Do the Work

"It's 3 a.m. again, like it always seems to be."

Although it's not. It's actually 6:30 a.m. and I am inspired to write and go to the gym, after my tea of course. But the above is a song lyric from gentlemen born in South Africa with a folksy, earthy taste to his fingers and tongue. I like him. Sometimes there are more important things than working out. like yoga, or drinking tea or laughing with a child. Okay fine, that one was just added in there to fluff it up, I 've been playing around with my descriptions and style, and well... there was new flavor. I practiced the best yoga flow I have practiced in over two years yesterday. I breathed into spaces in my side body and hips I forgot were there. Those spaces where the air turns cold as it swirls around and I cannot dismiss that fact. I was more centered, I was more peaceful, I was strong in my core. So much I even went into un-assisted shoulder stand! If you don't know what it is, google it. For someone (me) who has avoided ab/core work as long as I can remember, my ability to do this yesterday seemed only a direct result of the work I had been putting into that area over the past year. It feel good, beyond good. The almost unnoticeable trembling muscles in my core made me smile a deep and satiating smile. So like I said, I'm sure my attitude had something to do with the greatness and depth that came along with my practice yesterday. Progress. A different space. We opened hips, we strengthened the shoulder girdle, the core and the quads. We did new poses and of course, Shavasana. It's the easiest and everyone's favorite, you "lie on your back, in stillness, and reap all of the benefits of your practice today." Most people fall asleep, who doesn't love Shavasana?

So today, yoga didn't make me angry. I didn't shake my head no and refuse to do a pose like a small child, sitting on my mat on my feet, glaring off into space. Today, I embraced my practice and that moment fully. Seems I have spent many days on my mat lately allowing anger to move through me, I am grateful for those days because they allowed me to have this day. Do the work.

Oh and my favorite part? She ended our practice by telling us to walk with Grace & Gratitude...

Passions

I am passionate and mesmerized by the human condition. Energized and inspired by the individual growth and overcoming of hardships. Truth; brutal and raw truth. The kind that you couldn't imagine uttering to another human being. The kind of thoughts and feelings that seem to bubble up from a space you didn't know existed and leave you shocked when the words find their way to your mouth rolling through the space between you and another person. The explainable. Experiences. Conversations that inspire deep thought and transformation. Art. Art is passion within itself, a bare-naked soul manifested in whichever way the artist chooses to express it. I am passionate about art. Practice; because we never get anywhere or finish anything on the first try. Quiet moments with the soul and psyche. I am fascinated by the connection we share with each other, nature, and the Divine. I am passionate about being true to yourself. Honoring your truth while being kind and tolerant. And not only allowing but encouraging others to do the same. Fairness. I am passionate about being heard, about being fair, about seeing all sides of a situation. About working hard and taking yourself far beyond your perceived limitations. Reaching out and being open. Feeling fear and moving through it. I am passionate about breathing and surrender, because stillness brings a sacredness that movement cannot. I am passionate about balance.

What are you passionate about? Where is it that you serve? What is it your soul hungers for?

With Grace & Gratitude...

When Yoga Makes You Angry

"I will not give up... I will stay in this fire...until I am free."

      Yoga isn't always about pretty music, thin bodies, and feelings of peace and euphoria. You don't always flow through each pose with grace and go deeper into a sea of bliss with each movement. Sometimes yoga makes you angry. Angry to the point you want to kick your yoga block, tell the teacher to go fuck herself and leave. Leave your mat where it lay, you can buy another, you've got to GO. Sometimes it's a slow and gradual resistance, other times you're fine until in their softest, most zen voice they utter the one pose that you...just... hate. The pose that requires you to muster every ounce of maturity you have to even attempt it, to even look like you're attempting it.  This happens because there is anger to be felt and anger to be released. It's hiding somewhere within your system unbeknownst to you but becomes a little more apparent with each breath, each subtle movement, and each moment of stillness.

       The yoga studio I frequent has a photo-copied 8x10 paper of a plain black bird in flight with a pale yellow background. There are three of them actually and below each bird is a few words of the sentence. "I will not give up...I will stay in this fire...until I am free." And that's exactly what it is... a fire. A angry burning sensation that seems to come from nowhere, as if your forward fold or dragon pose busted something loose. A fire that erupts from places that seem to have no foundation, no bedrock. No point of reference. Until I am free. Our initial reaction is ALWAYS to retreat, to withdraw quickly and with seemingly good reason. It cannot be good for us if it feels so unpleasant. The mind begins to chatter and race. But this is where you stay. Breathe and watch the mind. What is it showing you? Who is it showing you? What words are you hearing? Are you remembering something someone told you 5 years ago? Are you being taken back to that fight with your significant other from a few days ago? What do you FEEL? Other than the fire, other than the acute desire to flee? Pay attention and breathe. This is the key. Watch it like a movie, stay with it until you are free. Because you are halfway there and if you leave now you leave with the anger only halfway through it's conquest to be released. You leave that anger in your heart, in your mind, in your way... again. Leaving now you leave that anger open to stir up its mate in someone else. So stay with it. Stay with it as it burns itself up in the fire in which it was created; stay with it until you are free.

With Grace & Gratitude

Hello, Root Chakra

I've spent much of my focus on my root chakra lately. Focusing on allowing old pockets of pain to move out, to experience them from an observer's position and let them flow through me. Some ideas from a book which aren't new just said in a different way that has really made sense for me . Although I was kind of surprised to realize that I have spent much of my time focusing on healing my sacral chakra, and not so much my root, when I'm really beginning to complete the idea that maybe everything perceived/felt/'processed from the physical world must first filter through the root chakra. If that's true, it is extremely important to keep that clear. Not just grounded but clear. Because the energy that flows through that could easily bring up gun with it into our other chakras. This is where our survival instincts are, where our addictions lie and where we feel connected to mother earth. In working on my root chakra so much lately I will say I have begun to feel like I have come to myself again in some regard. Even if I clear the sacral chakra but have avoided the root, reminents from there can flow and get stuck in my sacral, the center of emotions and connections to others. Our root is our connection to self, sacral our connection to others. The old adage, "You have to take care of yourself before you take care of others" applies here.

