"There are few things I enjoy more than training hard."
- My thought Monday after working out with Burkey. As if I had been denying that fact, ashamed of what people would think if they knew how much I really loved to put my body through rigorous physical training... dammit I can't find the quote but something along the line of a drive to push one's self which borders on psychosis. < I've been there. We laugh joking about how sick we are & how much we love it. There have been surreal moments this week. Surprised by what I could do and was doing. Secretly admiring the blood blisters on my hands, and bruises on my shins... that bar has no empathy. Smiling with every sore movement of my body for days afterward. My hidden pride, knowing what I can do in that that station, wanting only more. To push more, to lift more, to see what kind of internal dialogue pops up after holding a 15ft slosh pipe over your head for 3 min slowly loosing feeling in your arms becoming aware of the phantom sensation of water trickling down my forearms. What is said in my head, says a lot about me... and I want to know what that is. People watch, and you breathe. Because there comes a point when it takes all you have to simply do that, just breathe. Speaking of watching, that's what I'm doing. Watching a passion for training grow inside me like my passion for personal growth, which I guess they could go hand in hand. Inspired by those who train on a level many would consider "crazy"... yet I see it as honesty, willingness, & humility. I see it as part of an intricate matrix of who I am. Physical, mental, & spiritual. Allegory. A word I didn't even know the meaning to until a few days ago, unaware I didn't know the meaning until a comment was made standing outside Anytime Fitness holding my station 515 shirt. I wasn't gonna wear that shirt until I knew wtf allegory meant, lol. Powerful. Strong. Humble. Scared. Courageous. Willing. Proud. Honest.... just a a few of the things I feel when I drop that bar, scream out because it hurts, or express how much I FUCKING HATE whatever I'm about to do, but do it anyway. What am I passionate about? A question I ask myself from time to time. I'm passionate about personal growth on all levels. Allowing the physical, mental, & spiritual to dance within a beautiful balance of every feeling, emotion, & action or non-action. I'm passionate about being as tough as I am delicate, as feminine as I am masculine, & as healed as I was broken. Reminding myself of the importance of rest with drive. Inspired. Passionately inspired. I love this shit. I want more, like any good addict, I want more. But today, that which I pursue leads me down a path of self-discovery. "Know they self." I'm no longer afraid of who I am. When you have consciously & willingly exposed yourself to pain your threshold increases. What is there to fear, if you've already experienced more pain that what is coming? Whether it by choice or chance? Once you've been there, your less afraid to go back. So go first willingly. Allegory.
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
My Body, Artfully Crafted
"Just think about that beach body"
What a joke, I thought. I laughed & shook my head. There was a picture of a beach with a fake sun just above those words. I thought of how terrible it must be to hate every minute of self-improvement. To wish to be ANYWHERE but right there, earning the body you have. Because that's the truth, we have earned whatever body we have. Our bodies are simply a physical manifestation of thoughts, experience, feelings, effort, work, etc. "Be with your body" - I heard that too in yoga yesterday. Be with my body. This beautiful piece of art that I've watched morph over the past 2 years due to an unwavering faith, a willingness to do whatever it takes, going to places within myself I was terrified to go. My body is a canvas of which you can see where I've been & who I am at any given moment, because my body will always carry remnants of 319 lbs, and that's okay. That's my story. There will forever be self-induced scars on my thighs & calves, a portal for my pain when I knew no other outlet, and that's okay. Along with small tell-tell signs of anxiety induced picking at my face and upper arms, because that was the safest thing I could do at that moment. My shoddy nail beds and slightly aged skin are fragments of years spent desperately trying to get others to perceive me as pretty with acrylic nails and year round tanning, because I allowed what others thought of me to carry entirely to much weight, and if they thought I was pretty, and told me enough, maybe I would believe it too. Hmm, interesting isn't it? I spent the first 22 years of my life reaching for an outward solution to my inward problems. Today, I am building myself anew from the inside out both figuratively & literally. I address the real issues, the inner issues, whatever they may be and watch as the outside changes as a result of this.. I watch my leg muscles naturally chisel themselves out, my collar bones dominate my upper chest, and know that although I can't see them yet... there HAS to be a six pack under what's left of my slowly fading armor of fat I've carried for years. My hair cannot get short enough, and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that I can dead life 295lbs, which is more than my body weight. Yoga keeps me feminine & flexible. I run physically now so I don't have to run emotionally. I may not ever have the "beach body" so many of us think about when we see signs like the one I saw in the gym today, but I'm going to have MY body. I'm going to know good, bad, or indifferent, I earned that body, and I'm gonna wear it proudly.
Did I do this alone any of it, the destruction and rebuilding of who I am? Absolutely not. We cannot function alone. We are not here to be alone, to face life alone. I am so grateful for the people who have been part of this process. It's not about that beach body, I couldn't give a fuck about that beach body. It's about the process of getting to where you are, right now. It's bout knowing yourself, loving yourself, forgiving yourself. It's about knowing it's okay to be mad at yourself sometimes, and really, no, you don't know who you are. No one knows who they are. I am whatever kind of person you perceive me to be, to you that is. I wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise. My perceptions of me, are no no less bias than yours. Because guess what, even we don't know everything about ourselves, we hide things from ourselves. So who are you? You don't know. I know who I perceive me to be. What do you THINK about yourself should be a more appropriate question. Because that's what really matters, what you think of yourself effects every moment of your life. Every decision, every relationship, failure, success, EVERYTHING. So what do you think about yourself? It matters. Whether this person or that person agrees or not, doesn't matter. Whether it's "true" or not doesn't matter. What do you think of yourself? I asked myself that question today. And if there is something about yourself that you don't like, or is hindering your goals & aspirations, then change it, but you can't fix what you don't know is broken. I've spent years trying to answer the question who am I? And couldn't come up with an answer. I was asking the wrong question. How do I see myself? Is what I was suppose to be asking myself. And replying honestly, no matter how much I may not have wanted to admit it. At the very least, admit it to yourself. There will be some things I may not like about myself, but how do I perceive me? It's imperative that I know this. Along with the truth that this perception will change, I will change, & other's perception will change. Everything changes, and thank God for that.
