Who would we be without our traumas? How would we move about in life and relationships if we didn't carry around the past? What would life be like if we were able to forgive, forget, be in the moment, and allow people to naturally enter and exit our lives without judgement?
If my Mother's death taught me anything, it taught me the lesson that life is short. She wasn't happy. She spent the majority of her life wanting to be loved in a way she probably couldn't describe or even accept if it had found her. I've spent the majority of mine being anxious, self-medicating, and endlessly striving for perfection. I've spent at least half of it sifting through my traumas and dramas of my life, looking for the antidote to all this anxiety and self-medicating desire. I often feel like a failure. My personal, daily expectations of myself are unrealistic. The bar I hold for myself is so high, rarely do I touch it, and when I do I assume it's because it was too low so I raise it. I'm constantly seeking self-improvement.
On the other hand, I have had so many amazing, beautiful souls in my life that entered unexpectedly and showed me true love, acceptance, forgiveness, grace, beauty, kindness, etc. The family dynamic I want to create is not one I've ever seen within my own.
Who would I be without my traumas? My story? What would my life be like if I fully embraced everything about myself and where I was at any given moment? I bet I'd feel fucking free. The runes of the last 6 months have continued to tell me that I am at a standstill, that no successful movement will be made over the winter, and that I would eventually realize that the "patient on the operating table was myself." It was. Would it be such a horrible thing to slowly fade out of the family I was born into? Is it the end of the world to feel as if I'm alone, but safe and loved.