The driving thought/force behind this particular blog was that with all the work I've been doing lately, I'll say over the last 3 weeks or so specifically focused on the root, last couple months on the core area.... I can feel the emotions releasing. My thought was what have I gotten myself into? My anxiety is high, very high. It seems I am constantly noticing disruptions surfacing and consciously letting them go. I must take 5 really deep breaths a minute, visualizing it running through all chakras and cleansing away what is working its way out. It gets irritating. I'm irritable, and my mood is shifting rapidly sparked my something minor.  But I keep doing it. I keep bringing myself outside my comfort zone, moving through the fear. My goal, my job during this time, is to remain seated and grounded in an observer's point of view. Micheal, insert his last name here, says it's just a feeling, it's just something in the universe as a bruise on our body, or a car driving down the street. There is no reason to run from it, to allow it to consume you. It's great work. By far one of the best books I've ever read/listened too (I have it on audiobook.) It's teachings are in perfect time. But it is intense at times, this is why I'm writing this now, sitting next to my window in my favorite room, in my almost favorite chair (it's growing on me) sipping my yogi tea.... because allowing old stuff to surface without consciously and controllingly needing to observe each one and pick it apart can be intense. You've given yourself permission to heal, You've chosen freedom over holding onto something that causes you pain or disruption, grabbing each one as it goes by your psyche on its way out is only slowing the process. I just have to let it come and go. Just breathe, keep breathing.. Spend time alone and be conscious enough to understand that what your feeling right now is very likely NOT related to something happening right now. It's something moving through you from an earlier experience which we chose not to deal with then. It's intense. But I no longer wish to be afraid of the world, I no longer wish to spend valuable energy trying to control and micromanage my life so that I can remain okay. Or other people for that matter. So I continue. I continue allowing myself to open. My focus is to keep myself clear so that experiences can pass through me and I can live my life and love the people in it without throwing my shit onto them.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Because It Feels So Fucking Good

Sometimes I practice yoga naked.

I mean butt naked. I turn off the lights, light my candles and breathe. I immerse myself bare in yoga music flowing through a series of yoga poses I only choose within the moment. No attachment to routine or outcome or doing it "right"; I just allow my body and breath to lead. This is the ultimate getting-in-touch-with-my-body time. A unique liberation happens here. As if you are naked before God, vulnerable naked. All of you is exposed. Your heart, your mind, your body. How freeing to not feel the confines of cotton, although delicate laid, still limiting.  I am left only to feel the lines of energy flowing along their meridians within the invisible layers of who I am. It is only breath and intuition. A free reign they don't get very often. To see with your eyes your body exactly as it is and love it for being so. My body has the markings of a life spent releasing and growing. A beautiful horizon only available within a sacred space such as this.

Become one with your practice, your eightfold path.


With Grace & Gratitude...

Currently Untitled

It was hypnagogic to say the least, watching her blood pressure fall with each automatic inflation and calculation.  Starring through dried contact lenses at familiar numbers. My background allowed me an understanding which most daughters may not have had the luxury,  She was septic. I knew it before I called 911. I knew it the moment her temperature rang 102.8 as she shook under five blankets obsessed with how chilled her internal organs felt. I also knew what we were concerned about although no one had said it yet. Shock. A multi-organ system failure. The blood pressure drops, the heart rate increases and a loss of consciousness marks a time to stop fucking around. As I spat out the communal concern, some surprise feel across their faces. It was okay. They seemed to breath a little easier; a pressure was released. I understood. The nurse in me stepped forward moving lines, checking numbers, suggesting interventions, and explaining to her what was going on and why she needed to stay under an ice blanket. It was quiet and about twelve hours into our emergency room adventure when the daughter in me gently reminded the whole of factual possibilities. The unthinkable could happen here, it happens all the time. People go in for routine procedures and don't come back out. Like a bad Grey's Anatomy episode, "But she only had the hiccups." It was a surreal moment. What stands out the most is how I stood up, and I breathed. There were no dramatics. There were no pity parties or reaching out to somehow alter this experience making it more acceptable, easier. I was present, I was calm. I did pace though. Movement helps me think, it keeps me grounded. I paced five steps this way, four steps that way. I stood on a crag I had escorted so many others down. I stood sober and exposed as I realized that one day, my mother would also join the many who had passed on from this life to the next. That one day, her heart would cease to beat and her chest would cease to rise. Knowing you will one day loose your mother and watching what appears to be a generated preview offer two very different perspectives. I wondered what that moment would be like; I wondered if this was that moment. It was here the tears found their way into my experience.

With Grace & Gratitude...

For the Love of Passion

Yoga sounds good right now. Sunday. There is a basic yoga class on Sunday. I'm at Biggby. As much as I love my office space, it's a nice change sometimes. I am without direction at the moment. Few "topics" I'd like to write about, but nothing really tugging at my muse. It's just nice to be here, writing. I admitted my first piece of writing last night to an online distributor of various collections on social media, Thought Catalog. I wrestled with it for a while, which piece would be best? What should the title be? Should I have a pen name? etc. Finally, I let it go. I took a step. I submitted it. It's my most recent piece, based on my feelings surrounding my family dynamics and how I exist within them. I had that brief thought of, what if this hurts someone's feelings? What if my mother? My Aunt? My cousin sees this? But is it a true expression of how I felt? Yes. There will be times in my writing career when people will be discriminatory, critical, and take things personally. Do I allow that to deter me from sharing my passions? No. I was asked the question yesterday in a book what my deepest dreams were. What do I want to do with my writings? She said many of us writers don't know. Me? I want to write books. I want to write articles. I want to write books that open people's minds and hearts. Books that inspire people to grow, be kind, and gracious. A sharing of experiences and thoughts that expand someone's consciousness. That is the mark I wish to leave on the world. To bring about more connection, more reflection, more healing, more joy, and more peace.

I'm definitely feeling more  decisive lately. Stronger emotionally and energetically but softer overall. A gentleman told me a few days ago that I was very kind, and to continue being myself. What a beautiful compliment. One of the best I've ever received. Giving much thought to the qualities I admire, to embody them myself, and help cultivate them in others. To surround myself with people who exude these same qualities and amplify other positive attributes. Patience. How grateful I am for learning that practice.

"Become one with your practice, your eight-fold path. Embrace it as though it were the lover you had waited for your entire life. Run with it, swim with it, sink with it, soar with it. Sail and sail hard..." - Geri Larkin

To Fran, To Regis. To Grandpa Dick. Your presences have not gone unnoticed these last few days. Thank you.

Letting It All Go

It's much more difficult to push someone out of your life because of who they are, than what they've done.

It's as if you don't really have a reason. It's more personal. There is no anger. It's just truth. It's a slow and painful realization that they are not healthy for you. And out of love for yourself, you choose to walk away, pull away, or create a wall between you and them. And that's okay. We stick with people out of love for them. But what about love of ourselves? It is not selfish. I would be in the same fucking place I was 10 years ago or worse had I not chosen to be "selfish" and love myself.

I respect people. I support who they are and the choices they make. I honor boundaries and wishes. Because I desire the same. I expect the same. And if someone cannot do that for me, I choose to not have them in my life. Good intentions mean so little compared to action. I do not pay for people's poor choices. I do not enable unhealthy behaviors. Being of blood relation DOES NOT give you a free pass to hurt me or inhibit my growth in a positive direction.

