Love & Punishment

 "Maybe if we are surrounded in beauty, someday we will become what we see..." - Jewel

That is a quote from the first song I ever played on repeat. It was track 9 on Jewel's Pieces of Me album. I listened to it here in my office on Alexa the other day, It still made as much sense now as it did then. I am sensitive. I've always been sensitive, and I've spent my life trying to stay that way. I'm in a period of softness, sensitivity, and nurturing. I reflected on my last nursing shift in Detroit in May of 2021, before I had even left the city, I knew it had softened me. Just as Detroit had built and strengthened me in those first few years after moving to Michigan, it had softened me exactly 10 years later. Ten years prior was the height of my single-person personal growth. Having gone through a spiritual experience, or several, and being intentional about  everything in my life... I felt I had healed. And I did. I had healed and become at peace with everything in my life up until that point. I felt safe in the world, I felt confident - fluid, free, balanced, strong, fierce, and ready to take on the world. 10 years later I found myself in the life I had always envisioned but faced with a new set of obstacles - the mirror that comes with intimate relationships and parenting. I've come to call it round 2 of self-discovery and self-healing. The round where the Universe gives us a chance to put to use all that we have learned about ourselves, deepen that and create new beginnings for those that will come after us. 

I will not be mad at myself anymore for how I chose to handle the navigation of these obstacles, of which I had never seen. I will give myself grace for showing up, for moving through, and trusting the process. I look at life a bit differently now. I suppose 10 years, 2 serious relationships, 2 kids, 2 houses, a career change, and the loss of a parent will do that to you. My body has been in pain since I finished that last nursing shift in May of 2021. The softness I felt came from a surrender into the exhaustion of my internal and external being. I had reached the limits of my self on all levels. A limit I didn't know existed. I was humbled. Working 2 full time jobs, one part time job, traveling/commuting 2 hours, having a 1.5 year old, a 7 year old, and navigating a rocky spot in my marriage - I was tired. In hindsight, I've asked myself, why was I punishing myself? This morning, actually, I pondered on why I did that to myself. At the time, I said it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. If I could just complete that 12 weeks - I would bring home upwards of $40,000 in 3 months. I walked in with the mentality that I could do anything for 12 weeks - we could do anything for 12 weeks. I did it alright. I did it while getting covid, working on minimal sleep, stress of working in an emergency department after not being a nurse for a year, my Mother dying, and a go-kart accident resulting in breaking my daughter's arm. 

What the fuck was I thinking? 

I think I was punishing myself for the illusion of being selfish for starting my own businesses and a new career, and all the risks that came along with that. I think I was also punishing myself for writing that email. It was, as if, I had to punish myself 10x over before I could forgive myself even of the smallest slights. My pre-disposition to feeling guilt ran deep and swift. Even in my healthiest era of my life, I punished myself. In the early 2010's the gym was my sanctuary of self-induced suffering, and I drank it up. I idolized my ability to handle the most ridiculous stressors and do so with a smile and wanting more. Spring of 2021 my body and mind said no more. I had found my limit, and I've been recovering ever since. My marriage has been recovering ever since. 

But why was I punishing myself? 

The best answer I can come up with right now is because I have associated love with punishment as long as I can remember. I literally just thought of that sitting in this chair in this moment as a wave of absolute truth and understanding washed over my body. Memories surfaced of my father taking off his leather belt, folding it in half, and asking me to bend over so he could hit me hard enough to take my breath away and leave me alone on the couch until I stopped crying. Over what? Me dropping a barbie behind his stereo, me falling off the porch and causing abrasions on the back of my entire thighs, him having an unsupported belief that I was lying despite my attempts at proving my innocence, or because it was Tuesday and he was drunk. I have vivid pictures of me sitting on the couch trying not to throw up as I attempted to choke down uncontrollable tears. God knows I didn't want "anything else to cry about" and relive that whole fucking experience. Just before he hit me, repeatedly, he would remind me that he was doing this because he loved me and wanted me to verbalize that I understood that. I was 7 years old. 

