Standards

There is something to be said about the company you keep. About the type of people you surround yourself with.

When I made the decision to be a healthier human being I found myself in the middle of a gym whose standards where high. Whose expectations where high. Whose ego was just big enough to not be afraid to risk hurting your feelings in the name of facts. I want to say that I was raised, my post weight loss self was raised amongst people whose love of the work bordered on psychotic, or leveled it out in some way. That was the company I kept. Two years later, I find it much easier to quit. I find myself surround by people who will let me whine my way out of the work, who let me change the game. Then I'm hit with surprise and disappointment. As if I was testing them to see if I could trust them to go with me to the places I wanted to go. To see if they knew me well enough to know that quitting was the last thing I really wanted to do. It has become more acceptable to myself to not push myself as hard. I find myself less motivated and driven, a little less passionate and a little more melancholy. Tracy has told me more than once, that I need to decide what I want. That isn't so much the problem The problem is that what I want isn't as easily accessible here. I know what I want. Just under 100 miles away from where I was. So I settle. I do enjoy power-lifting, so I do that, but I know I need more cardio. I miss the station, but I feel ashamed at the standards I've allowed myself to accept. Settling. Less cardio. More repetition. Imagining myself as the person in that Gold's gym who came and did the same routines every week.* I'm ashamed that I am that person, Monday chest & bi's, Tuesday legs, Thursday back & tri's, the person that we as a community at the station were not. It seems so petty sometimes. But is it?! To me it's a representation of the person I strive to be everyday. To me it's not petty, it's important. I wonder if it served it's purpose and now time to let it go, but I can't seem to do that. Nothing I've had since then has lived up to the standards I created while I was there. The standards I was compared too by those I surrounded myself with. No one has given me what I want, and I can't seem to cultivate it on my own. Instead of pushing myself, I've lowered my standards. The last time I went there, to the station, I was within 5 miles and decided I couldn't make it. I didn't deserve to be there. I was an emotional mess and instead of going in there and exposing that part of me as I once did, I went home. Wanting so much just to have back that routine of yoga, cardio, & Burkey.

The question then is this... is the challenge here letting go and embracing something new? or creating what I had there, here, and is that even possible?

OR I could go down once a week. Bite the bullet, pay the gas, take the time, and get it done? There's an option I haven't given much thought too

**http://station515.blogspot.com/p/who-we-are.html

With Grace & Gratitude...