Usually, I start with a quote, followed by an explanation of where it came from, who said it, and what it made me feel. Some witty comment, some something that made me think. Something that sparked the creative reflectiveness that has grown to be my most useful and productive means of personal growth. At thist moment however, I don't have one, but my desire to write is overwhelming. I wrote that out in my journal the other day just before my pen died... I said fuck it. So here I am. It has been a while. What is my most pressing issue? I'm struggling. I'm struggling with my eating, my working out, my yoga-ing my everything that got me where I am over the last 3 1/2 years. The things that have been my catalysts of balance, peace, serenity. I get that that things change. That what I was doing, wasn't working for me anymore. I remember walking into the gym in February and telling Burkey that I was no longer working from a wounded place and something needed to change. I struggled then, but clang to it. I clang to the station, to Anytime, to B Murphy, and to Bodhi Seed and hit a standsill, but it wasn't the first time I just needed to keeping going. So what now? What now, when all of those places are almost 2 hours and a half a tank of gas away? What now when I have to consider another person in my eating plan, what now with the added temptation of having things in the house that I don't want to eat, not because I don't like them or don't want them, but becuase I don't want the calories, I don't want the results of that decision. I've been making bad decisions day after day, I've told myself the things I've told others before, the things I told myself in the beginning. And yet, here I am. Struggling. Looking down at my body thinking, fuck. This is were I was last Thanksgiving, I've gained almost 20lbs. I can blame it on the job, I can blame it on the love but It's fairly simply actually. I don't work out like I used too, I don't eat like I used too, and I don't yoga like I used too. I don't do the things I need to do, to get to where I want to be. PERIOD. I've asked myself, where is my drive? Where is my motivation? About a year into my weight loss eating just wasn't an issue anymore, much like smoking wasn't an issue and drinking wasn't an issue. So what now? No that it IS an issue, when I find myself over eating every day. I breathe. I ask myself, what is the issue here? What do I feel and where do I feel it? I wonder if I'm making sense, if this blog is even worth posting. I know that something has got to change. I don't work from a wounded place anymore, and thats great... but I'm not working from anyplace. I'll choose working from wounded than not working at all. God, Self, show me what I need to do now do hit my goal wt I set 3 1/2 years ago, please show me the way. Open my eyes, my mind and bless grant me the courage and faith do follow what it is that you show me... I am again, humbled, mostly willing. There is anger there, anger at myself. Reflecting on past training at the station makes me feel as if I failed someone or something. As if I betrayed myself. I feeling of undeserving, because I stopped wanting to work that hard. There's the issue that brings tears to my eyes, that station was my sanctuary, a feeling of connectedness amongst others who pushed there bodies to what seemed like pure punishment, but did so with a smile. I look at Chris Burkeybyle and feel shame, disappointment. I can feel myself wanting to hang my head. Wanting to redeem myself, but feeling as if I have fallen to far. A desire to run back to what I know works, but an understanding that I'm not that person anymore, it won't work. A need for his approval, hmm there's something to sit with when in all actuality the approval I'm seeking is my own, and my expectations are so high anything less that above average perfection feels like failure. So if I can't find the gray area, I better learn to stay above the black. All roads lead home, all lessons lead to the Self. I've spent the last 3 yrs drawing my drive from the faith others had in me, from there vision of who I was and what I was capable. It's time to draw from mySelf, to not only know that it is within me, but to actually pull, push, and drive from that.
14 hours later, after the computer died preventing me from posting... I found my quote.
Thank you Spirit for answering me plea, I'm ready.
