Christianity Isn't About Self-Actualization?

I read a lot of articles. Today I read an article written by a university president regarding one students perception of a sermon received on campus. Honestly, I liked the article. I would agree and offer elaboration on the subject, but that is not the purpose of this particular piece.

"The primary objective of the Church and the Christian faith is your confession, not your self actualization." 

This statement literally stopped the air from moving in and out of my body and not in a good way. I thought, Oh my God, how repressing. I heard, "Let us focus on your faults. Let us have you focus on your faults instead of your Light and weaken your sense of self." Wow, that's not terrifying at all, that makes me want to run to the nearest church and sign up! (Please note the sarcasm) No "self-actualization?" That's like saying, to me anyways, "We don't want you to know who you are, so we can tell you who you are and you won't question us." That statement blew my mind, for a lack of a more eloquent description. This is in no way an attack on Christianity or this writer, just a statement that provoked thought within me, that will probably provoke conversation. It became apparent to me in that statement how easily it is to subconsciously create the very thing we are opposing or unknowingly separate ourselves. I recoiled from Christianity in that moment as if I had touched a hot stove. How are we to know God if we do not know ourselves? How are we to guide and serve others if we are still searching for ourselves? How are we to spread joy and truly feel God within our hearts if our hearts are surrounded by fear and guilt and shame? It's so simple, if God is Love, why aren't we focusing on that? Seeking to understand, seeking to connect and support our fellow humans? If God loves each and every one of us, then what are we trying to prove? 

With Grace & Gratitude...

A Continuation of Transformation

I continue to recite & remind myself... control your anger, restrain your impulses, & keep your faith firm.  That sentiment seems to cover the things which have been causing me the most suffering. I can see a difference in my life. Like the way Angie responds to me and operates within our relationship. She's more at ease. I am sleeping better, and my anxiety is lower.

Keep your faith firm.
I was asked twice by patients families in the last 2 days if I were a Christian. I felt pressured to verbalize my beliefs and explain my concept of God as I understand It which I often stumble and stammer over.  I look to connect others through the conversations of religion, spirituality, and God. Maybe if we focus on our commonalities instead of our differences we could cultivate more peace instead of anger and war.  The question being asked within the context of my job and my relationship with a dying person's family only enhanced my desire to connect instead of separate, while remaining true to myself.

The conversation went well. I told her that no I did not identify as a Christian, I believe there is truth in all religions, and I support whatever helps you to be a better person and bring good into the world.
In hindsight I guess could have just said I support religious freedom? Eh, that's more like half of it. Because it isn't just about religion, it's about spirituality. I support love, and all belief systems including that. After a few moments I shared with her that I personally do believe in God, I do pray, and I do believe there is life after this one. I offered her another nurse who she mentioned shared her belief system to come the rest of the weekend. She declined but later accepted my offer and that was perfectly fine with me. I did not take it personal, I wasn't angry. I arranged for spiritual care and made a request for the other nurse. The patient himself seems to be struggling with his belief system at this juncture in his life; the crossroads of life & death. And the family is seeking support in theirs. My job as a Hospice nurse & child of God  is to do what I can to create a peaceful transition, and if there is someone who can be of more assistance in this situation, it becomes my job to get them.

So in keeping my faith firm, I have been forced to verbalize and clarify my beliefs. To sit with them and review them. To go within my heart and see what feels right, and how I connect with God. Of course after being the very next day the exact same question, it became apparent that God want me to ponder some things, and I did. I realized it has been a VERY long time since I felt that overwhelming presence of God.  I miss that feeling. I found it most often in working with people who were suffering, who were struggling. People who were sitting at their bottom desperate for release and surrender was there only option. I felt God most often there, working miracles in their lives. Our lives. I was not excluded from this experience. It has been in the dark moments of my life I have felt God the strongest. The most fearful, but the most liberating. So now what? Now that my life has come into the Light, and the freedom and Love I have worked so hard for is here. Give thanks. Give back. Make a point to still connect with God through prayer & conversations.

I find it all so fascinating, the beliefs people have. I don't think any two of us share exactly the same set of beliefs, but we can find commonalities. We can seek to create harmony and inclusion instead of separateness. We've been fighting wars for years over who's right and who's wrong. Maybe it's time we took a different approach. Let's practice Love. They say that's what God is anyway. Maybe it really is that simple.

With Grace & Gratitude....

To Serve

A slow return to the lands of self-exploration. Of pulling yourself back together. The counter balance of falling together too much. This has always been my strength, my ability and willingness to go within. To seek a Higher Power, to seek a better solution, to work towards that. and to write it all out. Letting go & giving up, those things I struggle with. Although they too almost always have a place, and without them there would be no room for growth.

Some say relationships are mirrors. I'd agree. I'd also say they are magnifying glasses. They magnify any parts of ourselves, we have yet to heal. Somewhere along the journey of allowing myself to settle in to a long-term committed relationship, I lost my voice. I lost my muse. I lost fire for reaching deep within my soul & psyche and throwing it onto paper and laying it bare for the eyes of people, sometimes strangers, to see. Always, my belief system has been that we relate based on the intimate details we share about ourselves. We bond with other human beings when we find things in common, when we realize we have all walked a similar path at one time or another, and we have often fought a familiar fight. There is something beautiful in synchronicity, and if one person benefits from something I've written, then I have served.

We all serve differently. We all serve in different ways to different groups, deity's, goals, beliefs, ideals. I can serve the poor, while you serve the animals. She can serve our country, while he can serve fries. We serve something; and ultimately, I believe when serve the same thing.  I serve through my writing. Through being unconventionally open about my past, my thoughts, and feelings. My struggles and my triumphs. I serve through sharing my beliefs & experiences while being open to yours. I am not full of self-pity nor full of myself. My story is no better or worse than yours. But being here, does something for my soul. These stories, the stories we share about our lives, help the wisdom to be a little more tangible & the grace a little more gentle more attainable.

With Grace & Gratitude....

Sweetness

I'm a much more productive human being when I'm not on Facebook.

And when I say "not on Facebook" I mean... not even signed up, not even having an active profile. There's something about Facebook that distracts me from life. From myself, from things I need to cultivate within myself. I deactivated my account months ago and didn't look back until I realized that I still loved to blog, and Facebook happened to be my biggest fan. Where else was I going to post them?

