The jolt of clarity that has been the catalyst for life changing events hit me again today. As was listening to the first CD she gave me, almost mopey, wondering if she was going to text me when she got up, and replaying our conversations from yesterday. I realized I was not helping the situation.
I've done two things I've never done before. I asked the universe to bring about my desired outcome, and did so with grace and humility. Not from a place of fear, but of Love. It wasn't a "I deserve this" but was an "I am worth this" For once, I genuinely felt I was worth and capable of maintaining this deep emotional connection that some have never felt. The mind is a very powerful thing, each instant I'm thinking about her, how I want things to be, what I'm terrified of them becoming, or trying to figure it all out... my mind is sending ripples of energy out into the universe which are creating chaos constantly. Allowing my mind to go nuts is allowing my world to go nuts. An understanding came over me. My only feelings where of peace, and my only thoughts were of kindness towards myself to gently bring myself back every time I realized I was allowing my mind to run rampat. In doing this for myself, I was allowing kindness and love to flow to her. I guess this can be related to "getting out of your own way." A trust became apparent. A trust in something larger than myself, that everything was and would work out exactly as it should... my only job to ask for guidance and take that action as it is revealed to me. So often I stew over shit. I listen to the same few songs and stir emotions within myself. It's like at at that moment, every thing I had been talking for the last couple years was actually within my grasp to carry out. The art of letting go. I remember thinking, so THIS is what it feels like to "let go" but I did nothing. It was merely a realization that hit me, an a ha moment that I didn't HAVE to keep thinking, and it was best if I didn't.
Does this mean she was not the first thought that flooded my mind when I opened my eyes from my nap? Or my heart didn't sink for just a moment when I realized she hadn't text me today? No, but I took a breath and asked the universe to take be back to where I was earlier, a place of love and understanding.
It just realized how absolutely powerful the mind really is thus making it extremely important to keep it focused on something that will allow the healing and love to flow to the area you have sought healing for. In the most simple and ego-understandable sense it's like finding a distraction, but really it's deeper than that. It's a trust that it's all working out beautifully and as requested; while keeping the fear mind occupied with something much less important and energy consuming.
A conscious decision to focus on something else not out of fear of creating that which you don't want, but out of love that by re-directing your thoughts you are clearing the way for your desired outcome to come about. It's that simple, and that slight. A tiny thought change which makes way for everyday miracles.
Love & Light,
Dottie
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Peacefully Torn, Awaiting Guidance
"Connect with others, lies at the heart of our journey. Genuine connections ease anxiety and help assuage our essential aloneness. They provide the secure base in which we can venture into scary places, celebrate our joys, and take risks, knowing someone is either there to cheer for us or catch us if we fall."
I read this at the end of a very emotional day. Hours where spent feeling feelings & emotions as they came and went. Exploring and expressing the feelings of others as well. I cried myself to sleep last night, wanting nothing more than to head back to MI, and cried today as I sat next to the pond still in TN. Here I am now, refecting. David Gray on the pandora, sitting alone, drowning out the world. What is it about TN that makes me want to severely retreat within myself. I did find peace today, rather, I allowed peace to be felt, it was always there.
Realtionship is defined as "a connection, association, or involvement; connections between persons by blood or marriage; an emotional or other connection between people; a sexual involvement or love affair." So when someone tells me they "don't want a relationship I just want to scream, what the fuck do you think this is?!?! BE MORE SPECIFIC. The term "relationship" means different things to different people based on their expeirence and perceptions. What does it mean to you? What is it that you don't want? Most people know that. We may not know what we DO want, but usually we know what we don't. And there they were, two cycles, maybe three, I had seen a hundred times.
What now? I breathed. I immediately sought out guidance and clarity from Angelic beings and spiritual teachers. Terrified I was simply repressing what I was feeling and would end the night acting out on addict behaviors. In other words, I was afraid I'd find myself drunk in a strange man's bed. I didn't. Thank God.
Awaiting guidance. More shall be revealed, until then I breathe and wait, ever so patiently...
Love & Light
Dottie
I read this at the end of a very emotional day. Hours where spent feeling feelings & emotions as they came and went. Exploring and expressing the feelings of others as well. I cried myself to sleep last night, wanting nothing more than to head back to MI, and cried today as I sat next to the pond still in TN. Here I am now, refecting. David Gray on the pandora, sitting alone, drowning out the world. What is it about TN that makes me want to severely retreat within myself. I did find peace today, rather, I allowed peace to be felt, it was always there.
Realtionship is defined as "a connection, association, or involvement; connections between persons by blood or marriage; an emotional or other connection between people; a sexual involvement or love affair." So when someone tells me they "don't want a relationship I just want to scream, what the fuck do you think this is?!?! BE MORE SPECIFIC. The term "relationship" means different things to different people based on their expeirence and perceptions. What does it mean to you? What is it that you don't want? Most people know that. We may not know what we DO want, but usually we know what we don't. And there they were, two cycles, maybe three, I had seen a hundred times.
What now? I breathed. I immediately sought out guidance and clarity from Angelic beings and spiritual teachers. Terrified I was simply repressing what I was feeling and would end the night acting out on addict behaviors. In other words, I was afraid I'd find myself drunk in a strange man's bed. I didn't. Thank God.
Awaiting guidance. More shall be revealed, until then I breathe and wait, ever so patiently...
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, August 29, 2011
Coming Home
"Then come back... sometimes when we are not strong enough we need to walk (not run) away..."
