My desire to write is not letting me sleep. I've been arguing with myself for 2 hours about writing. What the hell was I suppose to be writing about anyway?! I do love to write. Writing forces me to think about what I'm about to say, and offers me the opportunity to backspace when I've said too much. Then sometimes I get lost, I just get out of the way and type with little knowledge of what I'm saying until it's time to proof-read. I often find inspiration in reading what others write, and hope to give that to those who read my words. So here I am, like... now what? There are several little things I've thought about today but nothing extraordinary to write down. Here's what I almost wrote about earlier...
Svadhyaya, a Sanskrit word for self study. The active pursuit & intention of knowing yourself more through whichever avenue you feel teaches you most about yourself. For me, it's yoga, it's training, it's the relationships I have with the people in my life. Self-reflection is my forte. I live a constant journey of self-discovery. That statement alone makes me ask myself the question... "Is that selfish?" < And there it is... Svadhyaya. I think the quest to understand for the human mind is primitive. The word I REALLY want to use here is eluding me, and I refuse to spend waste anytime searching for it. I just want to write whatever the fuck I'm suppose to write, so I can go back to sleep. The human desire to understand is like my cat's desire to chase a string when it goes by. I've always been a seeker. I've always been a writer, a healer, & a teacher. That's what I do. That's what resonates in my heart. The passions I have for those five things have made this journey that is my life colorful, extreme, deep, & never boring. I chose this. I want this. This life of seeking, writing, healing, & teaching. The amount of change transpiring in my life is equivalent to the amount of change experienced when I left Michigan, got sober, & left AA. It's the magnitude of all of those together, that drastic, that intense. With every one of those I was terrified. I begged God to hold my hand. I told him I was terrified, but propelled by a force radiating from me of which I have never fully understood. I try, I call that force God, the Universe, the Divine, whatever comes to my first in that moment. But I think it's even more than that, if that makes sense. My point is, I'm not scared this time. There is nothing to fear. The new life is ALWAYS better than the old, once we let go. Let go of the fear. Once we no longer fear it, we just trust it. Trust the process, trust God, trust ourselves. That has been my mantra for several weeks... "I trust God, I trust myself" I trust God to lead me, because I feel absolutely blind right now, blind, deaf, and MOVING. At such a rapid pace all I can do is remember to breathe. I trust myself to accurately interpret & follow any guidance I receive. There isn't even a "holding on" .... it's that shock of wow, okay.. um... well... yeah... when there is not time to react, no time to judge, no time to ask questions. I'm reminded multiple times a day by the number 55, on clocks, billboards, telephone numbers, license plates to "Buckle my seat belt, as you're going through (or about to go through) a major positive life change. It's time to let go of that which is no longer working, and allow it to be healed or replaced with something better." I'm ready. That's the only thought that goes through my mind. I don't have to beg God to hold my hand or not to leave my side, because now I understand & trust that's not even possible. Because I am part of God, I'm part of the whole, we are the whole. There aren't even really parts. It's just one. One energy. One thing. One whatever you want to call it. I said it before & I'll say it again, "Our belief we are separate from one another, is nothing but a big cosmic joke.. and the joke's on us."
There is purging. There is a severing of ties, of relationships. There is connection. There is death, decay, fertilization, gestation, and rebirth. There is is now Light shining upon aspects of my self I wasn't able to see before. The last bit of a life that is no longer working. That no longer serves the greater purpose of humanity. It's time to stop gathering information; It's time for action, and it's so strong the moment you stop and try to pick something up you find it just outside your reach, then out of sight. Time to stop reflecting on what was, what has been, and what we are gonna do with that, but instead to reflect on what is, right now, and what can be done through us, as we are. Almost as if our active participation isn't even required anymore to dig deep and discover who we really are. The momentum of change is so great, the shit is just rising to the surface, it's becoming blatantly apparent and any attempts at ignoring that, are excruciating. All that is required of us is surrender, as if that is the only option. To let it happen. To be ready for wherever we end up. This is where I'm at. There are some who have been here, and others that will be. One thing cannot change wihout everything else changing too. And this is where we are all at... in the midst of great change.
With Grace & Gratitude...
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