Love Is My Weakness

"FOR GOD SAKES CATHY, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON"T DO THE SAME FUCKING THING YOU'VE BEEN DOING!!!" ... "If her actions bother me THAT much, what is this relfecting back at me?"

Love and the potential for it is my weakness. Always has been. I wanted it so badly, I would throw everything else in my life out of balance. It's then I'm sent into a tail spin of anger, lonliness, and tears. I never realized how badly I do want a good man in my life. One who is just as much in love with me as I am with him. I almost began giving a list of things, but they felt generic and not neccissarly what I want but what I think I would want. I just want him to love me as much if not more than I love him. I've spent three days analyzing, exploring, praying, searching, and crying. There was tons of crying, hysterical crying. I needed that. Here's what I learned...


1) I am insecure in regards to relationships. In most other areas of my life it doesn't exist and when it does it exists in trace amounts and doesn't seem to adversly effect my life, but not relationships. It runs them. I become overwhelmed by my own insecurities which make me act out irrationally and emotionally, then I get pissed because I'm really not a crazy lady, although it seems that way. That blew my mind. I had no idea. I thought I could take em or leave it, I was wrong. I wanted it. It was either all or nothing. I found myself reaching back to men I used to date or sleep with. Thinking maybe THEY had the answer, maybe THEY could tell me where I go wrong. I swear, they must all think I've got more issues than Time magazine. But I reached to them because I was seeking relief from my insecurities. I didn't want ot scare away the new guy with my irrational fears and overly emotional antics, so let's just contact the last guy who already knows I'm a wreck, because I couldn't care less what HE thinks of me at this point, he's already seen the worst of me, so I can let it all go. I don't care if he hangs around or not anymore. But within my being able to let go completely and be open and honest with the last him. I would find that I feet closer to them and I start missing them, and start asking myself Do I still love him? Do I want to be with him? What am I doing with this new guy? The phone calls, texts, and contact becomes more frequent, and then fear sets in... What the fuck am I doing? REALLY, what the fuck am I doing? Well, I was desperately trying to ease my insecurites I was, up until now, too afraid to face.

3) I have been incredibly selfish. It has been always about me. I come and go as I please, often forgetting that men have feelings too. I come without regard to what THEIR relationship status is at this point, and if my actions might adverserly effect that. If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything, because I refuse to take whatever they were willing to give me, again. I've been there, and by God's grace I won't go there again. It has always been about me and my issues, my fears. I need this or I need that. Finally, the tables where turned and he needed this or that... and I was finding that real hard to give to him. Now, I think I'm able to do so. I look back and admire A's patience with me, using that as an example. Thank you A, for loving me enough to allow the much needed healing to take place. May I find it within me to always Love enough to allow the needed healing to take place, without the malicious desires of the ego interefering.

4) I also discovered...once I decided that I wass willing to give the guy a chance, I'm wide open... and thus is were my boundary issues lied and if THEY have boundaries... I'm just shocked and have no idea what to do with them. I get the jist of what they are for and do my best to respect them, but I would struggle.... and they wouldn't know it. Once I had made the decision that I would date them, it was a free for all until if and when I decided I was done... or you decided. There are steps, apparently... steps in which I had always totally disregarded. I was just like here I am.... all of me!  Do you want me?! If you do, just incase here I am! I'll await your every phone call, text message, and eagerly await the next time I'll see you. I'll switch my entire schedul around to make time for you. Really?! *shakes head :) Well, NO ONE is ready to handle all of someone in the first few weeks of knowing them especially this girl ;)... and that's with ANY relationship, even friendships! lol I have to laugh at myself. The jist... I was guilty of making myself too available.

5) My deep desire for a fulfilling relationship throws my entire life out of balance the moment a potential relationship rears it's head. I strive to maintain balance on a daily basis. Without balance, I will loose my fucking mind. Balance is ESSENTIAL to my well-being. It's almost like a war within myself, part of me wants love and the other balance. And up until now, I didn't know how to have both. When I feel myself going out of balance I begin to feverishly try and balance thus igniting my control issues, causing me to be manipulative. Manipulative in the sense of doing/saying things to bring about my desired result. I do things I think they would like or make them want to be with me more... and I JUST learned about a month ago... THAT breeds resentment within me. When I do things because I feel like I "have to" or "should" and they don't react how I wanted them to, I become extremely angry and frustrated, but THEY can't know that because it's absolutely irrational. I'm mad at them because they didn't do what I wanted them to when they had no idea I wanted them to in the first place?! WOW! C'mon!!! lol. This is one vicious cycle. Because once I realize I've done this I become rittled with guilt and anger because I've spent the last 3 years of my life striving to overcome these tendencies, and here they are again!? UGH! The old habits of self destruction begin knocking on my door at this point because I'm so scattered and so vunerable. Metaphorically speaking, I've taken all that I am and laid it out on the table for evaluation. What serves my highest purpose? I take what works for me and I leave the rest. If it doesn't serve my highest good, it's got to go. It is in that moment the only thing that stands between me and some form of self destructing behavior is God himself, I have no defenses. I'm grateful to say by God's grace, I slep while He cleaned the table.

6) Lastly, I learned to identify impatience, and realized in most other areas of my life, like 98% I'm able to sit back, relax, and know that everything will work out the best possible way, that God and the Angels have everything taken care of. Except when it comes to me being in a relationship. I found it difficult to wait and let them work their magic, I always try to work my own, which is never magic at all really... just fear based impatience. I pull cards, check my intuitive friends intuition, check numerology, check whatever the hell else I can get my hands on so I can have some idea what to expect, because NOT KNOWING apparently terrifies me. Then I always end up where I started... powerless, clueless, and single lol

Thank God the only two things needed to change are awareness and willingness. I've had the willingness for sometime, just not the awareness... and here it is.

God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as thy wilt. Please remove me from the bondage of self, so that I may better do they will. Please take away my difficulties, may victory over them bear witness to those I may help of they love, they power, and they way of life. May I do thy will always. Amen.

Dear Angels, let me not sign off without acknowledging your constant stream of Love, support, and guidance. I have felt you very close over the last few days. I am grateful for that closeness and all you do for me and those I love. Please help keep my life balanced and full of Love, may I always be aware of my thoughts, actions, and words and how they are affecting my life and others.

Love & Light
Dottie