Book Review: You are a BADASS

I was gifted this book last fall by my wife in the midst of my biggest depression since I found raw sobriety in 2008. It is the first book I've finished in a while. As fate would have it, someone else gifted me the small "badass button" and a pocket book around the same time. Obviously, the Universe was trying to send me a message.

The overall theme of this book is to love yourself. Every chapter ends with a handful of numerical action steps one can do to achieve the advice humorously laid out before it, and the last bullet point is always ... love yourself and a reason why. 

When I began reading this book I didn't love myself very much. I was low. I felt like a piece of shit - a failure to those I cared about and cared about me. Nothing I did was enough and so much responsibility felt like mine but simply, wasn't. Numbness took over my body and mind, and I laid in bed staring at the wall listening to my own breath. Sometimes pulling myself together to see clients. I was lost, again, and so pissed off about it.

Jen Sincero's humoristic delivery was able to trick my defense mechanisms and creep by the walls I had created to isolate myself from the world. Most chapters are less than 10 pages - an easy read. Even for someone who wanted to sleep all the time. She was straight to the point and called out all my bullshit as if she were sitting next to my sad self. I'm a sucker for swear words, and they top this book like extra sprinkles on a white icing cupcake. It was light and didn't overwhelm my already heavy brain and heart. Like a pinch of tough love with a wink. 

She told me to get rid of my stories, forgive or fester, remember to surrender, and to get over my B.S. already. Followed by the sweet sentiment to love myself because everybody benefits, it's the Holy Grail of happiness, and most of all because I deserve it. 

This book came at the perfect time, as I believe all books do. They find us, we don't find them. I'm grateful for this book, and to Sabrina for being the vessel that brought it to me. It was like the good weather I needed to make the trek a little easier. 

The Weight of Other People's Opinions

 You know what I'm tired of carrying? The weight of other people's opinions.

I sat in my salt-water bath reflecting on my life, Mother's Day, my own Mother and being a Mother. I sat in silence and contemplated what I had read earlier today about believing that all possibilities are available to me. I realized while sitting in that bathtub looking up through the skylight directly above my head that it's okay for me to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I think there came a point in my journey that I outgrew some people so much, they could no longer be happy for me. Their support and blessings were limited. Eventually, they tried to pull me back down. I distinctly remember a fight with my aunt in 2015 where she told me I had forgotten where I came from and, more or less, that I was a terrible daughter and person. I told her I remembered clearly where I came from, because I never wanted to go back. I think on some level, I've carried that with me, though, and I don't want to anymore - that feeling of guilt for flourishing. I'm allowed to be happy. I don't have to punish myself or shift that heaviness to another area of my life, I can be free. I deserve that, so do my children and my spouse. I have chosen to struggle. I think some part of me never wanted to feel "better" than anyone else. I didn't want anyone, especially my family to look at me and think, "Her life is perfect. She's got it so easy. She got lucky" But, the truth is, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me. That is heavy shit to carry. I am not getting any younger. My Mother's life was short. The average American gets another 17 years. 

I am human. Therefore, I am not perfect, despite my best, most exhausting, efforts... I am not perfect. But I wake up each day with the intention to do good. Once upon a time, I would have added, to be a better person than I was the day before, but I believe that thinking is outdated. It suggests that I am a perpetual failure, and I've felt like that enough in my life. My heart wants nothing more than to leave the world and the people I encounter, especially the people closest to me - happier, healthier, and freer. At the very least, I wish to do no harm. That is my heart's truest desire. To bring forth all the things I've ever wanted for myself, to those around me and the world. 

I find enormous comfort in this truth. It feels simple and light. I don't have to choose struggle. 

How am I going to do this?

-Stop listening to melancholy music.

-Believe my body wants to heal and that anything I want is possible

-Have a facial skin care routine

-Let little shit slide

-Love myself. 

-Forgive myself and believe I deserve happiness

Big Picture Viewing

 "Let go of your body, let go of the blame."

I heard that this morning as I was walking to the bathroom after my alarm. I'm always fascinated with how the Universe orchestrates things to work on those lower vibrating aspects of ourselves. Those parts of us that slow us down and keep us from our true hearts desire and our highest path. 

My career in real estate has challenged the most stubborn parts of myself - procrastination, negotiating without me ultimately telling people to go fuck themselves, patience, following through, putting myself out there for rejection, my tendency to find someone or something to blame for why things happen, letting go in general, and I'm sure there is more. These are just the ones I'm dealing with this morning. It illuminates those deeper, real-human aspects of myself that are quite easy to forget about when I'm zen-ing out in my BYLC office with essential oils in my reiki zone. 

Often people ask me, why real estate? My answer is always - it sounded fun, I always wanted to do it. I was tired of nursing. If  I'm really honest, though, subconsciously it was to help me grow as a person, just as every other experience in our life is meant to do. Big picture viewing is like riding up in a hot air balloon (which is ironically the RE/MAX mascot) - it feels difficult and scary on the way up, but once we're at the top everything looks and feels quiet and peaceful. We're reminded of our smallness and how our piece of the puzzle touches so many other pieces. Big picture viewing feels whole. It invokes a sense of trust, surrender, and peace. At-least for me it does. 

It's been 45 minutes since I stood in the middle of Walgreens trying my best not to scream "FUCK!" with my eyebrow pencil and deodorant tucked under my arm. 

I wanted to blame myself. I wanted to feel sorry for myself and remind myself of all the ways I fail the people I care about with total disregard to whether that is actually true or not. I wanted to apologize profusely and panic. Instead, I decided reflect on my recent reading of Jen Sincero's, "You Are a Badass" and figure out what I actions I could take right now. So, I cancelled yoga (and had to release ill feelings about that, too) and came home to talk to my buyers and re-write this damn contract. 

The truth is, I believe everything works out just as it is suppose to. I also believe there is always good good in every situation. I don't know if those are universal truths or true for me because I believe it to be so. Either way it doesn't matter. I'm grateful for this moment and the fact that I'm sitting here in a much better headspace than I was, now, 75 minutes ago without ruminating about what I could have done differently or being angry at myself for things that could have quite possibly been entirely out of my control anyways. 

With Grace & Gratitude...