so much unknown. As if, the potential untouchable greatness of what can be, can only be tasted when both of us are entirely ready. When both of us make the decision to feel our old pain, and prepare our hearts for what's available between us. As if free will is playing a huge part. Like we decided before we got here we would tackle this in this lifetime, and now we aren't so sure. Now that our humanness allows us to fully feel such deep, soul engulfing pain our willingness is stifled by fears.

I'm ready to know how I sabotage my relationships, forgive myself, and open my heart to new healthy beginnings. What am I doing to create these same types of relationships? What do I need to release to attract more healthy relationships? I am ready to see how and why, and let it go. I breathe in patience, I breathe in trust... Thank you for my willingness. Thank you my clarity. Thank you.

Dear God,
I'm ready now. I'm willing now. Please show me how I block love in my life. I am ready to see what my relationship history is trying to show me about myself. Help me to be free so I can fully enjoy deep, loving, healthy relationships. May the relationships I partake in contribute to the highest good of all. Thank you.


With Grace & Gratitude...

Somewhere, Someone Is...

      As I was standing in my kitchen my mind began to wonder, feeling myself very connected to humanity at large. We so often find ourselves in our own heads, in our own little world. I thought of a friend who had given birth to twin boys today, and how much her life would be forever different. Then I thought of everyone else, and how today may have impacted their life. I woke up today with the attitude of I have NO idea what today will bring, this thought excites me. I love surprises. I'm finding the fun in not knowing, not needing to know. Today wasn't anything grand for me, a good day, but nothing I felt which compared to having two brand new babies. I stood there in my kitchen and expanded upon that thought. Today someone received some news that will change the way they view their life forever. Someone got proposed to today, someone found out they were pregnant, someone lost a loved one, someone lost their own life. Someone did something they felt was the biggest mistake of their life. Someone was finding themselves lost, & another was find themselves in a moment of clarity, connection.  Someone was being locked up, and another was walking free. Someone, somewhere, would give anything to not be where they are, & someone else is desperately trying to savor every fleeting moment of where they are. At that very moment, every emotion & every scenario imaginable was being expressed on earth, somewhere. It was beautiful, it was humbling. My heart swelled, and my head bowed.

With Grace & Gratitude...

How I Did It

Where I refer people when they ask me how I did it ;) 

I believe the weight on my physical body is a manifestation of emotional pain, anger, and fear. I take a holistic approach to my weight loss and have used hypnotherapy, acupuncture, meditation, personal training, yoga, exercising and building a positive relationship with my body and food. For me, it's a journey of healing, of letting go, and growing. It's about facing fears and loving myself. It's a beautiful journey really, even on the seemingly "hard" days.


31 months ago, I made a decision I was willing to do whatever it took to loose weight, for however long it took. I addressed it on all levels...the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I found what worked for me, but not without finding out what didn't. I never gave up on the bigger picture. I didn't put a time line on when I'd loose x amount of weight. I saw ONE number, my goal weight and didn't share it with anyone for a VERY long time. Two and a half years later, I think there are five people who know what thaPublish Postt number is. In the beginning, I prayed. I asked God to show me why I was overweight and asked for help. I trusted the perfect people would come into my life at the perfect time, and they did. Early on, I kept a food journal  without counting the calories, it helped me become aware of how much I was eating without overwhelming me. I walked almost everyday for 30 minutes, that's all I could talk myself into doing and even that was a struggle. I saw a personal trainer once a week. I did my best to cut back on how much food I was eating, and make better choices. I gained 12lbs back over the first holiday season! But I refused to stop, I just kept going. To stop was guaranteed failure, at least if I kept going I had a chance. Eventually, I used my "weaknesses" to my advantage. I worked hard, real fucking hard. I got a different trainer, and decided to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues. I took hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & yoga. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous, and read three books that changed my life and my relationship with food. (Women, Food, and God. The Yoga of Eating. & A Course In Weight Loss.) I got to know myself & my body. I  learned to trust myself. I asked my body what IT needed and gave it that. Guess what? I'm not on a fucking diet. I've never been on a fucking diet. I eat whatever I really want. But I ask myself... is it worth it? How bad do I REALLY want this? Do I really want it at all? And you know what, when I eat it, I enjoy that shit. Every bite, because it doesn't come without a price. Periodically I will keep a food journal on myfitnesspal.com to keep me conscious of what I'm eating Funny thing is... in not denying myself anything, and listening to my body it has naturally created aversions to certain foods. Most often, I don't even want the shit that's bad for me! But it took me almost two years to get to that point, and it still happens every now and then. It took patience & grace. It took willingness. A willingness to feel all the pain I had been eating away for years. A willingness to trust other people and myself. I seriously, could go on for what could constitute an entire book. Right now, I'm still not on a diet and I work out, do yoga, & train because I love it. I'm still finding what works for me, and if it stops working, I change it. This is my life. I eat less and better, because it's a habit. Because it feels good. Because I eat what my body wants. I finally love myself & my body enough today to want to be good to it. Anything less is unacceptable. Because I've addressed (and still addressing) the underlying issues as to why I was overweight in the first place, God's grace, and a moment of pure willingness to do whatever it took... I've lost 94lbs in two and a half years. It wasn't quick. I wasn't easy. But it was worth it and I'm better for it.

