There are many things in my life I can control... but what people do or say, isn't one of them. I can't make anyone act a certain way and my attempts at imposing this control creates imbalance and chaos in my life. Everything happens for a reason. When something is all over, I can say that it happened exactly the way it was suppose to happen. So, I can take that belief and say everything is happening right now, just as it is suppose to. Patience. I'm learning. Breathe. I've asked the universe to show me how to let go of my tendencies to control, manipulate, people's reactions. I've also asked to be freed from my tendencies to control/predict the outcome. I think of a hundred different scenarios and try to conjure up what I think my best reaction would be for each scenario. It's exhausting. So much energy is spent on all the possibilities instead of the realities. I am doing the best I know how to do right now. I can forgive myself because I was always acting in the best way I knew how. As long as I truly do my best, what more can I ask of myself? I'm okay with mine and her friendship ending. I have no desire right now to have a close relationship with her. Here's a cycle, me going to drastic measures because I won't say "Hey, I'd rather us just not be friends anymore." or "Hey, I really don't want to run 12 steps and beyond anymore" or "I'm gonna just walk out on my job because I really don't want to work here anymore, but don't want to go about the whole drawn out process. I act upon something where I know without a doubt, the other person will give me what I want. < That's a powerful statement. I do not regret anythhing that has happened. It's about being aware of my wants and needs, and being able to express them before I go to drastic measures. I saw 1554 and knew it was very significant... I just looked it up "You're expierencing a significant life change right now, and it's essential that you stay positive. Trust and know that this change is for the best. Angels are with you, call upon them for help, guidance, and feelings of love and security." - Makes me just shake my head, because I know how true that is. I've felt their angelic presence for several days now, stronger than I have probably... ever. There are more than usual, and I've talked to them about aeverything... I've chosen to talk to them as opposed to a friend. Because I want only love to come from me. and when it doesn't, I know they transmute it so only love goes out into the world. Something keeps telling me he is going to text or call soon, and could be as soon as tonight. However, I've continued about my business... if he calls he calls, if not he doesn't. I haven't allowed myself to do anything differntly "just incase" he calls... doing so makes me angry at myself. I don't want to hold grudges against myself anymore. That line made me smile. I also don't want ot entertain the thoughts of predicting what his next move will be, its that whole thinking of every possible scenario I can to prepare as much as possible. Something's in life cannot be prepared for, probably the best things. The piano in this song seems to float into my soul. How do I know my life would be better with him in it? My days of being rejected are over. I'm tired, but I am grateful. I am becoming the women I was always meant to be... complete, whole, and healthy. Thank you God. Amen.
Also, we don't know what people's intentions are unless they tell us. I don't know how someone is feeling, or what they are thinking... things I can't control, but spend sooooo much energy trying to do so. God please remove my obsessive thoughts so my energy can be used in loving service to others.
Namaste
Dottie
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