Beautiful Butch

...those are the words that have rattled around in my head for the last few weeks. A gradual realization & acceptance that I am a little butchier than I've often wanted to admit. There was an immediate relief in my efforts to be more feminine just after coming out. Realizing that I was gay, allowed me to be more comfortable with my masculine side. More specifically, it alleviated the pressure for me to accessorize my outfits, to be the pursued and not the pursuer, to keep my short hair cut "soft", to wear more eye makeup or buy lots of shoes that I didn't particularly like, etc. I thought about the gym today and how much I loved it. How I've loved it since day one. Why? I'm sure there are several reasons, but one of the big ones being that I can be masculine. I can be tough, and cuss and crass. I can throw heavy shit around and not worry about being cute or dainty or feminine. It is expected to get dirty and look ugly. Working hard isn't pretty. It alleviated that pressure of having to put energy into showing my feminine side because I was a woman and had these stereotypical perceptions of what I needed be to function in heterosexual relationships. Because anyone who knows me, knows my relationship history with men was a struggle. I always felt out of place, like I was doing something wrong. It never felt right; deep inside I knew I was being someone I wasn't. Thank God, I finally came out.

But even in the beginning, I still wanted to be more feminine than my female partner. It has taken some time for me to unravel the habits of quieting my masculine tendencies, and have the courage to admit they are there. The truth is, I might just be a little more masculine than my partner. I just might be a little butchier than she is. Sure, I wear the make up, but believe me it isn't much. I'm the one that puts up the mini-blinds, I usually drive when we go places, I like to dote on her and take care of her. I've got about 5 inches and 100lbs on her, I spend at-least 6 hours a week in the gym most of it weight-lifting. I put in the air-conditioners and assemble the shit that comes in boxes. And if we were out separately, I'm way more likely to be tagged as a lesbian that she. I write all this because it makes me giggle a little. These are the things that have rumbled around in my head. Things that whisper, hey dot, your kinda butchy, and you know it. I find this lifestyle fascinating. From the varying dynamics in different lesbian relationships, the different "types" of lesbians, to all you learn by simply living this lifestyle... the lingo, the obstacles, and the laws that prevent us from having some of the rights I took for granted for so long. Sometimes, yes, I still feel there is so much I don't know but I'm learning. I often ask questions and read a lot of blogs. But there are a few things I do know for sure... I've been gay my entire life, I was lucky enough to find my life partner shortly after coming out, and I've never felt this comfortable in my own skin. If someone asked me what type of lesbian I am, I'd tell them a beautiful butch :)

With Grace & Gratitude...

My Two Cents on Gay Marriage

I feel compelled to touch on the issue of gay marriage.  It's difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is still an issue. I forget sometimes that it is still illegal in most states for people in love of the same sex to marry. It blows my mind. The falling leg that so many are still trying to stand on is literally crumbling, and it's palpable. You can feel it. You can hear it in the shaky-ness of the voices on CNN "uh, well... um..." What?! Really?! The arguable reasons attempting to slow down this process have no sustenance. I mean c'mon! Gay people have been getting married for a few years now! IT'S HAPPENING. Right now. At this very moment, I'm sure somewhere a gay couple are taking vows of marriage. So what is the hold up? What are they fighting against? It's a body in motion, and physics states a body in motion, stays in motion. It's funny to me. All these legalities. And the thing is... it's not even about gay marriage. It's about change. It is a blatant representation of people's unwillingness to change. And I don't mean the generic "change" of a word that has been thrown around carelessly at times in our nation's history in the name of political or presidential votes, I'm talking about gut, energetic, shifts of energy inside the hearts and minds of people. Not just American's, of people. We use titles and descriptions and classes and continue to separate ourselves from each other. We have gays and straights, and blacks and whites, and men and woman, and American's and Europeans.... and countless subcultures. The sooner we realize, actually the sooner it is accepted that we all are connected in an intricate and dependent fashion, the sooner the world and all the people in in can truly begin to heal.