With Grace & Gratitude...

My Fight

Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to pull my thoughts together enough to make some sense here. What is the truth? What do I feel? I'm a fighter. I know the fight. I've fought my entire life. Two days ago I asked God to show me the truth, within minutes I was shuffling through an old journal and this page fell out... "I feel it's much simpler than I'm allowing it to be right now, I'm used to fighting, overcoming, struggling, I'm used to pain and suffering. The only difference between now and then is that I'm going back through to heal it. To see it, feel it, accept it, and let it go. But what then? What do I do then? One who has spent there entire life wading through the puddles of despair. What then when nothing hurts? I'm afraid of coming to the point where nothing hurts" As I approach my goal weight, I've asked myself, with a tinge of fear, "What am I going to do when I hit my goal weight?" What am I going to have to fight for? I have a deep belief that growth doesn't come without suffering, so if I stop suffering, does that mean I stop growing? I live for growth and change. I'm gonna have to re-evaluate that belief.

Going back to we teach best what we most need to learn... I spent the other morning listening to a friend and pretty much telling her to re-evaluate her beliefs, and stop feeling sorry for herself ..."Hope is a candy coated disguise for wanting something other than what we have and a fear we'll never get it. It's rolled in self-pity and can lead one to delude oneself." That was my last text message to her. The universe always has the first move. 6 hours later... I was told pretty much the same thing... "You are purging pain and feeling sorry for yourself..." Funny how that works isn't it?

After working 8 hours, I hit the gym. I ran today faster than I've ever run, for longer than I've ever run. I did shoulder stretches with a bar, a little bit of yoga, several failed attempts a pull ups, then literally just hung from the bar, overhead squats, sit ups, weight sit ups, weighted lunges across the gym and back, back to sit ups... then I sat there. On the little bench that leans back to do sit-ups, again, with my 25lb weight in my hands staring at myself in the mirror. Admitting to myself, what I knew BEFORE I stepped foot into that gym....I was working through something. What was I hiding from? What was I fighting? Tears welled up in my eyes. I heard D.H. Lawerence's poem, "I never saw a wild thing, sorry for itself, a small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough, without ever having felt sorry for itself." Ah, I was in self-pity. I had been feeling sorry for myself randomly for months. Withholding forgiveness from myself, and wanting to "fix" it. Nothing I can do to "fix" it, forgive myself, and it will fix itself. The fight. I was desperately trying to not fight what was, which was manifesting into my physical world by increasing my sessions with Burkey to twice a week, and working with myself in the gym like I never had before, I was having to drag myself out of the gym. I haven't been able to get enough of working real hard, and putting my body through rigorous physical & mental activity. The other night I couldn't sleep because all I was thinking about was lifting really heavy shit, overhead squats, front squats, & dead-lifts. It was as if I couldn't get enough working out. "Working out" ... what are we working out anyways? Shit that's been too deep, for too long. Wear yourself out.

I'm a fighter. There is a warrior inside of me. Giving up that aspect of who I am, is totally out of the question. But balance, that I can work with. Focusing and re-directing that energy, I can do that too. Knowing when to fight, and when to retreat gracefully. Knowing who we are, accepting that, and using that knowledge serve a greater purpose. 

Relinquishing my need to always fight, just might be the greatest fight of my life... 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Love Is All We Know