I surround myself with people who respect others. Who focus to raise them up, empower them, support them. To give them the freedom to become who they are, to allow them follow their own path. I choose to surround myself with people who strive to become better, who ask themselves the hard questions. People who overcome adversities. Who invite humility and grace. Who accept help as only a temporary tool to get themselves to a greater goal. THESE are the people I want in my life. These are the characteristics I have embodied, and put forth in the world to help empower all people, Not just friends, family, or people I know. But everyone.

I believe helping and empowering people are two different things. And there is beauty in allowing someone to hit rock bottom. Sometimes it is there where their answer lies. Sometimes it is at the bottom, in their created darkness they become willing to see things differently. It often allows them to see their own strength, to find their fight, their humility, their connection to something greater. It is ALWAYS our choice to remain where we are or move forward. I believe in allowing people take themselves to this place.. But also believe in not letting them take me there, too.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Transformation Continues...

It is one of the most quiet and still nights I've seen in a very long time. Aside from my occasional sniffle that started this morning, the day before I board a plane for Salem, MA. I've been having trouble sleeping the last 3 nights at least.  Struggling to feel tired. A part of me wants to go sit in the living room and blog, but this room, "my office", is by far my most favorite place in this house. There is something incredible about these old hardwood floors under my feet and open space behind me, still small enough to feel intimate and safe.

Let it all go.

There's my quote. The divine message that has been coming to and fro within my consciousness. My usual beginning. Let it ALL go. That's more what it sounds like when in resonates within my psyche. The anger. I'm letting go of the anger I've held associated with a certain of my relationship. I'm letting go of the anger I've held associated with my present physical body weight, shifting my focus. There is healing happening. I can feel it. Something inside of me whispering to be patient, be quiet. Be still and be brave. Just breathe. Move through it, steadily, gracefully. Keep moving. Breathing into those spaces I have long ignored. Asking only for clarity and next right action. A surrender I have yet to feel until now. Letting it all go. What does that feel like? A long awaited permissive allowing. Control your anger; restrain your impulses; keep your faith firm. This still applies. So very, very quiet.

With Grace & Gratitude...

For the Love of Birthday Cake

"I want to start a non-profit organization that takes cake to the homeless on their birthdays." And that was how this started.

I love cake. And not any cake, but birthday cake, on or within a day or so of my birthday. I'm a pretty calorie conscious, health conscious individual, but have no shame on my birthday week. There is something glorious about it. Playful, innocently joyful. It's colorful, and sweet. And you get to mix it with ice cream. It's your special day, and should be all about you. And I usually make sure mine is, not in a narcissistic, fuck everybody else kind of why, but a shoulder shrugging grin, yes, it's my birthday kind of way, you're welcome.

There were a few birthdays when money was tight, I was getting older, and decided I was okay if I never got another birthday present. I didn't want anyone to feel bad or not come and join the fun because they didn't have money for a gift. As long as there was cake, ice cream, and the people I loved I was a happy camper.

My birthday is actually tomorrow. But I already have two cakes. I homemade confetti with vanilla frosting, lots of sprinkles, and blue writing. A second Kroger cake, whipped frosting, chocolate, and a flower. That one had red writing I think, just incase you were wondering. Both fantastic. I'll be 29. As I sat gleefully, eating my fourth piece of the day and virtually nothing else, I thought of why this was my favorite part of my birthday. Well, you get a whole cake! With your name on it! Whatever kind you like, however you like it! Usually. Unless you don't. Unless you have no one to celebrate it with, unless you have no money to buy a cake, or unless you have no where to enjoy it. "Homeless" was a broad term I used this evening as I thought of how everyone should feel special on their birthday. Everyone should delight in their favorite sweet treat with their name on it, with at least one person who loves them. There was a seriousness in my heart when I wondered how I could do that.

I'm convinced birthday cake on our special day does something for the soul. Somehow it feeds our inner child and strengthens our Light.  God knows the world needs more Light; how can I bring it more cake?

With Grace & Gratitude...

Ramblings of a Sunday Afternoon

What is it that I want to do with my life? I'm almost 30. I am secure financially. I'm secure romantically and emotionally. I have a good support system. What mark is it that I want to leave on the world? What are my hearts deepest desires? What are my gifts? And how can I express them? I'm almost 30. A surreal understanding. It is entirely up to me how I handle my experiences and how I interact with the world and people in it. I am no child. I am dependent on no one to be in this world. *I* am truly my only obstacle. I am not starting over on anything, I am not getting sober, I am no longer waiting on nursing school to be finished, or waiting to get settled in my new job. I am in my life. Fully and able bodied. Both feet on the ground, totally submerged and living this life. So how do wish to be in this world? How can I make the most of each day? These are the questions I've begun asking myself. This is were I'm at.

It is empowering. This place. Not sure I've been here before, but God am I grateful for it. Still asking, What is required of me right now?

With Grace & Gratitude...

Write

I am always writing.

I write in my head all day long. About experiences, feelings. thoughts, perceptions, opinions... I mean the words literally start in my head as if I were typing wishing I had a computer in front of me.   I am a writer. I have been a writer since as long as I can remember. Sixth grade I broke down sentence diagrams with delight and perfection. Straight lines, commas, preposition or noun? I loved it. I've always been a poor speller, but that doesn't seem to be path altering obstacle, thank God for spell check, and auto correct (unless its on my iPhone).

There's magic in it. A doorway that leads to un-touched and hidden parts of ourselves. Art. Like any other creative masterpiece, a physical expression of intangible beginnings. It has been my sanity. It has been my savior. It has been my release and my hearts greatest joy as long as I can remember. I have journals from when I was twelve in my basement right now, literally only feet below the chair I sit in here, in this moment. A child's world scratched upon what is now tattered paper, so long ago yet so close to where I am now.

Pure poetry, even when it doesn't rhyme.


With Grace & Gratitude...

Precipice

"A dance in timeless fashion pieces, O ye who makes us wise..."

I have been here before. A familiar precipice. Where stillness and quiet seem to be the moving force behind your fall. Or you can leap. Backward down the mountain seems not to be an option. The Runes call this a place of "non-action". I like to add "non-thought" because here, thoughts are vague and seem automatically translated by the mind as feeling and emotion. The alphabetical jargon holds no composition here.

It was about 3 years ago. I had managed to end my relationship whether consciously or unconsciously I found myself walking away, but talking about staying. It was winter when I finally arrived at where that walk was taking me. I remember being in Tennessee in a bedroom I had spent some years in before, with yellow walls and a bed barely long enough for my almost 6 foot body. Enough space to breath, to yoga, to listen to Mumford & Sons and what something deeper than my heart was saying. I was done fighting what was and had "come to myself in some regard."  I italicize the phrase because it comes from a Rune explanation, when I'd ask then "what now?"... I was told it was about a meeting of the Self and as an end of a means, a coming too. To be patient and wait for signs of spring. All of this immediately preceded my embarkation of life with another. A beginning of something I never thought I was capable.