I've spent the majority of my life looking for answers to the hard questions. The questions that may not have an answer. I've spent the last 6+ years searching for my own answers. Digging deep within my own psyche and cleaning out muck that had accumulated from all the years before. People are fascinating. I'm fascinating. I consider myself lucky to have this insatiable appetite to figure myself out, to grow, and evolve. I also consider myself lucky to have been part of so many others' similar journey. One of the big things I've learned is that we often subconsciously avoid our issues. Wonder why people show up in our lives when they do? Or do the things they do? Because people are mirrors. Always, constantly offering you the opportunity to look at yourself. I've also learned that when just before it breaks, it hurts the worst. It truly does seem "darkest before the dawn." You feel as if you cannot take much more. Anger, anxiety, & the urge to give way to the same old thing and stop fighting for something new seems so sweet it makes your mouth water. It's an illusion of freedom. We mistake that giving up for surrender. We mistake giving in for standing still but strong. The freedom comes from breaking the old habits, and letting them lie where they may. Of not only breaking the metaphorical chains, but not carrying around the metaphorically cuffs either. I've spent my life using drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and even Facebook to distract myself from growth. We all do it. My goal over the last 6 years has simply been to become more conscious, and sometimes yes, I'm a little too deep for some, and sometimes the rabbit hole seems to open up and swallow me whole. Sometimes I'm too deep for myself. But it is these places I find the most amazing things about life, about people, & about myself.

Don't be afraid to ask yourself the hard questions. To be honest, and ask others to do the same. We are so afraid of what we would learn about ourselves if God forbid, we sat in some silence. If we asked ourselves, "What is this person I cannot stand reflecting to me about myself?" "Who am I when I'm not being productive?" "What does enough feel like?" What if for JUST A MOMENT we slowly, step by step removed any thoughts of the past along with any feelings of how it should or should not have been; then take a breath and release thoughts and anticipation of the future, and simply sit with ourselves. If we ask yourselves what would it feel like, if just for a moment, I completely and totally accept my life as it is without any kind of desire for it to be any different... what would that feel like? That my friends is the sweetness that should make your mouth water.

With Grace & Gratitude...

What If

What if for just a moment, I became okay with everything as it is right now. What if I felt for just a moment that I struggled with nothing. Nothing. I did not struggle with compulsive over-eating, I did not struggle with letting the past go, I did not struggle with allowing myself to be happy. What would that be like? It becomes very quiet. When I let go of worry, a space opens inside of me that allows for manifestation to happen. It frees up tremendous energy to put towards other things, like my dreams, like connecting with my partner. It frees me up to feel the woman inside of me who doesn't really get the chance to shine. The woman who is confident, sure, able to make decisions and face the consequences of those decisions whether they be good or bad... face them and let them go. Someone who regrets nothing, but humble enough to admit when she is wrong, grieve for a moment and move foward. There is this woman inside of me that is closer to who I truly am than anything I've ever known. She moves confidently and gracefully. She feels her emotions but does not allow them to engulf her. I can feel her there. It's not about becoming anything, about changing or doing as much as it is about simply letting go. Feeling that space inside of you where there is peace, where there is strength. It's about allowing that space to open up and grow. Everything happens for a reason, even the good things. It's okay to have good things happen. To embrace my life as it is right now, because it is a good life. I deserve it. To let go of the struggle of finding reason to not fully enjoy this life as it is. I've accepted all the "bad" things in my life. Believing they have given way to something greater. Well, so have the good things. I wouldn't be here, if I were not suppose to be here.

Wounds

"It's not about the wounds from our past relationships, its about the wounds we are creating in each other in our current relationship and we need to figure out how to help the other one heal those wounds without our egos getting all worked up."

That might have been one of the most profound things I've ever said to my significant other. The goal, the mutual goal, should always be to help the other become the best version of themselves. That's why it's so important to mean what you say and be mindful with our words. It's okay to point out less than positive aspects of the other's personality but it must be done with love, with the intention of simply bringing it to the others attention. Maybe they will reflect on that, maybe they won't. That is not of our concern. But if it is re-iterated that our mutual understanding is to always help the other person be a better version of themselves, then that will allow each person to listen a little more intently and be a little less defensive. As always, the change begins with us. You get what you give. It's about giving anyway. If we stayed concerned with what we are or are not getting out of our relationships, we are missing the whole point. So, it begins with me. Be the change. Right? Yes. In those moments though, sometimes all you can do is breathe. Keep breathing and keep listening. In the grand scheme of things its about loving, giving, growing, and being true to yourself all in the same boat. Life has always been about learning. What are the principles you live your relationship by? What questions can we ask ourselves to get the most out of where we are right now? What is being presented as an opportunity to learn? In what ways are we being loving? In what ways are our egos blocking the possibility of growth? Are we being true to ourselves here while being kind? And might it be true that it is more difficult to apply these principles the closer we are to someone, although you would thing it would be the other way around?

As I get older I realize, you have no where to run. Any advice you receive simply brings you inward, back to your own, back to yourself to that part of you that does not belong to you. It is part of something greater. There is no such thing as advice. Don't ask what you should do, ask what they have done in similar situations. It is shared experience. Take what works for you and leave the rest. We are all teachers; we are all students.

With Grace & Gratitude...

It's Never About the Bread

I didn't eat the bread.

Although that may seem insignificant, it's not. I've spent the last year and a half figuring out what works for me now. Waiting to feel that peace again within myself in regards to my relationship to food. Because it changed when I got here. It has been a challenge for me to continue loosing weight since two of my meals usually include the consideration of another person. Another person who doesn't necessarily eat the same kinds of foods I do. It has been a challenge to find that balance again. I've felt helpless without a cardio partner who was willing to hit the gym last minute at all hours of the night and without high-intensity interval workouts at a private gym. But I have 65lbs to loose, and I will finally be at goal weight, and I want that for myself. I've worked extremely hard to get where I am, and the last year and a half has simply been a different kind of struggle.  But today, I didn't eat the garlic bread. They say it's about small breakthroughs. And that's what it felt like. I ate at least 600 calories in chocolate today, I haven't been to the gym in 5 days, and I haven't lifted weights in 6 weeks. But when I sat down to dinner I made a decision to not eat the garlic bread, I didn't go back for seconds, I had a salad as my side AND my portion was small. I didn't continue to sabotage my efforts. A shift. I didn't realize ANY of this until about 20 min ago. I couldn't help but to smile, to feel gratitude & happiness. It felt like forgiveness. Like I had let go of my expectations, of the past, of clinging to the old ways of what worked but weren't here now, to work with. For the first time in months, I felt a sense of freedom. Like the obsession was lifted, again... finally. Spirit has been working over-time in y life lately, or maybe I'm just taking the time to notice. Whichever the case, I am grateful.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Life & Death

"God is doing some serious recruitment this week....." - A friend's status update.

