In the name of making some extra money, double my hourly pay to be exact, I have gotten my afternoons-working ass up at 5:15am. It wasn't hard, because my sleep last night was intermittent, and I stayed hot - never a good combo. I was almost grateful my alarm finally went off this morning.
We are about 3 days out from my expected period. That matters because we're actively trying to get pregnant and less that two weeks ago we gave it another go.
It takes daily reminders to not obsess, daily reminders to not test 3 days after ovulation when the egg isn't even out of the damn fallopian tubes, and sometimes gentle hourly reminders that it's highly unlikely that nausea has set in already, before I've even skipped a period. It's easy to get caught up in the "signs" from the universe that it happened this time - like finding reassurance in "Freudian slips", random questions from five year olds, and a psychic's words that the child energy is so strong, she might be on her way already, but IVF has a strong energy, too. Every cramp, every yawn, every food/medication/drink I put in my body is carefully analyzed for the safety of a potential baby. To some degree, I have to act "as if" during these two weeks between ovulation and potential next period, despite the fact that crackheads, heroin addicts, energy-drink drinkers, smokers, cross-fit junkies, and people with "the wrong mindset" get pregnant all the time. Somehow, knowing and wanting it stirs the desire of protection in myself already, the mother-to-be.
Yesterday, my five year old, on her birthday, looked at me as she was sitting on the toilet and said, "Dot, I hope there's a baby in your belly. I want a little sister." No shit?! I looked at my wife. My eyes wide, but I was trying to play it cool. The psychic said she saw magenta, and felt it would be a girl. Now my kid is saying this?! Is she picking up on something, too?! I asked her what made her say that, she said because she wants a sister. Nothing more, nothing less, just that.
This sure is an interesting phase of my journey. It's all about patience, staying open, staying grounded and peaceful. I one hundred percent believe that me getting angry, anxious, controlling, fearful, and/or frustrated will not help the situation. So, here I am, at 6:20 on a Wednesday, drinking my I awake tea in my scrubs with a wet head, up too early, writing blogs instead of packing my lunch to process these emotions that kept me up last night. I trust in divine timing. I am lovingly doing everything I can on my end to help me conceive - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Now, to be patient and trust.
With Grace & Gratitude...
