Pain & Music

MAYBE, I should actually write these blogs when the inspiration initially hits. I've been inspired to write this blog for ATLEAST 4 days now, and now that I'm here, It's taking me a few moments to gather the tid-bits of clarity and moments of definition & explanation leading me, here. And this is not the first time it's happened... so here goes...

I've spent the last probably 2 weeks, listening and watching as it became apparent to me the universe was very delicately revealing to me insight into people's relation and perception of pain and it's tie to music, including my own. I was walking on the treadmill the other day and hit shuffle on my media player only to hear song after song of this sense of longing and sadness, I thought, "My god! Was I really that sad?!?!" flashing me back to moments of blaring the song driving down the road because an ex couldn't give me what I wanted or lying on my bedroom floor sobbing with the same song on repeat flailing about in my broken heartedness. Almost every single song had a tie to a particular person or situation which I instantly began to re-live on some level within the first 10 seconds. So why do this to myself? Why do we do this to ourselves? We put so much emphasize on music and our mood and it's accuracy in depicting what we're feeling or where we've been, and it seems the more painful, the more we can relate. And yet, they are some of our "favorite" songs??? It seemed so simple and so silly to me. Apparently on some level I was still holding on to some of that pain. It was hiding, but was still there lingering. It seems so silly to me because the freedom I've created for myself over the last 5 years has lead me to a life I truly enjoy every moment of every day. I am finally content. So I went through and  deleted over 90 songs, songs that took me to places, I simply didn't want to go anymore.

We all do this. We use music as a vessel to take us back to various places, if we are taking ourselves back to to place of pain we need to ask ourselves why? For some of us, pain has become a centralized theme in our lives and we find it comforting and normal. But its up to us to break that pattern, to logically understand that we have built a relationship with pain that no longer needs to be there, and create new behaviors that will in turn lead to new thoughts, new habits, and a life where pain doesn't have to be present for us to feel comfortable. It's a process, and it takes courage and willingness to go into the unknown. I believe everyone can change, everything changes all the time. People are no exception. So if you find yourself re-living pain through music, start small... choose a new favorite song. One that inspires you, that uplifts you, one that reflects the life you want, not the one you've had.

With Grace & Gratitude....

Learn From Lyrics

"And I don't blame ya dear for running like you did, all these years, I would do the same you best believe..." Stubborn Love, The Lumineers

Nothing transforms us as quickly as pain. And for those of us where pain has been a central theme, we find ourselves building a tolerance to it. It becomes... less uncomfortable. And when the pain is no longer there, we aren't quite sure what to do with ourselves, and sometimes, subconsciously seek to re-create our comfort zone. And sometimes with the music we listen too. I love music, and I know at any given moment, the song I cannot get enough of will tell me something about myself. The songs we "relate" too, tell us something about ourselves, tell other people something about us. Why do we love it so much? What does it do for us? What is it telling us? "And I don't blame you dear for running like you did, all these years, I would do the same you best believe..." Why do I relate to that? Because THAT'S WHAT I DID! FOR YEARSSS. duh. But why listen to it over and over? The past few weeks I have watched the universe very delicately bring up this question, in many different forms. I asked why so many lesbians listen to Ani Difranco and the response I got was "Because she looks like a lesbian and she sings about pain." Made sense.

So what do you relate to? What are your favorite songs, favorite lines? Write it out, and learn something about yourself. I love music. I don't know where I'd be without it! Loving the lyric above tells me that I've forgiven myself for running, for hiding. It tells me that I'm not ashamed anymore, that I accept myself and where I've been, and in the place of anger, I now harbor compassion for myself. :)

No.

"Sometimes you just have to tell yourself no."'

Sometimes we just do. I wanted Tim Horton's yesterday for lunch, which I knew at least a couple things about allowing myself to go there a) the sandwich I wanted was about 700 calories, b) my body doesn't tolerate coffee well these days, c) I already had plans to overeat today, and was going to do so joyfully, because pizza hut is amazing and I refuse to deprive myself of any of the things that I truly enjoy, these instances I practice moderation....  SO, knowing these things I decided that you know what, sometimes we just need to tell ourselves no, lovingly like we would tell our child who wants to eat too much candy before bed, or our best friend who wants to make that compulsive phone call to their ex. I personally don't like to hear the word no. I don't like to be told no, I remembered that yesterday. I quit my job 3 years ago because the scheduler told me I couldn't switch floors, and said "NO" with an attitude, so not only did I not want to hear it, I didn't want to hear it from her, cause who the fuck was she anyways??? So it was either setting my keys down on the counter walking out or jumping over it and punching her in the face. THAT'S how much I've hated to be told no. But yesterday, a grace came with the word. A loving, supportive, encouraging, no. And I asked myself what was a better choice I could make? I ended up eating less than 500 calories for lunch sandwich, chips, and drink included. Thank God for that. We can make a choice every day, to be our own worse enemy or our best friend. It's about conscious choices. Of asking ourselves, is this worth it, taking a deep breathe then re-asking ourselves because sometimes we can spit out a quick, not-so-true yes as our hands are in route to our mouths with chocolate or burgers or whatever in tow, followed by guilt and a vicious cycle.

I look back on where I was in July of 2009 and all of the people God put in my path to help me get to where I am now. They were all exactly what I needed when I was working with them....from trainers, to hypnotherapists, to yoga teachers, different gyms, workout buddies, energy healers. To Jonathan Stevens, Jack Dugger, Billie Tobin, Pat Hill & all the yogi's at Bodhi Seed Yoga, Chris Burkeybyle and the station, Andrea and anytime fitness, B Murphy!, and everyone else who played a part in my journey, THANK YOU.... maybe the biggest lesson of 2012 was learning to tell myself  no, yes, good job, go to the gym, don't quit, sure you want to eat that? etc because sometimes I need to hear it, and none of you are here to say it...

"To know when to bend and when to leap- when to bow out and when to hurl our passions like buckets of pain across a stage..." - b