"We teach best what we most need to learn." - Richard Bach

You know what I found myself teaching today on more than on occasion prompted by the questions of another? Love. Unconditional Love. The Love that exists on a higher plan, a more conscious plane. The kind of Love that brings us together, that unifies us and brings peace into the world. The kind of Love that you hold in your heart, for the person that can't quite hold it for themselves yet. The kind of Love that shines light upon who that person really is, dispelling all illusions of them being anything other than a perfect child of the Divine. The unwavering Love that says, I've been where you are, I know that darkness. I watch you fight your fight, which is only yours to fight. But I'm not far. I'm your biggest silent cheerleader. I send Love & light to you. And it sits there, in your aura. It follows you around patiently. Until you're able to conjure up a shred of willingness, then all that Love, Light, joy, peace, & healing that has been sent to you from all over comes rushing in, in an instant. It's that instant the miracle happens. When all of a sudden, you feel better. Beyond explanation, beyond reason. You are all of a sudden, ready. Willing. Free. Free from yourself. That is what real Love does, it frees you from yourself. I taught others about patience and loving detachment today. Sometimes we are removed from their presence so we can do just that, hold only Love in our hearts.  We Love them because really, that's all we know how to do. Because that's the only thing that is real, and what ultimately heals the heart of another. We want nothing more than for them to feel peace & joy once again. Anything else feels un-natural, painful. Our job is to stay in our hearts, and out of our heads. I teach this so well, because I need to learn it, and learning it I am. More & more everyday.  <3

With Grace & Gratitude...

What Can You Learn In 60 Seconds?

First of all, I'm not sure I believe in failure. I've always believed/said failure is when you stop trying. That failure didn't exist, and I had never failed at anything. Is that an avenue I've used to avoid taking responsibility? To look at someone and say, I gave my best, I truly did. I gave 120% and it just didn't work out, it didn't turn out like I had planned, I didn't achieve my goal. It's difficult for people to see that person as having failed, because they gave everything they had, what else can you give?! How can you fault someone who walked away/quit/gave up... ONLY when they truly had nothing left to give? I sure don't. I don't fault anyone, including myself. I respect them, I admire them. But what happens when we feel we gave everything we had, only to find out in one quick instant, that obviously we had not... because if we had, we wouldn't be doing what we are in that particular instant of realization.

"An all out minute on the airdyne will, always, teach you something." - b

I had been there before. For 60 seconds, you give every last drop of yourself. Mentally, emotionally, & physically. And spiritually for that matter, because nothing fucking matters for that 60 seconds. Because this 60 seconds is between you & the airdyne, God has nothing to do with it. I was ready and willing to give it my all, everything. Was a plan beneficial or not? Because yes, I initially had one. I know how easy the first 20 seconds are, and how quickly the airdyne takes from you, relentlessly. I had assimilated a bit of a plan, was it in fact beneficial?  Guess will find out next time, when I go in without one. However, 36 seconds in, I truly felt I had nothing left. NOTHING. Like I was giving 150%, and was watching & feeling myself slow down beyond my control. Helpless. I muttered the words on the exhale of an exhausted breath, "I GOT NOTHING" somewhere between 36 & 53 seconds. Instant WTF moment. Instant rage. REALLY? You got nothing?!?! Cause saying those words alone, JUST said you had SOMETHING! Are you fucking kidding me? That was two days ago, I'm still pissed about it. I feel I gave up. I was ready to give up & I almost did until I uttered those words, shattering what I considered absolutely true & honest. Made the fact that I did break my record, meaningless. Is that really it? I'm angry because I ALMOST gave up? Most people congratulate themselves for not giving up when they wanted to, but I'm pissed at myself because I thought about it? Because I almost did? lol That's kind of ridiculous! Incredibly high standards even fore me. Eh, No. I'm angry because I was so fucking sure, POSITIVE without one shred of doubt... I had given everything, only to find out, I hadn't. How many other times in my life had this happened? I doubted everything I ever believed about myself in that moment.

Since then, I've wanted nothing more to get back on that bike. As if to tell it, I'll show you, you're not going to beat me, you are not going to take me back to that moment. I'm ready, lets go again. I won't want to quit at any point. But really now? Let's be honest. It's not about the bike. It doesn't give a shit. The only thing we are battling is ourselves & let me tell you, those who show up at the station, willing to do the work know how to battle. And for most of us, it takes way more strength to surrender than it does to keep fighting.

With Humility, Willingness, & Courage...

Create Space

Love. Passion. Truthfulness.

There have been many questions floating around in my mind, answered by my heart, and sat with in sacred stillness over the last few weeks. Growing in number over the last few days. Tid bits of truths arising amongst the ashes. This may imply that everything has been relinquished and all has been changed. Not necessarily. I've been here before. Where I put everything I believe myself to be & know on the metaphorical table of reflection. What is working for me? What serves the best and highest good of all? What really is true? What do I want to keep? What do I need to leave? What do I need to leave, but don't want to? Where is my resistance coming from? What is in my heart?  Without that stillness that comes from meditation these questions could & would most likely lead one into a rabbit hole of insanity. Meditation creates space. Space to grow, to be, to feel. Most importantly, room to breathe. Space to open oneself to the intangible which can only be wholly filled by something beyond our humanness. Beautiful, is an understatement. Is there a limit to this space?  As far as I know, the universe is infinite. So create space, you've got plenty of room. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

"Never Give Up."