I reflect back on that because it was one of the most empowering times of my life. Obviously one of the more life changing experiences one can have. I truly HAD come to myself in some regard. I stood in my power, knowing my self-worth, tapped into the well of joy un-given by earthly recognition or gains. The place I felt I had been coming to for years, and I had finally arrived. That's how I feel now. Here in the quiet of my office space of the house with the woman who came that spring. Lined with my favorite photography and art on cinnamon stick colored walls. Wood floors beneath my feet that laid hidden under ugly carpet for over two decades... I receive similar messaged from the Universe. An index card written in my own handwriting I ask, "What is required of me here and now??" That's a good question. It's a faith question. It's a humble question. A question of service. And has an answer that can only be found within the Self.

With Grace & Gratitude...

I will not give up... I will stay in this fire... until I am free...

"I will not give up...I will stay in this fire... until I am free.."

Stagnation. For the first time in years, maybe even my life I feel I don't have a personal goal. A personal goal which is working with and towards my life purpose. What am I doing with my life? What are my next steps? When all the projects and material life changes have settled, what then? It was school for a very long time, then it was getting sober, then it was loosing weight. Then it was building a relationship and life with someone and all I've thought about for two days is how I can start over. How I can change everything. Leave my partner, sell my house, and go about life all whimsical like. My struggle is which path am I suppose to take. Maybe that's always the struggle. Am I suppose to be here? With Angie, in SJ, with our home and our furry children, or am I suppose to be somewhere else, doing my own thing. I wondered today if marriage limits us, and if it was truly something I wanted. I watch Angie pursuing her path, her dreams, and wonder if I've put mine second to hers, and that scares me. Loosing myself, has always been one of my greatest fears. Maybe because it took me so long to find myself, fear of loosing that seems legitimate. Relationships take work and energy and I sometimes wonder if that energy might be better used somewhere else like myself. How selfish is that? My dreams, my goals, my purpose. But is anyone truly meant to be in this world alone? Are there people who truly thrive as single adults or is that some kind of defense mechanism. After all, there are some things you can only learn within a relationship. And if we are single, aren't we almost always searching for someone? or "that" someone. As if there is a deep philological and psychological, almost primitive drive that sends us towards someone else. And how do we know if it is healthy? How do you know when it's time to leave? or time to work harder? If I doubt this much, shouldn't that in itself tell me something? Tell me that this is not where I belong and it was time to go long before this moment? Or is my desire to leave, to change, an ego fear further distracting me from my soul's purpose? Is this the dark before the dawn? The "don't quit before the miracle happens". Is it perception. Is it healing? What is required of me here and now? Maybe that is the real question. Taking the steps and not having to know exactly where I'm going. Just listening and acting as I feel guided.

Warrior- Evaluate my motives. Is it self conquest or dominating another? Am I lusting after outcomes or the task for it's own sake? Consult the self

Growth- The very next rune. Disperse resistance. Consider issue with care and awareness. Will must be clear and controlled. Any dark corners cleared, even if professional help is used. Modesty, patience, fairness, and genrosity are called for. Through steadfastness and right attitude blossoming can occur.

My relationship with Angie- Gateway reversed
Mine and Angie's relationship- Initiation

My mother- opening reversed.

Self-worth & Self-discipline

Is self-worth intrinsically connected to self-discipline. Does our level of self-worth directly affect our level of self-discipline. Can you have one without the other? Is healing one automatically heal the other?

These are the questions I've been asking myself since I read a paragraph stating that self-worth and self-confidence are actually two different things. A concept I had not considered. We can look in the mirror and believe we are beautiful, we can look in the mirror and believe we are intelligent and good and kind. But some of us may feel on a deep and sometimes unconscious level feel that we are undeserving of the good these things bring. Hence self-sabotage

So what now? Where does the healing begin? Is there even a level of logically and conscious understanding that yes, you absolutely do deserve the good things in your life, but on a deeper level feel unworthy. Where does that come from? I am not talking about the over-inflated sense of "the world owes me something" self, I am speaking of those who give effort, those who want something more out of life and find themselves repeating the same pattern or in similar situations which seem out of their control both being obstacles preventing them from achieving their goals, despite their best efforts. And even then, these obstacles are simply a manifestation of an inner, less palpable, less comfortable obstacle. One that often induces fear, that requires some courage, and a consistent application of effort and patience as we learn to change. As we learn to re-route our thoughts, our patterns, and our habits. To believe that anything in your life is anything less than a manifestation of your inner workings, is naïve at best.

If you have fumbled with self-discipline, then play with self-worth. Maybe cultivating that, will allow a natural growth of that which opens the door to achieving your goals.

With Grace & Gratitude...

A Continuation of Transformation

I continue to recite & remind myself... control your anger, restrain your impulses, & keep your faith firm.  That sentiment seems to cover the things which have been causing me the most suffering. I can see a difference in my life. Like the way Angie responds to me and operates within our relationship. She's more at ease. I am sleeping better, and my anxiety is lower.

Keep your faith firm.
I was asked twice by patients families in the last 2 days if I were a Christian. I felt pressured to verbalize my beliefs and explain my concept of God as I understand It which I often stumble and stammer over.  I look to connect others through the conversations of religion, spirituality, and God. Maybe if we focus on our commonalities instead of our differences we could cultivate more peace instead of anger and war.  The question being asked within the context of my job and my relationship with a dying person's family only enhanced my desire to connect instead of separate, while remaining true to myself.

The conversation went well. I told her that no I did not identify as a Christian, I believe there is truth in all religions, and I support whatever helps you to be a better person and bring good into the world.
In hindsight I guess could have just said I support religious freedom? Eh, that's more like half of it. Because it isn't just about religion, it's about spirituality. I support love, and all belief systems including that. After a few moments I shared with her that I personally do believe in God, I do pray, and I do believe there is life after this one. I offered her another nurse who she mentioned shared her belief system to come the rest of the weekend. She declined but later accepted my offer and that was perfectly fine with me. I did not take it personal, I wasn't angry. I arranged for spiritual care and made a request for the other nurse. The patient himself seems to be struggling with his belief system at this juncture in his life; the crossroads of life & death. And the family is seeking support in theirs. My job as a Hospice nurse & child of God  is to do what I can to create a peaceful transition, and if there is someone who can be of more assistance in this situation, it becomes my job to get them.