He sure is. I spent most of the last few days contemplating life and death. Actually it's probably been more about 2 weeks. I'm a hospice nurse. You can't do this day in and day out without really beginning to ask the deeper questions. What do I really believe about the afterlife? What haven't I seen? What am I afraid to see? And what do I know for sure? If anything. I watched a dear friend's body get laid to rest today, she was the oldest best friend I ever knew. She was 90 and taught me a tremendous amount about love & life. She was one of the few people in the world whom I felt truly knew me, could see past any façade I may have been holding up and loved me unconditionally. I adored her. I sobbed at her funeral and had to remind myself to just breathe.

I knew for over a week her time was coming very soon, I could feel it. The universe sent me numerous times. I had been wanting to go to see her where she lived two hours away for a year and a half and always had excuses. But today, all of a sudden, I found the time. I found the time to come to her funeral. What did that do for her? Who are funerals for anyway? They are for us. I felt guilt for not coming to see her. I needed closure, I wanted to say goodbye... and all of a sudden, I had the time, the gas money, and the willingness.... Selfishness. I'll take this as a lesson learned. Forgive myself and make some changes.

Then I visited Shauna. As reflective as I have been about life & death, I had to go see her. I stood in the cemetery and suddenly felt at a loss for words. Then I heard her say that I get so caught up in the feelings, the emotions, the pain. I focus so much on the sadness & the loss that I miss certain things. That I block myself from seeing things that I really want to see. Like the other side. I've been communicating with the other side for several years now, but there are certain aspects, I know I'm missing. Certain things I want to see and know, that I don't allow myself too. I've often wondered if it's fear, but it doesn't feel like fear. I asked Shauna about it today and she told me that I had it backwards. I've always needed to see to believe, when really I need to believe to see, and I had doubt. She said belief was very simple, it was a choice. I asked her, then what do I tell people when they ask why I believe what I believe? And she said to tell them because I choose too, because choosing too believe makes me a happy, it brings me peace, and helps me be a better person.

That concept has been a pillar in my belief system for yearssss. How do we know what is true, and what isn't? If everybody is right, how can there be such difference? Who cares if what we believe really is true? It's true for us isn't it? Does it make us better people? Does it bring positive service to the world in some way? What we believe is true... is. What we believe will work for us... will. I believe these things, because they resonate in my heart. But when it comes to life after this, I've read books. I've heard other people's beliefs, but somewhere inside of me, there is doubt. More like indecision, because I don't know what to believe. What does happen after we die? I don't know. I've seen bits and pieces. There are a few things I understand. I stood in the cemetery today and asked Shauna, "how do I know I'm really talking to you anyway? How do I know this isn't my imagination?" Her response... "There is your doubt, your indecision. Your choice." What if I wasn't really talking to her? What if it was just my imagination? Would it matter? If it was enough to get me here... contemplating life, death, and understanding God a little more deeply, then what fault has been made? I choose to believe it she was there today. Why? Because I want to see. Because believing it was her, opens my heart a little more. And the world can always use a few more open hearts.

Maybe it's not about what we believe happens or doesn't happen, or how we get there. Maybe none of that matters at all. Just our belief that it is okay to go, and that in some shape or form, love is waiting.

With Grace &Gratitude...

With Grace

For those of you who don't know, I'm a Hospice nurse. And although I said this is were I'd be at the end of my career, God had another plan. Last winter I had the son of a patient who had just taken her last breath ask me, "How do you do this work day in and day out?" without thought or hesitation I said, "with grace." The response alone shifted something inside of me, as if it didn't even come from me. It was absolutely true, and I knew it.

That is how I do this work, day in and day out. I really do love it. There is something beautiful about being there for someone or multiple someones during such a delicate time. Grace implies fluidity, calm, and simply being present. With that being said... the other night I had a patient that required visits every 2 hours. He was 30 minutes from my house, so it seemed pointless to drive back and forth. 30 minutes in the visit, 30 minutes home, that's only 30 min at home until I needed to drive back. Not gonna lie, I bitched. I spent the first few hours of my shift dreading & bitching. I wasn't going to get ANY sleep! Can't we break the visits up with someone else? What am I going to do between visits? Not much grace in that. Between 12:30 and 7:30am I spent all but about an hour with that family. I sat next to his bed, listening to him breathe, which was the only thing he was doing at this point, and watched a movie with his daughter. I gave his medicine every hour on the dot, then every 30 min. His 80 year old wife was finally asleep after 3 days of being at his bedside, and I sat there in the stillness waiting to know when to wake her so she could be there when he took his last breath. Fifty minutes after something nudged me and said it was time, she held her husband as he did just that with their children and his brother beside him. Sometimes, you can't help but to cry with them. It changes you. 

It never fails, when you are exactly where God wants you to be, you have everything you need. I wasn't tired, I wasn't anxious or trying to leave, and I wasn't even remotely bitter for having to be there. I wanted to be there. The families are always so very grateful. It's obvious that you have helped ease their pain in some way. I've always said I do my best work here, at the end of their life. Where the two worlds meet. Where someone in my care lingers between life and death and their loved ones are caught in the middle. It is here that nothing but grace flows through me and I simply serve. What an honor to be part of such an intimate moment in someone's journey.

To those moments when you know you are exactly where you are suppose to be and posses the willingness to be there. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

The Sacred Union & The Queen of the Light

... those are the cards I pulled today.

