The same messages I've been getting in various ways very strongly over the last few days. And guess what I've done? Been a neurotic mess, cried, questioned God. Pissed on patience, been a selfish asshole. Refused to wait on shit, and eaten 3/4 a box of chocolate chip cookies and watched the L word. So here I am at 3:31am. For the first time in days, I feel a sense of peace, and I finally see the humor.
"I was born to laugh, I learned to laugh through my tears."
The song I've had on repeat since yesterday. When I do choose to watch TV I find it's often exactly what I needed to see, to show me something. The last episode of the L word was like me watching myself. Crying. Begging the women she was in love with to start over. Giving a list of reasons including, but not limited too "The sex was earth shattering, the connection was instantaneous." I watched this woman voice a willingness to give up her husband, because she had experienced her first relationship with a women, and was so in love she couldn't contain it. I literally laughed out-loud when another character told the other woman, "You have to break up with her." "I did" she responded. "Well you have to re-break up with her, some lesbians you have to break up with twice." .... it was then, I began to see the humor. Then, they all shared there "coming out affairs" and how in love they all were, how they were planning their lives, and thought it would never end. How it took them ridiculous amounts of time to pull themselves together because they thought they had really found it, the love of their life.... I stopped eating the cookies. I didn't feel so alone. I smiled.
She will always be my coming out story. My coming out affair. She was my first of many things. I chose her & she took my hand. As if she knew I had been wondering my entire life what it would be like, and she said let me show you. But I've been here before, this sense of peace that everything is just as it should be. Nothing but gratitude for what has been, what is, & what will be. I pray this nestles so deeply in my soul, that I can embody it. It's not so much the letting go that's hard, it's the not picking it back up again. My intense want to start over, to try it again, is preventing us from being really great friends. All of a sudden I don't want to write anymore. It's over. She truly believes it has served it's purpose. I on the other hand, am having a real hard time believing that. I've been fighting it. It's within this fight that my happiness has been disturbed. I thought alot about acceptance today. "Life on life's terms" It's been a while since I've thought about that saying. If life takes it away from you, let it go. Trust life. That can be really hard for me at times. Right now, I'm grateful. I'm humored. Maybe now I can sleep...
With Grace & Gratitude
No comments:
Post a Comment