On a side note: This is also why I don't want to hit my kids. Because no, we didn't all turn out fine. It takes conscious work for me to seek out a different alternative than spanking my kids. It takes work for me to not set unrealistic expectations of my children and punish them when they don't meet those expectations. It takes work for me to remain conscious while reels of my own childhood roar in the back of my brain telling me to implement power and control over listening and nurturing, but I will do this work until I don't have to do it anymore. My kids will be better for it, and I will be better for it. 

I'd like to think I'm leveling up yet again - round three, the time I embrace not punishing myself for failing to meet my own un-realistic expectations as a partner and parent. A time to truly love myself unconditionally without abuse or suffering. A time of acceptance and trust. 

With Grace & Gratitude... 

And the Journey Continues

I have been angry for days. Which might have peaked last night when the dog woke us up only 3 hours after being in bed to go outside. I let him out JUST BEFORE BED, to prevent this kind of situation. I can't even say I wasn't in the mood to deal with him, because I never am. After attempting to ignore his pawing at the side of the bed and whining, I yelled "fucking goddamn dog!" as I crawled out of bed swearing if he ran off again this time I was locking him out all night. Anger. I know it all to well.

I will be the first to tell you, I don't handle anger well, and after reading through old blogs ABOUT anger for the last 30min from over the last 4 years, the general consensus seems to be that I'm afraid of my anger, of what I will do when I'm angry... to myself or others. I have, somewhere along the lines, deemed anger unacceptable which adds even more resistance when it arises within me. I've re-read how working out with Burkey and working with Billie & Jack have done wonders with how I manage my anger. But they aren't here in anymore, not in Lansing anyway, not an active part of my life's journey at this moment. So I'm here with even more fear of what do I do with it now?

I did the only thing I knew how to do last night, short of punching walls and kicking the dog. It's funny how its usually the last thing, but always the right thing, and the most effective thing. I prayed. I wanted to beat the dog. I wanted to kick him every time I looked down at him. Something had to be done. Because he didn't deserve that. I've at least cultivated enough awareness over the years to know it wasn't about the dog. So I prayed. I crawled in bed and recited the Lord's prayer, because really that's the only prayer I know. And I feel asleep before I finished the third recital of it.

And yet, I woke up still angry. I'm angry now. So I meditated and did some healing work. I think I most angry at myself. I've allowed myself to fall back into old eating habits. I've let go of things I really wanted to keep in my life. My lack of decent boundaries has allowed me to loose myself within my relationship. Which I think has always been my fear with relationships. And why up until this point I have avoided committed relationships and partners who wanted them. It's humbling. It's shameful. I've always ducked & ran. I've always chose to leave instead of facing my boundary issues. I can be fiercely independent outside of the relationship, know exactly what I want, & what I need to do to take care of myself and have no problem doing it. But you throw me into a partnership where I have to also take into consideration my partners needs & wants and allow someone else to nurture and take care of me at times??? I'm at a fucking loss. I'm like a dear in headlights. I get so anxious about meeting them, I neglect my own! It's probably due to the fact I've spent most of my life in survival mode. So now, I go into learning mode. I shut my mouth and stop voicing myself. Simply being in it is stressful unto itself for me most days because its uncharted waters, God forbid I rock the boat anymore, I'm barely hanging on as it is... that's how I often feel. Like I'm constantly fumbling. Or rather that is my fear. I'm angry that its such a struggle for me to function in a normal & healthy relationship. Especially when I truly want it, and so much good comes from it. But isn't that how it happens? Our life lessons? I learned how to comfortably be single, to know myself, to love myself. To have boundaries & assert myself with others outside of my most intimate relationships. And now its time learn that within a relationship; within this relationship. Because I choose her.

It's difficult though to not reach back for old tools like working out or AA that once helped with these life lessons, to reach back to the people who helped before with my personal growth. And when you try, the universe manages to stop you. There's an inner knowing that it's time for someone, something new, because this is new. It sits me in this grey area of stillness. Where the only thing to do is to wait. To be still, to listen. To be willing to fail and keep going. To risk rocking the boat with those closest to you. Because if someone, anyone truly loves you, they support you in positive changes. They will grow with you. I trust that.