:-/
Never?

Here's the thing. I know deep down in my gut, it wasn't working. It was getting pretty ugly. I watched the same force that drew us together so strongly and intensely, pull us apart. I watched myself carry out subconscious action. Like packing my toothbrush, that was bought for your house. As if I knew intuitively, I wouldn't use it again there. "The one I love" it just doesn't resonate for me anymore, for you. It's done. I know that, but I don't want it to be. And that is what brings me to moments like this. Moments where I can just as easily torture myself, or take a deep breath and remind myself, this is for the best. The best for both of us. No blaming. No shaming. No anger. Just a knowing that this was exactly how it was suppose to be, how it was suppose to begin, & how it was suppose to end. Self control. Trust.

I hate giving up. "To give every lost drop of ourselves." Until I've done that, giving up feels like complete and utter failure, and I refuse to fail. I don't believe in failure. If I give all I can give, I can say it wasn't my fault. I did my part. It frees me from blame from something not working. It's not my fault. I do this because something ending, breaking, or falling apart and being my fault, hits a place within my heart that ... I don't even know, hits hard. To walk away without giving everything I have makes me question my commitment, my strength, my courage. It makes me feel inadequate. I can blame someone else. It's THEIR fault because I was willing, because I admitted I fucked up and was willing to still try. Therefore, it's not my fault. What's so bad about something being my fault? TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. Commitment & reponsibility. Those words have been rumbling around in my head for a couple days.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Know Thyself

Endorphins are my drug of choice, and the gym is my dealer.

A thought I had earlier as I was going to town on the elliptical and when time was up decided it wasn't enough, I wanted more. I restarted the timer. My core was burning, my shoulders ached, my whole body hurt so much from the workout the night before at the station I felt a vague sense of nausea and overall feeling like shit. Like the enormous amount of muscle breakdown and rebuilding I had put my body through the night before was releasing toxins into my blood stream. I had been drinking water and detox tea all day to flush out my system, I was using the elliptical to push it out. Whatever it was I was fighting with today. Whatever was really cursing through my veins. I got off the elliptical after 54 minutes only because I began to question whether or not I was working smart. Wondering where that line was at, how much more could I hurt my body today and it not be equivalent to taking a knife to my skin? So, I got on the treadmill and walked, then did yoga. Now here I am, pheeneing. Ready to go back, for more. To the gym. The question then became... Dot, what are running from? What are you trying to ignore? Who cares if you didn't stuff your face, or pick up a bottle... the gym is your drug of choice, going again would constitute a act of avoidance. Avoidance of whatever I was feeling, or not wanting to admit to myself. So, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

I don't like not getting what I want. I don't like things NOT going my way, actually, I fucking hate it. I can know in my gut that the way it is happening is best, and STILL be fucking pissed. I can be mad simply because it didn't go the way I wanted and see that it's working out just fine! I thought back to the times in my life when I didn't get what I wanted on how enraged I became and exauhstingly sought out multiple avenues to try and get what I wanted. When I totaled my car, I tried to buy it back as SCRAP so I could then pay out of pocket to have it pieced back together, because it BARELY made the  total loss percentage, and I wanted it to NOT be totaled!!! I kept those keys, and license plate for probably two years. I have a hard time letting go when something doesn't go the way I wanted it to. Because somewhere inside of me I believe there is still SOMETHING I can do to bring about my desired outcome. I believe, "There's nothing I/we can do" is a lame bullshit excuse, a fucking cop out. There's ALWAYS something you can do. Maybe the lesson here for me is, the something I can do is let go. To let it be. To do, nothing. Whether it is true or not, I believe in my head there are very few things I've ever wanted & not gotten. I've said for years the only two things I didn't get as I child that I wanted were an easy bake oven & a tree house. The go kart, trampoline, sandbox, four wheeler, brand new car, the leather jacket I saw and "just had to have" my mother drove over an hour to go get, that day where all mine. I'm spoiled. The reason I have an emotional reaction to being told that is because it's true. If you have an emotional reaction to something, it's because that shit hits you in the fucking core. Because it hurts. It hits a part of you that is obviously there, because it hurts, but you can't see it, so then you're confused. I'm spoiled. I've spent my whole life getting just about everything I want. And when I don't get it, I get pissed. I don't know what to do. Being okay with not getting what I want is not a skill I've had to cultivate! I always get what I want. Typing that I know it's not entirely true, and it's coming straight from a cocky ego. But that's what flew out of my fingers just now. And it's not about the attainment, it's about the pursuit. It's always been about the pursuit. That's why... myself, and many of us, don't always want what it once we get it. Because it's never about what we initially think it's about. 

