Coming Together

There are those moments when it all starts coming together. When the links become apparent, and the lessons more intense. When it seems like every time you turn around its another opportunity from the universe to step forward or remain where you are. By this point, it's tiring. My stomach hurts. Briefly, I want to cry. I want to hang my head and say I can't take on anymore. But then something reminds me I asked for this. I ask for help from the universe to learn to create stronger boundaries, to voice myself. I asked for help with my fears with money, with my feelings of never having enough. I asked for help with my compulsive overeating, and my relationship with my mother. And all I've gotten for the past week are huge validations on how they are all connected. The smoke is clearing. How my feelings of not having enough may have been taken on from my mother & created by her years ago, which manifests physically through my making good money but running out before next payday. I overeat in subconscious attempts to nurture myself, to fuel myself because my "love tank" is full. You know when something holds some truth for you? When you can't stop thinking about it. When the phrases bounces around in your head, refusing to go anywhere until you take it in your hands and sit with it for a moment, a few moments. Long enough to understand it. Wait... That's interesting, I just typed "love tank is full" when what I meant to say was empty, I meant to say my over-eating and money habits could suggest that I may feel my "love tank" is empty. A Freudian slip maybe. Let somebody love you. That has also been bouncing around in my head. Insinuating that  I have difficulty allowing someone to love me. That I struggle accepting the kind of love that wants nothing from you. I feel confused and tired. A bit fatigued. Like the last 1/3 of a workout or race when you are past the utter exhaustion phase, you're in the euphoric phase. Where the endorphins have kicked in to get you passed the finish line. Where you are too close to give up. Where the drive to finish is significantly more than the desire to quit, only it doesn't feel like desire it all. You're just ready to get it done. You've surrendered any fight because you know whining and complaining isn't going to get you there any faster. You just take a breath, keep your eyes forward and let your body take you where your soul needs to go. I'll take that.

With Grace & Gratitude...