So in keeping my faith firm, I have been forced to verbalize and clarify my beliefs. To sit with them and review them. To go within my heart and see what feels right, and how I connect with God. Of course after being the very next day the exact same question, it became apparent that God want me to ponder some things, and I did. I realized it has been a VERY long time since I felt that overwhelming presence of God.  I miss that feeling. I found it most often in working with people who were suffering, who were struggling. People who were sitting at their bottom desperate for release and surrender was there only option. I felt God most often there, working miracles in their lives. Our lives. I was not excluded from this experience. It has been in the dark moments of my life I have felt God the strongest. The most fearful, but the most liberating. So now what? Now that my life has come into the Light, and the freedom and Love I have worked so hard for is here. Give thanks. Give back. Make a point to still connect with God through prayer & conversations.

I find it all so fascinating, the beliefs people have. I don't think any two of us share exactly the same set of beliefs, but we can find commonalities. We can seek to create harmony and inclusion instead of separateness. We've been fighting wars for years over who's right and who's wrong. Maybe it's time we took a different approach. Let's practice Love. They say that's what God is anyway. Maybe it really is that simple.

With Grace & Gratitude....

Transformation

Constraint.

I have been antsy for the last several hours. I asked the question last night why was I overweight. My answer was this: What part of you is being disowned? Control your anger, restrain your impulses, keep your faith firm.  Start with that which is the hardest and work towards that which is easiest. 

I read those words and I am immediately quieted, my thoughts, my surroundings; it all falls quiet. I sit in the stillness I have avoided for the last several hours. What is the hardest part? What is being disowned? There is a sense of togetherness that arises. A sense of interdependence. Family. My roots. Is that what is being disowned? My past. My history. The impact others have had on the person I am today. The importance of such people. The grace and the gratitude for love shared and love lost.

My emotional self comes to mind when I ask myself what part of me is being disowned. Then my attention is brought to the areas on my physical body where I carry the most weight. My waist, just below my waist, but not my hips. As if the bottom two chakra energies are literally pouring over and out because I refuse to let them come up, as if the sensations alone would be to much. Would I be able to handle them? Control your anger. Restrain your impulses. Keep your faith firm.

I asked myself today what did I believe in. What do I really believe in? I do believe everything happens for a reason. There is a Divine orchestration that does require my active attention and participation to bring about its best performance. Free will.

The hardest part is being part of something bigger. Being open and interdependent.

Power

I believe in the power of Love. I know, that may sound corny. Wishy-washy, or a little too new-agey for most, but I do. In my deepest parts of who I am I believe the world would be a better place if we all practiced a little more patience, a little more acceptance, grace, and experienced a little more humility. I am no where near perfect. These are things I work on regularly. I can just as easily get caught up in blame, anger, and impatience as the next person. But that is were my quiet time comes into play. That time when it's just me and God, and whatever tools I use to connect there. Tools can be anything. It can be a book, a bible, oracle cards, paper & pen, a friend, a breath. I believe that life is much simpler than we make it practicality has it's place. The destination is already here and we are always our biggest obstacle. I wrote a blog last night and the first sentence was "My biggest battle has always been with myself." It's a scary thing, to love in the midst of chaos, to be calm in the midst of fear. But those are the things that remain when the chaos fades and the fear subsides, it always comes back to that. To quiet, to stillness, to peace. We too will come back to that, as a people, we are coming back to that. Our world is a collective manifestation of every individual's thoughts, fears, dreams, and so on. Ask yourself what you would like to see more in the world and do THAT. Bring more of that into the world.

With Grace & Gratitude...

To Serve

A slow return to the lands of self-exploration. Of pulling yourself back together. The counter balance of falling together too much. This has always been my strength, my ability and willingness to go within. To seek a Higher Power, to seek a better solution, to work towards that. and to write it all out. Letting go & giving up, those things I struggle with. Although they too almost always have a place, and without them there would be no room for growth.

Some say relationships are mirrors. I'd agree. I'd also say they are magnifying glasses. They magnify any parts of ourselves, we have yet to heal. Somewhere along the journey of allowing myself to settle in to a long-term committed relationship, I lost my voice. I lost my muse. I lost fire for reaching deep within my soul & psyche and throwing it onto paper and laying it bare for the eyes of people, sometimes strangers, to see. Always, my belief system has been that we relate based on the intimate details we share about ourselves. We bond with other human beings when we find things in common, when we realize we have all walked a similar path at one time or another, and we have often fought a familiar fight. There is something beautiful in synchronicity, and if one person benefits from something I've written, then I have served.

We all serve differently. We all serve in different ways to different groups, deity's, goals, beliefs, ideals. I can serve the poor, while you serve the animals. She can serve our country, while he can serve fries. We serve something; and ultimately, I believe when serve the same thing.  I serve through my writing. Through being unconventionally open about my past, my thoughts, and feelings. My struggles and my triumphs. I serve through sharing my beliefs & experiences while being open to yours. I am not full of self-pity nor full of myself. My story is no better or worse than yours. But being here, does something for my soul. These stories, the stories we share about our lives, help the wisdom to be a little more tangible & the grace a little more gentle more attainable.

With Grace & Gratitude....

Standards

There is something to be said about the company you keep. About the type of people you surround yourself with.

When I made the decision to be a healthier human being I found myself in the middle of a gym whose standards where high. Whose expectations where high. Whose ego was just big enough to not be afraid to risk hurting your feelings in the name of facts. I want to say that I was raised, my post weight loss self was raised amongst people whose love of the work bordered on psychotic, or leveled it out in some way. That was the company I kept. Two years later, I find it much easier to quit. I find myself surround by people who will let me whine my way out of the work, who let me change the game. Then I'm hit with surprise and disappointment. As if I was testing them to see if I could trust them to go with me to the places I wanted to go. To see if they knew me well enough to know that quitting was the last thing I really wanted to do. It has become more acceptable to myself to not push myself as hard. I find myself less motivated and driven, a little less passionate and a little more melancholy. Tracy has told me more than once, that I need to decide what I want. That isn't so much the problem The problem is that what I want isn't as easily accessible here. I know what I want. Just under 100 miles away from where I was. So I settle. I do enjoy power-lifting, so I do that, but I know I need more cardio. I miss the station, but I feel ashamed at the standards I've allowed myself to accept. Settling. Less cardio. More repetition. Imagining myself as the person in that Gold's gym who came and did the same routines every week.* I'm ashamed that I am that person, Monday chest & bi's, Tuesday legs, Thursday back & tri's, the person that we as a community at the station were not. It seems so petty sometimes. But is it?! To me it's a representation of the person I strive to be everyday. To me it's not petty, it's important. I wonder if it served it's purpose and now time to let it go, but I can't seem to do that. Nothing I've had since then has lived up to the standards I created while I was there. The standards I was compared too by those I surrounded myself with. No one has given me what I want, and I can't seem to cultivate it on my own. Instead of pushing myself, I've lowered my standards. The last time I went there, to the station, I was within 5 miles and decided I couldn't make it. I didn't deserve to be there. I was an emotional mess and instead of going in there and exposing that part of me as I once did, I went home. Wanting so much just to have back that routine of yoga, cardio, & Burkey.