Acceptance of how, not who, but how we are, our perceived "weaknesses" can be a very positive propelling force. It's not about ridding ourselves of that aspect of our personality. It's about owning it, guiding it, using it to our advantage. It's about not being afraid of it, so when we notice it trickling out into the aspect of our lives where it can cause damage, we tell it to back the fuck off, this isn't where it belongs. Or watch it disappear because it no longer serves a purpose.

My intense dislike for not getting what I want work to my advantage beautifully in attaining goals like nursing school, getting sober, weight loss...tangible, measurable goals. It gives me drive, determination. A fire. But not so much when there are other people involved. It can be too much for them. You cannot make another person do anything. If you think you can you are delusional. They have a choice. Any force from you would be immoral, manipulative, & create so dirty karma. I like balance. In the physical material world, I have a lot of control. I create my life. In the arena of human relationships, where so many invisible forces are involved, I have very little... if any. A beautiful balance. I have control only over myself. My actions, my emotions, & my thoughts. And that control comes with practice. Acceptance is something I have control over, it too is a choice. Life is about choices. Make a fucking choice. I wrote that on the inside cover of my Big Book for Alcoholics Anonymous "Get busy living or get busy dying. Make a choice" and I did. I chose alright, and I am better for it. 

Today I chose to acknowledge aspects of my personality I didn't really want to admit to before. It takes more courage to admit a weakness than it does strength to hide it. I also asked today, what my relationship to my Self was... we aren't even going to go there right now. The only place I'm going, is to the gym....

"I really don't like not getting what I want. Actually, I fucking hate it. I can KNOW I'm better off without it but still be pissed because it didn't go MY way. LMAO. I just wanted to tell somebody that wouldn't judge me..." - My text to a friend about 5 minutes before this blog. His response...

"dot, I am constantly judging you and everyone around me. I will say that you measure up quite well. I am proud of you and how hard you work, and how you think and pay attention." and that is why I work with him.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Change Being The Only Option

My desire to write is not letting me sleep. I've been arguing with myself for 2 hours about writing. What the hell was I suppose to be writing about anyway?!  I do love to write. Writing forces me to think about what I'm about to say, and offers me the opportunity to backspace when I've said too much. Then sometimes I get lost, I just get out of the way and type with little knowledge of what I'm saying until it's time to proof-read. I often find inspiration in reading what others write, and hope to give that to those who read my words. So here I am,  like... now what? There are several little things I've thought about today but nothing extraordinary to write down. Here's what I almost wrote about earlier...

Svadhyaya, a Sanskrit word for self study. The active pursuit & intention of knowing yourself more through whichever avenue you feel teaches you most about yourself. For me, it's yoga, it's training, it's the relationships I have with the people in my life. Self-reflection is my forte. I live a constant journey of self-discovery. That statement alone makes me ask myself the question... "Is that selfish?" < And there it is... Svadhyaya. I think the quest to understand for the human mind is primitive. The word I REALLY want to use here is eluding me, and I refuse to spend waste anytime searching for it. I just want to write whatever the fuck I'm suppose to write, so I can go back to sleep. The human desire to understand is like my cat's desire to chase a string when it goes by. I've always been a seeker. I've always been a writer, a healer, & a teacher. That's what I do. That's what resonates in my heart. The passions I have for those five things have made this journey that is my life colorful, extreme, deep, & never boring. I chose this. I want this. This life of seeking, writing, healing, & teaching. The amount of change transpiring in my life is equivalent to the amount of change experienced when I left Michigan, got sober, & left AA. It's the magnitude of all of those together, that drastic, that intense. With every one of those I was terrified. I begged God to hold my hand. I told him I was terrified, but propelled by a force radiating from me of which I have never fully understood. I try, I call that force God, the Universe, the Divine, whatever comes to my first in that moment. But I think it's even more than that, if that makes sense. My point is, I'm not scared this time. There is nothing to fear. The new life is ALWAYS better than the old, once we let go. Let go of the fear. Once we no longer fear it, we just trust it. Trust the process, trust God, trust ourselves. That has been my mantra for several weeks... "I trust God, I trust myself" I trust God to lead me, because I feel absolutely blind right now, blind, deaf, and MOVING. At such a rapid pace all I can do is remember to breathe. I trust myself to accurately interpret & follow any guidance I receive. There isn't even a "holding on" .... it's that shock of wow, okay.. um... well... yeah... when there is not time to react, no time to judge, no time to ask questions. I'm reminded multiple times a day by the number 55, on clocks, billboards, telephone numbers, license plates to "Buckle my seat belt, as you're going through (or about to go through) a major positive life change. It's time to let go of that which is no longer working, and allow it to be healed or replaced with something better." I'm ready. That's the only thought that goes through my mind. I don't have to beg God to hold my hand or not to leave my side, because now I understand & trust that's not even possible.  Because I am part of God, I'm part of the whole, we are the whole. There aren't even really parts. It's just one. One energy. One thing. One whatever you want to call it. I said it before & I'll say it again, "Our belief we are separate from one another, is nothing but a big cosmic joke.. and the joke's on us."