What do you know, I'm not angry anymore.

With Grace & Gratitude...

My Two Cents on Gay Marriage

I feel compelled to touch on the issue of gay marriage.  It's difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is still an issue. I forget sometimes that it is still illegal in most states for people in love of the same sex to marry. It blows my mind. The falling leg that so many are still trying to stand on is literally crumbling, and it's palpable. You can feel it. You can hear it in the shaky-ness of the voices on CNN "uh, well... um..." What?! Really?! The arguable reasons attempting to slow down this process have no sustenance. I mean c'mon! Gay people have been getting married for a few years now! IT'S HAPPENING. Right now. At this very moment, I'm sure somewhere a gay couple are taking vows of marriage. So what is the hold up? What are they fighting against? It's a body in motion, and physics states a body in motion, stays in motion. It's funny to me. All these legalities. And the thing is... it's not even about gay marriage. It's about change. It is a blatant representation of people's unwillingness to change. And I don't mean the generic "change" of a word that has been thrown around carelessly at times in our nation's history in the name of political or presidential votes, I'm talking about gut, energetic, shifts of energy inside the hearts and minds of people. Not just American's, of people. We use titles and descriptions and classes and continue to separate ourselves from each other. We have gays and straights, and blacks and whites, and men and woman, and American's and Europeans.... and countless subcultures. The sooner we realize, actually the sooner it is accepted that we all are connected in an intricate and dependent fashion, the sooner the world and all the people in in can truly begin to heal.

I get it. I can be stubborn too. And it I have been known to fight until I wear my little self out. Until I'm exhausted and done, and acceptance is all that is left. And that is what some are doing right now, they are wearing their little selves out. The old ways aren't working anymore. It's so simple, some are attempting to do the same things over and over again, call it different things and are expecting different results. It doesn't work like that. lol Love in all forms WILL prevail. "Love is patient, love is kind." Love is slowly and patiently coming to forefront, and won't hurt anyone on it's way there. Except maybe some ego's as it's illusion of control fade like smoke in a room.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Inspired

"To the extent that the person you were will effect who you are; it already has."

If that doesn't make sense, which it may not... let me break it down for you. I told that to a very dear who had been sober for somewhere around 6 years, I think I little longer. Someone who also felt the draw to remove themselves from the traditional 12 step programs and live her life, taking what she learned and left. I can relate to that. The thing about her though, is she done the work. She did. Some people can be in that program for 15 years, and still never do the work, the real work. The work that is required to make a radical change in who you are and the life that you are living. They will find themselves continuously re-living in the past in the name of "never forgetting your last drunk or your doomed to re-peat it" mindset. Don't get me wrong, the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous had a dramatic positive impact on my life, but when it was done, it was done. It had served its purpose, and like my friend... I walked away. I went against the grain. We both went against the grain. And when our worlds didn't collapse, when we weren't found in a drunken stupor begging for help and forgiveness having exploded and taken out everyone around us... it challenged everything so many had been taught about "the program." And it scares them. To the extent that the person you were will effect who you are; it already has simply means, yes, the person she was has shaped her into the person she is now, but in a good way. She has done the work to re-balance that, to counter-act that if you will. That person, who she was, has already created the change within her it was suppose to, and she can let it go now. She can root completely in the person she is now, and move forward. And as always, with gratitude.

THESE are one of the kinds of people who truly inspire me. People who change. Who come like a Phoenix from the flames. Those who trust enough to step out on faith. To take chances. To risk everything they ever believed to be true about their life, for the possibility, that they can live the life they've always dreamt of living. Those who do things even though they are afraid, who burst in the darkest parts of who they are with a willingness and readiness to not leave until all is Light. People who beat the odds, and not because they set out to do so, but because they remained true to themselves. I admire these people and so grateful to  be able to call many of them friends.

