"What makes it so FUCKING hard to be in a relationship with me?"
I was watching the L word. After watching yet another relationship slip through her fingers Bette asked Tina this question. I knew so strongly that I needed to hear this answer because I had heard myself ask that very same questions several times... I literally sat up, scooted to the edge of the couch and took a breathe... this was Tina's response:
"You're a control freak. You think your things are more important than everyone else's which makes things really, really hard in a relationship. Your work. Your needs. Your ideas. Are always right, always on a higher plane. You're more enlightened. You're more informed. You're more intuitive."
My fucking jaw dropped. Yup, that definitely sounds like that could fit me. This hit me hard... not to mention I had also just admitted to myself before sitting down to watch that I was refusing to listen to what the universe was gracefully trying to tell me. "You are seeking to find what you want to hear, you're not listening" ... what I heard on my walk about an hour before. I got back. I wanted to eat, but I also knew deep down, my want to eat was an urge to quiet what I didn't want to hear. So I admitted to myself, to God, & to whatever other beings of Light might have been listening that I was WELL AWARE I wasn't listening & really didn't have the desire to do so. However, as I was saying this I found myself sitting on a pillow in my floor. Funny how that happens. Somewhere inside of me, apparently, there was enough willingness (although I didn't see it) to have me sitting in that floor meditation style. I took maybe five deep breaths, but that was all the universe was getting out of me. I got up, got my food, and sat my happy ass in front of the L word. And since I wasn't going to be quiet enough to listen, the universe decided to answer a little more loudly and make it a little more unmistakeable. Hence, the question above.
I decided a couple months ago I was absolutely willing to truly know why relationships seem to be so difficult for me. I always want more. Never want what I have. Nothing is never enough. I equate healthy with boring & hard with worth it, always. I loose myself, collapse within the rush, the feelings, the chemistry. The sheer delight of embarking upon something new. It's exciting. I panic when I realize I'm in too deep & retreat. The need to be in control is so ingrained I'm not even conscious I'm doing it half the time. The other half the time I'm desperately trying to fight it because I don't want to be that person, I don't want to be a control freak. I fight to resist my urge to be in control, because I view it as an unacceptable aspect of my personality. And if you know anything about the shadow effect... THOSE parts of us are what runs & ruins our lives and sabotages our relationships. Not to mention, what you resist, persists. Attempting to focus my thoughts on being at ease with life, putting my energies there. My heart is pounding right now.
I was asked the other day why I hadn't been in a relationship for longer than a year. She said, "I only ask for the flaws because its like... ok smart, beautiful, wonderful mind, seems like a good happy personality, likes a lot of the common interests... so whats the catch lol.... mine has always been my work ethic and motivation to my job and learning." I don't remember what my response was... but it sure the hell wasn't this. God bless us, maybe it should have been, lol.
So, what now? Thank the universe for coming across so clearly. Ask for the steps to take so this can be an accepted and positive part of my personality, and the willingness to take those steps as they are shown to me. Either it will be integrated in a more positive fashion, or leave entirely... baby steps...
With Grace, Gratitude, & some humor...
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