There is purging. There is a severing of ties, of relationships. There is connection. There is death, decay, fertilization, gestation, and rebirth. There is  is now Light shining upon aspects of my self I wasn't able to see before. The last bit of a life that is no longer working. That no longer serves the greater purpose of humanity. It's time to stop gathering information; It's time for action, and it's so strong the moment you stop and try to pick something up you find it just outside your reach, then out of sight. Time to stop reflecting on what was, what has been, and what we are gonna do with that, but instead to reflect on what is, right now, and what can be done through us, as we are. Almost as if our active participation isn't even required anymore to dig deep and discover who we really are. The momentum of change is so great, the shit is just rising to the surface, it's becoming blatantly apparent and any attempts at ignoring that, are excruciating.  All that is required of us is surrender, as if that is the only option. To let it happen. To be ready for wherever we end up. This is where I'm at. There are some who have been here, and others that will be. One thing cannot change wihout everything else changing too. And this is where we are all at... in the midst of great change.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Feeling Compact

I'm constantly told how great I look, how skinny I'm getting, and asked a hundred and one questions regarding my transformation. Today I was even told, "Don't go getting all anorexic on us." I don't even know what to say anymore, except, thank you. A very humble thank you. Someone asked me how much more weight I was trying to loose, and how small I wanted to be. I said, "I don't know, guess my body will let me know". This doesn't end. I'm not waiting to achieve some big prize. There's nothing I'm holding back from myself. There's not set program I'm working. There's no "reward" I'm going to give myself, or some food I'm gonna enjoy because I've deprived myself of it. It's baffling most days. I love it. Every minute of it. I love noticing my shoulder blades, or how large pants fit with plenty room to move. I love how I feel inside, and how McDonald's doesn't even appeal to me. How I'm eating my yogurt, fruit, and granola bar and someone walks in and sets a big mac down and it churns my stomach. Therein lies the miracle.

With Grace & Gratitude...

She Chose

She made a choice. I keep hearing that in my head. Free will. I was willing. She chose not to accept love from me or continue a relationship with me. God honors choices, who am I to not? It really is getting easier. I cried today. Asked God why he took her away from me. I wrote her a letter she'll never get, and made a list of all the things I was grateful for and learned from being with her. Things maybe only she could have taught me. It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. That's what they say. I think that's true. I've been rolling around the idea of giving her key back to her. She hasn't asked for it. But what is my hesitation? Because SOMEWHERE inside of me, some tiny part of me is still holding on. To what? The possibility that maybe it's NOT over. But it is. This felt like my first real breakup. I'm writing this without crying now. Thank God. She was beautiful. It was beautiful. We cannot make people's choices for them, and we cannot change or control someone's choice. We can only accept the choice they make, and choose to love them anyway. Her pain, her problems, aren't mine anymore. I don't have to take them on with her. Maybe I never was suppose to. Maybe we are never suppose to take on people's problems with them. I don't really have much serious relationship experience, after all... this was my most serious relationship and it only lasted 4 months. I had never had the key to someone's place, or had a toothbrush there. I had never been able to cook dinner while waiting on them to come home. I don't remember anyone buying me flowers for no reason ever, or washing my clothes for me. I had never been willing to move in with someone, or look for places to live with them. I'd never fought so much or loved so much. I had never, wow... can't believe it took me this far into this to say this... I had never been with a woman.

J-
I love you. Being with you has changed me for the better, forever. I am so grateful for every moment we shared. It was the most incredible connection I'd ever felt. We are soul-mates, and I'm sure we'll meet again. You chose this. You chose to shut down, to shut me out. And there's nothing I can do about that, but accept it. Know I was willing. Who knows what the future holds for us. I don't, and my days of scrambling to know or control are over. From this moment on, every thought I have of you or us, will be with Love. Sweet dreams.....

Heart you, always.

My "Secret"

"What's your secret?"