The question then is this... is the challenge here letting go and embracing something new? or creating what I had there, here, and is that even possible?

OR I could go down once a week. Bite the bullet, pay the gas, take the time, and get it done? There's an option I haven't given much thought too

**http://station515.blogspot.com/p/who-we-are.html

With Grace & Gratitude...

Coming Together

There are those moments when it all starts coming together. When the links become apparent, and the lessons more intense. When it seems like every time you turn around its another opportunity from the universe to step forward or remain where you are. By this point, it's tiring. My stomach hurts. Briefly, I want to cry. I want to hang my head and say I can't take on anymore. But then something reminds me I asked for this. I ask for help from the universe to learn to create stronger boundaries, to voice myself. I asked for help with my fears with money, with my feelings of never having enough. I asked for help with my compulsive overeating, and my relationship with my mother. And all I've gotten for the past week are huge validations on how they are all connected. The smoke is clearing. How my feelings of not having enough may have been taken on from my mother & created by her years ago, which manifests physically through my making good money but running out before next payday. I overeat in subconscious attempts to nurture myself, to fuel myself because my "love tank" is full. You know when something holds some truth for you? When you can't stop thinking about it. When the phrases bounces around in your head, refusing to go anywhere until you take it in your hands and sit with it for a moment, a few moments. Long enough to understand it. Wait... That's interesting, I just typed "love tank is full" when what I meant to say was empty, I meant to say my over-eating and money habits could suggest that I may feel my "love tank" is empty. A Freudian slip maybe. Let somebody love you. That has also been bouncing around in my head. Insinuating that  I have difficulty allowing someone to love me. That I struggle accepting the kind of love that wants nothing from you. I feel confused and tired. A bit fatigued. Like the last 1/3 of a workout or race when you are past the utter exhaustion phase, you're in the euphoric phase. Where the endorphins have kicked in to get you passed the finish line. Where you are too close to give up. Where the drive to finish is significantly more than the desire to quit, only it doesn't feel like desire it all. You're just ready to get it done. You've surrendered any fight because you know whining and complaining isn't going to get you there any faster. You just take a breath, keep your eyes forward and let your body take you where your soul needs to go. I'll take that.

With Grace & Gratitude...

And the Journey Continues

I have been angry for days. Which might have peaked last night when the dog woke us up only 3 hours after being in bed to go outside. I let him out JUST BEFORE BED, to prevent this kind of situation. I can't even say I wasn't in the mood to deal with him, because I never am. After attempting to ignore his pawing at the side of the bed and whining, I yelled "fucking goddamn dog!" as I crawled out of bed swearing if he ran off again this time I was locking him out all night. Anger. I know it all to well.

I will be the first to tell you, I don't handle anger well, and after reading through old blogs ABOUT anger for the last 30min from over the last 4 years, the general consensus seems to be that I'm afraid of my anger, of what I will do when I'm angry... to myself or others. I have, somewhere along the lines, deemed anger unacceptable which adds even more resistance when it arises within me. I've re-read how working out with Burkey and working with Billie & Jack have done wonders with how I manage my anger. But they aren't here in anymore, not in Lansing anyway, not an active part of my life's journey at this moment. So I'm here with even more fear of what do I do with it now?

I did the only thing I knew how to do last night, short of punching walls and kicking the dog. It's funny how its usually the last thing, but always the right thing, and the most effective thing. I prayed. I wanted to beat the dog. I wanted to kick him every time I looked down at him. Something had to be done. Because he didn't deserve that. I've at least cultivated enough awareness over the years to know it wasn't about the dog. So I prayed. I crawled in bed and recited the Lord's prayer, because really that's the only prayer I know. And I feel asleep before I finished the third recital of it.

And yet, I woke up still angry. I'm angry now. So I meditated and did some healing work. I think I most angry at myself. I've allowed myself to fall back into old eating habits. I've let go of things I really wanted to keep in my life. My lack of decent boundaries has allowed me to loose myself within my relationship. Which I think has always been my fear with relationships. And why up until this point I have avoided committed relationships and partners who wanted them. It's humbling. It's shameful. I've always ducked & ran. I've always chose to leave instead of facing my boundary issues. I can be fiercely independent outside of the relationship, know exactly what I want, & what I need to do to take care of myself and have no problem doing it. But you throw me into a partnership where I have to also take into consideration my partners needs & wants and allow someone else to nurture and take care of me at times??? I'm at a fucking loss. I'm like a dear in headlights. I get so anxious about meeting them, I neglect my own! It's probably due to the fact I've spent most of my life in survival mode. So now, I go into learning mode. I shut my mouth and stop voicing myself. Simply being in it is stressful unto itself for me most days because its uncharted waters, God forbid I rock the boat anymore, I'm barely hanging on as it is... that's how I often feel. Like I'm constantly fumbling. Or rather that is my fear. I'm angry that its such a struggle for me to function in a normal & healthy relationship. Especially when I truly want it, and so much good comes from it. But isn't that how it happens? Our life lessons? I learned how to comfortably be single, to know myself, to love myself. To have boundaries & assert myself with others outside of my most intimate relationships. And now its time learn that within a relationship; within this relationship. Because I choose her.

It's difficult though to not reach back for old tools like working out or AA that once helped with these life lessons, to reach back to the people who helped before with my personal growth. And when you try, the universe manages to stop you. There's an inner knowing that it's time for someone, something new, because this is new. It sits me in this grey area of stillness. Where the only thing to do is to wait. To be still, to listen. To be willing to fail and keep going. To risk rocking the boat with those closest to you. Because if someone, anyone truly loves you, they support you in positive changes. They will grow with you. I trust that.

What do you know, I'm not angry anymore.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Sweetness

I'm a much more productive human being when I'm not on Facebook.

And when I say "not on Facebook" I mean... not even signed up, not even having an active profile. There's something about Facebook that distracts me from life. From myself, from things I need to cultivate within myself. I deactivated my account months ago and didn't look back until I realized that I still loved to blog, and Facebook happened to be my biggest fan. Where else was I going to post them?