I've been pulling cards more so lately. A remembering of how much I enjoy and need my daily dose of spirituality. Time to ground & connect. Even if only for a very short time. The cards went on to say that I am on the right path and rewards for my perseverance and willingness to learn where on there way. My focus for today was to be grateful & accepting. I can do that. I'm always a student; I am always learning. We all are, although some of us fight the role of student as if it has some demeaning context, insinuates that we are ignorant in some fashion, or denotes a dependence of which some of us struggle. Perception. I find myself to be the most humble & most open when I welcome the energy of the student. I'm calm. Teacher & student role occur simultaneously; you cannot be one without the other. We naturally & often unconsciously go out and teach what we have learned. The Sacred Union. An alliance of Heaven & earth, of partnership, of relationships of all kinds. The Union of the Divine & human; the masculine & feminine. My focus with this card is to be aware of the gifts bestowed upon me through the partnerships that have come to be in my life. I can do that also.

I was part of a healing session today. A lady who got in touch with me saying I was "highly recommended" and asked about what I charge. She was told I sometimes do "love-offerings" which are not always monetary. They can be, and it's whatever the person is able to give, but it doesn't have to be. After her session today, I decided, love-offering is what I will always charge. I am blessed with a well-paying job I love, and hours that love me. What more could I ask for? I was given the gift of healing. If I want more love in the world, I need to do things that cultivate that. Love offerings. That's what I charge, all the time.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Inspired

"To the extent that the person you were will effect who you are; it already has."

If that doesn't make sense, which it may not... let me break it down for you. I told that to a very dear who had been sober for somewhere around 6 years, I think I little longer. Someone who also felt the draw to remove themselves from the traditional 12 step programs and live her life, taking what she learned and left. I can relate to that. The thing about her though, is she done the work. She did. Some people can be in that program for 15 years, and still never do the work, the real work. The work that is required to make a radical change in who you are and the life that you are living. They will find themselves continuously re-living in the past in the name of "never forgetting your last drunk or your doomed to re-peat it" mindset. Don't get me wrong, the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous had a dramatic positive impact on my life, but when it was done, it was done. It had served its purpose, and like my friend... I walked away. I went against the grain. We both went against the grain. And when our worlds didn't collapse, when we weren't found in a drunken stupor begging for help and forgiveness having exploded and taken out everyone around us... it challenged everything so many had been taught about "the program." And it scares them. To the extent that the person you were will effect who you are; it already has simply means, yes, the person she was has shaped her into the person she is now, but in a good way. She has done the work to re-balance that, to counter-act that if you will. That person, who she was, has already created the change within her it was suppose to, and she can let it go now. She can root completely in the person she is now, and move forward. And as always, with gratitude.

THESE are one of the kinds of people who truly inspire me. People who change. Who come like a Phoenix from the flames. Those who trust enough to step out on faith. To take chances. To risk everything they ever believed to be true about their life, for the possibility, that they can live the life they've always dreamt of living. Those who do things even though they are afraid, who burst in the darkest parts of who they are with a willingness and readiness to not leave until all is Light. People who beat the odds, and not because they set out to do so, but because they remained true to themselves. I admire these people and so grateful to  be able to call many of them friends.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Change Being The Only Option

My desire to write is not letting me sleep. I've been arguing with myself for 2 hours about writing. What the hell was I suppose to be writing about anyway?!  I do love to write. Writing forces me to think about what I'm about to say, and offers me the opportunity to backspace when I've said too much. Then sometimes I get lost, I just get out of the way and type with little knowledge of what I'm saying until it's time to proof-read. I often find inspiration in reading what others write, and hope to give that to those who read my words. So here I am,  like... now what? There are several little things I've thought about today but nothing extraordinary to write down. Here's what I almost wrote about earlier...

Svadhyaya, a Sanskrit word for self study. The active pursuit & intention of knowing yourself more through whichever avenue you feel teaches you most about yourself. For me, it's yoga, it's training, it's the relationships I have with the people in my life. Self-reflection is my forte. I live a constant journey of self-discovery. That statement alone makes me ask myself the question... "Is that selfish?" < And there it is... Svadhyaya. I think the quest to understand for the human mind is primitive. The word I REALLY want to use here is eluding me, and I refuse to spend waste anytime searching for it. I just want to write whatever the fuck I'm suppose to write, so I can go back to sleep. The human desire to understand is like my cat's desire to chase a string when it goes by. I've always been a seeker. I've always been a writer, a healer, & a teacher. That's what I do. That's what resonates in my heart. The passions I have for those five things have made this journey that is my life colorful, extreme, deep, & never boring. I chose this. I want this. This life of seeking, writing, healing, & teaching. The amount of change transpiring in my life is equivalent to the amount of change experienced when I left Michigan, got sober, & left AA. It's the magnitude of all of those together, that drastic, that intense. With every one of those I was terrified. I begged God to hold my hand. I told him I was terrified, but propelled by a force radiating from me of which I have never fully understood. I try, I call that force God, the Universe, the Divine, whatever comes to my first in that moment. But I think it's even more than that, if that makes sense. My point is, I'm not scared this time. There is nothing to fear. The new life is ALWAYS better than the old, once we let go. Let go of the fear. Once we no longer fear it, we just trust it. Trust the process, trust God, trust ourselves. That has been my mantra for several weeks... "I trust God, I trust myself" I trust God to lead me, because I feel absolutely blind right now, blind, deaf, and MOVING. At such a rapid pace all I can do is remember to breathe. I trust myself to accurately interpret & follow any guidance I receive. There isn't even a "holding on" .... it's that shock of wow, okay.. um... well... yeah... when there is not time to react, no time to judge, no time to ask questions. I'm reminded multiple times a day by the number 55, on clocks, billboards, telephone numbers, license plates to "Buckle my seat belt, as you're going through (or about to go through) a major positive life change. It's time to let go of that which is no longer working, and allow it to be healed or replaced with something better." I'm ready. That's the only thought that goes through my mind. I don't have to beg God to hold my hand or not to leave my side, because now I understand & trust that's not even possible.  Because I am part of God, I'm part of the whole, we are the whole. There aren't even really parts. It's just one. One energy. One thing. One whatever you want to call it. I said it before & I'll say it again, "Our belief we are separate from one another, is nothing but a big cosmic joke.. and the joke's on us."

