She Asked What I Wanted for my Birthday.

As Adelynne innocently reminded me today, my 34th birthday is in 19 days. I will be 34 this year. It's weird. I remember my mother having a 40th birthday for a friend when I was in highschool, and I remember thinking what an age-related hump that person just hit in their life. Was this old, I wondered? I answered yes to that question all those years ago but now 40 doesn't seem so old. I think all us 30 somethings would/could agree.

When I was asked what I wanted for my birthday I couldn't think of anything. I just smiled. I truly felt in that moment I had everything I had ever asked for. All things I ever desired where here with me now or in motion. I felt nothing but a deep reverberating gratitude and joy. I was so thankful I imagined spitting out those chips and salsa kissing the faces of my three favorite gals sitting at the table around me.

I AM GRATEFUL.

I imagine, last year, I asked for a baby. Last year alone we had 3 failed inseminations, I'm certain my wish for my 33rd birthday was for number four to work. And it did. I sat across from that miracle last night. I looked at her, her other Mother, and her sister and wondered what did I want this year? 

When I blow those candles out in nineteen short days, I'm going to wish for the ability to be more present in all the moments in my life. When I turn 40, I will have lived in Michigan as long as I had lived in TN. It will have been well over a decade since I decided to get sober, and I will have friends I have known for over 25 years (I mean... hopefully we are still putting up with each other's crap). That shit has gone by fast. All of it. I don't want to take it for granted. I wish to enjoy and soak up every moment of the rest of this life. Literal blood and tears have been shed for me to be here as I am. And I am the best I've ever been. There is still work, don't get me wrong, but I have never felt so whole with such a deep desire to connect with those closest to my heart. All I've ever wanted to be is a better person - a better friend, a better daughter, a better mother, a better employee, etc. While I still attest there is nothing wrong with striving to better myself, there is a time and place for it. To fully live in the moment I have to allow myself to be enough in that moment. We all do. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

I Hate Losing Weight

Some days the food struggle is real.

Today has been one of those days. I have wanted all the sweets since I woke up this morning. My day has been a constant reciting of the word no. Just now, I snuck quietly into the kitchen as my 5 year old played in her room, my wife was upstairs, and the baby was sleeping with every intention of eating the other half of that donut we didn't let Adelynne eat about 20 minutes ago. It sucks. But it's real. I shut the refrigerator door as quickly as I had opened it. I won in that moment, but there is just under 7 hours left of today. DAMN THAT STRUGGLE.

Two days ago I met with my long time trainer and friend to evaluate my post-baby fitness level and get my programming for the month. We talked about goals. I always want muscle. I always want to lift. That is easy. Heavy shit is easy. I have an aversion to wanting "weight loss" as a goal. It is instantly irritating. I feel herded into the majority of Americans that say the want to "lose weight" or should lose weight and jump on diet fad trains. Losing weight feels like a fad in and of itself. Like a bunch of meaningless words that have lost all their weight (so much pun intended). I wanted to puke sitting next to that raw wooden desk I imagined to have been cut from last years Christmas trees with an ax as I allowed myself to insinuate that weight loss was my goal. FUCK, I mean really?! Who was I? The metaphorical bitterness of that statement made my nose roll up in disgust. Hadn't weight loss always been the natural byproduct of my other goals such as "being more fit", "making better choices", "healing unresolved issues", and "changing my relationship with food?" I leaned back against that raw pine desk and admitted my distress with uttering such words... weight loss. I also admitted I didn't know why it felt the way it did to say - like I had fallen into some trap or betrayed my own morals. My trainer and friend leaned back in his own chair and said, "Because it's hard. Because for some of us, the food part is hard. You have to tell yourself no." And it is. He knows that struggle, too. Maybe that's why I've always leaned toward building muscle. I can eat then. I can actually eat more. But if I'm completely and deeply honest with myself. I do need to lose weight, or as he more accurately and gracefully put it, lose body fat. And if I continue with this self-honesty, I want to lose body fat. God, that still tastes kinda terrible, but not as bad as "losing weight." So strange.

Words themselves carry weight, but that's a different blog for a different day.

So, I told myself no at Meijer today; I told myself no in my kitchen. I told myself no yesterday to sugar all together and somehow still managed to eat almost 4,000 calories. YES, 4,000 calories. I tracked them, and I'm not exaggerating. This shit IS hard but so has been every other addiction I've ever faced in my life. Food is no different for me. You know what I wanted all that damn sugar today? Because the baby was up half the night, I was tired, woke up irritable, and still haven't had a shower. I'm going to keep telling myself no, though, for today at-least. One day at a time. And maybe one day, it just won't be an issue anymore. THAT is my goal - to live my fucking life. To tolerate and ride my anxieties, stresses, and life experiences with grace and awareness. I want to be healthy and fit because I no longer choose to use food as a drug and because being active brings me so much damn joy and so many endorphins I can't imagine reaching for anything else.

With Grace & Gratitude...