I get it. I can be stubborn too. And it I have been known to fight until I wear my little self out. Until I'm exhausted and done, and acceptance is all that is left. And that is what some are doing right now, they are wearing their little selves out. The old ways aren't working anymore. It's so simple, some are attempting to do the same things over and over again, call it different things and are expecting different results. It doesn't work like that. lol Love in all forms WILL prevail. "Love is patient, love is kind." Love is slowly and patiently coming to forefront, and won't hurt anyone on it's way there. Except maybe some ego's as it's illusion of control fade like smoke in a room.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Acceptance

"Take what the universe gives you."

     I don't think she had a clue how much of an impact that would have on me when she wrote it on my wall. I've been sitting with it for weeks. Acceptance. I had forgotten how powerful a prayer that was, and how much freedom came along with it. I keep asking myself, what is the universe giving to me right now? And how can it serve the highest good? I have been fighting for months the ending of my last relationship. A few weeks ago I finally broke down and pretty much begged her to start over. Told her of the void I felt without her, and how I believed more in the power of our Love to create miracles more so than the power of our ego's to tear us apart. She said that's not what she wanted at all. What choice did I have but to accept that? To grieve? To love her anyway and let go of that which was causing my pain? What was the universe giving me? An out. An absolution. Room for someone else.

I've spent the majority of my life becoming more conscious of who I am and what is. I've also spent a good chunk of that time choosing the lessons I did or didn't want to learn, embarking on various paths because I wanted to learn this, or learn that... because it was fairly obvious those were things I could learn from the particular avenue I was taking. Most often, I did learn those lessons, and more. "Take what the universe gives you" made me think that maybe the universe does have this shit all under control. I don't need to consciously choose the next lesson to learn. Somewhere along the last several months a sense of patience and trust has grown in me, I wasn't sure would ever find it's place in my life. These two things I think are what have allowed me to relax into what the universe is giving me, right now at this point in my life. A logical understanding that if it wasn't what I needed right now I wouldn't be experiencing it becomes a deep understanding. It helps me to welcome change a little easier, to say goodbye with a little more grace, and welcome the new with arms wider spread.  It helps me to struggle a less trying to figure out what it is I REALLY want, and allow me to simply ask the universe to bring it to me. A surrender of sorts. A confession, that I often have no fucking clue what I really want... but God does, the Universe does, whatever you'd like to call "It" does.... and I ask that, to go inside my heart and bring those desires to me, and give me the courage and willingness to accept them once they get here.

With Grace & Gratitude...

And I said I Wasn't Going to Listen...

"What makes it so FUCKING hard to be in a relationship with me?" 


I was watching the L word. After watching yet another relationship slip through her fingers Bette asked Tina this question. I knew so strongly that I needed to hear this answer because I had heard myself ask that very same questions several times... I literally sat up, scooted to the edge of the couch and took a breathe... this was Tina's response:

"You're a control freak. You think your things are more important than everyone else's which makes things really, really hard in a relationship. Your work. Your needs. Your ideas. Are always right, always on a higher plane. You're more enlightened. You're more informed. You're more intuitive."


My fucking jaw dropped. Yup, that definitely sounds like that could fit me. This hit me hard... not to mention I had also just admitted to myself before sitting down to watch that I was refusing to listen to what the universe was gracefully trying to tell me. "You are seeking to find what you want to hear, you're not listening" ... what I heard on my walk about an hour before. I got back. I wanted to eat, but I also knew deep down, my want to eat was an urge to quiet what I didn't want to hear. So I admitted to myself, to God, & to whatever other beings of Light might have been listening that I was WELL AWARE I wasn't listening & really didn't have the desire to do so. However, as I was saying this I found myself sitting on a pillow in my floor. Funny how that happens. Somewhere inside of me, apparently, there was enough willingness (although I didn't see it) to have me sitting in that floor meditation style. I took maybe five deep breaths, but that was all the universe was getting out of me. I got up, got my food, and sat my happy ass in front of the L word. And since I wasn't going to be quiet enough to listen, the universe decided to answer a little more loudly and make it a little more unmistakeable. Hence, the question above.