It's amazing how when we are there it doesn't seem "that bad" but yet as we recover from self-destruction it becomes so much more clear how much we really hated ourselves. This is my recovery.
Love & Light
Dottie
What a joke, I thought. I laughed & shook my head. There was a picture of a beach with a fake sun just above those words. I thought of how terrible it must be to hate every minute of self-improvement. To wish to be ANYWHERE but right there, earning the body you have. Because that's the truth, we have earned whatever body we have. Our bodies are simply a physical manifestation of thoughts, experience, feelings, effort, work, etc. "Be with your body" - I heard that too in yoga yesterday. Be with my body. This beautiful piece of art that I've watched morph over the past 2 years due to an unwavering faith, a willingness to do whatever it takes, going to places within myself I was terrified to go. My body is a canvas of which you can see where I've been & who I am at any given moment, because my body will always carry remnants of 319 lbs, and that's okay. That's my story. There will forever be self-induced scars on my thighs & calves, a portal for my pain when I knew no other outlet, and that's okay. Along with small tell-tell signs of anxiety induced picking at my face and upper arms, because that was the safest thing I could do at that moment. My shoddy nail beds and slightly aged skin are fragments of years spent desperately trying to get others to perceive me as pretty with acrylic nails and year round tanning, because I allowed what others thought of me to carry entirely to much weight, and if they thought I was pretty, and told me enough, maybe I would believe it too. Hmm, interesting isn't it? I spent the first 22 years of my life reaching for an outward solution to my inward problems. Today, I am building myself anew from the inside out both figuratively & literally. I address the real issues, the inner issues, whatever they may be and watch as the outside changes as a result of this.. I watch my leg muscles naturally chisel themselves out, my collar bones dominate my upper chest, and know that although I can't see them yet... there HAS to be a six pack under what's left of my slowly fading armor of fat I've carried for years. My hair cannot get short enough, and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that I can dead life 295lbs, which is more than my body weight. Yoga keeps me feminine & flexible. I run physically now so I don't have to run emotionally. I may not ever have the "beach body" so many of us think about when we see signs like the one I saw in the gym today, but I'm going to have MY body. I'm going to know good, bad, or indifferent, I earned that body, and I'm gonna wear it proudly.
Did I do this alone any of it, the destruction and rebuilding of who I am? Absolutely not. We cannot function alone. We are not here to be alone, to face life alone. I am so grateful for the people who have been part of this process. It's not about that beach body, I couldn't give a fuck about that beach body. It's about the process of getting to where you are, right now. It's bout knowing yourself, loving yourself, forgiving yourself. It's about knowing it's okay to be mad at yourself sometimes, and really, no, you don't know who you are. No one knows who they are. I am whatever kind of person you perceive me to be, to you that is. I wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise. My perceptions of me, are no no less bias than yours. Because guess what, even we don't know everything about ourselves, we hide things from ourselves. So who are you? You don't know. I know who I perceive me to be. What do you THINK about yourself should be a more appropriate question. Because that's what really matters, what you think of yourself effects every moment of your life. Every decision, every relationship, failure, success, EVERYTHING. So what do you think about yourself? It matters. Whether this person or that person agrees or not, doesn't matter. Whether it's "true" or not doesn't matter. What do you think of yourself? I asked myself that question today. And if there is something about yourself that you don't like, or is hindering your goals & aspirations, then change it, but you can't fix what you don't know is broken. I've spent years trying to answer the question who am I? And couldn't come up with an answer. I was asking the wrong question. How do I see myself? Is what I was suppose to be asking myself. And replying honestly, no matter how much I may not have wanted to admit it. At the very least, admit it to yourself. There will be some things I may not like about myself, but how do I perceive me? It's imperative that I know this. Along with the truth that this perception will change, I will change, & other's perception will change. Everything changes, and thank God for that.
It's amazing how when we are there it doesn't seem "that bad" but yet as we recover from self-destruction it becomes so much more clear how much we really hated ourselves. This is my recovery.
Love & Light
Dottie
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The Answer
"What do I really want in regards to relationships?"
"BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF."
A question and statement I have pondered for at least 3 or 4 days now. The question comes from I really had no idea what I wanted, until today. It all seemed foggy, like I could see a few things fairly well, but the rest was merely a guess based on what I DID know to be true. The statement is an oracle card that would come up in every spread I would pull within it saying, "It's okay to be honest with yourself." - Resonance. Instaneous, focus creating resonance. What was I not willing to admit to myself? I upon reflected moments, phrases, opinions, & conversations of the past week. "You're a cold hearted mother fucker. You don't want a man that cares. You're a player and need to find a dude that doesn't care that you're a player." Was I a player? I don't want to be a player, I just don't want to be tied down. Ask anyone who knows me, I'm not cold hearted. It didn't resonate, but there was some truth to that statement. It wasn't fair of me to keep talking to someone who wanted something way more than what I was willing to give. "Like you have any room to talk, just because you aren't fucking any of those guys doesn't mean you aren't fucking with their emotions." Sad face. Why does it seem that everyone is assuming I have a whole slew of men? I really don't. Just a few, I talk to randomly, two of which don't want to talk to me anymore because I'm "not ready to be tied down" & "in addition to other things, [my] lack of unreliable messaging is complicating matters" along with the "Don't get attached to me Dottie." < statements from three different men. I can respect that. Reflection. I'm not trying to hurt anyone else just because I want to have fun. And there it is, the realization I came to this morning. Actually, I didn't come to it, it came to me, unexpectedly. The moment that thought came into my mind, I stopped what I was doing and said, "There it is." The answer I had been searching for. What did I want? What DO I want to be more specific, because we are living in the present here. I elaborated. Everyone has their own definition of what "just wanting to have fun" means, and I needed to know what mine was, because since the clarity had finally come I was going look at it ALL.