With Grace & Gratitude...

How I Did It

Where I refer people when they ask me how I did it ;) 

I believe the weight on my physical body is a manifestation of emotional pain, anger, and fear. I take a holistic approach to my weight loss and have used hypnotherapy, acupuncture, meditation, personal training, yoga, exercising and building a positive relationship with my body and food. For me, it's a journey of healing, of letting go, and growing. It's about facing fears and loving myself. It's a beautiful journey really, even on the seemingly "hard" days.


31 months ago, I made a decision I was willing to do whatever it took to loose weight, for however long it took. I addressed it on all levels...the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I found what worked for me, but not without finding out what didn't. I never gave up on the bigger picture. I didn't put a time line on when I'd loose x amount of weight. I saw ONE number, my goal weight and didn't share it with anyone for a VERY long time. Two and a half years later, I think there are five people who know what thaPublish Postt number is. In the beginning, I prayed. I asked God to show me why I was overweight and asked for help. I trusted the perfect people would come into my life at the perfect time, and they did. Early on, I kept a food journal  without counting the calories, it helped me become aware of how much I was eating without overwhelming me. I walked almost everyday for 30 minutes, that's all I could talk myself into doing and even that was a struggle. I saw a personal trainer once a week. I did my best to cut back on how much food I was eating, and make better choices. I gained 12lbs back over the first holiday season! But I refused to stop, I just kept going. To stop was guaranteed failure, at least if I kept going I had a chance. Eventually, I used my "weaknesses" to my advantage. I worked hard, real fucking hard. I got a different trainer, and decided to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues. I took hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & yoga. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous, and read three books that changed my life and my relationship with food. (Women, Food, and God. The Yoga of Eating. & A Course In Weight Loss.) I got to know myself & my body. I  learned to trust myself. I asked my body what IT needed and gave it that. Guess what? I'm not on a fucking diet. I've never been on a fucking diet. I eat whatever I really want. But I ask myself... is it worth it? How bad do I REALLY want this? Do I really want it at all? And you know what, when I eat it, I enjoy that shit. Every bite, because it doesn't come without a price. Periodically I will keep a food journal on myfitnesspal.com to keep me conscious of what I'm eating Funny thing is... in not denying myself anything, and listening to my body it has naturally created aversions to certain foods. Most often, I don't even want the shit that's bad for me! But it took me almost two years to get to that point, and it still happens every now and then. It took patience & grace. It took willingness. A willingness to feel all the pain I had been eating away for years. A willingness to trust other people and myself. I seriously, could go on for what could constitute an entire book. Right now, I'm still not on a diet and I work out, do yoga, & train because I love it. I'm still finding what works for me, and if it stops working, I change it. This is my life. I eat less and better, because it's a habit. Because it feels good. Because I eat what my body wants. I finally love myself & my body enough today to want to be good to it. Anything less is unacceptable. Because I've addressed (and still addressing) the underlying issues as to why I was overweight in the first place, God's grace, and a moment of pure willingness to do whatever it took... I've lost 94lbs in two and a half years. It wasn't quick. I wasn't easy. But it was worth it and I'm better for it.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Change Being The Only Option

My desire to write is not letting me sleep. I've been arguing with myself for 2 hours about writing. What the hell was I suppose to be writing about anyway?!  I do love to write. Writing forces me to think about what I'm about to say, and offers me the opportunity to backspace when I've said too much. Then sometimes I get lost, I just get out of the way and type with little knowledge of what I'm saying until it's time to proof-read. I often find inspiration in reading what others write, and hope to give that to those who read my words. So here I am,  like... now what? There are several little things I've thought about today but nothing extraordinary to write down. Here's what I almost wrote about earlier...

