I have never loved myself as much as I did today. There was a moment of total and complete love of myself. A moment of unconditional love. Where I just wanted to hug myself and bask within my own being. Loving me fully, totally.... good, bad, indifferent. I fell in love with myself today. So hard it brought tears to my eyes. That moment is unexpressable in words, but I wanted to recognize that moment, and give my deepest gratitude. :)
Namaste
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Knowing My Worth
"I am worth it."
And by it I mean everything. I am worth all the good I could ever want. It's not a feeling of being deserving, deserving is like a tweaked expectation. Deserving implys that you have done something from somewhere other than your heart.
This thought came to me as I watched a movie tonight, and in one scene the young woman was crying, and I thought I know that pain. I've been there, but I'm not there. That's not who I am now. < Something that has been brought to my attention big time these last couple weeks when I was told "You wear everything you've been through, like a badge of honor" and realized I often find myself talking about how I USED to be, what I USED to do, and the person I USED to be. Leaving me unable to fully answer the question of who I am now.
There was a shift tonight as I was feeling my way through some emotions of why I was feeling a certain way when I had already decided I was done, and what my intentions were with wanting to catch up with him later. As hesitant as I was to admit this, my thoughts were something along these lines: I look really cute today, I feel good, it's Christmas. He says he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, but he DID invite me to his house with his family, and I look and feel so good. This might be the turning point where he will want to be with me. Now, recognizing and owning those types of thoughts doesn't always come easy. I decided against trying to find him and re-invite myself from un-inviting myself earlier in the day. Then I asked myself what would make me happy. Which was a pot of coffee with french vanilla creamer, my favorite yoga pants, and a movie I've been wanting to see since it came out in theatre's, and it did.
It was at the end of the movie I realized, that I am worth it. I am worth a man wanting to spend time with me. I am worth being sought after and desired. I am worth being valued as a woman, a friend, and a lover. There is no need to chase, play games, or desperately try and do the things I think I should or shouldn't do, or do the things people suggest I do. Walking around aimlessly, affirming and re-affirming and trying to convince myself I don't have a clue what to do when it comes to dating. Because really, everything I'd ever need to know is already within me. The only guidance, teacher, or nurturer I'll ever need is within myself. Within every single human being there is the Light of God (God being easily and absolutely interchangeable, as far as I'm concerned, to whatever better resonates with you.)
For about the last 3 years or so every time I think of being in a relatioonship I pray and ask God to send me my equal, and yet became angry when I'd get with men who seemed broken, or emotionally unavailable, or unable to commit. But that's who I was, and those men where my equal. "How do you know you're life would be better with him in it?" - The question my best friend asked me 5 years ago as I called her crying about my father for the 700th time. I now coorelate this question with rejection. "How do I know my life would be better with him in it?" any him. Whowever that him is at the time. Being "rejected" by someone doesn't make me any less of the person I was before the rejection... it SIMPLY means, that I was not what THAT person wanted or was looking for, and that's absolutely okay. Because when I KNOW who I am, and know that I'm worth all the good that is here and coming.... "rejection" has no strength, only Love.
Right now, a nap would make me happy, along with a midnight meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. <3
Love & Light
Dottie
And by it I mean everything. I am worth all the good I could ever want. It's not a feeling of being deserving, deserving is like a tweaked expectation. Deserving implys that you have done something from somewhere other than your heart.
This thought came to me as I watched a movie tonight, and in one scene the young woman was crying, and I thought I know that pain. I've been there, but I'm not there. That's not who I am now. < Something that has been brought to my attention big time these last couple weeks when I was told "You wear everything you've been through, like a badge of honor" and realized I often find myself talking about how I USED to be, what I USED to do, and the person I USED to be. Leaving me unable to fully answer the question of who I am now.
There was a shift tonight as I was feeling my way through some emotions of why I was feeling a certain way when I had already decided I was done, and what my intentions were with wanting to catch up with him later. As hesitant as I was to admit this, my thoughts were something along these lines: I look really cute today, I feel good, it's Christmas. He says he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, but he DID invite me to his house with his family, and I look and feel so good. This might be the turning point where he will want to be with me. Now, recognizing and owning those types of thoughts doesn't always come easy. I decided against trying to find him and re-invite myself from un-inviting myself earlier in the day. Then I asked myself what would make me happy. Which was a pot of coffee with french vanilla creamer, my favorite yoga pants, and a movie I've been wanting to see since it came out in theatre's, and it did.
It was at the end of the movie I realized, that I am worth it. I am worth a man wanting to spend time with me. I am worth being sought after and desired. I am worth being valued as a woman, a friend, and a lover. There is no need to chase, play games, or desperately try and do the things I think I should or shouldn't do, or do the things people suggest I do. Walking around aimlessly, affirming and re-affirming and trying to convince myself I don't have a clue what to do when it comes to dating. Because really, everything I'd ever need to know is already within me. The only guidance, teacher, or nurturer I'll ever need is within myself. Within every single human being there is the Light of God (God being easily and absolutely interchangeable, as far as I'm concerned, to whatever better resonates with you.)
For about the last 3 years or so every time I think of being in a relatioonship I pray and ask God to send me my equal, and yet became angry when I'd get with men who seemed broken, or emotionally unavailable, or unable to commit. But that's who I was, and those men where my equal. "How do you know you're life would be better with him in it?" - The question my best friend asked me 5 years ago as I called her crying about my father for the 700th time. I now coorelate this question with rejection. "How do I know my life would be better with him in it?" any him. Whowever that him is at the time. Being "rejected" by someone doesn't make me any less of the person I was before the rejection... it SIMPLY means, that I was not what THAT person wanted or was looking for, and that's absolutely okay. Because when I KNOW who I am, and know that I'm worth all the good that is here and coming.... "rejection" has no strength, only Love.
Right now, a nap would make me happy, along with a midnight meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. <3
Love & Light
Dottie
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