The Pull

Last night I felt in every cell of my body the way I felt when I left for Michigan, when I left AA... that feeling of I have NO IDEA what is ahead of me and terrified doesn't begin to describe how I feel, but the pull is so strong to go there, I would collapse in exhaustion trying to fight it. That undeniable feeling that you ARE stepping into the unknown. Releasing the need to know, understand, predict, or control... I am left with a screaming child-like ego jumping up and down saying, "But this is not what I want!!! I want X, Y, Z and A, B, & C too!" When in truth it has no idea what it wants, but more is always acceptable. That statement makes me shake my head, but it is oh so true. The ego's wants are bottomless, nothing is ever enough. But now what? Want to stop wanting?!?! There's vicious cycle going nowhere. Trust the constant, the quiet, the slow.

Nothing That Turned Into Something

I can't sleep, for no other reason than I'm just not tired yet. Amos Lee's Violin just came on Pandora <3. Melt my heart why don't ya? I've had difficulty writing the last few days. There's a lot going on inside of me. Growth, healing, change. It's beautiful. But I find myself speechless about it, wanting to savor it. Less focused on me and my life. When the thought to write comes I'd like to make it more general and uplifting instead of this is what happened to me... and yada yada ya. Like instead of going into detail about the circumstances in my life which are bringing me to surrender, how these specific thoughts are coming and going, and how I'm dealing with them; I wanted to make it more general. Take "me" out of the equation a little more, but still provide the words of inspiration and guidance. Guess this is part of the shift, actually, I'm sure of it. I'm becoming acutely aware at the amount of change that has taken place within me and around me. It has stopped me in my tracks in sheer awe too many times to count the last couple weeks. Now that I'm here, I'm not sure what to say. Thinking if I just start, this just might be one of the longest blogs I've ever written, and have very little direction or a clear point, but it will be open, flowing & honest. It will be a peak into this heart of mine made possible by what can be a false sense of intimacy that is this blog. I sat in my kitchen today and thought, I'm much quieter than I've ever admitted too, or allowed myself to be. Stillness has become one of my favorite places to be, and so much of that which I experience during that stillness has become so sacred, I've lost the desire to share it in the usual fashion.


What do I want to see more of in the world? A question I've been asking myself everyday for the last several days. Whatever it is, BE THAT. We are vessels, bringing into the world whatever we choose. Whatever we feel, think, and create in that moment. Every time I choose forgiveness, peace, patience, etc... I'm bring that into the world through me. I think this is what Ghandi meant when he said "Be the change you wish to see in the world"  Want peace? Be peaceful. Want Love? Give love. So simple. What do you think the world needs more of? Justice? Understanding? Compassion... then BE that & GIVE that. I also think mother Theresa was right on Ghandi's heels with, "I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there." She's being the change. Attending an anti-war rally and getting angry and "fighting" war... is still fighting. Want peace? Be peace. Have a peace rally! What are you choosing to focus on RIGHT NOW? Another question, written on an index card next to my computer as a reminder that what I'm focusing on RIGHT NOW is being re-created. It's a chance for me to become aware, ask myself, is this something I want more of in my life? In the world? And if not... choose again. Choose to be the vessel I already am, and bring the change I wish to see into the world. Choice. So simple. It's impossible to think about two separate things at once, and it takes practice to hold that positive thought for more than a fleeting second, especially if you've spent your entire life bathing in worry & fear in your own mind, like I have.... but it's okay. You can start, RIGHT NOW. And practice. This practice will teach you far more than what you will have initially thought or sought after. You will learn things about yourself you never new existed, and may even meet yourself for the first time, ever. What am I focusing on right now? Joy. A deep cleansing breath.... and nothing. There will come a point when there is no thought, just a feeling. A vibration that seems to move through you. You can't necessarily name it, but it's good, and you know the world needs it... so you just let it be. There will come a time, when being ANYWHERE but right here, in this moment will be utterly exhausting and intolerable. A weird phrase I've been reciting as a reminder for myself is "Don't do, get moved through." Meaning... stop doing... let things move through you. And yes, sometimes when things are moving through you, you get carried along with and take action, guided action. The kind of action that is steady and a tad illusive, as if you're NOT entirely sure why you are doing what your doing, but you KNOW its okay.

Every thought is planting a seed, which will grow later. Every experience you create in your mind, will create in your life.  The "outside" is simply a reflection of what's "inside." What do you see? Use your life as a road map back in, to yourself. What are you creating? Because yes, you are creating... every single bit of it. Each moment will replicate itself. Watch, listen, & feel... create moments, you wish to be replicated. Everything I do to you or for you, I'm doing to and for myself and everyone else. Our belief we are separate from one another, is nothing but a big cosmic joke.. and the joke's on us.