Svadhyaya, a Sanskrit word for self study. The active pursuit & intention of knowing yourself more through whichever avenue you feel teaches you most about yourself. For me, it's yoga, it's training, it's the relationships I have with the people in my life. Self-reflection is my forte. I live a constant journey of self-discovery. That statement alone makes me ask myself the question... "Is that selfish?" < And there it is... Svadhyaya. I think the quest to understand for the human mind is primitive. The word I REALLY want to use here is eluding me, and I refuse to spend waste anytime searching for it. I just want to write whatever the fuck I'm suppose to write, so I can go back to sleep. The human desire to understand is like my cat's desire to chase a string when it goes by. I've always been a seeker. I've always been a writer, a healer, & a teacher. That's what I do. That's what resonates in my heart. The passions I have for those five things have made this journey that is my life colorful, extreme, deep, & never boring. I chose this. I want this. This life of seeking, writing, healing, & teaching. The amount of change transpiring in my life is equivalent to the amount of change experienced when I left Michigan, got sober, & left AA. It's the magnitude of all of those together, that drastic, that intense. With every one of those I was terrified. I begged God to hold my hand. I told him I was terrified, but propelled by a force radiating from me of which I have never fully understood. I try, I call that force God, the Universe, the Divine, whatever comes to my first in that moment. But I think it's even more than that, if that makes sense. My point is, I'm not scared this time. There is nothing to fear. The new life is ALWAYS better than the old, once we let go. Let go of the fear. Once we no longer fear it, we just trust it. Trust the process, trust God, trust ourselves. That has been my mantra for several weeks... "I trust God, I trust myself" I trust God to lead me, because I feel absolutely blind right now, blind, deaf, and MOVING. At such a rapid pace all I can do is remember to breathe. I trust myself to accurately interpret & follow any guidance I receive. There isn't even a "holding on" .... it's that shock of wow, okay.. um... well... yeah... when there is not time to react, no time to judge, no time to ask questions. I'm reminded multiple times a day by the number 55, on clocks, billboards, telephone numbers, license plates to "Buckle my seat belt, as you're going through (or about to go through) a major positive life change. It's time to let go of that which is no longer working, and allow it to be healed or replaced with something better." I'm ready. That's the only thought that goes through my mind. I don't have to beg God to hold my hand or not to leave my side, because now I understand & trust that's not even possible.  Because I am part of God, I'm part of the whole, we are the whole. There aren't even really parts. It's just one. One energy. One thing. One whatever you want to call it. I said it before & I'll say it again, "Our belief we are separate from one another, is nothing but a big cosmic joke.. and the joke's on us."

There is purging. There is a severing of ties, of relationships. There is connection. There is death, decay, fertilization, gestation, and rebirth. There is  is now Light shining upon aspects of my self I wasn't able to see before. The last bit of a life that is no longer working. That no longer serves the greater purpose of humanity. It's time to stop gathering information; It's time for action, and it's so strong the moment you stop and try to pick something up you find it just outside your reach, then out of sight. Time to stop reflecting on what was, what has been, and what we are gonna do with that, but instead to reflect on what is, right now, and what can be done through us, as we are. Almost as if our active participation isn't even required anymore to dig deep and discover who we really are. The momentum of change is so great, the shit is just rising to the surface, it's becoming blatantly apparent and any attempts at ignoring that, are excruciating.  All that is required of us is surrender, as if that is the only option. To let it happen. To be ready for wherever we end up. This is where I'm at. There are some who have been here, and others that will be. One thing cannot change wihout everything else changing too. And this is where we are all at... in the midst of great change.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Where Does It Really Hurt?

Where to begin? There are so many thoughts & feelings I wish to express right now that seem so difficult to just that.  I want to cry, but feel as if it would be not entirely authentic. As if doing so is just one of my desperate attempts at release. God, please help me to release whatever block this is nestling in my throat chakra. Because that's where it is. Nestled beautifully between the top of my shoulders and bottom of my years, feels like I have one of those set of neck rings they were in some of those African Tribes. This imbalance is expressing itself as neck and ear pain, hearing is muffled and my ears won't seem to "pop". The muscles and tendons are so tight, I can feel them pull & crack my upper ribs when I move my head. My voice sounds nasally as if every sentence requires a very clear thought pattern before it is expressed. Needing my full attention. I can see how this would be beneficial to me and others. I tend to ramble, and not fully formulate a thought before I begin to say it, causing my words and directions to be unclear. Having a tendency to say yes or okay without every comprehending what the other person is saying. Feels I'm being forced to take the time to fully formulate my thought & intention before I speak and to give my full attention to another as they speak. A beneficial lesson to learn, one of which I am willing. A sense of grace & gratitude are welling up inside of me.