I decided a couple months ago I was absolutely willing to truly know why relationships seem to be so difficult for me. I always want more. Never want what I have. Nothing is never enough. I equate healthy with boring & hard with worth it, always. I loose myself, collapse within the rush, the feelings, the chemistry. The sheer delight of embarking upon something new. It's exciting. I panic when I realize I'm in too deep & retreat. The need to be in control is so ingrained I'm not even conscious I'm doing it half the time. The other half the time I'm desperately trying to fight it because I don't want to be that person, I don't want to be a control freak. I fight to resist my urge to be in control, because I view it as an unacceptable aspect of my personality. And if you know anything about the shadow effect... THOSE parts of us are what runs & ruins our lives and sabotages our relationships. Not to mention, what you resist, persists. Attempting to focus my thoughts on being at ease with life, putting my energies there. My heart is pounding right now.

I was asked the other day why I hadn't  been in a relationship for longer than a year. She said, "I only ask for the flaws because its like... ok smart, beautiful, wonderful mind, seems like a good happy personality,  likes a lot of the common interests... so whats the catch lol.... mine has always been my work ethic and motivation to my job and learning." I don't remember what my response was... but it sure the hell wasn't this. God bless us, maybe it should have been, lol.


So, what now? Thank the universe for coming across so clearly. Ask for the steps to take so this can be an accepted and positive part of my personality, and the willingness to take those steps as they are shown to me. Either it will be integrated in a more positive fashion, or leave entirely... baby steps...

With Grace, Gratitude, & some humor...

Seeing The Humor

Collect yourself, see the humor, and keep your faith strong. Be patient. Be kind. Wait on the will of Heaven. Avoid addictive behaviors. 

The same messages I've been getting in various ways very strongly over the last few days. And guess what I've done? Been a neurotic mess, cried, questioned God. Pissed on patience, been a selfish asshole. Refused to wait on shit, and eaten 3/4 a box of chocolate chip cookies and watched the L word. So here I am at 3:31am. For the first time in days, I feel a sense of peace, and I finally see the humor. 

"I was born to laugh, I learned to laugh through my tears."

The song I've had on repeat since yesterday. When I do choose to watch TV I find it's often exactly what I needed to see, to show me something. The last episode of the L word was like me watching myself. Crying. Begging the women she was in love with to start over. Giving a list of reasons including, but not limited too "The sex was earth shattering, the connection was instantaneous." I watched this woman voice a willingness to give up her husband, because she had experienced her first relationship with a women, and was so in love she couldn't contain it. I literally laughed out-loud when another character told the other woman,  "You have to break up with her." "I did" she responded. "Well you have to re-break up with her, some lesbians you have to break up with twice." .... it was then, I began to see the humor. Then, they all shared there "coming out affairs" and how in love they all were, how they were planning their lives, and thought it would never end. How it took them ridiculous amounts of time to pull themselves together because they thought they had really found it, the love of their life.... I stopped eating the cookies. I didn't feel so alone. I smiled.

She will always be my coming out story. My coming out affair. She was my first of many things. I chose her & she took my hand. As if she knew I had been wondering my entire life what it would be like, and she said let me show you. But I've been here before, this sense of peace that everything is just as it should be. Nothing but gratitude for what has been, what is, & what will be. I pray this nestles so deeply in my soul, that I can embody it. It's not so much the letting go that's hard, it's the not picking it back up again. My intense want to start over, to try it again, is preventing us from being really great friends. All of a sudden I don't want to write anymore. It's over. She truly believes it has served it's purpose. I on the other hand, am having a real hard time believing that. I've been fighting it. It's within this fight that my happiness has been disturbed. I thought alot about acceptance today. "Life on life's terms" It's been a while since I've thought about that saying. If life takes it away from you, let it go. Trust life. That can be really hard for me at times. Right now, I'm grateful. I'm humored. Maybe now I can sleep...

With Grace & Gratitude