I swear, I laugh EVERY TIME someone asks me that question. THERE IS NO SECRET. You know what you need to do do loose weight, you just aren't doing it. I've given lots of thought the last few days to the transformation I've undergone during the loosing of 94 lbs. To say my "weight loss" would be an understatement. Because although initially weight loss was my goal, it slowly became a simple by-product of change, one of many. Internal & external. You know those moments when you say something and you realize HOLY shit, I've changed. That happened to me the other day. I friend asked me if "my trainer could whip her into shape by July" and my response was "Sure, how hard are you willing to work?" And I was dead serious. That statement, came from a place inside of my psyche cultivated by the station and those who help make it what it is. I get cocky sometimes, like right now... I'm a little in cocky mode. But you know what? I deserve to be a little cocky every now and then. I worked hard. I pushed through the fear & the pain, I faced demons I never knew I had. I've cried, I've laid on the floor giving all I had just to catch my breath. I've humbly admitted yes... I could have pushed harder, and during a five month period found myself battling an eating disorder. I've tended wounds on my body for weeks because I wanted to see if I could do it & gotten so pissed at myself because my body was desperately trying to give out, and I wasn't ready to. There are people at the station I feel are stronger, more willing, and push harder than I do. People I feel I don't even deserve to be in the same workout group with. But there is something to be said about being aware & surrounded by people who are stronger, more willing, and push harder. They help you make you better, and no that was not a typo. Even though, who you are right now is perfect, and exactly who you should be... tomorrow is a different day. Be a different you. There is no end. There is no finish line. 

I guess it is here I will do my little venting paragraph which I've never done, and seems goes against my Buddhist nature. But here goes... I believe all paths in life are truly individualized, and the weight loss journey is no different. But when you go have gastric bypass surgery, don't fucking talk to me about weight loss like we are in this together. fuck you. Don't talk to me like you can relate to the depth of change I've undergone and what a struggle it's been. You're stomach can physically not hold the same amount of  food it used too, so little in fact... you must consume supplements to meet your daily nutritional needs. OF COURSE you are going to loose weight! fuck you. When you've watched other addictions in your life go out of control, or your weight has come back because you never dealt with the underlying issue as to why you were overweight in the first place!?!?! COME SEE ME. Until then, I don't give a fuck about what you ate or didn't eat today or whether or not your going to the gym too. Because we have nothing to talk about. 

My secret? Well, if you want to call it that, here it is. I wouldn't have wanted it ANY. OTHER. WAY....

I made a decision I was willing to do whatever it took to loose weight. I addressed it on all levels...the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I found what worked for me, but not without finding out what didn't. I never gave up on the bigger picture. I didn't put a time line on when I'd loose x amount of weight. I saw ONE number, my goal weight and didn't share it with anyone for a VERY long time. Two and a half years later, I think there are five people who know what that number is. In the beginning, I prayed. I asked God to show me why I was overweight and asked for help. I trusted the perfect people would come into my life at the perfect time, and they did. Early on, I kept a food journal  without counting the calories, it helped me become aware of how much I was eating without overwhelming me. I walked everyday for 30 minutes, that's all I could talk myself into doing and even that was a struggle. I saw a personal trainer once a week. I did my best to cut back on how much food I was eating, and make better choices. I gained 12lbs back over the first holiday season! But I refused to stop, I just kept going. To stop was guaranteed failure, at least if I kept going I had a chance. Eventually, I used my "weaknesses" to my advantage. I worked hard, real fucking hard. I got a different trainer, and decided to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues. I took hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & yoga. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous, and read three books that changed my life and my relationship with food. (Women, Food, and God. The Yoga of Eating. & A Course In Weight Loss.) I got to know myself & my body. I  learned to trust myself. I asked my body what IT needed and gave it that. Guess what? I'm not on a fucking diet. I've never been on a fucking diet. I eat whatever I really want. But I ask myself... is it worth it? How bad do I REALLY want this? Do I really want it at all? And you know what, when I eat it, I enjoy that shit. Every bite, because it doesn't come without a price. Periodically I will keep a food journal on myfitnesspal.com to keep me conscious of what I'm eating Funny thing is... in not denying myself anything, and listening to my body it has naturally created aversions to certain foods. Most often, I don't even want the shit that's bad for me! But it took me almost two years to get to that point, and it still happens every now and then. It took patience & grace. It took willingness. A willingness to feel all the pain I had been eating away for years. A willingness to trust other people and myself. I seriously, could go on for what could constitute an entire book. Right now, I'm still not on a diet and I work out, do yoga, & train because I love it. I'm still finding what works for me, and if it stops working, I change it. This is my life. I eat less and better, because it's a habit. Because it feels good. Because I eat what my body wants. I finally love myself & my body enough today to want to be good to it. Anything less is unacceptable. Because I've addressed (and still addressing) the underlying issues as to why I was overweight in the first place, God's grace, and a moment of pure willingness to do whatever it took... I've lost 94lbs in two and a half years. It wasn't quick. I wasn't easy. But it was worth it and I'm better for it. 