There is purging. There is a severing of ties, of relationships. There is connection. There is death, decay, fertilization, gestation, and rebirth. There is  is now Light shining upon aspects of my self I wasn't able to see before. The last bit of a life that is no longer working. That no longer serves the greater purpose of humanity. It's time to stop gathering information; It's time for action, and it's so strong the moment you stop and try to pick something up you find it just outside your reach, then out of sight. Time to stop reflecting on what was, what has been, and what we are gonna do with that, but instead to reflect on what is, right now, and what can be done through us, as we are. Almost as if our active participation isn't even required anymore to dig deep and discover who we really are. The momentum of change is so great, the shit is just rising to the surface, it's becoming blatantly apparent and any attempts at ignoring that, are excruciating.  All that is required of us is surrender, as if that is the only option. To let it happen. To be ready for wherever we end up. This is where I'm at. There are some who have been here, and others that will be. One thing cannot change wihout everything else changing too. And this is where we are all at... in the midst of great change.

With Grace & Gratitude...

My "Secret"

"What's your secret?"

I swear, I laugh EVERY TIME someone asks me that question. THERE IS NO SECRET. You know what you need to do do loose weight, you just aren't doing it. I've given lots of thought the last few days to the transformation I've undergone during the loosing of 94 lbs. To say my "weight loss" would be an understatement. Because although initially weight loss was my goal, it slowly became a simple by-product of change, one of many. Internal & external. You know those moments when you say something and you realize HOLY shit, I've changed. That happened to me the other day. I friend asked me if "my trainer could whip her into shape by July" and my response was "Sure, how hard are you willing to work?" And I was dead serious. That statement, came from a place inside of my psyche cultivated by the station and those who help make it what it is. I get cocky sometimes, like right now... I'm a little in cocky mode. But you know what? I deserve to be a little cocky every now and then. I worked hard. I pushed through the fear & the pain, I faced demons I never knew I had. I've cried, I've laid on the floor giving all I had just to catch my breath. I've humbly admitted yes... I could have pushed harder, and during a five month period found myself battling an eating disorder. I've tended wounds on my body for weeks because I wanted to see if I could do it & gotten so pissed at myself because my body was desperately trying to give out, and I wasn't ready to. There are people at the station I feel are stronger, more willing, and push harder than I do. People I feel I don't even deserve to be in the same workout group with. But there is something to be said about being aware & surrounded by people who are stronger, more willing, and push harder. They help you make you better, and no that was not a typo. Even though, who you are right now is perfect, and exactly who you should be... tomorrow is a different day. Be a different you. There is no end. There is no finish line. 

I guess it is here I will do my little venting paragraph which I've never done, and seems goes against my Buddhist nature. But here goes... I believe all paths in life are truly individualized, and the weight loss journey is no different. But when you go have gastric bypass surgery, don't fucking talk to me about weight loss like we are in this together. fuck you. Don't talk to me like you can relate to the depth of change I've undergone and what a struggle it's been. You're stomach can physically not hold the same amount of  food it used too, so little in fact... you must consume supplements to meet your daily nutritional needs. OF COURSE you are going to loose weight! fuck you. When you've watched other addictions in your life go out of control, or your weight has come back because you never dealt with the underlying issue as to why you were overweight in the first place!?!?! COME SEE ME. Until then, I don't give a fuck about what you ate or didn't eat today or whether or not your going to the gym too. Because we have nothing to talk about. 

My secret? Well, if you want to call it that, here it is. I wouldn't have wanted it ANY. OTHER. WAY....

I made a decision I was willing to do whatever it took to loose weight. I addressed it on all levels...the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I found what worked for me, but not without finding out what didn't. I never gave up on the bigger picture. I didn't put a time line on when I'd loose x amount of weight. I saw ONE number, my goal weight and didn't share it with anyone for a VERY long time. Two and a half years later, I think there are five people who know what that number is. In the beginning, I prayed. I asked God to show me why I was overweight and asked for help. I trusted the perfect people would come into my life at the perfect time, and they did. Early on, I kept a food journal  without counting the calories, it helped me become aware of how much I was eating without overwhelming me. I walked everyday for 30 minutes, that's all I could talk myself into doing and even that was a struggle. I saw a personal trainer once a week. I did my best to cut back on how much food I was eating, and make better choices. I gained 12lbs back over the first holiday season! But I refused to stop, I just kept going. To stop was guaranteed failure, at least if I kept going I had a chance. Eventually, I used my "weaknesses" to my advantage. I worked hard, real fucking hard. I got a different trainer, and decided to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues. I took hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & yoga. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous, and read three books that changed my life and my relationship with food. (Women, Food, and God. The Yoga of Eating. & A Course In Weight Loss.) I got to know myself & my body. I  learned to trust myself. I asked my body what IT needed and gave it that. Guess what? I'm not on a fucking diet. I've never been on a fucking diet. I eat whatever I really want. But I ask myself... is it worth it? How bad do I REALLY want this? Do I really want it at all? And you know what, when I eat it, I enjoy that shit. Every bite, because it doesn't come without a price. Periodically I will keep a food journal on myfitnesspal.com to keep me conscious of what I'm eating Funny thing is... in not denying myself anything, and listening to my body it has naturally created aversions to certain foods. Most often, I don't even want the shit that's bad for me! But it took me almost two years to get to that point, and it still happens every now and then. It took patience & grace. It took willingness. A willingness to feel all the pain I had been eating away for years. A willingness to trust other people and myself. I seriously, could go on for what could constitute an entire book. Right now, I'm still not on a diet and I work out, do yoga, & train because I love it. I'm still finding what works for me, and if it stops working, I change it. This is my life. I eat less and better, because it's a habit. Because it feels good. Because I eat what my body wants. I finally love myself & my body enough today to want to be good to it. Anything less is unacceptable. Because I've addressed (and still addressing) the underlying issues as to why I was overweight in the first place, God's grace, and a moment of pure willingness to do whatever it took... I've lost 94lbs in two and a half years. It wasn't quick. I wasn't easy. But it was worth it and I'm better for it. 

With Grace & Gratitude....

Dottie

Where Does It Really Hurt?

