The Answer

"What do I really want in regards to relationships?"
"BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF."

    A question and statement I have pondered for at least 3 or 4 days now. The question comes from I really had no idea what I wanted, until today.  It all seemed foggy, like I could see a few things fairly well, but the rest was merely a guess based on what I DID know to be true. The statement is an oracle card that would come up in every spread I would pull within it saying, "It's okay to be honest with yourself." - Resonance. Instaneous, focus creating resonance. What was I not willing to admit to myself? I upon reflected moments, phrases, opinions, & conversations of the past week. "You're a cold hearted mother fucker. You don't want a man that cares. You're a player and need to find a dude that doesn't care that you're a player." Was I a player? I don't want to be a player, I just don't want to be tied down. Ask anyone who knows me, I'm not cold hearted. It didn't resonate, but there was some truth to that statement. It wasn't fair of me to keep talking to someone who wanted something way more than what I was willing to give. "Like you have any room to talk, just because you aren't fucking any of those guys doesn't mean you aren't fucking with their emotions." Sad face. Why does it seem that everyone is assuming I have a whole slew of men? I really don't. Just a few, I talk to randomly, two of which don't want to talk to me anymore because I'm "not ready to be tied down" & "in addition to other things, [my] lack of unreliable messaging is complicating matters" along with the "Don't get attached to me Dottie." < statements from three different men. I can respect that. Reflection. I'm not trying to hurt anyone else just because I want to have fun. And there it is, the realization I came to this morning. Actually, I didn't come to it, it came to me, unexpectedly. The moment that thought came into my mind, I stopped what I was doing and said, "There it is." The answer I had been searching for. What did I want? What DO I want to be more specific, because we are living in the present here. I elaborated. Everyone has their own definition of what "just wanting to have fun" means, and I needed to know what mine was, because since the clarity had finally come I was going look at it ALL.

    I want to have fun. I want to be able to call when I feel like it, or when I don't without getting an attitude, or me worrying about how this comment or phone call will be perceived. Call me whenever. I don't care. I like random calls and text messages. I want to be free to come and go as I please and not take this whole dating thing so serious. I love to flirt & talk shit... it's fun and exciting, but I only want to be sexually involved with one guy. I want to talk to whoever I feel like... and not take this whole dating thing so serious.

    I was just re-reading the last 3 blogs I wrote that I kept private. I love it when I look back and see all the pieces fit together. It's so tempting to post them, but seems they are just a BIT to personally and have other people's names in them. I think I'd feel a little weird if I read someones blog and MY name was in it... lol It's like you know people talk about you when you're not around, good/bad/indifferent... but it's always a little strange when someone says, "Hey! We were JUST talking about you the other day!" Our usual response is, "Good I hope." Of course it is! Otherwise they wouldn't be telling you they were talking about you ;).

Love & Light,
Dottie