I will not give up... I will stay in this fire... until I am free...

"I will not give up...I will stay in this fire... until I am free.."

Stagnation. For the first time in years, maybe even my life I feel I don't have a personal goal. A personal goal which is working with and towards my life purpose. What am I doing with my life? What are my next steps? When all the projects and material life changes have settled, what then? It was school for a very long time, then it was getting sober, then it was loosing weight. Then it was building a relationship and life with someone and all I've thought about for two days is how I can start over. How I can change everything. Leave my partner, sell my house, and go about life all whimsical like. My struggle is which path am I suppose to take. Maybe that's always the struggle. Am I suppose to be here? With Angie, in SJ, with our home and our furry children, or am I suppose to be somewhere else, doing my own thing. I wondered today if marriage limits us, and if it was truly something I wanted. I watch Angie pursuing her path, her dreams, and wonder if I've put mine second to hers, and that scares me. Loosing myself, has always been one of my greatest fears. Maybe because it took me so long to find myself, fear of loosing that seems legitimate. Relationships take work and energy and I sometimes wonder if that energy might be better used somewhere else like myself. How selfish is that? My dreams, my goals, my purpose. But is anyone truly meant to be in this world alone? Are there people who truly thrive as single adults or is that some kind of defense mechanism. After all, there are some things you can only learn within a relationship. And if we are single, aren't we almost always searching for someone? or "that" someone. As if there is a deep philological and psychological, almost primitive drive that sends us towards someone else. And how do we know if it is healthy? How do you know when it's time to leave? or time to work harder? If I doubt this much, shouldn't that in itself tell me something? Tell me that this is not where I belong and it was time to go long before this moment? Or is my desire to leave, to change, an ego fear further distracting me from my soul's purpose? Is this the dark before the dawn? The "don't quit before the miracle happens". Is it perception. Is it healing? What is required of me here and now? Maybe that is the real question. Taking the steps and not having to know exactly where I'm going. Just listening and acting as I feel guided.

Warrior- Evaluate my motives. Is it self conquest or dominating another? Am I lusting after outcomes or the task for it's own sake? Consult the self

Growth- The very next rune. Disperse resistance. Consider issue with care and awareness. Will must be clear and controlled. Any dark corners cleared, even if professional help is used. Modesty, patience, fairness, and genrosity are called for. Through steadfastness and right attitude blossoming can occur.

My relationship with Angie- Gateway reversed
Mine and Angie's relationship- Initiation

My mother- opening reversed.

Self-worth & Self-discipline

Is self-worth intrinsically connected to self-discipline. Does our level of self-worth directly affect our level of self-discipline. Can you have one without the other? Is healing one automatically heal the other?

These are the questions I've been asking myself since I read a paragraph stating that self-worth and self-confidence are actually two different things. A concept I had not considered. We can look in the mirror and believe we are beautiful, we can look in the mirror and believe we are intelligent and good and kind. But some of us may feel on a deep and sometimes unconscious level feel that we are undeserving of the good these things bring. Hence self-sabotage

So what now? Where does the healing begin? Is there even a level of logically and conscious understanding that yes, you absolutely do deserve the good things in your life, but on a deeper level feel unworthy. Where does that come from? I am not talking about the over-inflated sense of "the world owes me something" self, I am speaking of those who give effort, those who want something more out of life and find themselves repeating the same pattern or in similar situations which seem out of their control both being obstacles preventing them from achieving their goals, despite their best efforts. And even then, these obstacles are simply a manifestation of an inner, less palpable, less comfortable obstacle. One that often induces fear, that requires some courage, and a consistent application of effort and patience as we learn to change. As we learn to re-route our thoughts, our patterns, and our habits. To believe that anything in your life is anything less than a manifestation of your inner workings, is naïve at best.

If you have fumbled with self-discipline, then play with self-worth. Maybe cultivating that, will allow a natural growth of that which opens the door to achieving your goals.

With Grace & Gratitude...