Yesterday was 100 days.
I don’t know why I picked 100, and I don’t know why I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes. They are not from sadness. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen in these 100 days. I assumed there would be some nitty, gritty inner work, and there was. Emotions surfaced. Mental change surfaced. And I think there might have been a LITTLE weight-loss. I’m not 100% sure because I throw out my scale 😄.
There’s a re-figuring of who I am going on right now. I am not the same woman I was 100 days ago, but no one would see that yet. The last couple weeks have been filled with thoughts of utter gratitude, a deep, overwhelming gratitude for this life I have. It’s the life I’ve always wanted. I feel free - finally. I feel strong mentally. There is joy in my life. I’ve decided to switch careers and my goal is for us to pay cash for Sabrina’s NP school. I’m building a new wardrobe. I’m building a new me, the me I have always wanted. It has not been a perfect process - shame, worry, guilt - have all needed to be surrendered and my humanness embraced. I am not just a fat woman, and despite my previous fear, most people would agree. I was told in reiki I need to see it; I need to see myself thin. I’ve come a long way. These 100 days may not look much different on me to most, but I feel it - a deeper sense of commitment and clarity. A peaceful focus I’ve not had in years, if ever. There is a mental toughness I wasn’t sure existed, mostly grown from the introduction of stoicism.
Right now, at this moment. I haven’t worked out since Tuesday (it’s Sunday) I’ve logged all but one of my days and stuck to around 150g of carbs per day. (100g was encouraged by my doc). My podcast just talked about realistic goals - goals we are likely to do on a scale of at-least 8/10, ten being without a doubt. I am learning to balance these two; the attention to food detail and consistent fitness. And I’m going to do it, not because I want to lose weight necessarily, but because I want this to be so much a part of my life I don’t think twice about getting up and working out at 6am on a Tuesday, or passing on the majority of carbs at meal-times. I want this to just be part of what I do and who I am. I hope Josh, my coach, hangs with me. Fitness has replaced more than one unhealthy habit for me. This is for my mental health, whoever wrote that damn article was merely answering a quiet, late-night call from my soul. I think this last 100 days was for my mental health.
I am not ashamed anymore. I am a lucky gal. I consider my life a miraculous gift. So, here’s to podcasts, early-morning workouts, a good coach, and some willingness to do the work.
“You will not always be motivated, you must learn to be disciplined.”
With Grace & Gratitude...