I want to have fun. I want to be able to call when I feel like it, or when I don't without getting an attitude, or me worrying about how this comment or phone call will be perceived. Call me whenever. I don't care. I like random calls and text messages. I want to be free to come and go as I please and not take this whole dating thing so serious. I love to flirt & talk shit... it's fun and exciting, but I only want to be sexually involved with one guy. I want to talk to whoever I feel like... and not take this whole dating thing so serious.
I was just re-reading the last 3 blogs I wrote that I kept private. I love it when I look back and see all the pieces fit together. It's so tempting to post them, but seems they are just a BIT to personally and have other people's names in them. I think I'd feel a little weird if I read someones blog and MY name was in it... lol It's like you know people talk about you when you're not around, good/bad/indifferent... but it's always a little strange when someone says, "Hey! We were JUST talking about you the other day!" Our usual response is, "Good I hope." Of course it is! Otherwise they wouldn't be telling you they were talking about you ;).
Love & Light,
Dottie
"BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF."
A question and statement I have pondered for at least 3 or 4 days now. The question comes from I really had no idea what I wanted, until today. It all seemed foggy, like I could see a few things fairly well, but the rest was merely a guess based on what I DID know to be true. The statement is an oracle card that would come up in every spread I would pull within it saying, "It's okay to be honest with yourself." - Resonance. Instaneous, focus creating resonance. What was I not willing to admit to myself? I upon reflected moments, phrases, opinions, & conversations of the past week. "You're a cold hearted mother fucker. You don't want a man that cares. You're a player and need to find a dude that doesn't care that you're a player." Was I a player? I don't want to be a player, I just don't want to be tied down. Ask anyone who knows me, I'm not cold hearted. It didn't resonate, but there was some truth to that statement. It wasn't fair of me to keep talking to someone who wanted something way more than what I was willing to give. "Like you have any room to talk, just because you aren't fucking any of those guys doesn't mean you aren't fucking with their emotions." Sad face. Why does it seem that everyone is assuming I have a whole slew of men? I really don't. Just a few, I talk to randomly, two of which don't want to talk to me anymore because I'm "not ready to be tied down" & "in addition to other things, [my] lack of unreliable messaging is complicating matters" along with the "Don't get attached to me Dottie." < statements from three different men. I can respect that. Reflection. I'm not trying to hurt anyone else just because I want to have fun. And there it is, the realization I came to this morning. Actually, I didn't come to it, it came to me, unexpectedly. The moment that thought came into my mind, I stopped what I was doing and said, "There it is." The answer I had been searching for. What did I want? What DO I want to be more specific, because we are living in the present here. I elaborated. Everyone has their own definition of what "just wanting to have fun" means, and I needed to know what mine was, because since the clarity had finally come I was going look at it ALL.
I want to have fun. I want to be able to call when I feel like it, or when I don't without getting an attitude, or me worrying about how this comment or phone call will be perceived. Call me whenever. I don't care. I like random calls and text messages. I want to be free to come and go as I please and not take this whole dating thing so serious. I love to flirt & talk shit... it's fun and exciting, but I only want to be sexually involved with one guy. I want to talk to whoever I feel like... and not take this whole dating thing so serious.
I was just re-reading the last 3 blogs I wrote that I kept private. I love it when I look back and see all the pieces fit together. It's so tempting to post them, but seems they are just a BIT to personally and have other people's names in them. I think I'd feel a little weird if I read someones blog and MY name was in it... lol It's like you know people talk about you when you're not around, good/bad/indifferent... but it's always a little strange when someone says, "Hey! We were JUST talking about you the other day!" Our usual response is, "Good I hope." Of course it is! Otherwise they wouldn't be telling you they were talking about you ;).
Love & Light,
Dottie
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Why I Blog
"Why do I blog and post it on fb? Making it available for so many to see?"
I asked myself this question some time ago in attempts to check my ego. To be sure I had not decided somewhere along the line in my self-centered tendencies that my life was just SOOO interesting that people awaited each & every blog. Keeping myself humble, I periodically review my motives & intentions. There are few things more beautiful than a humble, grateful woman.
I blog for a few reasons, first and foremost because writing has always been my safest outlet since I was 12. It's extremely therapeutic. Many times, I just write, without conscious thought, I just write. And thousands of times, I've looked back through old journal entries and found that the answer I was seeking was written on the very page I had asked the question. I came to the conclusion, that the answer was always with me. All I have to do is write, not searching for an answer, because it will come, but just write. Sometimes I can see the answer right away. Whenever I've underlined anything in my blog its because I instantaneously recognize that as an answer to a question I have been asking.
I make it available for different reasons. I have to believe that I have been through hell & back, a handful of times for different reasons so I can better serve a higher purpose. So I can relate to more people and help them to come out of hell too. So I can say, "I've been where you are, I know that pain you're feeling. You don't have to feel this way anymore." I spend time everyday reflecting & meditating on life. Sometimes, answers come when I least expect it, like when I'm walking out of Denny's, or when I'm blow drying my hair, or when I'm going like a mad woman on the precor at the gym. Who am I to keep this a secret? To keep this to myself. A moment of enlightenment, that can help someone else too? I have no idea when I'm going to say something, that may change someones life. Random people have said 4 or 5 worlds in passing that have changed the way I looked at something forever. I follow my heart, say what I feel, and make it accessible for people to "stumble upon." Many of my blogs are very personal. They show heartache, failures & successes, obstacles, miracles, things people may disagree with or not believe, things that may hurt others feelings, or cause people to be angry with me. Within these words there is potential for misinterpretation, humiliation, opportunities for people to judge me, or change the way they think about me, but none of this is of my concern. My intention is connect people. To expose my strengths & weaknesses as a teaching tool, for myself & others and inspire others to do the same so we can all heal. My hope is to encourage others to write, speak up, and not be so afraid of the pain they have experienced. Because there is not one person on this planet that has never felt shame, pain, guilt, or any of the other feelings we try and hide. We are not perfect. Not one of us. The closest bonds of friendships are built when we let our guard down, when we find out that OMG, THAT person has been through this exact same experience. It's like we are instantly friends, because we share a similar story, and feel we can talk about in openly. Guess what, there are probably three other people in your life that share that story too, but we don't easily talk about our deepest fears or most painful memories, blogging opens that door.