With Grace & Gratitude....

Dottie

Honoring Relationships

Problem: I can't seem to hold onto a partner. Karmic fix: Respect other people's relationships.

This was part of a problem/solution table in The Tibetan Book of Mediation. Respect & honor other people's relationships. Wow. It stuck with me the moment I read it weeks ago. It speaks of opposites. Similar to, you can't fight darkness with darkness or you can't find war with more war. The underlying energy is still the same anger, fight, darkness, etc... thus creating MORE of what you don't want. It's about  choosing to be and create more of that you want to see in your life as opposed to fighting what you don't. Such subtle differences, but such a marked difference in energy and outcome. Anyways, back to the meat & potatoes...

That statement really hit home for me. I asked myself DO I honor and respect other people's relationships? I don't think I do. I ran through a mental list, one relationship in particular which has erked me for a long while now came to my mind first (and is there right now, refusing to hide in the background of my thoughts at the moment) I decided to start there, to be observant of my thoughts, emotions, & words as they related to this particular relationship, and others, as the opportunities arose. I realized I often (but not always) found myself in judgement, picking them apart, shaking my head thinking THAT relationship was ridiculous and one of them was a total fucking idiot. You give it away to keep it. If this is what I was giving, no wonder I had been getting what I had been getting! My focus was on picking their relationship apart, finding everything fucked up about it, and thinking that's definitely not the kind of relationship I want. Wondering why the fuck they are still together anyways?  So I started there, a conscious decision to notice and replace the thoughts rooted in judgement, anger, etc with thoughts rooted in Love, compassion, & understanding. To see the good in it, and to know, it was serving some kind of divine purpose.

To honor and respect other people's romantic relationships, because that's their contract. In doing that, I'm honoring my own. I'm creating relationships based upon honor, respect, & Love.

I realized today, that I had not in the slightest bit honored or respected the relationship she was in prior to meeting me. Easily forgetting every chance I could get where they were when I came into the picture. That was my first mistake... not taking a step back to honor and respect that relationship. To say you know, sounds like there is still some healing to be done. Maybe it's not a good time for us to start one of our own.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Where Does It Really Hurt?

Where to begin? There are so many thoughts & feelings I wish to express right now that seem so difficult to just that.  I want to cry, but feel as if it would be not entirely authentic. As if doing so is just one of my desperate attempts at release. God, please help me to release whatever block this is nestling in my throat chakra. Because that's where it is. Nestled beautifully between the top of my shoulders and bottom of my years, feels like I have one of those set of neck rings they were in some of those African Tribes. This imbalance is expressing itself as neck and ear pain, hearing is muffled and my ears won't seem to "pop". The muscles and tendons are so tight, I can feel them pull & crack my upper ribs when I move my head. My voice sounds nasally as if every sentence requires a very clear thought pattern before it is expressed. Needing my full attention. I can see how this would be beneficial to me and others. I tend to ramble, and not fully formulate a thought before I begin to say it, causing my words and directions to be unclear. Having a tendency to say yes or okay without every comprehending what the other person is saying. Feels I'm being forced to take the time to fully formulate my thought & intention before I speak and to give my full attention to another as they speak. A beneficial lesson to learn, one of which I am willing. A sense of grace & gratitude are welling up inside of me.

The Lesson here:
   Listen to your body as an avenue of knowing yourself more. Instead of numbing the pain and discomfort with something to alleviate the "symptoms"; find the source. Instead of bogging down these physical manifestations we call symptoms with medications, which only work temporarily and allow it to surface later with even greater vengeance... let it surface NOW. Allow it to fully play itself out, and tell you something, FEEL IT. Guess what? A little discomfort won't kill you, but your attempts at escaping that discomfort just might. So, do things that will facilitate a "letting it run it's course" kind of thing. Drink some tea, breath deep, REST, drink double the water you normally would, eliminate junk for for a few days. Be gentle with yourself, love yourself as you would love your dearest friend if they were "sick."  Any level of discomfort is simply a beckoning that something is ready and in need of change. I asked myself, what in my life? In my thoughts & emotions, was in need of change? Why was physical discomfort manifesting? What was it trying to tell me? And I think I got my answer in the paragraph above... Feels I'm being forced to take the time to fully formulate my thought & intention before I speak and to give my full attention to another as they speak. Fascinating. Often, we wait until a slight discomfort becomes an intolerable pain before we embark on change. Most believe it to be scary. And well, it can be when we've come to rely solely on ourselves, what we think we know, and how we think things are going to be. But when you have mustered up enough trust, change seems less scary. You become willing, at the first signs of discomfort. You listen sooner, so you don't have to be brought to your knees to open your ears.

With grace & gratitude...