I've spent the majority of my life looking for answers to the hard questions. The questions that may not have an answer. I've spent the last 6+ years searching for my own answers. Digging deep within my own psyche and cleaning out muck that had accumulated from all the years before. People are fascinating. I'm fascinating. I consider myself lucky to have this insatiable appetite to figure myself out, to grow, and evolve. I also consider myself lucky to have been part of so many others' similar journey. One of the big things I've learned is that we often subconsciously avoid our issues. Wonder why people show up in our lives when they do? Or do the things they do? Because people are mirrors. Always, constantly offering you the opportunity to look at yourself. I've also learned that when just before it breaks, it hurts the worst. It truly does seem "darkest before the dawn." You feel as if you cannot take much more. Anger, anxiety, & the urge to give way to the same old thing and stop fighting for something new seems so sweet it makes your mouth water. It's an illusion of freedom. We mistake that giving up for surrender. We mistake giving in for standing still but strong. The freedom comes from breaking the old habits, and letting them lie where they may. Of not only breaking the metaphorical chains, but not carrying around the metaphorically cuffs either. I've spent my life using drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and even Facebook to distract myself from growth. We all do it. My goal over the last 6 years has simply been to become more conscious, and sometimes yes, I'm a little too deep for some, and sometimes the rabbit hole seems to open up and swallow me whole. Sometimes I'm too deep for myself. But it is these places I find the most amazing things about life, about people, & about myself.

Don't be afraid to ask yourself the hard questions. To be honest, and ask others to do the same. We are so afraid of what we would learn about ourselves if God forbid, we sat in some silence. If we asked ourselves, "What is this person I cannot stand reflecting to me about myself?" "Who am I when I'm not being productive?" "What does enough feel like?" What if for JUST A MOMENT we slowly, step by step removed any thoughts of the past along with any feelings of how it should or should not have been; then take a breath and release thoughts and anticipation of the future, and simply sit with ourselves. If we ask yourselves what would it feel like, if just for a moment, I completely and totally accept my life as it is without any kind of desire for it to be any different... what would that feel like? That my friends is the sweetness that should make your mouth water.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Priorities

"No one more directly affects your life than the person you choose to spend it with."

Just incase you were wondering... that's my quote, I said that. And it's true. I would imagine most people's initial response would be NO! My children do! Well, yes, children do very much and very drastically affect your life, but who affects those children almost as much as you do? The person you choose to spend your life with. If they parent those children or not, that person directly affects everything in your life. So the question then becomes, do you like how this person affects your life?

There comes a point when your family takes precedence. The family that becomes yours, that you create should be your primary focus. Everything and everyone else becomes secondary. No that doesn't meant do not take care of yourself or pursue your dreams, if anyone knows me they know I am a huge advocate of change, taking leaps, and being true to yourself. But I do believe there is a level of respect and honor that you give your immediately family (you, your significant other, and your children) that places them above other members of your family such as your parents and your siblings. As we grow, the roles people play in our lives change. And at one point, your parents and your siblings were your immediate family and they did come first, but somehow that shifts, and it needs to. Everyone goes on their own way. I'm not saying do not help your family, because yes, that IS what family does, we love and support each other. We give of ourselves, our energy, our money, our space, etc... when we can. When our family is taken care of. Just as you cannot take care of anyone else if you haven't taken care of yourself. The family you  create becomes part of you. They are an extension of you and before you can give to someone outside that, you must ensure that all is well within. Let me be clear that I am not talking about someone whom you are dating, or been in a long term relationship but have not made that commitment to each other. I am also not talking about those people who have a tendency to forget everyone and everything and loose themselves within each relationship that comes along and lasts only months. I'm talking about those who have decided that yes, this person is this person I want to spend my life with, and make that decision again and again.

That's were I'm at. I'm grateful for it, and I offer no apologies. This is a beautiful life. Far greater than I ever imagined. Even on the rough days, I love the way she affects my life. The bigger picture always brings me home.

With Grace & Gratitude...

What If

What if for just a moment, I became okay with everything as it is right now. What if I felt for just a moment that I struggled with nothing. Nothing. I did not struggle with compulsive over-eating, I did not struggle with letting the past go, I did not struggle with allowing myself to be happy. What would that be like? It becomes very quiet. When I let go of worry, a space opens inside of me that allows for manifestation to happen. It frees up tremendous energy to put towards other things, like my dreams, like connecting with my partner. It frees me up to feel the woman inside of me who doesn't really get the chance to shine. The woman who is confident, sure, able to make decisions and face the consequences of those decisions whether they be good or bad... face them and let them go. Someone who regrets nothing, but humble enough to admit when she is wrong, grieve for a moment and move foward. There is this woman inside of me that is closer to who I truly am than anything I've ever known. She moves confidently and gracefully. She feels her emotions but does not allow them to engulf her. I can feel her there. It's not about becoming anything, about changing or doing as much as it is about simply letting go. Feeling that space inside of you where there is peace, where there is strength. It's about allowing that space to open up and grow. Everything happens for a reason, even the good things. It's okay to have good things happen. To embrace my life as it is right now, because it is a good life. I deserve it. To let go of the struggle of finding reason to not fully enjoy this life as it is. I've accepted all the "bad" things in my life. Believing they have given way to something greater. Well, so have the good things. I wouldn't be here, if I were not suppose to be here.

No Choice but to Release

Okay, so there's always a choice. but the energy of the last few days has not felt that way at all.

What's going on!?
The collective energy the last several days seems to be pushing that which no longer serves the greater good to the surface for release. Many people are experiencing similar symptoms that range from a vague sense of waking up on the wrong side of the bed to migraine headaches and emotional outbursts. It just depends on where you're at in your spiritual journey and how sensitive you are to these shifts. This one seems to be pretty intense. And no matter how "sensitive" you are it will be felt on some level.  I'm writing this because I'm watching people struggle to feel okay these last few days and it helps to have an understanding of what's going on and to know that you are not alone. You are not the only one experiencing emotional outbursts, extreme fatigue, restlessness, impatience, and body aches. Obviously those are not the only symptoms, but those seem to be the most common this go around.

I'm watching the energy move up people's chakra systems starting at the root. As it clears, its circling back up and down to the chakra above the first one. What you feel is almost a tingling sensation, or a nauseous sensation where the energy is moving through and a heaviness or numbness where the energy has already been. It's okay. It's clearing. The best thing to do is allow it to happen. Be gentle with yourself and others. Understand we are all going through this together. Avoid addictive behaviors, watch your thoughts and do things that relax you and raise your vibration like taking a salt bath, gaze out the window, breathe light into the areas of your body that feel blocked or sick, inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth. Google some grounding, clearing, and releasing techniques. See what resonates with you and try it. What the heck right? The most important thing is just to remember to let it be. Don't fight it. Do not struggle, simply observe, notice, & feel. The collective energy is pushing it up and out. LET IT. Just breathe. Our attempts and fighting that are only going to make it worse.