This blog is called Light, Lessons, & Love for a reason. Because in every situation, that's what I look for. The Light of the Divine for guidance, the lesson so I can learn & teach others, and Love because that's all that exists anyway. When I focus on these three things... everything else falls away.
In Love & Light,
Dottie
"How beautiful & liberating it must be to have nothing to hide." - Matthew Kelly
I asked myself this question some time ago in attempts to check my ego. To be sure I had not decided somewhere along the line in my self-centered tendencies that my life was just SOOO interesting that people awaited each & every blog. Keeping myself humble, I periodically review my motives & intentions. There are few things more beautiful than a humble, grateful woman.
I blog for a few reasons, first and foremost because writing has always been my safest outlet since I was 12. It's extremely therapeutic. Many times, I just write, without conscious thought, I just write. And thousands of times, I've looked back through old journal entries and found that the answer I was seeking was written on the very page I had asked the question. I came to the conclusion, that the answer was always with me. All I have to do is write, not searching for an answer, because it will come, but just write. Sometimes I can see the answer right away. Whenever I've underlined anything in my blog its because I instantaneously recognize that as an answer to a question I have been asking.
I make it available for different reasons. I have to believe that I have been through hell & back, a handful of times for different reasons so I can better serve a higher purpose. So I can relate to more people and help them to come out of hell too. So I can say, "I've been where you are, I know that pain you're feeling. You don't have to feel this way anymore." I spend time everyday reflecting & meditating on life. Sometimes, answers come when I least expect it, like when I'm walking out of Denny's, or when I'm blow drying my hair, or when I'm going like a mad woman on the precor at the gym. Who am I to keep this a secret? To keep this to myself. A moment of enlightenment, that can help someone else too? I have no idea when I'm going to say something, that may change someones life. Random people have said 4 or 5 worlds in passing that have changed the way I looked at something forever. I follow my heart, say what I feel, and make it accessible for people to "stumble upon." Many of my blogs are very personal. They show heartache, failures & successes, obstacles, miracles, things people may disagree with or not believe, things that may hurt others feelings, or cause people to be angry with me. Within these words there is potential for misinterpretation, humiliation, opportunities for people to judge me, or change the way they think about me, but none of this is of my concern. My intention is connect people. To expose my strengths & weaknesses as a teaching tool, for myself & others and inspire others to do the same so we can all heal. My hope is to encourage others to write, speak up, and not be so afraid of the pain they have experienced. Because there is not one person on this planet that has never felt shame, pain, guilt, or any of the other feelings we try and hide. We are not perfect. Not one of us. The closest bonds of friendships are built when we let our guard down, when we find out that OMG, THAT person has been through this exact same experience. It's like we are instantly friends, because we share a similar story, and feel we can talk about in openly. Guess what, there are probably three other people in your life that share that story too, but we don't easily talk about our deepest fears or most painful memories, blogging opens that door.
This blog is called Light, Lessons, & Love for a reason. Because in every situation, that's what I look for. The Light of the Divine for guidance, the lesson so I can learn & teach others, and Love because that's all that exists anyway. When I focus on these three things... everything else falls away.
In Love & Light,
Dottie
"How beautiful & liberating it must be to have nothing to hide." - Matthew Kelly
Monday, June 13, 2011
Motives & Perceptions (Finally Published)
"What are you looking for?"
A question that stopped me in my tracks as I was going going and forth between S & J's facebok page. Checking out their recent activity, their status', clicking the links to any females pages I thought they may be "talking to"... who was this L chic anyway? They were at the gym together on the 9th. They are in a picture together at what looks like a wedding are they dating? He has his arm around her. Let me check her out, hmmm do I think she's pretty? She looks old. And who's these two new women J is friends with now? Did he meet her on POF? Am I his favorite? When where these pictures taken? How often do they interact with this or that femle... let's check the "see friendship" link. Dammit, why do people have their pages so "private" ... lame. (Yet, mine is private.)
What was I looking for? What am I looking for when I go through thier pages as if I'm on a scavanger hunt and the prize is oxygen? Validation. A go ahead. Something that leads me to believe that I am the only woman they are talking to or interested in. That I have no competition, because I'm extremely competitive, and I'm not used to loosing, and don't handle it well. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Wow. To take it a step further, could it be that I won't even fight for their attention because somewhere inside of me I feel like I"m going to loose anyway? A false belief that they will always choose the other woman. Because she's going to be better than me? In my head, the other woman is always prettier, less crazy, more adept at maintaining a relationship, and must know how to "date", she's probably had more practice than me. I easily allow other women to build or tear away at my self esteem. Wow, well here lies a newly revealed issue, I'm constantly comparing myself to other women. I'm either better than you, or you're better than me. I've been told my ENTIRE life that actions speak louder than words, I don't even listen to people. I just watch them, caue that's where the truth is right? But my perception of their actions squew's the truth. Just as their own motives & perceptions shape what they say, my own motives & perceptions shape what I see, and how I see it. J interacts with very few woman on fb, yet he comments on tons of my stuff... status's, photos, etc. He must like me more than any of the others right? Otherwise he wouldn't be all over my fb page, and then asking me about my pictures. I don't know that. Assumptions are dangerous.
