My Mom visited me today during my a CST session with a client. It started with memories of my visit down there after I graduated nursing school. It was rushed visit. I wasn't ready to go down yet, but did because my brother needed a ride, and I ended up leaving early. I'm sure the fight with my then girlfriend didn't help any.
I felt bad - guilt. About leaving early because before I left she shared with me she was planning to have a party for me that following day. It was our family reunion and she was going to have a cake their for me and celebrate my graduation as well. But I couldn't stay. I had to go. Everything inside of me needed to go, and it needed to go right away. Sitting there today, I realized that I just had to get somewhere I felt safe. Then I began seeing all these times in my life I didn't allow her to be part of my life. The moment I felt guilty about it all and wanted to cry, I realized that I didn't know how to allow her into my life. I didn't know what that looked like, but it felt like it came with risks, so I wouldn't allow it. Today, I told her I was sorry. I was so sorry for all those times she wanted to connect and be part of my life and I just couldn't let her. I kept her at an arms distance. She hugged me, and told me, "It's okay Babygirl." From shortly after I got sober until her death, she was allowed minimal access to my life. As I began to feel and understand that. I was emotional, teary-eyed even, with my hands on this client who was deeply relaxed. I wasn't overwhelmed with guilt like I usually get. It was simply an understanding. I understood, she understood, and she harbored no anger or upset about it. It felt like love and forgiveness took up that space now. And with that, I was shown all the ways I've not allowed so many other people in life to love me - because I didn't know how. Before she left, I didn't want her to go and told her that. She turned around and said, "It's your time to heal" With one more hug and a lackadaisical shrug and smirk like she always had done, she sat down in the corner while I attempted to process all that had happened, and then she was gone.
This comes just weeks before I attend my SER 2 training which takes me through my birth process, my 9 month journey inside the womb, and my conception... in Canada, which is a 6 in numerology (the family, the nurturer, charity, etc.) It is a time to heal. Her visit wasn't an accident.
I'm so grateful for that moment. Even though it was right in the middle of a client session. I did initially panic and told her she couldn't be here right now, and we could talk about it later. She ignored that and persisted - I couldn't not hear her. She was right there. I asked spirit and my clients inner physician to continue to guide me on auto-pilot because, obviously, she wasn't going anywhere. I chalked it up to that being who she was - someone who frequently disregarded boundaries or at the very least pushed them, lol. But I also got the impression that I hadn't been allowing myself to be still or quiet enough lately for her to have that conversation with me. And that, would also be true.
Thanks, Mom. I love you, too. I will heal.
With Grace & Gratitude...
