Motives & Perceptions (Finally Published)

"What are you looking for?"

    A question that stopped me in my tracks as I was going going and forth between S & J's facebok page. Checking out their recent activity, their status', clicking the links to any females pages I thought they may be "talking to"... who was this L chic anyway? They were at the gym together on the 9th. They are in a picture together at what looks like a wedding are they dating? He has his arm around her. Let me check her out, hmmm do I think she's pretty? She looks old. And who's these two new women J is friends with now? Did he meet her on POF? Am I his favorite? When where these pictures taken? How often do they interact with this or that femle... let's check the "see friendship" link. Dammit, why do people have their pages so "private" ... lame. (Yet, mine is private.)

    What was I looking for? What am I looking for when I go through thier pages as if I'm on a scavanger hunt and the prize is oxygen? Validation. A go ahead. Something that leads me to believe that I am the only woman they are talking to or interested in. That I have no competition, because I'm extremely competitive, and I'm not used to loosing, and don't handle it well. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Wow. To take it a step further, could it be that I won't even fight for their attention because somewhere inside of me I feel like I"m going to loose anyway? A false belief that they will always choose the other woman. Because she's going to be better than me? In my head, the other woman is always prettier, less crazy, more adept at maintaining a relationship, and must know how to "date", she's probably had more practice than me. I easily allow other women to build or tear away at my self esteem. Wow, well here lies a newly revealed issue, I'm constantly comparing myself to other women.  I'm either better than you, or you're better than me. I've been told my ENTIRE life that actions speak louder than words, I don't even listen to people. I just watch them, caue that's where the truth is right? But my perception of their actions squew's the truth. Just as their own motives & perceptions shape what they say, my own motives & perceptions shape what I see, and how I see it. J interacts with very few woman on fb, yet he comments on tons of my stuff... status's, photos, etc.  He must like me more than any of the others right? Otherwise he wouldn't be all over my fb page, and then asking me about my pictures. I don't know that. Assumptions are dangerous.

    What am I looking for? I ask again because I want to know if there is more. Reasons to be jealous, bitchy, and chaotic? Because isn't that just part of it? You get a little jealous so you have something to talk about with your girlfriends? Something to obsess about because I get bored? A superficial reflection. An excuse to not go to the REAL issue, the deeper issue. Because I feel like I've went there so many times and come back empty handed. I KNOW, I'm missing something, so when I muster up enough energy or the pain is so overwhelming, I revist that place. That invisible place inside of me that pushes me to indulge in obssesive, chaotic, & self-sabotaging behaviors. I said earlier that I've always come back empty handed, that's not true. I've been there hundreds of times and have brought up & released tons of stale old energy that no longer serves me. But it's like it's all on various shelves, and I've still got a few rows of stuff to sift through on the shelf labeled "Romantic Relationships"  That makes me smile. It's funny. I like metaphors & I like being able to see something within my head, so I know where I'm at with it, and what's left to do. Funny thing is, why am I seeing it as a food pantry? With cans of food lining it? Twice yesterday, I sat to go within and within minutes I was "hungry" & reaching for food. I was clearly hearing guidance from my Spiritual teachers that I was about to eat my feelings. I wasn't not hungry. To put the food down, feel what I was feeling, and write it out. This would be an awesome blog to post, but I don't want either one of these fellas knowing to what extent I creeped their facebook page yesterday. I'm ashamed. It's that "But, I've been doing SOO GOOD!" feeling. Ego. Today is a different day. If yoga has taught me anything, it has taught me that everyday is different. Everyday my body is different, my mind is different, the setting is different (temp, people, placement of my mat within the room, the teacher, time, weather, etc) Today I may be able to hold that dragon pose for 10 breaths & smile, tomorrow I may come out of it in 3 breaths and PISSED. The point is...it's okay & always erfect, keep breathing. To give in to that which is. To see things as they are right now, now how I want them to be, wish them to be, or want to pretend they are... but exactly as they are, right now.

Love & Light
Dottie