What am I looking for? I ask again because I want to know if there is more. Reasons to be jealous, bitchy, and chaotic? Because isn't that just part of it? You get a little jealous so you have something to talk about with your girlfriends? Something to obsess about because I get bored? A superficial reflection. An excuse to not go to the REAL issue, the deeper issue. Because I feel like I've went there so many times and come back empty handed. I KNOW, I'm missing something, so when I muster up enough energy or the pain is so overwhelming, I revist that place. That invisible place inside of me that pushes me to indulge in obssesive, chaotic, & self-sabotaging behaviors. I said earlier that I've always come back empty handed, that's not true. I've been there hundreds of times and have brought up & released tons of stale old energy that no longer serves me. But it's like it's all on various shelves, and I've still got a few rows of stuff to sift through on the shelf labeled "Romantic Relationships" That makes me smile. It's funny. I like metaphors & I like being able to see something within my head, so I know where I'm at with it, and what's left to do. Funny thing is, why am I seeing it as a food pantry? With cans of food lining it? Twice yesterday, I sat to go within and within minutes I was "hungry" & reaching for food. I was clearly hearing guidance from my Spiritual teachers that I was about to eat my feelings. I wasn't not hungry. To put the food down, feel what I was feeling, and write it out. This would be an awesome blog to post, but I don't want either one of these fellas knowing to what extent I creeped their facebook page yesterday. I'm ashamed. It's that "But, I've been doing SOO GOOD!" feeling. Ego. Today is a different day. If yoga has taught me anything, it has taught me that everyday is different. Everyday my body is different, my mind is different, the setting is different (temp, people, placement of my mat within the room, the teacher, time, weather, etc) Today I may be able to hold that dragon pose for 10 breaths & smile, tomorrow I may come out of it in 3 breaths and PISSED. The point is...it's okay & always erfect, keep breathing. To give in to that which is. To see things as they are right now, now how I want them to be, wish them to be, or want to pretend they are... but exactly as they are, right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
A question that stopped me in my tracks as I was going going and forth between S & J's facebok page. Checking out their recent activity, their status', clicking the links to any females pages I thought they may be "talking to"... who was this L chic anyway? They were at the gym together on the 9th. They are in a picture together at what looks like a wedding are they dating? He has his arm around her. Let me check her out, hmmm do I think she's pretty? She looks old. And who's these two new women J is friends with now? Did he meet her on POF? Am I his favorite? When where these pictures taken? How often do they interact with this or that femle... let's check the "see friendship" link. Dammit, why do people have their pages so "private" ... lame. (Yet, mine is private.)
What was I looking for? What am I looking for when I go through thier pages as if I'm on a scavanger hunt and the prize is oxygen? Validation. A go ahead. Something that leads me to believe that I am the only woman they are talking to or interested in. That I have no competition, because I'm extremely competitive, and I'm not used to loosing, and don't handle it well. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Wow. To take it a step further, could it be that I won't even fight for their attention because somewhere inside of me I feel like I"m going to loose anyway? A false belief that they will always choose the other woman. Because she's going to be better than me? In my head, the other woman is always prettier, less crazy, more adept at maintaining a relationship, and must know how to "date", she's probably had more practice than me. I easily allow other women to build or tear away at my self esteem. Wow, well here lies a newly revealed issue, I'm constantly comparing myself to other women. I'm either better than you, or you're better than me. I've been told my ENTIRE life that actions speak louder than words, I don't even listen to people. I just watch them, caue that's where the truth is right? But my perception of their actions squew's the truth. Just as their own motives & perceptions shape what they say, my own motives & perceptions shape what I see, and how I see it. J interacts with very few woman on fb, yet he comments on tons of my stuff... status's, photos, etc. He must like me more than any of the others right? Otherwise he wouldn't be all over my fb page, and then asking me about my pictures. I don't know that. Assumptions are dangerous.
What am I looking for? I ask again because I want to know if there is more. Reasons to be jealous, bitchy, and chaotic? Because isn't that just part of it? You get a little jealous so you have something to talk about with your girlfriends? Something to obsess about because I get bored? A superficial reflection. An excuse to not go to the REAL issue, the deeper issue. Because I feel like I've went there so many times and come back empty handed. I KNOW, I'm missing something, so when I muster up enough energy or the pain is so overwhelming, I revist that place. That invisible place inside of me that pushes me to indulge in obssesive, chaotic, & self-sabotaging behaviors. I said earlier that I've always come back empty handed, that's not true. I've been there hundreds of times and have brought up & released tons of stale old energy that no longer serves me. But it's like it's all on various shelves, and I've still got a few rows of stuff to sift through on the shelf labeled "Romantic Relationships" That makes me smile. It's funny. I like metaphors & I like being able to see something within my head, so I know where I'm at with it, and what's left to do. Funny thing is, why am I seeing it as a food pantry? With cans of food lining it? Twice yesterday, I sat to go within and within minutes I was "hungry" & reaching for food. I was clearly hearing guidance from my Spiritual teachers that I was about to eat my feelings. I wasn't not hungry. To put the food down, feel what I was feeling, and write it out. This would be an awesome blog to post, but I don't want either one of these fellas knowing to what extent I creeped their facebook page yesterday. I'm ashamed. It's that "But, I've been doing SOO GOOD!" feeling. Ego. Today is a different day. If yoga has taught me anything, it has taught me that everyday is different. Everyday my body is different, my mind is different, the setting is different (temp, people, placement of my mat within the room, the teacher, time, weather, etc) Today I may be able to hold that dragon pose for 10 breaths & smile, tomorrow I may come out of it in 3 breaths and PISSED. The point is...it's okay & always erfect, keep breathing. To give in to that which is. To see things as they are right now, now how I want them to be, wish them to be, or want to pretend they are... but exactly as they are, right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
Sunday, June 12, 2011
I've Learned, Thank God.