Where to begin? There are so many thoughts & feelings I wish to express right now that seem so difficult to just that.  I want to cry, but feel as if it would be not entirely authentic. As if doing so is just one of my desperate attempts at release. God, please help me to release whatever block this is nestling in my throat chakra. Because that's where it is. Nestled beautifully between the top of my shoulders and bottom of my years, feels like I have one of those set of neck rings they were in some of those African Tribes. This imbalance is expressing itself as neck and ear pain, hearing is muffled and my ears won't seem to "pop". The muscles and tendons are so tight, I can feel them pull & crack my upper ribs when I move my head. My voice sounds nasally as if every sentence requires a very clear thought pattern before it is expressed. Needing my full attention. I can see how this would be beneficial to me and others. I tend to ramble, and not fully formulate a thought before I begin to say it, causing my words and directions to be unclear. Having a tendency to say yes or okay without every comprehending what the other person is saying. Feels I'm being forced to take the time to fully formulate my thought & intention before I speak and to give my full attention to another as they speak. A beneficial lesson to learn, one of which I am willing. A sense of grace & gratitude are welling up inside of me.

The Lesson here:
   Listen to your body as an avenue of knowing yourself more. Instead of numbing the pain and discomfort with something to alleviate the "symptoms"; find the source. Instead of bogging down these physical manifestations we call symptoms with medications, which only work temporarily and allow it to surface later with even greater vengeance... let it surface NOW. Allow it to fully play itself out, and tell you something, FEEL IT. Guess what? A little discomfort won't kill you, but your attempts at escaping that discomfort just might. So, do things that will facilitate a "letting it run it's course" kind of thing. Drink some tea, breath deep, REST, drink double the water you normally would, eliminate junk for for a few days. Be gentle with yourself, love yourself as you would love your dearest friend if they were "sick."  Any level of discomfort is simply a beckoning that something is ready and in need of change. I asked myself, what in my life? In my thoughts & emotions, was in need of change? Why was physical discomfort manifesting? What was it trying to tell me? And I think I got my answer in the paragraph above... Feels I'm being forced to take the time to fully formulate my thought & intention before I speak and to give my full attention to another as they speak. Fascinating. Often, we wait until a slight discomfort becomes an intolerable pain before we embark on change. Most believe it to be scary. And well, it can be when we've come to rely solely on ourselves, what we think we know, and how we think things are going to be. But when you have mustered up enough trust, change seems less scary. You become willing, at the first signs of discomfort. You listen sooner, so you don't have to be brought to your knees to open your ears.

With grace & gratitude...

Nothing That Turned Into Something

I can't sleep, for no other reason than I'm just not tired yet. Amos Lee's Violin just came on Pandora <3. Melt my heart why don't ya? I've had difficulty writing the last few days. There's a lot going on inside of me. Growth, healing, change. It's beautiful. But I find myself speechless about it, wanting to savor it. Less focused on me and my life. When the thought to write comes I'd like to make it more general and uplifting instead of this is what happened to me... and yada yada ya. Like instead of going into detail about the circumstances in my life which are bringing me to surrender, how these specific thoughts are coming and going, and how I'm dealing with them; I wanted to make it more general. Take "me" out of the equation a little more, but still provide the words of inspiration and guidance. Guess this is part of the shift, actually, I'm sure of it. I'm becoming acutely aware at the amount of change that has taken place within me and around me. It has stopped me in my tracks in sheer awe too many times to count the last couple weeks. Now that I'm here, I'm not sure what to say. Thinking if I just start, this just might be one of the longest blogs I've ever written, and have very little direction or a clear point, but it will be open, flowing & honest. It will be a peak into this heart of mine made possible by what can be a false sense of intimacy that is this blog. I sat in my kitchen today and thought, I'm much quieter than I've ever admitted too, or allowed myself to be. Stillness has become one of my favorite places to be, and so much of that which I experience during that stillness has become so sacred, I've lost the desire to share it in the usual fashion.


What do I want to see more of in the world? A question I've been asking myself everyday for the last several days. Whatever it is, BE THAT. We are vessels, bringing into the world whatever we choose. Whatever we feel, think, and create in that moment. Every time I choose forgiveness, peace, patience, etc... I'm bring that into the world through me. I think this is what Ghandi meant when he said "Be the change you wish to see in the world"  Want peace? Be peaceful. Want Love? Give love. So simple. What do you think the world needs more of? Justice? Understanding? Compassion... then BE that & GIVE that. I also think mother Theresa was right on Ghandi's heels with, "I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there." She's being the change. Attending an anti-war rally and getting angry and "fighting" war... is still fighting. Want peace? Be peace. Have a peace rally! What are you choosing to focus on RIGHT NOW? Another question, written on an index card next to my computer as a reminder that what I'm focusing on RIGHT NOW is being re-created. It's a chance for me to become aware, ask myself, is this something I want more of in my life? In the world? And if not... choose again. Choose to be the vessel I already am, and bring the change I wish to see into the world. Choice. So simple. It's impossible to think about two separate things at once, and it takes practice to hold that positive thought for more than a fleeting second, especially if you've spent your entire life bathing in worry & fear in your own mind, like I have.... but it's okay. You can start, RIGHT NOW. And practice. This practice will teach you far more than what you will have initially thought or sought after. You will learn things about yourself you never new existed, and may even meet yourself for the first time, ever. What am I focusing on right now? Joy. A deep cleansing breath.... and nothing. There will come a point when there is no thought, just a feeling. A vibration that seems to move through you. You can't necessarily name it, but it's good, and you know the world needs it... so you just let it be. There will come a time, when being ANYWHERE but right here, in this moment will be utterly exhausting and intolerable. A weird phrase I've been reciting as a reminder for myself is "Don't do, get moved through." Meaning... stop doing... let things move through you. And yes, sometimes when things are moving through you, you get carried along with and take action, guided action. The kind of action that is steady and a tad illusive, as if you're NOT entirely sure why you are doing what your doing, but you KNOW its okay.

Every thought is planting a seed, which will grow later. Every experience you create in your mind, will create in your life.  The "outside" is simply a reflection of what's "inside." What do you see? Use your life as a road map back in, to yourself. What are you creating? Because yes, you are creating... every single bit of it. Each moment will replicate itself. Watch, listen, & feel... create moments, you wish to be replicated. Everything I do to you or for you, I'm doing to and for myself and everyone else. Our belief we are separate from one another, is nothing but a big cosmic joke.. and the joke's on us.

Listen.

