I left my new hypnotherapist's office today in sunshine and a light jacket. It was beautiful. I had just given her a synopsis of my life starting with the now, my current desire to heal an unhealthy relationship with food as to not pass it on to my children, and in doing so, hoping to release myself of some underlying negative emotions and anxieties. Maybe it's the other way around, either way, it was were I started. I admitted to being cognizant of the potentiality of unknown things coming from under the 65 extra pounds I started collecting in 2012. Leaning back into the last 5 years I filled her in on my move to Saint Johns, and where I was physically, mentally, and spiritually just before I embarked on that journey. I felt whole, solid, strong, balanced. I left feeling lost, depleted, & alone. I gave a her a reluctant summary of my relationship before my marriage, doing my best not to give away the teensy bit of bitterness and blame that creeps to the surface from time to time. My father, my Mother, my brother - all sprinkled about. My job, the move, my marriage touched on here and there. Sobriety - the catalyst ignited almost a decade ago, how could we not discus such a poignant part of my story? My arrival and my departure from those tables; we touched on that for a bit. After sobriety came the end of the smoking, then the beginning of the weight loss. Then back to adolescence, again, what about your Father, your Mother, your brother? She jotted down my wife's name, my profession, my kids name. Her pencil continued to pen. A decades worth of tools I had gathered for grounding, clearing, healing, releasing, overcoming - they all seemed to make her list.
I left feeling utterly grateful; I left feeling utterly free. I was grateful to be here, at this point in my life when I could share all of this, and keep moving gracefully forward. Love filled my heart as I thought of the people I had known along this path that has been my amazing & beautiful life. Because those are the moments I choose to define my life - those of overcoming, of grace, of healing. I drove the on-ramp heading west and felt a handful of other emotions wash through me like a bucket of holy water cascading down my insides. Not necessarily because of anything she or I had said, or anything in particular that had happened, but a divinely timed opening. I had been willing. I had been open. At some point over the last 2 years I had managed to release enough of the guilt, anger, and blame to walk a little lighter and a little more receptive.
We have all made mistakes and wondered how we got wherever we go, why we chose what we chose, and why we didn't change it sooner. It's easy to be angry at ourselves and other people, but that anger keeps us stuck. Our lives truly go in the direction our mind goes, our thoughts are constantly creating future experiences.
Today, I felt I had my life back. It was unexpected, but welcomed with open arms.
With Grace & Gratitude...