A desire to stimulate my mind. I want to read, but nothing that has anything to do with learning. I thought about re-reading The Shack, but remembered I let a friend borrow my copy. I don't want anything to deep with philosophical meaning, but not fiction either. The Shack would have been perfect, apparently though, it's not what I was suppose to be doing right now.
"Eerything will be, what it's suppose to be."
Althougth I've heard that hundreds of times, it's full meaning has finally began to bring about a peace within me for the past several weeks. Before I logically believed, but did not soulfully feel it to be true. I "got it" but fear still reigned. Along with anxiety and attempts at manipulating my actions in attempts to bring about my desired result, which failed quite a few times.
What do I feel right now? A trust I've never felt before. Secure, emotional, tired. Now I'm frustrated, like I'm not saying what I really want to say, like I"m censoring so it sounds good... forget all that junk. From the heart is always best :) What I really want to say is that I'm proud of myself. I've learned. I've cried. I've journaled & meditated. Yoga'd & prayed. Through all of this, slowly I've found peace. A willingness and ability to let go and let things unfold. A miracle. The one man I'v always feared would bring me to my knees every single time, destroying any progress I had made, didn't. After all, he had every other time for the last 10 years, but not this time. I asked for a miracle, and before I returned that email with my number I prayed & mediated for almost an hour. I prayed that Love prevail, not fear. That healing happen on both sides, and it last as long as it was beneficial. It lasted 6 hours, that's how long the phone call was, the first contact in over 2 years, deep life changing conversation, like we had never missed a beat. Because that's what we do. Then it was gone. But the miracle here, was and is.... that I'm okay with that. If I never speak to him again, I'm okay with that. Four years ago, I came to a point with my father that I said, you know what...I love him, I always have, and always will... I'm going to continue loving him. He can come and go in and out of my life as much as he needs to, and it's not going to bother me, because it's not about me and I love him. I made that decision a few weeks ago, and realized today that I've not cried, obssessed, consulted a hundred friends, oracle cards... blah blah blah... I've made progress. I trusted the guidance I recieved from my higher self and the God of my understanding. Just as I have asked, I have healed, grown, & changed, and I'm so grateful for it. How I got here, I'm not positive. But I can tell you that after exhausting myself pushing to create on my own, I finally gave up & gave in. I cried, sometimes hysterical crying. I journaled until I couldn't write anymore, and listened closest to the things I didn't want to hear most. I sat with folded arms, angry wanting nothing more than to tell the person to SHUT THE FUCK UP, I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT. But more than I wanted to do that, I wanted to heal. I wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to learn the lessons presented in the repeating cycles of my love life. I was sent a handful of men to teach me things about myself, and I cried more. Temporary moments of regret & pain. Then soul cleansing tears, of which I had waited for years to feel. A beautiful release.
I sit here in awe, reflecting back on how I used to interact with men, and how I do now. All I think is WOW. I am patient now, knowing that everything will be what it's meant to be, whether its a learning expierence, a friendship, a heartbreak, a life long love.... it is going to be that. There is nothing I can do to speed it up, or do to make it NOT happen. In accepting that I obsses, seek to control and predict, & get over excited and put too much in too quick, I watched it dissipate. A realization that I am the way I am for a reason, and when that reason is done serving it's purpose, I will no longer be like that. I breathe. A freedom so delicate that any attempts at going to GET IT, causes it to fade, like white smoke... but if I sit there long enough, through the pain, the exhaustion, the frustration, the desire & tears, the gratitude, then relase then slowly it will come to me. Engulf me and find it's niche within my soul. Sporadic set backs may happen, and there may be those moments of fear, but that's okay. After all... it is about progress not perfection.
Love & Light
Dottie
"Eerything will be, what it's suppose to be."
Althougth I've heard that hundreds of times, it's full meaning has finally began to bring about a peace within me for the past several weeks. Before I logically believed, but did not soulfully feel it to be true. I "got it" but fear still reigned. Along with anxiety and attempts at manipulating my actions in attempts to bring about my desired result, which failed quite a few times.
What do I feel right now? A trust I've never felt before. Secure, emotional, tired. Now I'm frustrated, like I'm not saying what I really want to say, like I"m censoring so it sounds good... forget all that junk. From the heart is always best :) What I really want to say is that I'm proud of myself. I've learned. I've cried. I've journaled & meditated. Yoga'd & prayed. Through all of this, slowly I've found peace. A willingness and ability to let go and let things unfold. A miracle. The one man I'v always feared would bring me to my knees every single time, destroying any progress I had made, didn't. After all, he had every other time for the last 10 years, but not this time. I asked for a miracle, and before I returned that email with my number I prayed & mediated for almost an hour. I prayed that Love prevail, not fear. That healing happen on both sides, and it last as long as it was beneficial. It lasted 6 hours, that's how long the phone call was, the first contact in over 2 years, deep life changing conversation, like we had never missed a beat. Because that's what we do. Then it was gone. But the miracle here, was and is.... that I'm okay with that. If I never speak to him again, I'm okay with that. Four years ago, I came to a point with my father that I said, you know what...I love him, I always have, and always will... I'm going to continue loving him. He can come and go in and out of my life as much as he needs to, and it's not going to bother me, because it's not about me and I love him. I made that decision a few weeks ago, and realized today that I've not cried, obssessed, consulted a hundred friends, oracle cards... blah blah blah... I've made progress. I trusted the guidance I recieved from my higher self and the God of my understanding. Just as I have asked, I have healed, grown, & changed, and I'm so grateful for it. How I got here, I'm not positive. But I can tell you that after exhausting myself pushing to create on my own, I finally gave up & gave in. I cried, sometimes hysterical crying. I journaled until I couldn't write anymore, and listened closest to the things I didn't want to hear most. I sat with folded arms, angry wanting nothing more than to tell the person to SHUT THE FUCK UP, I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT. But more than I wanted to do that, I wanted to heal. I wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to learn the lessons presented in the repeating cycles of my love life. I was sent a handful of men to teach me things about myself, and I cried more. Temporary moments of regret & pain. Then soul cleansing tears, of which I had waited for years to feel. A beautiful release.
