Last night I had a dream the last three men I loved died, in the order was in love with them from most recent to most past. Me being the seeker I am, I woke up searching.
Dee was the first one to die. I cried hystericall as I told Mandy. Then Andy and Jared a few days later on or around the same day. I was writing down my dream in my dream so I would look it up.
Now the interesting thing is this. Yesterday before yoga I drew an oracle card which was the sacral chakra, it I'm very sensitive right now and should avoid addictive things and harsh environments, peoples, and relationships (that's the jist anyway). This chakra is orange, and has to do with emotions and sexual relations. So, during my yoga practice I focused on releasing < That was yesterday.
Right before I dreamt this I woke up exausted from not sleeping well and decided to meditate. I was praying and my attention was brought to my sacral chakra and I was asked why I was so afraid. What was I afraid of? I was terrified of repeating the same cyle of falling in love with someone who didn't want to be with me. When would I know if that was the case and would I be in too much denial to see it? I wanted to be able to know and let go if I was ever about to enter another relationship like that. I was/am willing to avoid that relationship, just afraid I wouldn't be able to see it thus falling into it again...A relationship based on sex and friendship, not what I wanted. Actually, I do.... just within a montonaeous relationship.
I'm rambling because my mind is going a hundred miles a minute. Basically, this is what I got out of it. The dream was telling me, those days are over. The part of me that attracts these kinds of relationships is gone. There's nothing to worry about because that part of me no longer exists. There has been a rebirth on a spiritual level. I'm excited, and happy. Although, there is a small part that doesn't want to believe me but I know it to be true. Thank you.<3
Love & Light
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Being Single
I was skimming through pictures of an old friend that had just added me on facebook... combined with a Brian McKnights "I'll be" playing in the background... stirred up the desire to write, so here I am.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am single because I have chosen to be so. I look at my facebook covered with pictures of myself, my cat, statuses about school, weight loss, and life. Love, there is Love, but more so in the sense of that being all that is. Not focused on romantic love. Slowely I've transformed, everything I was, into everything I am now, yet they are so different. Like a line in the sand has been drawn, the last "checkpoint" as I lovingly call them has been crossed, for a while anyway. There are more, I'm sure of it. I want to be single. I enjoy it. I enjoy spending my time, energy, and money on myself. On my growth, my spirituality, my friends, my family. And that's okay. Every bit of it is absolutely okay. I've given much thought to my last relationship, all though he doesn't call it that... a relationship is defined as "an emotional or other connection between people." That being said, I look back on that relationship, which I have given a year and decided a few months ago I was done. It wasn't what I wanted, I took the lessons and the Love and walked away. He seems to be coming around a little more, but I have no desire to be his friend. I also have no desire to be WITH him in any shape form or fashion. There is still Love, Love never goes anywhere, it cannot be made, destroyed, taken away, given... it's just there, always, flowing freely in, out and around.
Right now. I feel stronger than I've felt in years. Solid. Emotionally Stable. As if from this point on I have the choice as to how hard I shall struggle with ANYTHING in life. For the first time, I trully believe the worst is now behind me. Like I"m standing in the aftermath of category 5 hurricane, in rubble, with the sun shining on my face, unscoothed, with my arms spread wide, a smile on my face and gratitiude and Love pourign from my soul like water from a fire hydrant. Nothing will compare to this. I survived.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am single because I have chosen to be so. I look at my facebook covered with pictures of myself, my cat, statuses about school, weight loss, and life. Love, there is Love, but more so in the sense of that being all that is. Not focused on romantic love. Slowely I've transformed, everything I was, into everything I am now, yet they are so different. Like a line in the sand has been drawn, the last "checkpoint" as I lovingly call them has been crossed, for a while anyway. There are more, I'm sure of it. I want to be single. I enjoy it. I enjoy spending my time, energy, and money on myself. On my growth, my spirituality, my friends, my family. And that's okay. Every bit of it is absolutely okay. I've given much thought to my last relationship, all though he doesn't call it that... a relationship is defined as "an emotional or other connection between people." That being said, I look back on that relationship, which I have given a year and decided a few months ago I was done. It wasn't what I wanted, I took the lessons and the Love and walked away. He seems to be coming around a little more, but I have no desire to be his friend. I also have no desire to be WITH him in any shape form or fashion. There is still Love, Love never goes anywhere, it cannot be made, destroyed, taken away, given... it's just there, always, flowing freely in, out and around.
Right now. I feel stronger than I've felt in years. Solid. Emotionally Stable. As if from this point on I have the choice as to how hard I shall struggle with ANYTHING in life. For the first time, I trully believe the worst is now behind me. Like I"m standing in the aftermath of category 5 hurricane, in rubble, with the sun shining on my face, unscoothed, with my arms spread wide, a smile on my face and gratitiude and Love pourign from my soul like water from a fire hydrant. Nothing will compare to this. I survived.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)