I read an article last night that basically said, "OK, you gained weight, so what." At-least, that is how I interpreted it.
It has taken me years, literally, but there is a a decent amount of acceptance regarding the weight I have gained. I won't say "gained back" for two reasons, doing so implies I had lost it accidentally and always yearned for its return and, two, because it is not the same weight I carried before. I lost what I lost through self-love, through healing, through changing the relationship I had with food and my emotional states. I released unprocessed emotions from years prior. I did this through yoga, through exercise, through writing. This go around, I've realized I tend to eat when I'm doing something I don't necessarily want to do - I eat in certain circumstances as a means of escape, of rebellion, and to add joy to a perceived unbearable situation - I often yearn to find the pleasurable among the uncomfortable. This explains a lot of why I gained so much weight after moving from Roseville in 2012.
It has been 8 years since I began my weight-loss journey, and four since I have struggled. Four of those years, I watched weight slowly began to stick to my body, I found myself increasingly sad and distant. I lost myself during that time. I lost the connection to my body, myself, and those I loved. I was angry. I didn't want to be where I was in my life; I truly don't know why I chose to stay. But I'm here now, and the life I currently live nourishes my heart and soul, it energizes and inspires me. It brings about so much joy. I'm flying again, and the sky is the limit. I find myself grateful to the point of tears, remembering asking God for all these things. And here they are. This life pushes me to be better. I am incredibly happy with the life I live now and this person re-emerging from the ashes of inadvertent self-destruction. I can find meaning in the potentiality that I wouldn't be here had I not gone there.
I ate my feelings. I ate my fears. I ate my frustration and my un-met needs for love and affection. I ate away loneliness, hopelessness, guilt, and anger all at myself for the actions I carried out and those I didn't. I was so angry, for so long. I had to accept responsibility for my own actions, and apologize to those I had hurt. I had to accept my current state, which is a few more pounds than were I was 5 years ago and has been a little harder to lose. There were things I knew deep down I could no longer ignore, things that my heart had been whispering for some time. My self-pity and pride got me here. If anything, my last trek before arriving here brought about some over-due humility. Somehow I forgot it's graceful power in catalyzing change, a necessary component in staying grounded. It is becoming easier to deny self-pity and pride the power to hold back my progress, although, I can still feel the heat from the embers of a dying ego from time to time. Everyday is a new day. It's baby steps at this point, again. Although, I never completely stopped working-out my mind-set shifted into a space of mental quick sand, I hit the gym for the wrong reasons - out of fear, out of spite, out of shear survival mode, out of escape - and only got myself deeper into the struggle. I'm going to yoga tonight. Karma yoga. If everything is symbolic, maybe this will move some of this stagnant energy out and pay my karmic dues. I am grateful to say, I am not angry anymore, Progress feels slow right now, but it's moving. It's different. I've spent the last 4 years wanting to lose weight out of fear of gaining it back. Today, I just don't want to eat more food than what my body needs or for the wrong reasons. Finally, it is, again, what it's always been about - changing my relationship with food, along with letting go of my judgments of other peoples food choices and living a life that brings me joy. It's also about humility, authenticity, and forgiveness. Food was my first drug, I pray God grants me the same freedom from this addiction as He has so many others; one day at a time...
With Grace & Gratitude....