I sit here in awe, reflecting back on how I used to interact with men, and how I do now. All I think is WOW. I am patient now, knowing that everything will be what it's meant to be, whether its a learning expierence, a friendship, a heartbreak, a life long love.... it is going to be that. There is nothing I can do to speed it up, or do to make it NOT happen. In accepting that I obsses, seek to control and predict, & get over excited and put too much in too quick, I watched it dissipate. A realization that I am the way I am for a reason, and when that reason is done serving it's purpose, I will no longer be like that. I breathe. A freedom so delicate that any attempts at going to GET IT, causes it to fade, like white smoke... but if I sit there long enough, through the pain, the exhaustion, the frustration, the desire & tears, the gratitude, then relase then slowly it will come to me. Engulf me and find it's niche within my soul. Sporadic set backs may happen, and there may be those moments of fear, but that's okay. After all... it is about progress not perfection.
Love & Light
Dottie
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Room to ....
"Give the person next you, all the room they need."
...what my yoga teacher said this morning as we were going into a spinal twist, for whatevever reason, this struck a cord with me. It resonated on a level of which it seemed to allow a handful of things to fall into their rightful place. An, a ha moment if you will. I had to concsiously bring myself back to the moment because a hundred understandings flew through my mind, and I wanted to jump up right then and blog about it. Instead, I sat with it, I breathed with it, and I had an amazing practice this morning. This is a beautiful example of being concious of what you say, because you never know when or how your words will move someone else, sometimes it takes a single sentece to change a life.
"Give the person next to you, all the room they need." I say it twice because it can be a very powerful statement. Of course this goes far beyond the yoga mat. Room to be who they are, become who they are. Room to expierence. Room to grow & change. Room to take the path laid out before them. Room to think, create, and even self destruct if that is what is happening at that moment. Every expierence, whether labeled good or bad... got us exactly where we are right now. Who are we to interfere? How often do we intrude our thoughts, beliefs, expierences, desires, etc onto other people's space? How often do we inturde their space because we want what they have? I'm not saying to not love, not be there, not offer a helping hand... just give them the space they need at that moment. As each moment fades into the next, they made need less space, they may need more.... but give it to them.
Thank you Roxanne for being such an amazing teacher <3
Love & Light,
Dottie
...what my yoga teacher said this morning as we were going into a spinal twist, for whatevever reason, this struck a cord with me. It resonated on a level of which it seemed to allow a handful of things to fall into their rightful place. An, a ha moment if you will. I had to concsiously bring myself back to the moment because a hundred understandings flew through my mind, and I wanted to jump up right then and blog about it. Instead, I sat with it, I breathed with it, and I had an amazing practice this morning. This is a beautiful example of being concious of what you say, because you never know when or how your words will move someone else, sometimes it takes a single sentece to change a life.
"Give the person next to you, all the room they need." I say it twice because it can be a very powerful statement. Of course this goes far beyond the yoga mat. Room to be who they are, become who they are. Room to expierence. Room to grow & change. Room to take the path laid out before them. Room to think, create, and even self destruct if that is what is happening at that moment. Every expierence, whether labeled good or bad... got us exactly where we are right now. Who are we to interfere? How often do we intrude our thoughts, beliefs, expierences, desires, etc onto other people's space? How often do we inturde their space because we want what they have? I'm not saying to not love, not be there, not offer a helping hand... just give them the space they need at that moment. As each moment fades into the next, they made need less space, they may need more.... but give it to them.
Thank you Roxanne for being such an amazing teacher <3
Love & Light,
Dottie
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Progress
"If you think you are doing something, you probably are."
I heard this a handful of times as I sat at a chinese buffet. When I thought, I think I'm eating my feelings....
I didn't eat too terribly. I physically cannot stomach the amount of food I was once able too. Progress. So, naturally my next question, as I began to slow down, was what feelings am I eating? I knew exactly what they were... my aggravations with myself for not remaing true to my wants and needs. I needed to study, I didn't want him to come over today. Hell, I didn't want him sleeping here last night. I laid awake in my own bed wanting him OUT of it so I could get comfortable and back on my side. I had given up my wants and needs to make him more comfortable, and I was pissed at myself. Why couldn't I just tell him to go home? Like he told me 3 days ago when I feel asleep in his bed? Boundaries. The fear, how long would I be able to hold out without having sex with him? I was riding a very fine line, I still am I guess... and I know it. He called today and said he was coming over, I told him I had planned on studying because I had a final; he said he was coming over anyway, I said I was going to take a nap, he said to leave the back door open... I don't think the words no ever came out of my mouth, but there was a moment of silence where I couldn't say anything, and a million thoughts ran through my head. So I laid in my bed, now slightly uncomfortable, anticipating his arrival only to wake up over an hour and him not here. I called him and he said he was only joking about coming over. I was pissed, but of course he would have never known. Changing my behaviors in attempts to change someone elses behaviors is something I've been guilty of for some time. My tendency to do this is subsiding but periodically I catch my self doing it. Often, I don't get the reaction or results I was expecting. Which causes me to be angry at myself. Soemtimes, I think that is the most dangerous kind of anger there is. A seperation of self. Two enemies locked in the same room. There is going to be tension, and I'm going to search for an escape. Two forces driving me in opposite directions, each trying to hide from the other. It all meshes together. The next thing I know, I'm in addict mode doing what addicts do best... self-destructing. But by God's grace, not today :)
Back to peace. I breathe. Everything is just as it should be, now and always... and it will be whatever it is meant to be. At one point in my life, I would ask for guidance, get it, trust it and carry it out... only to not have my desires come to fruition. I began to doubt myself. Slowly, I began to realize, that my desires are not always whats best for me. There is a plan to things, a rhyme and reason to things working out a certain way, and when I ask for guidance, I'm going to get the guidance which will help carry THAT out, the will of the universe I suppose. I'm so grateful for the patience I have today, for my ability to find that space within me that just knows... everything truly is working out for the best, and it's all okay. It really is. Sometimes it seems I can only sit within that space for a moment, but it's long enough to remind me its there. I can feel it now. A peace. A knowing. An open flow of energy moving within it so it doesn't shake me. There is comfort in this space, a freedom in knowing I don't have to figure everything out, nor do I have to exhaust myself carrying out various actions that may or may not work or be right. It all seems to fall together. As if my intention of Love & healing is enough... I end up exactly where I'm suppose to be doing exactly what I'm suppose to be doing without even realizing it, until I'm there. Everything is beautiful right now. What a miracle it is to be in this space a little longer and a little longer each time. What a miracle it is to be able to come back here instead of go back there.