The Lesson here:
   Listen to your body as an avenue of knowing yourself more. Instead of numbing the pain and discomfort with something to alleviate the "symptoms"; find the source. Instead of bogging down these physical manifestations we call symptoms with medications, which only work temporarily and allow it to surface later with even greater vengeance... let it surface NOW. Allow it to fully play itself out, and tell you something, FEEL IT. Guess what? A little discomfort won't kill you, but your attempts at escaping that discomfort just might. So, do things that will facilitate a "letting it run it's course" kind of thing. Drink some tea, breath deep, REST, drink double the water you normally would, eliminate junk for for a few days. Be gentle with yourself, love yourself as you would love your dearest friend if they were "sick."  Any level of discomfort is simply a beckoning that something is ready and in need of change. I asked myself, what in my life? In my thoughts & emotions, was in need of change? Why was physical discomfort manifesting? What was it trying to tell me? And I think I got my answer in the paragraph above... Feels I'm being forced to take the time to fully formulate my thought & intention before I speak and to give my full attention to another as they speak. Fascinating. Often, we wait until a slight discomfort becomes an intolerable pain before we embark on change. Most believe it to be scary. And well, it can be when we've come to rely solely on ourselves, what we think we know, and how we think things are going to be. But when you have mustered up enough trust, change seems less scary. You become willing, at the first signs of discomfort. You listen sooner, so you don't have to be brought to your knees to open your ears.

With grace & gratitude...

Beliefs (To Be Continued)

I feel like every molecule in my body has yearned to write for three days.

Where do I start? My thoughts/questions/explorations about the characteristic of selfishness and how that plays itself out in my life? Beliefs about who I am, and who I choose to be? The dreams I had last night with murky water and and old house literally crumbling before my eyes? Or how about the joy I felt yesterday with all the birthday wishes & love flowing my way? But what about the feelings of frustration at my belief I'm having trouble meditating? There's defiantly some anger rising to the surface (and has been for a couple days) ALTHOUGH, it could simply be, that I'm hormonal; I'm due to start next week. I often accidentally overlook simplicity. The selfish thing seems to be pushing itself to the surface. Let me get my coffee....

I've just spent the last 30 minutes emailing, facebooking, and distracting myself from here. Partially NOT wanting to explore this because I know I posses a belief that I am incredibly selfish and typing that alone brings tears to my eyes. Whether or not it is true is ENTIRELY irrelevant. The important thing is whether or not I believe it to be true, and I do...

After typing that line, I spent another 10 minutes in distraction. A handful of instances have slowly brought selfishness into my awareness. The icing on the cake was a couple days ago when I was asked, "Do you swear on my life you won't tell anyone?" My response was, "Yes, I swear on my life I won't tell anyone." - I didn't realize I had said *I* as opposed to YOURS... I stopped and thought holy fuck, deep down I really do think it's always about me isn't it? I woke up at 4am that night and laid awake for an hour, with a slew of reasons I believed myself to be selfish, I knew this needed to be explored. BUT APPARENTLY... today is not the day. I just got back from another 15 minute distraction adventure... smh

Love & Light
Dottie

My Body, Artfully Crafted

"Just think about that beach body"