Listen.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Stillness

Silence. It has been said that it is only in silence that truth is really heard. Maybe that's true. I'm beginning to believe it's true. It's become apparent that I'm at a place of stillness. Silence. Aloneness. A place where there is no such thing as seeking advice from outside sources. Where the voice of God interjects between the thought to speak and the actual words that come out of my mouth. I reminder of what I'm about to say, a double check... of ... do you really want to say this? Is this of Love? Is this creating that which you wish to see more of in the world? There comes a time when only stillness suffices for stillness, silence suffices for silence and your true self suffices for who you are, who you want to be, and who the world sees you as. And for some, it takes more courage to surrender than it does to fight. *I* am one of those people. To say I feel introverted would be an understatement. I crave stillness. A peace that surpasses understanding. Where my cushion is exactly where I want to be, totally and completely. When needs take precedence over wants and my desire to share all of this with anyone is not at all. It's a beautiful space, and not nearly as painful as I always thought it would be. "Enlightenment is coming, and it will wait however long it takes." Patience. Trust. Being here now. Things I never thought I'd learn.

With Grace & gratitude...

Practice

I swept the floor this morning. Mundane right? Not really. I decided to use sweeping the floor for a deeper purpose. To practice, to train my mind to focus on the moment, the details. To let go of all that that really didn't matter in that moment, to let go of everything else that didn't have to do with sweeping that floor. Ok, I was just sweeping the floor. Who cares if I was "there" or not? I do. I'm practicing living in the moment, letting go of thoughts. Because what about those times when we REALLY DO want to be there, in the moment, to enjoy it fully. When being there, really does matter but we can't do it... because we don't know how. We've not practiced it enough. It's like thinking about taking piano lessons for years, talking about it, reading about it, wishing for it but never touching the keys and expecting yourself to be ready to play on stage in front of an audience. That's just not how it works.

Today I practiced focus, letting go, and being in the moment by simply sweeping the floor. I practiced patience with myself and my thoughts as I waited for my body and mind to relax into meditation. Among other things, but today... that's what presented itself, and in accepting that, I practiced being okay with what is. 

What do you want more of in your life? What do you need more of in your life? I've come to believe that although we may not always know what we want, we know what we need. Whatever it is... practice it.  Practice it when it really doesn't matter, so when does... it's familiar, and there's always comfort in familiarity.

Love & Light,
Dottie

All Will Be Well

"All will be well, even after all the promises you've broken to yourself, all will be well, you can ask me how but only time will tell." - Gabe Dixon Band

I opened my eyes this morning, irritated. Thoughts I was tired of thinking entered before I full came out of my dream state, there was noise in the kitchen, and I had spent the last two days crying & purging of what? I"m not sure. There is an  index card on my computer desk with the words "What are you choosing to focus on RIGHT NOW?" That's an important question to ask yourself at any given moment, like checking in with your mind... bringing awareness back. We are SO often wrapped up in what's wrong we are inadvertently re-creating those same experiences  So when I ask myself that question and realize I'm focusing on pain, loss, anger, fear... I look to the left on another index card that says, "TRUST." I smile, I breathe, I reconnect to the Divine. It may seem tiny, but them more I do that, the more I create that. Eventually, it will all add up.

So I sat my irritated ass on my meditation cushion this morning, fidgety, seeing my mind as my enemy a question arose... "What are you choosing to practice right now? And you know what? That awareness was enough. Awareness is always enough. I was practicing willingness, acceptance, surrender, trust, letting go...being okay with what was, living in the moment. I was practicing trust in myself and trust in the Divine that there on that cushion this morning was exactly where I was suppose to be. I was surrendering  and accepting of where I was in that moment... frustrated and all. How beautiful & exciting. I asked myself what's the worst that could happen if I completely let go right now? For just a moment, so I did...briefly. I bet you think I'm gonna say everything stopped, and I felt peaceful and fell into a deep meditative state? NOPE, but I did smile and felt gratitude, then I gave myself permission to get off my cushion. :)

Because it is a practice and practice automatically implies patience. Practice implies multiple attempts and requires a little bit of grace. So be easy on yourself. Love ALL of you... that mind that seems to never stop, that mouth that seems to never shut up, those wounds you can't always hide. Love ALL your weakness and don't be afraid of your strengths.

"So become one with YOUR practice, your Eightfold path, embrace it as though it was the lover you had waited for your entire life. Ride with it, swim with it, sink with it, soar with it. Sail and sail hard. I'll go with you. Enlightenment is waiting on the other side of the ocean. And it will wait for however long it takes."  - Geri Larkin


Love & Light,
Dottie