Love & Light,
Dottie

The Void

      For once in my life, a void set in and I didn't make on attempt to fill it.  I thought of all the ways I COULD have filled it eating, pof-ing (for those who don't know what that is, it's an online dating site that is one of my most favorite distractions), drinking, contacting people I had no business contacting.... all of which would have only created more chaos.

       A deep knowingness came over me that this void had a purpose, as with all voids.  Voids create a vacuum effect, it makes space for something new. It is an inkling that something is coming, maybe we should pay more attention, be ready, be open, be grateful. It is NOT our job to fill those voids < that was the clearest of all. It was not my job to fill that void.  Whew, what a fucking relief. It's the universes job to fill that void, and filled it will be. It always is. Without fail, every void we've ever felt has been filled. Sometimes we fill it with stuff that doesn't belong there, thus the feeling of something missing... because we don't know exactly what goes there.... we just don't like it being there so we'll put anything in that hole... drugs, food, sex, gambling, pills, shopping, etc. We are terrified of that empty space inside of us, as if it is going to completely swallow us up, and we are going to die. So, when that void hits, we search for anything to fill it.

     This void has been there since somewhere around 4 days ago. I simply stated, I feel a void. I just keep sitting with it, breathing with it, feeling excitement that something is coming. Maybe it's grace, maybe its growth, maybe its someone or something. Maybe I won't even realize it when it gets here, maybe I'm not suppose to know when it gets filled.... Slowly, and not-so-painfully anymore, I'm realizing that it's okay to not know. My frustrations come from my attempts at trying to figure all the shit out. My confusion comes from my own mind. My suffering comes from my constant grappling at WHATEVER only to find it's just out of my reach or won't fit anyway. Searching for something insinuates movement, when really... what I'm needing is a sacred stillness. How often do we run exhausting every option, thought, searching for answers, seeking for whatever only to find ourselves exhausted and falling into sacred stillness anyway. When we have nothing left and we collapse whether emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?

Voids won't kill us, our attempts at filling them just might though. It's not our job to fill those voids, our job is to acknowledge it and let it be there, let it serve it's purpose... and no, we don't have to know what that is...

Love & Light
Dottie

The Decision

    I'm so happy & relieved right now I can't stop smiling.  I finally made the decision to go home tomorrow. I'm going through with my plans to go to Huntsville to see my Dad and Katie, and then leaving from there and heading back to MI to an empty house. The mere thought of that allows a sense of peace to swell and take over my entire being. FINALLY, is the only thought that comes to mind.  Me time; time to regroup & reflect. To be with this transition stage of my life. Since roughly the 5th of August my life has been in GO mode. Between adjusting my life to make room for a new relationship, cramming in last minute conicals, preparing for graduation, and studying for Kaplan & Med Surg all while doing my best to maintain some sort of balance... I've yet to feel the excitement and relief of graduating because I've not stopped going. The family coming in added stress, then coming down sooner than I wanted too didn't help. What i wanted to do was take a couple days to re-group, do some yoga, work out, and get my NCLEX shit sent off, but instead I felt obligated to keep my word that I would come down on Sunday. I'm so ready to go home. I don't mind change, I welcome it although I have my fear moments, and have to consciously come back to myself & my body to center and reground myself.
     
    I spent the first few days crying, angry, and not accepting things as they were. I wanted to be home,  I wanted my mother to not  be in pain, and my brother to get more out of life; mixed with a thousand other things like not  sleeping with 3 tv's going, having starbucks less than an hour away, or not having a clue where my phone charger was blah, blah, blah.  Being around all the smoke and noise was reeking havoc on my energy level & serenity. I see so much pain, suffering, and addict/co-dependent tendencies here it terrifies me.  Where does the fear come from? What scares me about it? That I may get sucked back in. That these habits will only lead to more suffering for people I love so dearly and there is nothing I can do about it. I understand that. So why expose myself to something so painful? I described it as watching a baby die from  cancer. That's how I felt. Like I was helpless, powerless, & my presence was merely another energy source for anger and fear to bread. I didn't want to fuel this fire, and I wanted out. I kept saying, "I feel like I'm running from something" which usually prompts me to sit with it, feel it, stand strong and dig deep. What are these feelings trying to tell me? Then I was told that sometimes when we become aware we are not strong enough at that moment, in that situation it's okay to honor ourselves enough to walk away, not run, but walk. Walk with confidence & Love. This statment solidfied my thoughts I've been having over the last several months abotu discernment and how sometimes we ARE suppose to stand strong, sit with it, feel it, and intiate change... other times it's about surrender, acceptance, and letting go.

     I'm so grateful for the growth I have experienced because when these emotions hit like an MMA fighter punching me in the chest I sought refuge in my spirituality & nature. To say I did  not have thoughts of indulging in old/self sabotaging behaviors would be a lie, I had them, but they were fleeting. Knowing, when I was done I'd be right back here,but with more shit to sift through. Instead, I reached out for help from ppl I knew would only pour Love into this situation. Not fear, not blame, not anger. Just love and reassurance that it's okay, this isn't where I belong anymore, and this isn't who I am, and really it's okay. It's okay to feel sadness when suffering is present, it doesn't have to become you or consume you.  It's okay to be felt. There have been so many little tid bits of spirituality pop up at the most appropriate times, helping me to sink deeper into the acceptance of my desires, fears, and reality as it was. Gentle reminders that if I can't remain true to myself in choosing not to indulge in gossip or blame it's okay to walk away. It has been my practice to not relate to people in affirming pain, loss, scarcity, etc.  It has been my practice to relate to them in life affirming conversations about their strengths, choices, growth, deep life changing conversations of allowing what doesn't work to surface and move on. < This is the life I've chosen to live.

    I do feel there could be more acceptance on my part of the life they have chosen to live. Reaching for outward solutions to inward problems, becoming accustomed to struggle and sacrifice. Denial, excuses, rationalizing. It's so strong it makes me want to vomit. Like the very energy itself is toxic to who I am. Fight or flight kicks in without thought. Then somewhere, underneath it all, something reminds me to breathe.  That's it. It's that simple I breathe. Re-connect with who I am, and not with who I was or with their beliefs of fear, struggle, and scarcity. Beliefs that they never have enough of anything, everything is painful physically & mentally, and this is all there is. I know differently, but that's where the denial, excuses, and rationalizing come in. But this is the life they have chosen to live, who am I to ask for acceptance of my life if I cannot grant acceptance of theirs? So what does that mean? It means surrendering, letting go of expectations and desires despite how "good" I think they are for them. If they are totally unaware of thier own pain and suffering and truly believe they are happy, who am I to bring some shit to the surface ripping apart what happiness they DO have? Not everyone wants to live a life of self-discovery. Some are totally happy where they are, kudos to them. That within itself is a beautiful lesson for me.

