Stubborn

      I've spent the last couple weeks trying to prove Billie wrong. Surrender is coming over me, slowely, like the setting sun. I'm finding a reprieve within it, I've almost exhausted myself fighting what I know to be true at this point in my life. I'm not ready for a serious, committed relationship. If I were ready, and it really was what I wanted, I'd have it right now. It's available. Instead, I push him away, allows other closer but only so far, and yet chase one more. I still think it's all about me. I say that with a sigh, an acknowledgement of my own selfhishness without a willingness to let it go just yet. My lessons. Be patient with me. *I'm* not ready for this. What about them? As if they have no feelings. A belief they could take me or leave me, could care less. Is that true? I don't think it is, a small part of me believes that anyway. Maybe they are as intrigued by me as I am by them, maybe more. But I'm not used to that. I cannot recognize that which I've never seen. < Something about that statement seems false. I've seen it. So, why would I...? If I see them as invested, then I have to take into account their feelings, then I cannot be selfish anymore. Is that it? By telling myself they don't care what I do or say, I'm not worried about hurting thier feelings or letting them down; I can just do whatever it is I feel like doing... Not so much a statement, but a question I plan on pondering. A free flow of thoughts.

...I got sidetracked and it seems my muse has went to sleep, maybe I should too... to be continued, maybe.

Love & Light
Dottie