    What a joke, I thought. I laughed & shook my head. There was a picture of a beach with a fake sun just above those words. I thought of how terrible it must be to hate every minute of self-improvement. To wish to be ANYWHERE but right there, earning the body you have. Because that's the truth, we have earned whatever body we have. Our bodies are simply a physical manifestation of thoughts, experience, feelings, effort, work, etc. "Be with your body" - I heard that too in yoga yesterday. Be with my body. This beautiful piece of art that I've watched morph over the past 2 years due to an unwavering faith, a willingness to do whatever it takes, going to places within myself I was terrified to go. My body is a canvas of which you can see where I've been & who I am at any given moment, because my body will always carry remnants of 319 lbs, and that's okay. That's my story. There will forever be self-induced scars on my thighs & calves, a portal for my pain when I knew no other outlet, and that's okay. Along with small tell-tell signs of anxiety induced picking at my face and upper arms, because that was the safest thing I could do at that moment. My shoddy nail beds and slightly aged skin are fragments of years spent desperately trying to get others to perceive me as pretty with acrylic nails and year round tanning, because I allowed what others thought of me to carry entirely to much weight, and if they thought I was pretty, and told me enough, maybe I would believe it too. Hmm, interesting isn't it? I spent the first 22 years of my life reaching for an outward solution to my inward problems. Today,  I am building myself anew from the inside out both figuratively & literally. I address the real issues, the inner issues, whatever they may be and watch as the outside changes as a result of this.. I watch my leg muscles naturally chisel themselves out, my collar bones dominate my upper chest, and know that although I can't see them yet... there HAS to be a six pack under what's left of my slowly fading armor of fat I've carried for years. My hair cannot get short enough, and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that I can dead life 295lbs, which is more than my body weight. Yoga keeps me feminine & flexible. I run physically now so I don't have to run emotionally. I may not ever have the "beach body" so many of us think about when we see signs like the one I saw in the gym today, but I'm going to have MY body. I'm going to know good, bad, or indifferent, I earned that body, and I'm gonna wear it proudly.

 Did I do this alone any of it, the destruction and rebuilding of who I am? Absolutely not. We cannot function alone. We are not here to be alone, to face life alone. I am so grateful for the people who have been part of this process. It's not about that beach body, I couldn't give a fuck about that beach body. It's about the process of getting to where you are, right now. It's bout knowing yourself, loving yourself, forgiving yourself. It's about knowing it's okay to be mad at yourself sometimes, and really, no, you don't know who you are. No one knows who they are. I am whatever kind of person you perceive me to be, to you that is. I wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise. My perceptions of me, are no no less bias than yours. Because guess what, even we don't know everything about ourselves, we hide things from ourselves. So who are you? You don't know. I know who I perceive me to be. What do you THINK about yourself should be a more appropriate question. Because that's what really matters, what you think of yourself effects every moment of your life. Every decision, every relationship, failure, success, EVERYTHING. So what do you think about yourself? It matters. Whether this person or that person agrees or not, doesn't matter. Whether it's "true" or not doesn't matter. What do you think of yourself? I asked myself that question today. And if there is something about yourself that you don't like, or is hindering your goals & aspirations, then change it, but you can't fix what you don't know is broken. I've spent years trying to answer the question who am I? And couldn't come up with an answer. I was asking the wrong question. How do I see myself? Is what I was suppose to be asking myself. And replying honestly, no matter how much I may not have wanted to admit it. At the very least, admit it to yourself. There will be some things I may not like about myself, but how do I perceive me? It's imperative that I know this. Along with the truth that this perception will change, I will change, & other's perception will change. Everything changes, and thank God for that.

It's amazing how when we are there it doesn't seem "that bad" but yet as we recover from self-destruction it becomes so much more clear how much we really hated ourselves. This is my recovery.

Love & Light
Dottie

Flashback

       I decided I needed a day to do nothing but lounge. That's exactly what I'm doing, other than my hour on the elliptical. It's amazing to me how that has become part of a day where I do nothing but "lounge." A day when even a shower is arbitrary. About 45 min in, rocking out to Pandora I noticed a sign with a beach and fake sun that said, "Just think about that beach body". I thought, "What a fucking joke" & laughed. I looked to my left and say a whole row of empty precors, treadmills, & ellipticals. In that instant I smiled, a tear rolled down my cheek and I felt a sense of accomplishment & overwhelming gratitude. That moment took me back about 3 and a half years ago just before I got sober. I was sitting the bar I came to pretty much every night, good & buzzed, over 300 lbs, on my second pack of smokes, seriously considering letting the guy to my left take me home... when I looked down the row of people I had seen every other night I come here, old... like life had chewed them up and spit them out and thought, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?" I knew this was not the life I wanted to live. I was dying, I was killing myself slowly, trying to hid from myself. Today, words couldn't describe how I felt when that moment flashed through my mind and the reality of where I was then came back into focus. All I could do was smile & cry. Yes, right there on the elliptical in the middle of Anytime Fitness.