Love & Light
Dottie
I heard this a handful of times as I sat at a chinese buffet. When I thought, I think I'm eating my feelings....
I didn't eat too terribly. I physically cannot stomach the amount of food I was once able too. Progress. So, naturally my next question, as I began to slow down, was what feelings am I eating? I knew exactly what they were... my aggravations with myself for not remaing true to my wants and needs. I needed to study, I didn't want him to come over today. Hell, I didn't want him sleeping here last night. I laid awake in my own bed wanting him OUT of it so I could get comfortable and back on my side. I had given up my wants and needs to make him more comfortable, and I was pissed at myself. Why couldn't I just tell him to go home? Like he told me 3 days ago when I feel asleep in his bed? Boundaries. The fear, how long would I be able to hold out without having sex with him? I was riding a very fine line, I still am I guess... and I know it. He called today and said he was coming over, I told him I had planned on studying because I had a final; he said he was coming over anyway, I said I was going to take a nap, he said to leave the back door open... I don't think the words no ever came out of my mouth, but there was a moment of silence where I couldn't say anything, and a million thoughts ran through my head. So I laid in my bed, now slightly uncomfortable, anticipating his arrival only to wake up over an hour and him not here. I called him and he said he was only joking about coming over. I was pissed, but of course he would have never known. Changing my behaviors in attempts to change someone elses behaviors is something I've been guilty of for some time. My tendency to do this is subsiding but periodically I catch my self doing it. Often, I don't get the reaction or results I was expecting. Which causes me to be angry at myself. Soemtimes, I think that is the most dangerous kind of anger there is. A seperation of self. Two enemies locked in the same room. There is going to be tension, and I'm going to search for an escape. Two forces driving me in opposite directions, each trying to hide from the other. It all meshes together. The next thing I know, I'm in addict mode doing what addicts do best... self-destructing. But by God's grace, not today :)
Back to peace. I breathe. Everything is just as it should be, now and always... and it will be whatever it is meant to be. At one point in my life, I would ask for guidance, get it, trust it and carry it out... only to not have my desires come to fruition. I began to doubt myself. Slowly, I began to realize, that my desires are not always whats best for me. There is a plan to things, a rhyme and reason to things working out a certain way, and when I ask for guidance, I'm going to get the guidance which will help carry THAT out, the will of the universe I suppose. I'm so grateful for the patience I have today, for my ability to find that space within me that just knows... everything truly is working out for the best, and it's all okay. It really is. Sometimes it seems I can only sit within that space for a moment, but it's long enough to remind me its there. I can feel it now. A peace. A knowing. An open flow of energy moving within it so it doesn't shake me. There is comfort in this space, a freedom in knowing I don't have to figure everything out, nor do I have to exhaust myself carrying out various actions that may or may not work or be right. It all seems to fall together. As if my intention of Love & healing is enough... I end up exactly where I'm suppose to be doing exactly what I'm suppose to be doing without even realizing it, until I'm there. Everything is beautiful right now. What a miracle it is to be in this space a little longer and a little longer each time. What a miracle it is to be able to come back here instead of go back there.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, June 6, 2011
Stubborn
I've spent the last couple weeks trying to prove Billie wrong. Surrender is coming over me, slowely, like the setting sun. I'm finding a reprieve within it, I've almost exhausted myself fighting what I know to be true at this point in my life. I'm not ready for a serious, committed relationship. If I were ready, and it really was what I wanted, I'd have it right now. It's available. Instead, I push him away, allows other closer but only so far, and yet chase one more. I still think it's all about me. I say that with a sigh, an acknowledgement of my own selfhishness without a willingness to let it go just yet. My lessons. Be patient with me. *I'm* not ready for this. What about them? As if they have no feelings. A belief they could take me or leave me, could care less. Is that true? I don't think it is, a small part of me believes that anyway. Maybe they are as intrigued by me as I am by them, maybe more. But I'm not used to that. I cannot recognize that which I've never seen. < Something about that statement seems false. I've seen it. So, why would I...? If I see them as invested, then I have to take into account their feelings, then I cannot be selfish anymore. Is that it? By telling myself they don't care what I do or say, I'm not worried about hurting thier feelings or letting them down; I can just do whatever it is I feel like doing... Not so much a statement, but a question I plan on pondering. A free flow of thoughts.
...I got sidetracked and it seems my muse has went to sleep, maybe I should too... to be continued, maybe.
Love & Light
Dottie
...I got sidetracked and it seems my muse has went to sleep, maybe I should too... to be continued, maybe.
Love & Light
Dottie
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