What to expect?!
February is about going inward. Mother nature is forcing us in doors, within ourselves, with the people closest to us who most able to help reflect back to us things we need to see. And well sometimes, this sucks, really sucks. It's painful and irritating, but in the same instance it's beautiful. It's a healing. There are more winter storms predicted and artic temperatures. The energy of February is very stagnant, and I believe Mercury is going to be in retrograde for most of the month which effects communication of all kinds. There also seems to be a sense of doing those things we've been putting off out of fear. Once we are made to sit still long enough (as sweet February is graciously doing for us) it feels as if we have no choice but to act upon things which we've allowed to lay dormant inside of us.  Mercury in retrograde isn't typically a good time to sign contracts, make big life decisions, etc... but this one has a different feel to it. It feels okay to do those things we've been putting off that will quite possible move us forward into new and uncharted territories in March and continue for the rest of the year.

I've never been one to sugar coat much so I will be honest, I have a feeling February is going to be rough for many of us, but the energy really clears up the first week of March.  We are going to feel trapped, anxious, and edgy. It is about letting go. We humans don't usually take the initiative to look at ourselves and our life when there is no discomfort, so Spirit has to create it for us. Spend some time with yourself. Our job is to keep our intention on healing and release. To take it one day at a time and be gentle with each other. When it's all over, we will be that much lighter, and that much more capable of moving forward in our lives and in our world. It truly begins within each of us. Our world is merely a reflection of the collective consciousness. It's time we get our of our heads and into our hearts. When all else fails, just remember, this too shall pass.  Hang in there Blessings.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Wounds

"It's not about the wounds from our past relationships, its about the wounds we are creating in each other in our current relationship and we need to figure out how to help the other one heal those wounds without our egos getting all worked up."

That might have been one of the most profound things I've ever said to my significant other. The goal, the mutual goal, should always be to help the other become the best version of themselves. That's why it's so important to mean what you say and be mindful with our words. It's okay to point out less than positive aspects of the other's personality but it must be done with love, with the intention of simply bringing it to the others attention. Maybe they will reflect on that, maybe they won't. That is not of our concern. But if it is re-iterated that our mutual understanding is to always help the other person be a better version of themselves, then that will allow each person to listen a little more intently and be a little less defensive. As always, the change begins with us. You get what you give. It's about giving anyway. If we stayed concerned with what we are or are not getting out of our relationships, we are missing the whole point. So, it begins with me. Be the change. Right? Yes. In those moments though, sometimes all you can do is breathe. Keep breathing and keep listening. In the grand scheme of things its about loving, giving, growing, and being true to yourself all in the same boat. Life has always been about learning. What are the principles you live your relationship by? What questions can we ask ourselves to get the most out of where we are right now? What is being presented as an opportunity to learn? In what ways are we being loving? In what ways are our egos blocking the possibility of growth? Are we being true to ourselves here while being kind? And might it be true that it is more difficult to apply these principles the closer we are to someone, although you would thing it would be the other way around?

As I get older I realize, you have no where to run. Any advice you receive simply brings you inward, back to your own, back to yourself to that part of you that does not belong to you. It is part of something greater. There is no such thing as advice. Don't ask what you should do, ask what they have done in similar situations. It is shared experience. Take what works for you and leave the rest. We are all teachers; we are all students.

With Grace & Gratitude...

To Capture Forever

"To Capture Forever" - It's just a lyric. Nothing special, no initial deeper meaning, it was just there, in my ears in the same moment my cursor took it's place in the title bar. But somehow seemed fitting.

I forgot how much I love bookstores... and coffee. Starbucks coffee to be exact. I've spent the last 2 hours or so walking around reading bits and pieces of art. Of peoples' advice, opinions, lives, & experiences. It's beautiful. Coffee house music enveloping me as I walk the isles completely content with my White Peppermint Mocha in hand. The only discouraging fact is that I have only half a battery life on my laptop, and surprisingly they don't have plugs. Guess I better write fast if I want to write. I was reminded today of my deep desire to write a memoir. To share my experience, strength, & hope as the say in Alcoholics Anonymous. Those things, along with my weaknesses, my perceived failures, my whole self as I know it. Self absorbed? Narcissistic? I guess that is left to the opinions of others. If it touches people, if it changes lives and inspires people to be who they are, to face their fears, it would seem it would be serving a grander purpose. If it didn't, that's okay too. The process alone would be an incredible personal fulfillment within itself. An incredible drawn out and in depth reflection upon my life. Reflection & introspection have always been one of my favorite places. I have found much peace & healing within that sacred process. A fearless & searching moral inventory. Although I no longer consider myself "part of the program" I cannot deny the impact some of its more powerful "suggestions" have had on my life.  I love this place so much right now. I love coffee houses, acoustic type music, writing, and people watching. It feels so good here. I should come here more often.

This. Here. Does something for my soul. It allows it to be open. Connected. Even though I am a mere observer. "Bring me a higher love" covered by James Vincent McMorrow playing in my ear buds... I watch three gentlemen discuss books, write, & sip their coffees. The first two sat alone and delighted in each others company for some time. They are all smiling & laughing. And I cannot judge. I have no idea what they are talking about, all I see is happiness. It's a beautiful thing. Aware there is always a balance to be maintained. Balance of reflection with present moment being. The flowing between the two gives my heart & soul feet to dance and music to follow. When I can be an observer of the world & lost within my own. When I can create my own sacred space within, and simply be part of the world without allowing myself to be effected or attempting to effect it. To simply be. And I am inspired.

With Grace & Gratitude...

It's Never About the Bread

I didn't eat the bread.

Although that may seem insignificant, it's not. I've spent the last year and a half figuring out what works for me now. Waiting to feel that peace again within myself in regards to my relationship to food. Because it changed when I got here. It has been a challenge for me to continue loosing weight since two of my meals usually include the consideration of another person. Another person who doesn't necessarily eat the same kinds of foods I do. It has been a challenge to find that balance again. I've felt helpless without a cardio partner who was willing to hit the gym last minute at all hours of the night and without high-intensity interval workouts at a private gym. But I have 65lbs to loose, and I will finally be at goal weight, and I want that for myself. I've worked extremely hard to get where I am, and the last year and a half has simply been a different kind of struggle.  But today, I didn't eat the garlic bread. They say it's about small breakthroughs. And that's what it felt like. I ate at least 600 calories in chocolate today, I haven't been to the gym in 5 days, and I haven't lifted weights in 6 weeks. But when I sat down to dinner I made a decision to not eat the garlic bread, I didn't go back for seconds, I had a salad as my side AND my portion was small. I didn't continue to sabotage my efforts. A shift. I didn't realize ANY of this until about 20 min ago. I couldn't help but to smile, to feel gratitude & happiness. It felt like forgiveness. Like I had let go of my expectations, of the past, of clinging to the old ways of what worked but weren't here now, to work with. For the first time in months, I felt a sense of freedom. Like the obsession was lifted, again... finally. Spirit has been working over-time in y life lately, or maybe I'm just taking the time to notice. Whichever the case, I am grateful.

With Grace & Gratitude...