Love & Light
Dottie

Accepting the Things I Cannot Change

There are many things in my life I can control... but what people do or say, isn't one of them. I can't make anyone act a certain way and my attempts at imposing this control creates imbalance and chaos in my life. Everything happens for a reason. When something is all over, I can say that it happened exactly the way it was suppose to happen. So, I can take that belief and say everything is happening right now, just as it is suppose to. Patience. I'm learning. Breathe. I've asked the universe to show me how to let go of my tendencies to control, manipulate, people's reactions. I've also asked to be freed from my tendencies to control/predict the outcome. I think of a hundred different scenarios and try to conjure up what I think my best reaction would be for each scenario. It's exhausting. So much energy is spent on all the possibilities instead of the realities. I am doing the best I know how to do right now. I can forgive myself because I was always acting in the best way I knew how. As long as I truly do my best, what more can I ask of myself? I'm okay with mine and her friendship ending. I have no desire right now to have a close relationship with her. Here's a cycle, me going to drastic measures because I won't say "Hey, I'd rather us just not be friends anymore." or "Hey, I really don't want to run 12 steps and beyond anymore" or "I'm gonna just walk out on my job because I really don't want to work here anymore, but don't want to go about the whole drawn out process. I act upon something where I know without a doubt, the other person will give me what I want. < That's a powerful statement. I do not regret anythhing that has happened. It's about being aware of my wants and needs, and being able to express them before I go to drastic measures. I saw 1554 and knew it was very significant... I just looked it up "You're expierencing a significant life change right now, and it's essential that you stay positive. Trust and know that this change is for the best. Angels are with you, call upon them for help, guidance, and feelings of love and security." - Makes me just shake my head, because I know how true that is. I've felt their angelic presence for several days now, stronger than I have probably... ever. There are more than usual, and I've talked to them about aeverything... I've chosen to talk to them as opposed to a friend. Because I want only love to come from me. and when it doesn't, I know they transmute it so only love goes out into the world. Something keeps telling me he is going to text or call soon, and could be as soon as tonight. However, I've continued about my business... if he calls he calls, if not he doesn't. I haven't allowed myself to do anything differntly "just incase" he calls... doing so makes me angry at myself. I don't want to hold grudges against myself anymore. That line made me smile. I also don't want ot entertain the thoughts of predicting what his next move will be, its that whole thinking of every possible scenario I can to prepare as much as possible. Something's in life cannot be prepared for, probably the best things. The piano in this song seems to float into my soul. How do I know my life would be better with him in it? My days of being rejected are over. I'm tired, but I am grateful. I am becoming the women I was always meant to be... complete, whole, and healthy. Thank you God. Amen.

Also, we don't know what people's intentions are unless they tell us. I don't know how someone is feeling, or what they are thinking... things I can't control, but spend sooooo much energy trying to do so. God please remove my obsessive thoughts so my energy can be used in loving service to others.

Namaste
Dottie

Awareness & Willingness

Awareness & willingness.  The only two things needed to change something in your life. I sit here void of emotion, which is not uncommon for me.  I do have the ability to make myself feel anything I desire, but rarely do my emotions bubble outward beyond my control.  I can be happy, mad, grateful, etc at the drop of a hat.  I've hit a plateau with my weight, I've hit a peak with my binging and purging, and I drank like a fish 4 days ago.  I want to know what's there.  What is lurking just under the surface I can feel, but not see yet?  It's too close for comfort that's for sure.