     "We must learn to transcend our own views." < a statement I read this week from "If the buddha got stuck." I've spent the last few days stirring up that metaphorically bucket. That five gallon bucket of water with mudd caked on the bottom. While digging deep and cleaning out that mudd, the water is going to get a little dirty. It's going to temporarily cloud some things, and require some patience on my part for it to resettle. But when it does, there will be less muck, I will be more clear, and there will be more room for new.

Love & Light,
Dottie

A Step Closer to Surrender

"You're not too tired, you haven't given it up yet. You're still fighting."

Somewhere along the line here, I've placed my God in my box of things I can use to help me create my life the way I think it should go, the way I want it to go. Logically knowing God has all power, I do not, and I need him. But apparently I don't trust him, and treat God as if he is just some tool I could use if I needed him. Just hanging out in my little tool box. That's not where I want him to be. If I trusted him I wouldn't be asking repeatedly and looking for signs to assure me that he's carried out MY will. Nor would I get angry because he hasn't carried out my will .As I was walking out of Denny's the other day I had a thought of going to a meeting which had been very repetitive lately so I asked Spirit, why do I need to go to meetings, and I heard "To remind you that you are not God." WOW. I then thought of the book I bought before I went into rehab called, "The Last Addiction" The last addiction is letting go of the notion we can do it ourselves, and that's exacty what I've been doing. God has always used my ego to take me where I needed to go because he knew that I would respond so much quicker. I went into nursing because a teacher told me I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, not because I felt it was my calling. I went into rehab because I wanted the attention, not because I really thought I needed it. There are only so many times I'm going to be able to talk myself out of a drink, out of picking up that knife, binging and purging that food, or indulging in unhealthy relationships.

"Lord..... Protect me from the impetuous desires of my nature- to eat and drink to much,to offer grandiose promises,to be careless with my resources: money, time, and energy, emotional, physical, spiritual. Take away my fear of what is real. Teach me to recognize your greatest gift to me, the wholeness of myself, hold me in your light, so that I can see myself as you see me. Amen"

Someone posted that on the wall of The Mid about a month ago and those words have floated around in my head ever since. I was just going to type that I wanted to rephrase it. As if that just doesn't quite fit me. How dare I just accept something as is? Control much? Hmph. Yeah, I do. I try to anyways, and you see how that's working out for me. I'm frustrated and exahusted. I watch my time and energy wasted on things that haven't happened and probably won't happen. Rarely, if ever do I live in the moment. Nor do I live in the past or present. I often live in some other place, Dottie's world apparently. Where I always say the things I wanted to say, things happening just the way I want, and I pick apart a million possible ways something MIGHT happen along with a mental list of how I would react just incase, and fears. Let's not forget the fears, I get to expeirence fear of things that haven't happened and most likely will not all while being terrified of re-living the fears I have actually expierienced.

So what am I going to do? Well, actively putting a plan together to rid myself of this place which I am right now, which is exactly where I'm suppose to be or God wouldn't have me here, would be once again feeding my insatiable desire to control my life. I've been asking God "What else do you want me to do." Then I'm usually crying to hard to hear him, then I get pissed because one he hasn't answered me and two I wanted it yesterday, so he's already behind schedule. It's okay, you can laugh it is funny, sad, but funny. It's time I get out of my head, and into my heart. They say, and I believe this, that God is within each of us, God is Love, and Love comes from our heart center. Well, since I discovered some time ago that you cannot control your emtions I opted not to feel any, at all. I shut it all down. I jumped RIGHT the fuck out of my heart, because thoughts I can control, emotions I cannot. It is no surprise that anger had become my dominant emotion and God is in a box alon with a hundred other "tools" I can use if I feel like I need them, not the all powerful, all loving Creator that I have absolutely zero control over.

So again, what am I going to do? Obviously that was everything I'm not going to do. I'm going to pay close attention to how I feel about everything. I'm going to do, not think. I'm going to sit in my meditation and just feel whatever it is I feel. My morning prayers will consist of "God, what do you want me to do today"  and silence. I'm going to gently remind myelf it's okay to not know everything, and that it has been only by God's grace I've not climbed back into that bottle wrapped with beautiful, invisible bows of self-destruction and self-sabotoging.

Thank you God.

Dottie

The Life I've Chosen To Live

"Is this in alignment with the life I've chosen to Live?"

I question I heard on the way home from Mt. Clemens.  Within that question a knowningness.  I knew that question was one to ask myself on a daily basis, a moment to moment basis.  Every action, inaction, decision, bite of food, piece of writing, feild of study, friend, relationship, etc.... Every single thing about my life.  Is it in alignment with the life I've chosen to live?  Which may go beyond just the obvious life I've chosen to live as the incarnate Dottie Hollingsworth.  It goes deeper than that.  I chose the life I wanted to live before I was even born, and thus far, I've spent my whole life doing just that, and figuring out exactly what that is without a single moment of mistake.

The next question was, "What is the life I've chosen to live?"  One of awareness.  One of balance, integrity, and Love.  To find gratitude in every moment.  To create meaningful, deep relationship with people in my life as to help each other be and live at our highest potential.  One free of earthly addictions secondary to maintaing that balance and awareness.  A concious decision to honor the gifts of the earth.  To remember the sacridity of that which we as people so often take for granted.  Like the presence of a tree that gives freely of itself to clear the pollutants that we as humans fill the air with, and exihibits an unconditional giving by re-growing itself after being plucked from it's life source.  It does so in Love.  Thats the life I want to live. May my human frailty never be forgotten by me, and may I remember always know that I am still human.  Without judgement, anger, or fear may I embrace every part and peice of who I am. Allowing my breath to be a connector between myself and all that Is.

"Do whatever your heart and soul truly desire, but do it in Love..." < That is in alignment with the life I've chosen to live.

Namaste
Dottie