THEN COME BACK. A line that hit me like a ton of bricks. As if this whole time, THAT was not option. My whole hearted attempts at bringing my life with me. I bought my usual groceries, brought my cat, got pandora rolling with the head phones to drown out the insane background noise of three tv's and a police scanner... not what I'm used too. I had my tea, I read, ran... everything I wanted to do. I had only been here about 16 hours when I broke down in tears and said, "I don't want to be here. I'd rather be in Michigan" Overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Why would I not want to be here? This is home isn't it? It's suppose to be right? If this is suppose to be home then I'm suppose to be cherishing every moment spent here dreading the day I "go back." But I wasn't. I cried. Sat next to the pool, looked out across the open filled and cried. I wanted to be home, and this wasn't it anymore.
I spent the next five hours running (figuratively). Reaching out to fix an inward problem. I wanted to drink, bad. Hint number one, I was NOT okay. The beautiful thing is that these days, I see these desires to drink or indulge in self-sabotaging, addict driven behaviors as simply clues to what is going on inside of me. I know today, I don't have to indulge to know whatever that desire/action is trying to show me. I became acutely aware that I was holding rigidly onto something, an idea of how I thought things should be. I explored that, what area of my life was I doing this? The last week I've heard repeatedly in my head a quote, which I can't remember exactly but basically said this, "When we don't have any idea how reality SHOULD look, nothing hurts." For me this speaks of fluidity, allowing what is... to be. Having no expectations, flowing with life. When we have no expectations, we cannot be let down, disappointed. Disappointment is one hard pill for me to swallow. Definitely one of my harder ones. I was disappointed in myself, and in fear. Utter fear, that others would be disappointed in me as well. I thought of an email I received from Inner Wisdom today. "Are you living in fear or love?" I knew I had been living most of the day in fear. I called upon Angels and asked for guidance, healing, and clarity.....and here Iam. FINALLY, at peace. I want to go home, to Michigan, and that's okay.
Love & Light
Dottie
THEN COME BACK. A line that hit me like a ton of bricks. As if this whole time, THAT was not option. My whole hearted attempts at bringing my life with me. I bought my usual groceries, brought my cat, got pandora rolling with the head phones to drown out the insane background noise of three tv's and a police scanner... not what I'm used too. I had my tea, I read, ran... everything I wanted to do. I had only been here about 16 hours when I broke down in tears and said, "I don't want to be here. I'd rather be in Michigan" Overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Why would I not want to be here? This is home isn't it? It's suppose to be right? If this is suppose to be home then I'm suppose to be cherishing every moment spent here dreading the day I "go back." But I wasn't. I cried. Sat next to the pool, looked out across the open filled and cried. I wanted to be home, and this wasn't it anymore.
I spent the next five hours running (figuratively). Reaching out to fix an inward problem. I wanted to drink, bad. Hint number one, I was NOT okay. The beautiful thing is that these days, I see these desires to drink or indulge in self-sabotaging, addict driven behaviors as simply clues to what is going on inside of me. I know today, I don't have to indulge to know whatever that desire/action is trying to show me. I became acutely aware that I was holding rigidly onto something, an idea of how I thought things should be. I explored that, what area of my life was I doing this? The last week I've heard repeatedly in my head a quote, which I can't remember exactly but basically said this, "When we don't have any idea how reality SHOULD look, nothing hurts." For me this speaks of fluidity, allowing what is... to be. Having no expectations, flowing with life. When we have no expectations, we cannot be let down, disappointed. Disappointment is one hard pill for me to swallow. Definitely one of my harder ones. I was disappointed in myself, and in fear. Utter fear, that others would be disappointed in me as well. I thought of an email I received from Inner Wisdom today. "Are you living in fear or love?" I knew I had been living most of the day in fear. I called upon Angels and asked for guidance, healing, and clarity.....and here Iam. FINALLY, at peace. I want to go home, to Michigan, and that's okay.
Love & Light
Dottie
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Scattered Reflections, Welcomed Solitude
A sweet reflection. Here I am. Relief. The last three weeks have been a whirlwind of frustration bordering on panic, exhaustion, happiness so deep no other place or time exists, and time going so fast, it's hard to believe three weeks just went by. I remember thinking holy shit, I've got 3 and a half weeks left of school. "Honey it's over" a lyric I just heard on pandora, how appropriate. "You're free, you're free, you're freeee"
I sat in yoga today and watched my frustrations with my desires to be in control surface. I prayed for relase, for transformation into something that would better serve a higher purpose. I'm certain that process has begun, because I cannot remember the three things that surfaced so vividly, as if it's not meant for me to remember, because I will dwell. It doesn't matter, they have been transformed already, the effects will slowly make themselves known.
My emotions are scattered, mostly calm. Now that I'm here, doesn't seem like there's much to say. I'm leaving for TN in the morning. Mixed emotions about going. I think I'm just going to curl up with my David Grey pandora and silently reflect and bask in this beautiful solitude I've sought for days...
I sat in yoga today and watched my frustrations with my desires to be in control surface. I prayed for relase, for transformation into something that would better serve a higher purpose. I'm certain that process has begun, because I cannot remember the three things that surfaced so vividly, as if it's not meant for me to remember, because I will dwell. It doesn't matter, they have been transformed already, the effects will slowly make themselves known.
My emotions are scattered, mostly calm. Now that I'm here, doesn't seem like there's much to say. I'm leaving for TN in the morning. Mixed emotions about going. I think I'm just going to curl up with my David Grey pandora and silently reflect and bask in this beautiful solitude I've sought for days...
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