Owning My Power

"I am confident in my own self-worth"

To say there is no fear, would be a lie. Awareness and willingness. The two things needed to make a positive change. The theme is reoccurring, the signs all around are saying I'm at a pivotal time in my life, and although I've spent years going within.. it is finally time to fully let somethings go, that time is now. It's all the same thing. Balance of my mind, body, spirit and of my inner power.  In my conversations yesterday I realized I give my power away, especially with men which leaves me powerless, frustrated and rittled with anxiety and fear. I easily go from strong, fruitful, confident, feminine Dottie to.... wait.... do you really like me? Can I trust you? Why didn't you call the very second you got into your car? What is that suppose to mean? Yada, yada ya... the fears of an adolescent little girl. I'm not an adolescent anymore. I'm not a scared little girl. Yet, periodically that part of me comes out full swing and I feel as if I'm loosing control. Now that is the problem ... time for the solution. I choose not to sit in the problem once I realize what the problem is...

I started the day with meditation. I was frustrated, angry, and wanted to cry. Finally I told myself to ride those thoughts, to accept their presence and go wherever they wanted to take me. I visited a familiar place within myself. The place where I cast away and hide those parts of me I don't want anyone to see, so far down I often forget I have them there. It's always dark and a little chilly, and quiet... too quiet. But I go there and I sit with those parts of me I've chosen to hate. I speak softly and with Love. Understanding what initially created this negative aspect of myself... and offer compassion. Sometimes it takes me a couple times to do all that, and sometimes, like today... that part of me is VERY resistive. But I got there, and I'll go again tomorrow. I'll go as many times as I must to allow Love in.

I've spent the day wrapped in prayer. Realizing I have obsessive tendencies. Tendencies to also play out scenarios in my head that have never happened, and are HIGHLY unlikely to EVER happen. These scenarios breed fear, lots of fear and frustration that "I'm doing it again!" But that's what I do. I cannot get angry at myself, for at some time in my life I'm sure those actions were simply defense mechanisms I created to keep myself safe. To protect my childlike innocence and delicate heart. Conjuring up in my head all the possibilities of what COULD happen so I can be prepared for anything. I don't need those barriers anymore. I, however, cannot think myself out of a thought. So within those moments of prayer, I asked God to remove my obsessions, just as he removed my obsession with alcohol and other life destructing habits. Patience. I've been patient with myself. Loving myself unconditionally, consoling myself as I would my best friend.

A month ago I was more confident and in love with myself than I had ever been in my entire life. The last couple days... I've began to get back to that. How beautiful it is, to realize God answered your prayers before you had asked them. I've had to ask many times today for God to restore faith, trust, and confidence within myself. I am blessed. I am so worthy of all the good coming my way. Great Love, and utter joy are here for my enjoyment. For my basking, if I so choose. To dance in as a birds dance in the rain. I must remember that I am loved. No single person on this planet can take that from me, it is only me who can give them the power to do so, my power. It has nothing to do with him. This is me. Every moment I am less fearful, more powerful, and more okay with being that way. What do I want right now? To sleep. To wash my face, and go to sleep.... It doesn't matter if it's only 9:14, that's my ego talking. Transformation can be tiring, I choose rest. :)

A beautiful example of Light, Lessons, & Love. Pure, persistent, and unconditional divine Love...

Dottie