A month ago I decided to focus my intention on healing and balancing my root chakra. Through therapy and other divine course of events, it became apparent to me that I did not feel safe in the world physically, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally. I moved through the world afraid for the safety of myself and my kids at all times. I imagined worst case scenarios and prepared my family for such. In order to not worry needlessly over things that were very unlikely to happen, I would often eat or scatter my thoughts as to not notice my own big elephant in the room. It's been a year since I really began to figure this piece of my internal puzzle out. The month of September became my dedicated month to do all the essential oils, teas, yoga poses, affirmations, meditations, Bach Flower drops, you name it - I was going to do it with the intention of balancing and healing my root chakra. I was willing to do whatever it took to heal, balance, and love this part of myself. I had decided to start at the bottom and work my way up, much like I had done many years ago, and focus on one chakra per month.
"I am safe"
I repeated this mantra at the kid park, alone in my bed with the lights off, as I got in my car at night, at SER training, while I shopped at Meijer. In some of the most unexpected places and events, I had to remind myself that all was well, and I was safe out in the world.
Last week, I noticed I didn't feel drawn to the Bach drops I was taking for my root chakra, or the stones I had been carrying that were red and grounding. I realized it was the time of the new moon, and I was ready for the next step - my sacral chakra- the home of creativity, sexuality, stabilizing foundation, hips, family I'm from and family I've created.
This chakra on my physical body carries most of the weight of my physical, emotional, and mental bodies. Just under my belly button, I have stuffed guilt, both rational and irrational, fear, mistrust of myself and those closest to me, shame, and denial of my creative self. Intuitively, I know anger spills over from my solar plexus here. It occurred to me today, that the goal here is to trust myself again. To trust myself to do what's best for me, to not hurt myself emotionally or physically in any way. I've returned to a place of not trusting myself to not eat beyond my bodies need or desire, not loose my temper, not do things to sabotage this life that I love, and not hurt the people I love most in my life. I've come to reject my perfectionist tendencies thus denying a part of who I am. I read a book today that basically said, we must embrace all parts of ourselves if we are to fully love ourselves and heal our traumas.
The last 2 years have been especially hard as it relates to the family I'm from and the family I've created. It's been tumultuous. Often feeling torn between the two while trying to see all sides of everything. I've not only been grieving my mother's death, but the death of the relationship her and Sabrina had that meant more to me than I think I ever really verbalized. There was a load I didn't have to carry anymore knowing that Sabrina liked my mom and my brother. I felt like those two parts of me and my life could merge and coexist finally. That changed after Sabrina stopped smoking and my mother moved up here. I blame myself. I irrationally feel like it's my fault because of how I talked about my mother and how I talked about my experience and interactions with her.
Today I've meditated. I've been carrying a sunstone in my pocket for two days, I drank tangerine tea yesterday, and dropping Bach flower Essenes under my tongue that encourage me to trust myself, accept imperfections, and release and process feelings of guilt more easily. My Mother always felt guilty. She often used guilt-inducting tactics to get me to do things I didn't want to do. I may get my feelings of fear and unsafety from my father, but these guilt feelings are hers.
I was the victim of sexual abuse on multiple occasions by two separate people. Both male, both older than me, both related to me. Both my parents felt comfortable with me being around these boys. So comfortable, in fact, that when I verbalized not being comfortable around them, or them staying the night, I was dismissed and hushed. I remember the last time it happened - I was 13. I remember the confusing emotions of shame, desire, sadness, and guilt. It had been happening for atleast 7 years. By that time, I was good and groomed that it was normal. Since the first person went unpunished and I went unheard, I surely didn't voice anything about the second. I was afraid to speak up. I was afraid of what would happen to him, and to me. Why do we feel so inclined to protect those who sexual abuse us? As the images begin coming together, so much of it makes sense - why I hated wearing dresses as a young girl, why I would shake when a boy would touch the inside of my leg, why I swam in self-hatred and self-punishment. It explains why I took two and three showers a day as an adolescence, why I didn't feel connected to my body at all until on my mat in a yoga studio in my twenties.
I'm done hiding these life experiences. I don't think anyone does things like this without it having been done to them first. I can't help but to wonder if my Mother had her own experiences that she never talked about, and now, never can.
There you have it. I have decided to "sit in this fire until I am free." My sacral chakra has carried too much for too long, and I am ready to cleanse, heal, and balance that bad boy. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I will journal, drink orange tea, put orange oils on my skin, drop Bach drops under my tongue, and meditate until the tears cannot fall anymore. This is me taking my power back. This is me healing from the ground up. I want to be free god dammit.
"I trust myself to do what's best for me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually."
With Grace & Gratitude...
