Scars

"Even scars fade..."

Despite popular belief. Scars are not forever. They do fade. They soften. They slowly begin to blend back in with the rest of who we are. We talk as if they are forever, as if nothing new can grow there, or they will remain forever so obvious that if anyone gets close enough, our biggest hurts will be put on display. So what do we do? We hide them. We spend energy attempting to somehow camouflage them, OR we flaunt them to show the world how tough we are, where we've been, and where we'd like the world to believe we aren't afraid to go. We speak of the "scars on our hearts" that will apparently debunk every other heart related experience we could ever possibly have. We attach meaning, weight, significance and you can literally watch someone's face change as the subject arises. I'm here to assure you... those scars don't last forever. Sure the deeper one's may take a few years to lighten and soften but they will, both the physical and emotional ones...

Stepping Outside of Myself

Since it has been some time since I've written what I would consider a good & decent blog, my creative spark is taking few moments to really begin to burn. My sole purpose here today is to help re-ignite my creativity, which I've felt has almost been blown out in my steps in balancing out my life over the past year. A full cycle has come to pass. I moved here to the Lansing area a year ago this week. The foundation of which I built my life upon in the 4 years prior shifted, dramatically. The 4 years prior had been about ME. All about me. I got sober, I was in nursing school, I left AA, I quit smoking, I lost weight. I set out on a journey to fix me, get to know me, better me, & love me. And I did. All of the things in my life that helped me to do all of this, seemed to *poof* leave my life with a single truck load of things, my cat, and my plants as the decision was made on a Thursday afternoon to start something new, with someone else, somewhere else. Here I was 2 hours away from everything that helped keep me stay grounded over the last 4 years; no gym, no yoga, no uncle, no sober friends who had walked the journey with me. With the same fervor I used to better me, I began pouring everything I knew about who I was & life in general into this relationship I came here for. After all, it was something I had never experienced. A committed? Healthy? Loving relationship?! What was that?!?! 5 years ago I couldn't even fathom what that was like. It was something that required all of me for it to grow. And it has. I finally understand contentment. I finally live in the sweet spot I have searching for my entire life. Here is balance, and most significantly, it's not about me anymore.

So herein lies my work.

I've realized that over the last 5 years, I could have been a much better friend. I could have been a much better daughter, niece, sister, cousin, & girlfriend. I have always considered myself extremely blessed in the area of friends. God has always put the most amazing people in my life, and I have allowed them to feel less than important. I have allowed them to fade out of my life because of my inability to show them how much they meant to me through my actions. I've begun the journey of stepping outside of myself. Of rebuilding what can still be re-built. This is not self-pity; I did that weeks ago. This is an acknowledgment of a weakness, a bringing of the darkness into the Light. Whereas I have attacked many areas of my life with determination and gusto; this one requires patience, gentleness, humility, & grace. It requires an understanding that it is not in my control, I can simply give without expectation, as many have given to me. This is my apology. This is my thank you. You all know who you are. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Dot